


Broken Thoughts

by kittykat28888



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Domestic, Anal Sex, Anxiety Attacks, BDSM, Blow Jobs, Bondage, Character Death, Domestic, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Explicit Language, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Forced Outing, Graphic Description, Hand Jobs, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Homophobic Slurs, Humanstuck, M/M, Major Character Injury, Minor Character Death, Oral Sex, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Physical Abuse, Self-Harm, Shameless Smut, Slurs, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Swearing, Verbal Humiliation, Violence, longform fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-28
Updated: 2014-11-17
Packaged: 2018-01-06 03:25:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 31
Words: 97,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1101825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kittykat28888/pseuds/kittykat28888
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Twenty year old Karkat's been dealing with abuse for his sexuality for just under a year now. His roommate and best friend Sollux is both worried and clueless. Does he continue to let him live in fearful ignorance, or does he reveal the reason behind it all and risk losing his friend for good  — or maybe gain something more in doing so?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Better To Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Kat here. So, this is the first story I've actually uploaded to here (blame laziness, meh; this is also a mirror for the [same fic](http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9335392/1/Broken-Thoughts) on FF.net), although I have written a few others. Updates might be slow for a bit because school isn't out for another week and we still have finals, but once summer starts, I'm guessing a chapter every two or three days, depending on how obstinate my grandmother's being about my supposed seclusion.
> 
> EDIT (11/2017): For those of you who are new here (and those who aren't, everyone really), I'm going through and rewriting portions (mostly the beginning) of this fic, so that the level of writing skill is more consistent throughout. Lucky you, you get a more refined fic d: Very little of the plot is changing, and if it is, I'll acknowledge it beforehand. When I'm done, I'll finish and release the epilogue.
> 
> So... yup. Chapter One, review, please, because desperation for opinions and yeah.

I'd known for years that I was bisexual.

I liked boys.

I also liked girls.

Some people didn't realize this.

"Hey, faggot, come on, get up! Get up, you fucking pussy."

"Fuck both of you cocksucking shitheads!" I spat viciously. Had I had a chance to say more, I would have; my issue was that the dickhead spewing most of the obscenities kicked me in the stomach as soon as the insults left my mouth. I was already on the ground, so he was just adding insult to injury at this point. The worst part was that he hadn't even been the one to put me there — I'd tripped on the curb in an attempt to run after hearing the telltale sounds of impending abuse. The blond asshole laughed and taunted me again, him and his brunette accomplice playing soccer with my already bruised and battered body at each word.

A gasping cry of pain escaped my lips after a particularly hard foot to my chest. "What's wrong, Vantas? You need to go cry to your _boyfriend?"_ They both laughed at his stupid, petty jab.

I managed to choke out a few words in my defense; "I don't... _have_ a boyfriend, you... cuntfucking asswipe! ...You would know!"

His eyes narrowed as he wiped the smirk off his face. "Fuck you." He kicked me again, harder, for saying what I had. There was an audible crunch, and I curled up in agony. Suddenly, another voice spoke.

"Leave him alone, ath'holeth'." They both froze at first, then burst out in disgusting laughter when they looked up.

"Hey, look — it's the gay-ass douchebag's lispy little fuckin' boyfriend!" I groaned again, and this time not from the pain shooting up from my stomach. He looked down at me. "Are you so pathetic you have to call your geeky fuckbuddy to save your pansy-ass?"

Already that "lispy little fuck" was getting pretty fed up with the bullies. "I th'aid, _leave him the fuck alone!"_ Sollux roared at them, throwing a punch at the bigger guy. It collided painfully, leaving another sickening crack to ring through my ears like the one from my own body had. His 'friend' sprinted away down the abandoned street the instant his buddy was downed. Sollux was taller than both of them and, as such, posed an all-around bigger, very angry threat to the both of them — and like it or not, they both knew it.

"You clearly didn't hear me the firth't time. Do I really need to repeat myth'elf?"

It didn't take another hit for the guy writhing in pain on the sidewalk to snap. "Okay, man, it's all good, w-we weren't doin' nothin', man, I swear!" His voice was high from fear and kind of nasally; a hand was pressed gingerly against his bloody nose.

"Like hell you weren't," he spat, pressing his knees against the others' and pinning his wrists to the pavement. He knocked him again in the stomach and pulled back to let him clutch the dull ache in his core. Sollux looked down menacingly, fully prepared to hit him again. Or at least, he was until something softened in his stance that even I could see with my blurred vision. Instead, he pushed himself to his feet and offered his hand to other teen. His voice was softer when he spoke again. "Hey, I'm th'orry, man, really. Thith' mind-block thing juth't cometh' over me and I can't think path't it."

The sandy-haired man looked confused for a moment before recognizing the opportunity in front of him. "No big deal, dude." His smile had returned, a line of blood dripping down it, but unlike Sollux in his distant haze of regret, I could see the malicious intent plain on his face. "Hell," he continued, "a guy who can throw a punch like that is welcome to roll with us."

My throat stung with bitter disappointment as I watched my roommate mulling over his offer. His unfocused eyes followed my movements while he replied. "Roll with uth'," he repeated. "Uth' who?"

"Oh, you know...," he trailed off, waving his hand in the air as if that would answer it. A suitable explanation soon came to mind, I supposed because he continued before the potential-recruit could suspect him. "Us 'street rats,' as the cops call us. Kickin' ass and takin' names are all in a day's work."

He paused for a moment. "You know, I don't think I wanna be a part of th'omething like that." His voice dripped with thinly veiled disgust.

"Really? What a shame. Well, I guess in that case...." I groaned in dismay, knowing exactly what he was about to do. Sollux glanced at me one more time and I willed him to look back, not trusting myself to open my mouth to tell him to without hurling on the pavement. Just as he did, the other guy clocked him right in the face. By the time he recovered, the asshole was halfway down the street and still running. Sollux growled under his breath and seemed ready to give chase, but seemed to remember first that I was lying immobile mere feet away.

Shaking his anger off as well as he could, he strode over to me and somehow managed to stand me up. My knees were shaking and I felt like I was about to puke, but I managed to keep it in and stay upright somehow. "Are you alright, KK?" I think I managed a feeble nod, still not fully capable of coherent speech. "What the fuck just happened?" Shaking my head, I pushed my legs towards where I'd seen the parked truck earlier. I didn't make it too far; tripping over my own feet, I stumbled forward before falling to my hands and knees, coughing and hacking like I couldn't breathe. Sollux's sigh met my ears and I silently apologized, still choking on pain.

He waited a few minutes, standing and staring at me from somewhere up in the sky. When my panting softened some, he said, "Are you done? I don't want to drive with a dith'traction like that." I scowled up at him, gradually making my way to my feet.

I scowled up at him, pushing myself to my feet again. "I am so _fucking_ sorry I pose such a threat to your personal safety with my possible internal injuries, Sollux. I'll try my absolute fucking hardest to keep myself contained." The anger I didn't really feel in that statement was punctuated by thin, wheezing breaths.

"There'th no need to be an even bigger ath'hole than usual, KK," he said dejectedly. "Ekth'cuth'e me for being conth'erned about your th'afety."

"Whatever," I finished quietly. "It's not like it's any of your business, anyway."

" 'Courth'e, 'cauth'e driving down th'ome dead-end road to try to pick up my roommate from work and inth'tead having to get out halfway to th'top a couple of ath'holeth' from kicking your shit in _again_ ith' none of my buth'ineth." _Goddamn, that was cute. He enunciated each syllable — bithe-ih-nith._ I shook my head of the invasive thought. "The hell d'you do to pith' thoth'e prickth' off, anyway?"

I struck out, _slowly,_ towards the vehicle, blatantly ignoring him. He either completely missed the hint or flat-out disregarded it, running after me within a few seconds. I felt a hand on my shoulder and his quiet, grating, wonderful voice sounding somewhere near my ear. "KK, th'eriously. Thith' ith'n't the firth't time thith' hath' happened. Call me whatever the fuck you want, but I'm worried about you. What ith' thith' all about? It ith'n't alwayth' the th'ame people, but I know I've seen that blond guy before, and they alwayth' th'eem to have the th'ame... I don't know, method of punishment, I gueth'."

I snorted in derision before I rounded on him, determined to keep up this façade no matter how much it hurt — physically or emotionally. "You really wanna know why these cuntwads keep fucking me up like this, Sollux?" He nodded, almost solemnly. I moved my head forward, the speed of the action almost making me dizzy. My face was in his and I tried so painfully hard not to think of how close our lips were as I growled, "I keep getting 'punished' because they think I'm _gay."_

He paused for a moment, letting the shock sink in. I turned away from him in disgust, once again turning to the car. And once again, I heard his soft voice, though more firm this time, from somewhere just behind me. "You're _not_ gay, are you?" I sighed. I hadn't... actually come out to Sollux yet; my best friend, the guy I was currently living with, someone I'd known since sixth grade, still didn't know my biggest secret. Most people didn't, for that matter. The only reason these fuckasses did was because of a failed relationship that ended more bitterly for my partner than I'd thought.

He was the leader of these guys, these "street rats" like he'd told Sollux. He hadn't been when he met me; it was more of a direct result of our relationship than anything else. We became great friends a few months into senior year at high school, and for whatever reason, he managed to look past the stigma around gays in the heart of Oklahoma and confide in me his sexuality. His fear in telling me was still evident, however, so in order to dispel some of it, I responded in kind. He saw an opportunity and took it, and we dated in secrecy until Memorial Day. At that point, he got upset with me for wanting to spend the sunny holiday outside with my family and Sollux instead of stuck in a dark room with him alone. We had a loud, hurtful fight which doubled now as the first time he'd hit me. He hadn't hit me since, although he did have, as Sollux worded it, his methods of punishment.

He had yet to hit me again until today, that is. It had been just a few days shy of a year since we broke up, so I guess it made sense he was feeling raw about it. As for whether that either warranted or justified my abuse today... let's just say I'm glad Sollux never knew of our relationship. He was a great friend, worrying without being asked, always there just when I needed him, posing as the unwitting backboard for my sexual frustrations. I suppose that only made me that much more afraid to reveal my sexuality.

Afraid he'd get the wrong (correct) idea if I took any longer to speak, I curled my fingers over the door handle and let my mind say something to satisfy him. "No, Sollux." I heard my voice from somewhere outside myself, sounding strangely quiet and kind of strangled. I hoped he'd recognize it as physical pain rather than emotional. "I'm not gay." I started to climb into the car before pausing and looking back. "Give me the keys. I'm driving." He laughed and walked around the front of the car, jangling the keys in his hand as he got in.

"Get in, th'it down, and shut up, KK," he laughed as the car started. "There'th' no way in hell I'm letting you drive."

"And why the fuck not?" I shouted indignantly, pushing away the pain that rose up in my stomach when I yelled. I sat shotgun and buckled up anyway.

"Becauth'e. Would you rather walk? I can let you out right here, you can walk home if you'd prefer." I grumbled for a bit, just audibly, but didn't actually say anything to the contrary. Instead, I let my mind wander while he drove us home. Some people I knew, Sollux included, made sure their thoughts didn't stray too far from what was accepted. I, on the other hand, preferred to let my brain dwell on the things that would both pain and satisfy like nothing else, even when the thoughts themselves hurt. This was one of those times.

Shuddering, I imagined Sollux in place of my ex, repeatedly throwing his foot into my side where it shouldn't have been able to go, breaking me with a sickening, desperate, furious half-smirk. It didn't take long to shift my thoughts to a happier image; Sollux tugging me into his lap, holding my broken body against his sturdy one and kissing the tiny little cuts that riddled my forehead.

It wasn't hard to imagine how awful I looked right then; sure, that had been a particularly rough... attack, but Sollux was more than right, despite his inexact knowledge of the situation. These attacks were far from infrequent, and I had practically memorized my usual appearance after the many times I'd had to clean myself up before coming home in the park bathroom. If anyone asked how I got so utterly fucked up, I offered something simple; "I fell off my bike," or something to that effect. Although, of the few people I encountered in there, even fewer dared to ask.

Sollux was only half-right anyway. He didn't know that there was any truth behind their accusations; I _was_ attracted to men, I was abused far more frequently than he knew, and the lie that took the cake was that I carried cover-up makeup in my pocket wherever I went, just in case this happened and I had the opportunity to hide it. I didn't think I'd have been able to cover this up by the time they finished with me anyway, so I was torn between gratitude and embarrassment that he'd found me like this so soon into it. They normally toyed with me for anywhere from five minutes to thirty — my body was riddled with more scars than I could count, a rare one the result of some accident — but none of them had ever hurt me this bad this soon. Of course, none of them had ever been my ex, either. He only ever watched while his friends beat the shit out of me.

The sigh escaped my lips before I could hold it. I felt my chauffeur's gaze trail on me for an instance before returning to the road. It was soft and afraid and I could see he was still shaky. My heart wrenched at the thought of his worry. He cared so much. I never asked him to care. He just did. I cared about him too, of course. And he was always there just when I needed him, even when I acted like I didn't need him. But I did need him. I needed him so much it hurt. I'd needed him since we met. I'd needed him since I recognized the crush I'd been nursing for him since before I'd even accepted my sexuality. As far as I knew, however, he was straight, and either he wasn't as straight as I believed, or I'd eventually have to come to terms that he is and move on. It was part of why I was terrified to come out to him; if he thought I was suggesting that he and I get together, even if I wasn't, and he looked appalled? If I told him and he turned away from me, for good? Just the thought scared me, but it was the resounding fear that settled it.

There was only one thing in life I was absolutely certain of: if I was going to allow myself the luxury of a boyfriend, not only would this guy have to make the first move, but he'd have to be ridiculously tall and lanky and be able to throw a near-lethal punch, despite doing nothing but play video games all day. He'd have to have heterochromatic eyes, one the deepest blue of the ocean and the other such a vivid brown it was almost red, nearly the same shade as my two. He'd have to wear dorky glasses with dual-colored frames that matched his eyes for his crippling nearsightedness. He'd have to care so much it stressed him out even when I was safe and sound right next to him and he'd have to have short, smooth, raven black hair that contrasted so well with my dark brown hair, and he'd have to have known me and been my best friend for the better part of six years. He'd have to have violent mood swings that even meds had stopped helping and have a secret, paralyzing terror of thunder and lightning that would send him hiding under every blanket in the house unless I managed to find and hold him close.

Yup. If I was going to allow myself the luxury of a boyfriend, I'd have to hear the words, "Karkat, will you be my boyfriend?" out of Sollux's mouth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, review please~ Thank you! ^-^


	2. Hospitals Are So Lovely, Aren't They?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: I'm really pleased with this fic so far so I'm just writing whenever I can and updating when I'm satisfied. If you already read this, I just combined chapters two and three because honestly, they were both really short and neither needed to be, so here we are!
> 
> _(Revised: 11/17)_
> 
> Chapter Two, enjoy and please don't forget to review~

It had been around sunset when Sollux found me, and the drive home had been long enough for night to fall before we stopped. I managed to walk inside without too much of an issue, although I could feel something grating inside my chest that made breathing hurt and would undoubtedly cause even more problems later on. Stumbling half-blind into our bedroom, I held my breath and gritted my teeth while hauling my tired body onto the top bunk _— yes, two freshman in college sleeping by choice in a bunk bed —_ neither knowing nor caring where Sollux was. The desire to flop down on the covers was almost overpowering, but the fear of how painful it would be took precedence, and I instead laid down as slowly as I could. I waited for the door to open and prepared a few choice words for Sollux, but by the time he finally entered the room, I was fast asleep.

The lights were all off and it was both pitch-black and silent when I blinked awake. Something in the air told me Sollux was sleeping below me, but nothing beyond that registered in my brain. My first conscious thought was to sit up; upon doing so, I never wanted to think again. The pain shot up my chest so fiercely that I couldn't breathe. It was all I could do to moan pathetically, whimpering and hoping Sollux would wake up. He wasn't a particularly light sleeper, but he wasn't really a heavy sleeper either, and I was hoping I could count on that just this once.

Luckily, my wish was realized. I heard him, voice thick with both sleep and fear. "KK? What'th' wrong?" I started to respond, but my mind disconnected from my mouth and all that came out was a thin wail of pain. I heard springs creaking and wooden slats groaning under his weight before I looked up and caught just a hint of his silhouette black against the streetlight-brightened window. My wordless pleas for help grew softer as he crawled toward me over the blanket. Pulling me to him gently, he shooshed my pained gasps and let his deft fingers graze over specific parts of my body. "What'th' wrong, KK?"

Two words were all I could force. "My... chest..." Heavy breaths I couldn't quite take formed the spaces between my words. The unnatural rhythm didn't break until one finger caught the lowest rib on my left, at which I let out a low whine.

"Ith' it your ribth'?"

I shook my head, scrunching up my face against the pain. "One..."

He slid his hand down around the right side of my stomach and carefully tugged me closer, wrapping his right arm around my shoulders. "They really hurt you thith' time, didn't they?" His soft whisper rustled the hair by my ear. I didn't respond; I was too focused on not breathing too hard to think. The only thing breaking through the haze of my mind was how happy I'd be right now if my chest didn't hurt like a motherfucker. "KK... I think we need to get you to a docto—"

"No!" The force of the single word left me wheezing hard and trying to resist a coughing fit. I couldn't let him take me to a doctor. Sollux knew I worked a side job at a local coffee shop, but what he didn't know was that most of my income from it went towards doctor bills. It was bad enough that he had seen this, I didn't need him seeing how familiar I was with the clinic or the receptionist or the doctor; or, moreover, how familiar they were with me.

I could feel his gaze on me, so I shook my head and tried to explain. "I'm fine, Sollux, really. I don't need to—" A violent cough interrupted me, which under any other circumstance would have easily been brushed aside, but now left my head reeling and my vision clouded by stars. I instantly forgot what I was talking about and threw my head back with a high-pitched keening, unable to focus on anything but the pain.

Sollux slowly let me fall back to the mattress before moving to climb off the top bunk. He left the room and returned just minutes later, pulling on a jacket. "I'm taking you to the hoth'pital, KK. You can't be in thith' much pain and juth't brush it off like it'th' nothing." I closed my eyes in defeat and let my breath slow as much as I could. He climbed back up and slid his arms around me, one beneath my knees and the other under my armpits, and it was all I could do to keep my head from lolling back limply. Pulling me carefully to the edge of the bed, he very slowly began to climb down with me held tight in his arms. I groaned, silently thinking about how I was mostly just dead weight in his arms and how heavy I must be, even for someone like Sollux. Sure, he was skinny, but he had an incredible build of sinewy muscle beneath his skin. I started to apologize for it, but he shooshed me before I could get a single word out. Readjusting his grip on me, he exited the room, careful of my head in the doorway. I sighed softly and let him carry me to the passenger side of the truck, sliding me cautiously into the seat. I was glad that we'd told our parents we were planning on being roommates before we graduated; had we not told them, we'd be living in an apartment somewhere in the heart of the city rather than this admittedly cute little one story they'd pooled their money together to rent for us. A parking garage was the last thing we needed to deal with.

"Sollux," I breathed as soon as he got in the car, forcing my voice as loudly as I could and still hearing only a whisper. He didn't notice me and started the car with an almost invisible desperation. I cleared my throat and tried again, my tone coming out only slightly louder and only just audible over the rumbling engine. "Sollux. I don't need you to drive me to the doctor."

"Shut up, yeth' you do," he returned, backing out. He shot me a glance, checking to see I was still okay before returning his eyes to the road. We drove in near silence; one of the only noises we could discern aside from the truck running was my shallow, abnormal breathing. It hurt to breathe at all, but I figured I'd be okay if I took a deep breath every minute or so. I sat, thinking, worrying, but I let it all slip away when I faded back into sleep.

I woke up with more of a jolt this time as the car jerked to a halt. He walked around to my side of the car while I pushed myself to unbuckle. He opened the door just as I did and let a tiny smile grace his lips while he put his arms around me once again. He started to lift me until I put a hand to his shoulder. "Sollux, stop it. I'm not going to let you carry me like I'm some helpless fucking five-year old."

"Yeah, well, I'm not going to let you walk and hurt yourth'elf even more. Th'top arguing, I'm carrying you." His eyes were full of determination and laced with fear, and that expression alone was enough to break my resolve.

"Fine, but we never speak of this, got it, fuckass?" He grinned at my attitude and nodded, lifting me up and carrying me through the darkness into the brightly lit, stunningly white reception area. The woman behind the desk — a young girl named Cheryll, just a few months out of college whom I knew would recognize me — perked up as we entered.

"Karkat?" I cringed at her instantaneous recognition and managed a feeble hello. "Oh, no. I'll go get Robert real quick." Rather than simply calling him over the intercom, she actually stepped into the back, disappearing somewhere into the halls.

"You know her, KK?" Sollux asked in surprise, blinking. I nodded, sealing my fate as he set me in one of the chairs then sat beside me. As far as he was concerned, I'd never been here before; I'm sure he'd been prepared to fill out one of those waiver/information forms before the doctor would even consider looking at me and everything. He obviously wanted some answers, and to be honest, I guess he deserved some.

"Mm-hmm. Cheryll and I go—" Wheeze. "—waaay back." Cough. "Robert, too."

"And Robert ith'...?"

"The doctor." Groan. "You know him, too; Robert Baas."

I considered shutting him out, saying he was being nosy or something else like that, but I eventually settled on the truth. "Cheryll has worked here... since she got out of school. And, uh... y-you know that job I have? Did you ever stop to wonder—" Deep, painful breath. "—where that money was going? I mean, I sure as fuck don't go grocery shopping."

He cocked his head, resting his chin in his palm and furrowing his brow. Realization lit up his eyes a few seconds later. "Theth'e guyth' have been attacking you a lot more than I've th'een, haven't they?" It was more of a statement than a question. I nodded solemnly, unable to look at him. It was silent for a few seconds. "Why didn't you tell me, KK?"

I shook my head. "I... I didn't want to worry you," I answered truthfully.

He looked straight ahead, staring at, or more likely through, the wall. "I worried anyway," he said quietly.

* * *

Not a word had exchanged between Sollux and me since he'd last spoken. Now there wasn't a chance for conversation between us, considering he was sitting alone in the waiting room, mulling over all the things I'd just told him. I, on the other hand, was in an exam room on a metal table. Robert stood with his back against the counter reading over my chart. Not that he needed to; I'd been in there enough that he'd probably had it memorized by now. "You know, Karkles," he yawned, using his nickname for me to soften the disapproval in his tone, "Cheryll had to wake me up to deal with you."

"Oh, shut the fuck up," I panted, only half joking. "You know you love me."

He chuckled. "Don't use that language with me, fuckass. Raise your arms as much as you can." His teasing had me grinning even through my pain. A more serious expression took over his face, however, as he carefully teased my favorite black turtleneck off — there were stiff splotches of blood on it anyway, I figured it was about time someone got around to peeling it from the cuts. It wasn't an intimate gesture, anyway, simply a professional one. He let out a low whistle through his teeth as he marveled at the beautiful, sickly purple, blue, even yellow paint just under the skin decorating most of my torso. The magnificent colors were only magnified by the smeared blood from cuts scattered over my upper body. Some of it had a marbled effect, like someone took a sponge and dipped it in red paint before dabbing it all over my chest and stomach.

When the silence was finally broken, we both spoke at the same time.

"They really fucked you up this time, huh?"

"They really fucked me u— yeah... They did." He looked me up and down and let his fingers ghost over the marks. "Rob, don't mind the bruises. It's—" I gasped in dizzying pain when his hand brushed my rib, same as Sollux' had. "Nnngg. Y-Yeah... r-right there. It's my rib." He straightened up; he was tall standing up and even taller when I was sitting. I had to crane my neck to even meet his eye. _Why does everyone have to be so much taller than me? I'm not even all that fucking short!_

He sighed, deep in thought. "I'm just gonna come clean with you, I know you well enough to know that you wouldn't come here for something that wasn't serious. I saw Sollux out in the waiting room, and he looked exhausted. He stared directly at me for a few seconds before realizing I was actually there. I know you don't want him to know, and I respect that, but if he's here that means he probably knows more than he did yesterday, and I don't think leaving him with half an explanation is fair, especially not when he obviously cares enough to _carry_ you in here. What's more is that if he's going to pay for this visit, or even assist in any way, he needs to see your medical history, and that's a legal obligation, not a choice I can make. I just thought I'd let you know."

I frowned a bit. I'd known Sollux was going to find out eventually, but I had hoped I'd have been able to tell him myself. Blatantly ignoring the blinding pain in my chest, same way I'd done for most of the evening, I nodded. I knew Rob even before I started needing a doctor so often; he was a friend of the family who'd taken a liking to me when I was still a kid. On top of the fact that he'd figured out my sexuality years ago, I knew I could rely on our past to trust him when he said there was nothing he could do to keep my injuries a secret, even if it meant I had to watch the hurt expressions of my crush/roommate while he gawked in horror. If Robert said there was nothing he could do, there was nothing he could do.

"As for your chest," he added, snapping me out of my thoughts, "you should be able to cope with the bruises same as you always do, but I have a feeling your rib is fractured. If that is the case, there's nothing I can do for you aside from prescribing a pain reliever. Of course, I've already prescribed you as much as I dare, so there really is nothing else I can do."

"I need a refill," I stated calmly.

"Already?" he replied skeptically. It had scarcely been a week since my last refill. Rob sighed and turned around to start writing the refill allowance note for the pharmacy. "Alright. You're not taking them whenever you want, right?" He reminded me a bit of my father when he asked that. I smiled for half a second before wondering what Dad would think about my near-daily abuse... or the reason behind it, more accurately. My lips quirked down in another frown and I breathed a sigh.

"No, I'm not."

"You better not be. You're lucky I haven't told your parents about this, but if I find out you're doing drugs on top of all this, I'll be on the phone with your dad faster than you can blink. Especially opiates, that shit fucks you up for good." He turned back to me, handing me the receipt with a stern look. "I'm not going to subject you to an x-ray or anything, even though I should. Promise you'll come back if it gets worse or harder to breathe and I'll let you go. Like I said, I can't really do much for a fractured rib. One to two weeks with maximum bed confinement, and some light exercise every few hours for the next two to three weeks after that and you should be good as new. Of course, that means you're going to miss some school; I could get your work from your professors if you'd like, and I still won't breathe a word to your parents if I can help it, but it's really more of a hassle than is necessary. I suppose I could probably...." He trailed off and began talking to himself under his breath.

_"Rob!"_ I cut him off, more forcefully than angrily. He blinked at me and I explained, "You're rambling again."

He chuckled like he'd always done, genuine and gentle. "Right, sorry. Alright, before you get too antsy to get out of here, I'm going to advise that you sleep on your left side."

"But that's the side my hurt rib's on," I protested.

"Exactly. It helps it to heal faster and increases the likelihood that it will heal properly, not to mention makes it a bit easier to breathe. It'll hurt like a son of a bitch," he conceded reluctantly, "but it's better in the long run." I grumbled a bit before sighing yet again, albeit more heavily — and instantly regretting having done so while groaning from the pain — and agreeing. "Okay then, Karkles. You stay here and I'll go let Sollux know what's going on." He started to walk out without another word, carrying his clipboard and making muffled flip-flop slaps against the linoleum in his fuzzy slippers, but froze when I spoke up.

"It was him this time, Rob."

"Him who?" he asked cautiously, slowly turning back to me.

"Him... _him._ Trevor."

_"He_ did this to you?" The disbelief in his tone matched that in his face. "Wh-why would he...?"

"Because I hurt him. Because I was selfish."

"Karkat, you weren't selfish!" he argued instantly. "You would rather have spent your day outside in the beautiful park under the shade of an oak tree with your family than stuck inside in a dark room staring at a television screen with the blinds drawn for fear of being seen. He may have been your boyfriend then, but no one, boyfriend or not, has the right to physically hurt you for not wanting to spend one day with them, much less hold a grudge for nearly a _year_ and want to see you punished for normal human desires — nor does he have any ground whatsoever to even _begin_ to classify something like that as selfish. If he thought that was selfish, then you were too good for a dick like him anyway, and if he _still_ has a problem with you, and you're both my patients, so I would readily have access to both yours and his medical records, I'll make sure he won't come around you again!"

He was beginning to get worked up over this. "Not that I'm suggesting I would hurt him in any way, because not only is that illegal, it's immoral, but I would take him to court in a heartbeat. I'm not sure why you haven't sued him yourself already. There's almost no chance we'd lose, and at the very least we could get a restraining order against him. And what's more, I don't think—"

"Robert! Just stop it already. We've been over this; I don't want my sexuality publicized to the world, and the chance I'd get a decent judge who wouldn't throw the case out from the get-go is little to none around here. I _was_ being selfish and I'm now completely fucked over for god knows how long because of it, end of story. I appreciate that you'd be willing to fight in court on my behalf, but it's really not necessary." He started to say something, but I had no desire to continue this conversation. My chest already hurt and having talked as much as I already had was by no means helping. I held up a hand with a sharp exhale of effort. "Stop arguing with me, shitface. Go talk to Sollux or whatever you doctors do away from your patients." He took a deep breath and paused for a moment, collecting himself before he hesitantly turned to leave, glancing at me. The door closed with a quiet click after him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Review, my lovelies. ^-^


	3. Honesty Is The Best Policy, After All

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Three, my friends!

It took a while longer than I had expected it to for Rob to return. I wouldn't have minded normally, except that he brought a familiar raven-haired asshole with him. His face was apologetic when he explained that I had to be in the room whenever someone other than him viewed my medical history. So when he finally did show Sollux my records, I had the misfortune of sitting right next to him. It was entirely impossible for me to look away as the fear in his expression grew a hundredfold — and believe me, I tried. I busied myself doing nothing and trying (failing) to stare intently at my feet while Robert filled him in on everything else he'd missed. At certain points he looked to me for help, but not because he didn't know what to say; he wanted me to grow some balls and tell Sollux myself. Each time, I looked away and the slightest nuance of disappointment grew noticeable in his voice — or it did if you knew him well enough to tell the difference, anyway. "All in all," Robert concluded, "Karkat S. Vantas has visited this hospital nineteen times in total, all over the span of the past twelve months, this visit included."

Sollux was the image of speechlessness; mouth slightly agape, eyes widened and blank, unblinking. When he finally snapped out of it, he turned to me with glassy dual-colored eyes filled with a bizarre mixture of pity and regret, and a fury that scared me at the same time it staked my heart in guilt. His face was tight and I could see the strain he was putting on himself to keep from lashing out. He eventually managed a tense word of gratitude to Rob, though his gaze never strayed from me.

Desperate to break our eye contact, I clutched the pharmaceutical receipt tighter and started to ease myself off the exam table, saying more loudly than was entirely necessary at the stake of stronger pangs in my chest, "Okay, thank you, I think it's about time we headed home and let you get some sleep. Come on, Sollux." Before my feet were anywhere close to the ground, Sollux slipped his arms under me and lifted me up bridal-style. "Whoa, hey, what are you doing? I'm fine, let me go!" He didn't say anything and I knew I wasn't going to win this battle; when Captor set his mind to something, he wasn't easily deterred. Sighing, I locked my hands together behind his neck so I wasn't as much dead weight.

I narrowed my eyes and untangled a single finger at Robert's hidden grin, screaming at him to fuck off without ever saying a word. Sollux was oblivious as ever and left the room with me held against him. When he got outside, I spoke up again. "I _can_ walk, you know."

"Th'o?" He sounded nonchalant at best.

 _"So,_ you don't need to carry me."

"But—"

"No, shut up, asshat. Put me down."

"No." I growled and readjusted my arms around his neck, holding on tighter while he opened the passenger-side door. The car ride was short and soon enough, Sollux had his arms around me once again.

"I already told you, you dense shitsponge, I am perfectly capable of walkin—"

"Shut up." His tone was anything but light; it wasn't a request. It was a straight command. I glanced at his face in surprise; it was blazing with emotion, torn between anger and concern.

"S-Sollu—?"

"Are you deaf? Th'top talking." Confusion wasn't a strong enough word to describe the feeling. Subtly obeying him, I tucked my head down into his chest and held onto him, though I wasn't entirely sure why anymore. Eventually, he pushed the door to our room open and set me down carefully at the foot of his bed. He didn't sit next to me, though. Instead, he started walking in circles. He did this when he got upset; when he lost a video game (the occurrence of which was, admittedly, rare), when he missed a show he wanted to watch, when he got a lower grade on an assignment than he was expecting, he always paced in circles around our room, whether I was in there or not. Sometimes it bothered me, but now I was just afraid he was upset because of something I did wrong. Logic told me it was just his bipolar disorder speaking, but fear overrode sense and reason failed in favor of panic, and I couldn't help the dread that spread through my body like venom.

Eventually, Sollux turned to me. _"What the hell ith' wrong with you?!"_ It wasn't enough to call him upset — he was livid.

"Sollux, I just—"

"That wath' rhetorical, dipshit. I don't want to hear your voith'e right now. To be honeth't, I don't particularly want anything to do with you right now, either. But you know what? It'th' two AM and here I am, the firth't time back in my room th'ince I had to drive you to the hoth'pital for a broken fucking rib that I didn't know you could have even gotten becauth'e _you didn't th'ay anything about it!_ I don't give a flying fuck if you didn't want me to worry, I worried my ath' off about you anyway and you _th'till_ got beaten! You should have told me, becauth'e then I would have at leath't felt juth'tified in worrying and I wouldn't have felt guilty becauth'e I know you don't want me to. You're a fucking ath'hole, Karkat—" _Oh fuuuuck. He just had to say my full motherfucking name, didn't he. He is seriously pissed._ "—and you're my beth't fucking friend! I don't underth'tand why you lied to me! Beth't friendth' don't lie to each other, no matter what, and I—"

"I'm sorry!" My stomach clenched as I yelled to interrupt him and I narrowed my eyes at the pain, but I didn't let it stop me. "You're right, Sollux, I'm a complete shitsucking douchedick and you have every right to be pissed, and I'm really sorry I didn't tell you, but I just... you know what? Fuck it. I'm not gonna make excuses. Not wanting you to worry is really the only reason I didn't say anything. I don't want you to make special allowances for me because you felt like you had to. I don't want you to have to go out of your way to take special care of the piece of shit that I am. But no matter how embarrassed I was of it, I should have told you. You deserve at least that, and I'm a dick for keeping it from you. I won't keep it a secret anymore."

His face softened and he let out a huge sigh, rubbing his eyes from beneath his glasses. He set them on the nightstand seconds later and collapsed onto the bed beside me, still rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands. "Th'orry for yelling, KK. You..." He sighed. "You know how it ith'." I didn't respond.

A few minutes of silence later, I heard my voice come out, cracked from exhaustion. "Sollux...?"

"Hm?"

"We're still friends... right?"

"Of courth'e."

"Okay. Um... can we... c-can I go to bed now?" He nodded, looking just as tired as I felt.

"Do you need help getting up there? Or do you want to just th'leep on my bed and I'll th'leep up there?"

"I think we should maybe do that." He nodded again and stood, walking to the ladder. While he gradually made his way to the top bunk, switching the light off on his way up, I was stretching out as comfortably as I could in his bed.

He spoke from directly above me. "Good night, KK."

"'Night, Sollux."

One long, pain-filled, sleepless hour later, I was well aware this wasn't going to work. I lay debating my options for a while, finally deciding on just asking to switch. "Sollux?" I had hoped he wasn't asleep, but I whispered anyway, so I wouldn't wake him up if he was.

"Yeah?" He sounded tired but awake. Thank god. I would have gladly gone one sleepless night if it meant he got some rest, but I'd rather we both got some sleep.

"Can we switch back? I... can't sleep."

"I know. Me either. Hold on, let me juth't..." Rather than finishing his sentence, I heard the creak of wood that meant he had moved to the end of the bed.

Now came the hard part. The part I'd been dreading since I realized I couldn't sleep in his bed. "Sollux?" _Shit, fuck, no! Why is my voice cracking, stop it, fuck!_ "C-Can you, um, h-help me up?" _Oh my god, I'm stuttering, kill me now._

He just chuckled. "Sure, KK." I slid the covers off as far as I could and managed to sit up, dangling my legs off the side and resting my hand over my rib. He felt for my hand in the dark and I led his, one to my knee, the other to my neck. A grunt of effort escaped his lips when he lifted me off the bed, carrying my damaged body to the ladder. I locked my arms tightly around his neck and he managed somehow to get to the top, leaving me to slide onto the mattress. It was a slow process that left him short of breath.

"How the fuck did you do that before?" I asked, clenching then loosening my fists to release the tension in my knuckles.

"I don't know, but if you need anything, don't get out of bed for it — I'd rather go get it for you than carry your ath' back and forth."

"Wow, that means a lot coming from the laziest guy I know," I teased. We laughed a bit before he disappeared into his own bed. I settled into mine and fell asleep in seconds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Review please, I love reading them and I always try to respond ^-^


	4. Midnight Escapades

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Guys. Guys. I haven't updated in forever. Like, a month. I can't even. I blame summer school. Fuck that shit. Hard. Up the ass. Preferably with something extremely sharp. That aside, FINALLY Chapter Four. Can I just say, I am painfully nervous about uploading this chapter because of my sick brain and painful ship desires. Is it weird that I would find this flattering/attractive as fuck if I was in Karkat's position? Also, I borrowed that one line, "NOPE, NOT GOING TO THINK THAT," from another fic. I think it might be pacattack777's Until We Say Goodnight on fanfiction.net (I'm not entirely sure on that, but even if it's not, you should go read it anyway because it's beautiful uwu). Hope they don't mind I used that, I just think that line is hilarious.
> 
> So. My laptop broke. I'm just gonna keep writing on my shitty ancient desktop computer and wait for my laptop to either be replaced or fixed, preferably the former (my laptop is such a piece of shit, I can't even turn the brightness down [update: it got fixed, not replaced, but they might have also fixed every other issue? I can't be certain yet because they didn't fucking update so at the current point in time {between chapters 12 and 13}, I can't even so much as play Solitaire, let alone connect to the internet]). ~~Psst, also, if you guys want to follow me on Tumblr, my URL is katgirl28888. I don't post about chapter updates or anything, but I do reblog a lot of Homestuck shit and, basically, my blog is really small and pointless and shitty, but you should follow me anyway and send me asks and shit.~~ (EDIT: I no longer use tumblr, but all my links are still accessible via my [archive](http://achievement-tooths-archive.tumblr.com/things-and-stuff))
> 
> Without further ado, Chapter Four. Don't hate me ._.

Since the latest attack, I'd become a much lighter sleeper than I'd ever been, and the evidence was everywhere; Sollux's alarm would wake me up at dawn when normally he wouldn't shake me awake until after he'd showered. Once I woke up, I couldn't go back to sleep, either. I tried, but rest never came before I was supposed to be awake. Every morning went the same; Sollux's alarm, Sollux's shower, my pretending to be asleep, Sollux's waking me up, and then Sollux's bustling in and out, getting ready for his morning class and occasionally attempting to make groggy conversation. Before he left, he would hand me my laptop and I'd get to work on whatever schoolwork I could. Since he went to the same school as me, Sollux had explained my situation to my professors, thankfully being as vague as he could about the cause of my injury. Much to his chagrin, he'd been assigned the role of homework delivery boy — a job he only grudgingly agreed to, for my sake. It had only been four days since he'd taken me to the doctor, and by the end of Saturday, I felt more exhausted than I'd been in a long time, so I decided to go to bed early.

I snapped awake at his soft whisper beneath me, and I froze when pain shot over my rib cage. "KK?" It was still dark out, so Sollux must have known I was asleep. My first instinct was to respond, but something through my sleepy haze and painfully shallow breathing kept me silent. His tone didn't sound urgent enough to warrant waking me up, but at the same time, I didn't think he'd do it without reason. Nonetheless, I didn't answer him, even when he repeated the two letters full-volume. Be it the distracting pains in my chest, my sleep-deprived brain not making connections, or my lack of ability to obtain breath, I never quite got around to saying anything. I'm not entirely sure I tried, either; I was curious what he wanted from me in the middle of the night, but I was just as interested in what he'd do if he didn't get a reaction. I heard an unexpectedly pleased sigh and a low creak as he sank into his mattress. "Good."

At this point, I just closed my eyes and let my tensed muscles relax, thinking he was just going to go to sleep. "The lath't thing I need ith' him hearing me." They shot open again when he spoke. A few seconds later, he whimpered. Steeling myself to get up, I stopped when his two-letter nickname for me came out again in a strained grunt. He panted and soon after, I realized what he was doing. I almost wished I hadn't woken up at his first whisper, but the feeling disappeared when I started listening to him. A shudder of desire ran down my spine when I imagined myself being the _cause_ of those noises. I tried to stop it, but I couldn't get the image out of my mind; I knelt on my knees in front of him, hands keeping his hips pinned against the brick façade of a dark alley while my head bobbed around his erection. My mind transported us into the shower and I could see perfect rivulets of water streaming down his pale, taut skin. His hands were tangled in my hair, forcing my head back, and his teeth were worrying away at my neck and sanity. Suddenly the bright tiles disappeared in favor of Sollux's soft, goose-down stuffed comforter. We were tangled up in it and our moans were creating a gorgeous, symphonic cacophony. I heard his voice from below me and my imagination easily worked it into my fantasy.

"K-Karkat..."

_Wait, what?!_

Sollux was touching himself. Playing with himself. He was _touching himself._ And he was... thinking of... _me._ Sollux was touching himself to the thought of me. I was stunned for a few seconds. My brain was on hyperdrive, but my heart only seemed to be beating once every ten seconds. I had no choice but to lie in silence while time passed in slow motion. "KK... f-fuck... that feelth' th'o good." Another shiver seized my body and even more erotic pictures floated through my mind. I saw Sollux holding his naked body over mine, hands on the pillow on either side of my head and ecstasy-swollen lips caressing mine. Images could only do so much, but even so, it wasn't long before the pressure at my crotch started aching. _Shit, I can't just jerk off here! I'm not exactly... the_ quietest _of people... fuck._

I decided to wait for him to for him to finish before going to deal with my own problem. Unfortunately, that meant I had to listen to him finish. It didn't take long; the way he was moaning made me think he wanted to get it out of the way as soon as possible. "KK... K-Karkat... I-I'm gonna—!" The action I'm sure he was going to announce was cut off by him doing just that, complete with incredibly provocative moan and a grunt like nothing I've ever heard. A soft thump was heard and I knew he'd fallen back onto his covers, panting like he'd just run a marathon. After a minute or two, he yanked a tissue out of the box on the nightstand and threw it away just seconds later.

Then he started talking to himself.

It wasn't something he'd never done before. I'd heard him often enough, rummaging through the cabinets for cereal, flicking through channels only to settle on G4, like he always did. But I'd never heard him like this. Sollux' voice was so low... so smooth, even with his lisp. It flowed through my ears and mesmerized me, heightening my arousal further. "Jeth'uth', that was... amath'ing... and wrong. Th'o, th'o fuckin' wrong. What the fuck ith' wrong with me? Thith' ith' th'o th'ick. I am th'uch a fucking th'ick perth'on. Thank god KK'th' th'uch a heavy-th'leeper, otherwith'e I'd never get away with thith'. It'th' not like I should be doing thith' in the firth't plath'e. I mean, KK'th already told me he'th' not gay, he th'aid it th'traight to my fath'e even. It'th' not going to do me any good to fantath'ith'e about him. I shouldn't be doing thith'. I should not be doing thith'. It'th' th'o wrong. I juth't... can't help myth'elf, I gueth. Thith' really ith' the cloth'eth't I'm going to get, th'o I may ath' well enjoy it." He sighed and pushed himself off the bed, and I listened as his footsteps faded into the bathroom.

I let out the pent-up breath I didn't know I was holding and gasped at the slight pain. By the time I'd collected myself again, Sollux had walked back in, panting breaths gone and shuffling steps a lot more sleepy. Even when he fell into his bed, I waited until his breaths evened out further to start the slow, painful journey off the top bunk. Sollux grunted, only slightly reminiscent of the grunt I'd heard before. He sounded groggy as fuck when he spoke again. "KK? Where are you going?"

Hoping he was too out of it to see through my lie, I said, "I need to take a shower."

"In the middle of the night?" _Shit. Think fast._

"I don't feel good."

"Oh. M'kay." He melted into his sheets, his voice coming out muffled by the pillow. "Let me know if you need help or anything. I'll try not to look." Shaking my head in disbelief at his offer, I maneuvered the last step to the floor and slowly hobbled to the bathroom, a hand held gingerly over my rib. True to my word, I turned on the shower, leaving it at its coldest. _It's better than trying to keep my mouth shut when I know for a fact that I can't,_ I thought miserably.

I knew I couldn't, too. My mom gave me "the talk" just a few days after I touched myself sexually for the first time. Don't get me wrong, I loved my mom, but at that moment, I had wanted to be _anywhere_ else. Especially considering she left me with a bottle of lube and the words, "Just try to keep it down, okay, Karkat?"

Believe me when I say I tried; it just wasn't enough, no matter how quiet I thought I was being. One time at a family dinner, my adopted little sister Nepeta spoke up. She was only ten, so she didn't quite know what she was talking about, which made it that much worse when she said it in the company of not only my parents, but my aunt and cousin, too. "Hey, hey, Aunt 'Rezi, guess what! Guess what I heard! I heard Karkitty yelling at something earlier. He was kind of groaning and growling at it. He sounded upset, like really, _really_ upset. I could hear him from inside my room! I couldn't tell what he was saying though. I think he said—" Her voice dropped into a whisper for an instant before she brought it back to its normal volume. _"—the f-word_ a few times, but I couldn't hear anything else." My face flushed bright red and I, luckily sitting right next to her, practically slapped my hand over her mouth before she could continue.

They all looked at me curiously, and I quickly explained, lying, of course, "I was playing a video game and I died and I hadn't saved in a while, that's all."

"But you were moaning for a really long time!" I shot the ten year old a death glare that would have been terrifying on any face but mine. The adults exchanged raised eyebrows and my cousin shot me a knowing grin, and I took the opportunity to _hurriedly_ excuse myself from the table. My heart sank as I watched her follow suit just moments later and walk after me into my room.

"So," she began. "Karkat. I hear you're loud—"

"If you say one more fucking word, I swear to whatever god there may be, I will break my sickle out of its ornate little fucking case over there and I will _cut you in half with it._ Not another motherfucking word, Latula."

She laughed. "Calm down, _Karkitty,_ I was just teasing you."

"No shit."

"Oh, stop being a grumpy-puss." She tugged me — unwillingly, I might add — into a bear-hug, whispering into my ear, "Being loud is nothing to be embarrassed about. I'm loud. It's actually pretty radical, little dude."

I shoved her away from me furiously, my face even more red than it was before. _"Latula!"_ She grinned and started to exit the room.

"Don't worry, Karkles. I won't tell Mom... if I can help it." One infuriating laugh later, her overbearing presence could no longer be felt in room.

Oh, yes. I definitely couldn't keep my voice down. I knew it just as well as most of my family did. Thank god Trevor and I never _— NOPE, NOT GOING TO THINK THAT._ I had somehow managed to strip myself in my reveries, so I guess time for the inevitable had finally come. I glanced into the mirror first; what stared back was a scrawny twenty-something year old white kid with cuts and bruises and scars everywhere, none of which were self-inflicted — although both me and my reflection had often considered it. Dark brown hair was strewn messily over his head, touching just to the tip of his longest eyelashes and parting everywhere and nowhere all at once. This strangers wide eyes scanned me just as I scanned him, shining irises such a vibrant brown they could almost be considered red. Not quite as red as one of the college freshman's who was most likely asleep in the other room, but red all the same. Though most of the bruises had paled into barely-there swells of color now, a big, nasty, midnight blue splotch spread over his left rib.

And, of course, below all the lacerations and bruises scattered over his bony frame, he sported a raging boner.

I sighed and turned away from the mirror, simultaneously pleased and disgusted with my reflection. I felt I might be considered attractive if it weren't for my slight overbite or my unnervingly bright eyes or the mess of brown I called hair or the marks of weakness covering every square inch of my skin. Scars and bruises and cuts were nothing to be proud of. They weren't something to be idolized or valued. They weren't marks of honor. They were extra, permanent baggage that told stories of the past I wanted nothing more than to forget. They were disgusting; pathetic, even. Nasty, horrible, loathsome things. I didn't want Sollux to see them, ever. I'd put up with him teasing me for wearing a shirt when I went swimming. I'd put up with him laughing at me for refusing to change in the same room as him, even after we'd known each other for so long. Hell, I'd even put up with him making fun of me for wearing turtlenecks in the dead heat of summer. I'd put up with it all if it meant these scars could hide their secrets. Not that I didn't know he had his suspicions; I'd be surprised if he didn't. But the longer I hid them, the better.

Taking a deep, inadvertently painful breath, I stepped into the shower and lurched for the faucet upon impact. "Fuck, shitting hell, _goddamn_ that is fucking _cold!"_ I whispered to myself, turning it up just a bit. Fifteen minutes later, I made my way out of the shower, boner-free. The skin on my arms and legs and pretty much everywhere else it could be was raised with goosebumps, despite having let hot water run over my skin for a few minutes before getting out. I quickly toweled myself off and put my pajamas back on before exiting the bathroom. Sollux was fast asleep, which was okay considering I was at least awake enough to not make climbing to the top bunk a bigger ordeal than it needed to be. Five more minutes and I was under my comforter again. I passed out before I even knew I was nodding off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Review, pretty please~


	5. Something To Do With Pizza...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Do you even fucking know how much shit I had to learn to write this fucking chapter? I had to learn about fucking Oklahoma guys. I had to research the movie/documentary thing Bully to find out where Kelby lived to find an incredibly homophobic community that would justify Karkat's terror of coming out. Then Tuttle, OK was too tiny to have a shitting college, so I had to find a college I could justify sending them both to, and the nearest was DeVry in Oklahoma City. Then I had to mentally map out the area _perfectly_ so that I could make sense of Karkat's anger. And then I had to find out what fucking pizza places there are in Oklahoma City because I was dead-set on them attempting to get pizza. Then I had to get directions from the pizza place, which I've never been to before, so forgive me if I got the method of ordering or whatever wrong, to the address I mentally set for them to see how long it would take to walk back. And I still need to find the hospital (EDIT: I've only just officially set the hospital. I'm at Chapter Nineteen) to see if it justifies Karkat being able to have fallen asleep in the car on the way. This is far more effort than I've ever put into a fic. No, that's wrong. You don't understand; this is far more effort than I've ever put into _anything._ I don't work this hard on my _homework._ I hope you pricks are happy. Enjoy your fucking chapter. Bitches. (JK I love you guys. You make me feel like a real author! ^-^)
> 
> Tl;dr, I had to do more research for this chapter than I've ever done for anything ever, so enjoy your knowledgeable chapter. Also, sorry if I got anything wrong. I'm obviously really trying not to.
> 
> Speaking of research, astrapophobia, also known as astraphobia, is the fear of lightning and thunder, in case you were too fucking lazy to Google it yourself.
> 
> Okay, normally I wouldn't do this, but I'm gonna give you guys a song for this chapter. It's by possibly the most amazing singer I've ever had the fortune to listen to and actually talk to. Just go to jasoniscariot on Bandcamp (URLs work the same way as Tumblr) and play "And So He Screams." Don't listen to it from the beginning of the chapter, though. Start it when Sollux gets home. And also listen to the rest of Case's songs because they're beautiful and intense in the best way.
> 
> Also, sorry for the wait. I meant to have this out a few days ago, but my laptop's broken, so I had to type a lot of it out on my android using a very temperamental Google Drive app. I'm having my boyfriend update for me because he's wonderful, so all of you leave a review thanking him. Love you, Lucas :) Also, thank Kristina because she was a huge help, too. I have the best friends.
> 
> Fun Fact: I actually made the Captor-Vantas family in The Sims 3. They're both beautiful except for Sollux's hair. I also made Robert and his family, whom I'll introduce much later. They're ~absolutely flawless.~
> 
> And finally, I leave you with Chapter Five. Enjoy and review, please~

The next day was uneventful. In my boredom, time seemed to stagnate, frozen and entirely unbreakable. The only certainty I had that it wasn't stopped completely was the consistent rise and fall of the sun. I didn't say anything differently to Sollux than I normally would have, despite what I'd witnessed the previous night. He didn't act any differently to me than he normally would, despite what he'd done the previous night. It led me to believe that was something he'd done before. I had to admire his bravery in having done it even once, although it was slightly disconcerting that I'd slept through it in the past. At the same time, it was undeniably sexy and I found myself hoping he'd accidentally wake me up in the middle of the night with a quietly whispered nickname.

Regardless of the interest of the one night, time crawled incessantly and so began weeks turmoil involving sitting uncomfortably on my mattress, playing Minecraft and Grand Theft Auto and The Sims 3 whenever I could get away with it amidst literal piles of school work, while my roommate watched TV-for-nerds in the living room and brought me meals. In other words, normal everything except I was bed-bound. It was hell to get to the bathroom when Sollux wasn't around, and I cursed my inability to sleep in anyone's bed but my own every second of every agonizing minute I spent just climbing up and down to and from the top bunk. The stress from having to do mountains of work I hadn't learned yet was overwhelming, but I managed to deal with it without going batshit insane or stir-crazy or any of that shit. Though, I had to admit, being homestuck was starting to get to me. I practically had to beg Sollux to let me leave the house, but he flat out refused, and, for as much of a selfish, independent asshole as I was, I knew leaving alone was a horrible idea. In the third week of my bedridden recovery, when I could start to walk around without something to hold on to, I'd finally pestered him enough that he agreed to us having dinner at Hideaway Pizza.

"What do you want?" he asked, still looking at the menu.

"Uh... I don't know. Just get a large of whatever you're getting."

"Okay, well, I'm getting juth't plain cheeth'e, th'o if you want any toppingth', you're going to have to th'ay th'omething about it."

"Nah, cheese is fine."

"'Kay." I saw him glance at me out of the corner of my eye. I looked back at him and he said softly, "How's your side holding up?"

"Sollux. I'm fine. Don't fucking fuss over me, alright?" I growled, hoping, wishing, _praying_ he'd stop making a big deal out of it.

Rather than heeding my silent pleas, he scowled. "I know you say you're fine, but I also know you well enough to know that you'll say you're fine even when you are the exact fucking opposite of _fine_ , KK."

I sighed. I sighed because he was right and the argument was pointless and we both knew it. "Well, I'm fine right now, so you can just fuck right the hell off and buy me pizza, dammit."

He chuckled a bit but didn't reply because it was his turn to order. Soon enough, we were sitting across from each other in a two-person booth with a number on the edge of the table, chatting while we waited for our pizza.

We ended up with just a large cheese and a soda each. Sollux was ranting about some game he played earlier, going over the various ways he could improve it if he wanted to. "Why don't you improve it, then?" I asked, taking a sip of my Mountain Dew. I knew he could. He was better at coding and technology and shit like that than I could ever be, even though we were in the same class and he _tried_ to get me to believe that I wasn't as shit at is as I was. I still was, though. It was a simple, irrefutable fact.

"I don't know. Th'ome combination of th'chool and not having the proper th'oftware and every th'pare th'econd of my time th'pent taking care of the newly crippled ath'hole I call a roommate," he snarked back. I frowned indignantly.

"'Scuse me for a broken rib, dude. You should quit taking care of this crippled asshole and just fix your shitty game if it's that big a deal to you."

"Oh, right, and leave you marooned on your bed? You'd be begging for food come nightfall. Fat chanth'e."

"I've gotten on and off of that thing without your help plenty of times. You're not—"

"Why?"

"'Cause I had to take a shit?" I offered with a growl. "Oh, no, I just felt like walking around and climbing ladders and other physical activities like that that make complete sense in this situation."

He rolled his eyes. "I _meant_ why didn't you call me for help?"

"Yeah, Sollux, I'm totally gonna call and have you ditch class to help me get to the bathroom. _Fat chanth'e_ ," I mimicked.

"Maybe I like making sure you're okay, ath'hat. A little conth'ideration would be nith'e." His voice dropped and he looked away, a bit crestfallen.

"'Oh, hey, Sollux, just called to let you know I gotta take a dump. Hope you're having a great day, okay, bye!' That what you're looking for?" Crush or not, he had no right to act like I was incompetent. If taking him down a few notches meant snapping that attitude out of him, who was I to say no?

He just glared at me. "Yeah, KK, that'th' ekth'-fucking-zactly what I want. Shoot me a call after too, tell me how it went. I wanna know all the _nath'ty_ details." He sighed, letting his head hit the table in defeat before straightening up. "I juth't want to make sure I'm not gonna come home and find you path'ed out on the goddamn floor, not breathing becauth'e you fell off that idiotic ladder and th'tabbed your fucking rib into your fucking lung! Th'o yeah, th'orry I worried. You obviouth'ly have every lath't fucking thing under control in your dainty, delicate little handth'. Juth't keep on crawling down that wonderful path life has laid down for you like no one elth'e on thith' fuck-forsaken planet ith' worth giving half a fuck about like you alwayth' do, becauth'e that'th' juth't what everyone needth', ith'n't it, juth't a little bit more _anger_ —" Whatever he was about to say was cut off when my fist connected with his cheek from across the table.

I froze for a minute. He may have sounded condescending and acted like an ungrateful, whiny shit about helping me while I was injured, but he really did care. He just had a strange, infuriating way of showing it. But whether he cared or not was of little importance to me when his words stung as much as they did. I pulled my fist back to my side of the table and balled the other hand up as well, leaning on them both as I held myself up. Sollux's head whipped towards me and a small part of me wanted to apologize. So much more of me, however, had lit a roaring fire of rage, and I let that take precedence. I dropped my voice to a violent whisper and asked with a sneer, "How'd that 'dainty, delicate little hand' feel, dipshit?"

His eyes smoldered in fury while I pushed myself out of the booth, making sure to swipe the keys from the table before I stood. "Enjoy the pizza, asscunt. I'm going home. Have fun walking!" I shouted cheerily from the door, a transparent grin on my face. I managed to actually buckle myself in before the guilt hit me — and it hit hard, something reminiscent of a wheelbarrow full of cement falling from a scaffolding five stories up.

I tried not to think of how cold it was outside, or how long he'd have to walk in it without a jacket if he didn't get a ride home, or how pissed he'd be at me, or how he'd probably end up crashing at Feferi's place because he wouldn't be able to stand looking at me because I'm a fucking asshole. Those are the things I tried (failed) to not think about as I drove home. Along with the pain in my side, the distractions almost left me on the curb a few times.

Still, I managed to get home in one piece, mind heavy with regret and knuckles sore from clenching the steering wheel so tightly. I squinted down the dark sidewalk in the hope that I'd see Sollux walking up it, but somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew he couldn't have walked so far in less than ten minutes.

I went back inside, still starving and now alone on top of it. I sighed, walking to the kitchen and pulling out a box of cereal. Going back to my room, I tossed the box on Sollux's bed and heaved myself into it, grabbing my laptop and moving some files around so the save game I wanted would show up. I grabbed the Grand Theft Auto case and put the disk in, waiting for the Sims 3 launcher to pop up. I had to hide my favorite family in case Sollux ever got curious and went rummaging through my games. That was definitely something I didn't want him to find.

I played nearly an hour of the family I made of Sollux and me and steadily ate away at the Lucky Charms throughout, so I wasn't surprised when I reached my hand into the bag for another handful and found only crumbs. Growling to myself, I prepared myself to stand up and throw the box away when I heard the front door open. I hastily slammed my laptop shut and tossed it on my bed as quickly as I could without hurting myself too badly. Then I pushed myself to my feet and, snatching up the now empty box of cereal, walked as unsuspectingly into the kitchen as I could manage. His voice stopped me halfway across the room.

"Good night for a walk, don't you think?"

I forced myself to keep walking as I answered. "A bit chilly."

"Oh, yeah. Juth't a bit. But you wouldn't know anything about that, would you, KK?"

"Aheh, no, I can't say that I would." I unintentionally yawned, but it gave me an idea. "Jeez, I am tired, I think I'm gonna hit the hay."

"Oh, are you now? Need th'ome help climbing into bed, or — oh, no, wait, you can do it all by yourth'elf. Th'orry." He paused. " _I forgot_."

I whipped around. "Alright, Sollux, look, if you've got a fucking problem with me, why don't you just fucking _say_ it instead of making snide jabs at me like I'm too oblivious to notice."

"Alright, yeth', KK, I have a fucking problem. My problem ith' that I care about you. My problem ith' that I give a shit if I come home to a dead roommate becauth'e he wath' too fucking th'tubborn to ath'k for help, becauth'e he careth' more about hith' pride than he doeth' hith' life. When are you gonna th'top caring what I think of you and ath'k me to help you inth'tead? I don't want to loth'e you, KK. Ath'king me to help you with th'omething ith' not going to lower my opinion of you, no matter what. I'll alwayth' be your friend, even when you act like a th'elfish prick. There'th' my problem." I was stunned. Frozen in place. Everything he said made sense. Everything he said made me feel like an even bigger piece of shit than I knew I already was.

Instead of letting him know that, however, I forced my numbed legs into action and stalked into the bedroom, climbing slowly up the ladder. I was under the covers by the time he entered the room. I listened silently as he slumped down in his mattress. His heavy sigh met my ears as he switched off the desklamp and pulled his covers over him.

Minutes passed. My mind, hating me like it does, felt this was a wonderful time to dissect exactly how shitty a friend I was: I kept secrets when he told me everything. I lied to his face while he was sometimes brutally honest. I sincerely doubted I deserved as good a friend as him. He was considerate, kind, handsome, careful, everything I... wasn't. I felt like such a piece of shit for hitting him earlier, and even worse for keeping a huge secret after I'd told him I wouldn't. So I decided to do something about it, and doing something started with apologizing. I was laying on my left side, which hurt like a bitch but made breathing slightly easier, so my voice was kind of muffled by the wall when I spoke. "Sorry, Sollux." He did nothing to indicate that he heard me, so I cleared my throat and tried again. "I'm sorry."

He growled. "Not likely."

"I really am."

"What are you th'orry about? Becauth'e I'm having a _real_ hard time finding any honeth'ty or genuine meaning in your wordth'." My heart sunk somewhere into my stomach.

I swallowed hard. "I'm sorry that everything you said was true."

The bed creaked underneath him and I wondered what he was doing. "What do you mean?" he asked hesitantly, his voice just a little bit closer.

"I _am_ a selfish prick. I _do_ let my pride get the best of me, and I hate to admit to myself, much less anyone else, that I need help with anything. I don't say anything about it because I care what you think about me, and I care what you think about me because I don't want to lose you and I really care about you... a-as a friend," I added as a second thought. "I'm sorry I'm such a shitty friend. I'm sorry I lied to you about so much, and I'm sorry I'm still lying, and I'm sorry I'm such a fucking pussy because I can't work up the balls to tell you something I've known for years and never breathed an honest word to you about. And I'm so fucking sick of it, you know that? I'm so fucking done."

"KK, I—"

"No," I cut him off. "I need to say this now." Rain I hadn't noticed until now beat down on the roof and the window, and a flash of lightning colored the room white for an instant. Sollux gasped below me and a twinge of regret stopped my mouth. _Oh shit. Sollux has astrapophobia. He's scared shitless right now, isn't he?_ "Sollux...?" Rather than replying, he whimpered softly. "Sollux," I repeated, a new urgency in my tone, "you need to come up here. I can't get to you right now." Thunder cracked and he whined again, practically leaping off his bed and gripping the ladder with every ounce of strength he had. "Come on, Sollux, just climb up. It's nothing you haven't done before," I murmured soothingly, looking down at him from the edge of my bed. He nodded and swallowed so hard I could hear it as he vaulted himself up the few footholds. He almost cracked his head into mine, but I managed to wrench myself back before he did.

When I recovered, I looked ahead to find him on all fours, looking down and panting slightly. His eyes widened and he clenched the sheet between his fingers when another flash brightened the walls. Wordlessly, I put a hand on his shoulder. He instantly pushed himself forward and nestled into the curve of my arm. The thunder rolled and he curled into himself. I didn't say anything; I didn't need to. This was hardly something we hadn't done before, and I doubted it wouldn't be something we'd do again. So I held him like I'd done countless times before, and I secretly reveled in how nice it was to hold him. _He doesn't need to know yet_ , I decided. _Not tonight._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Review, pretty please with a cherry on top~


	6. Movie Marathons and Bowling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Once again, I'm just going to say how much I _REALLY HATE OKLAHOMA._ Why am I doing this? I had to learn about bowling alleys. Really? I had to read _reviews_ for bowling alleys in Oklahoma City. I'm so done with everything.
> 
> Also, spoiler warning, Important plot points are revealed about The Little Mermaid.
> 
> ...I say that like there are people who haven't seen The Little Mermaid. I mean, honestly, who _hasn't_ seen The Little Mermaid?
> 
> *sheepishly raises my hand* YOU PUT THAT HAND DOWN RIGHT THIS INSTANT.
> 
> Ahem. Chapter Six, enjoy and review~

I woke up warm but sore and lay still for a minute, basking in the comfortable heat, before trying to sit up. I failed miserably and looked over to figure out why; the answer came in the form of Sollux, who was sleeping heavily on my right arm. It took me a minute to remember why. The rain pattering — albeit much lighter — against the window soon jogged my memory. I tried not to think too much about what I was doing as I curled up next to the taller male and promptly fell back to sleep.

When I woke up again, I was warm in a different way and a bit disappointed to be able to roll onto my left side unrestrained. It wasn't anything out of the ordinary for me to wake up next to my roommate. It wasn't exactly a common occurrence, either, but it was something I'd come to expect after years of sleepovers under stormy skies. I blinked away my thoughts and wondered briefly where he'd gone until I heard a thump and a loud swear coming from the bathroom. I smiled to myself and gradually worked my way out from under the covers, deciding it was about time I woke up. Sollux apparently thought the same about exiting the bathroom, seeing as the door opened the instant I sat up.

"Mornin', KK," he called, words stifled by the toothbrush resting between his teeth.

I checked the clock before answering, which read only **8:27.** "You're up early on a Saturday," I remarked.

"Th'ame to you," he replied, returning to the bathroom. The sink spurted into life and he came out a moment later, towling off his mouth with the washrag around his neck. "What are you doing up th'o early, anyway? You're not really a morning person."

"Not arguing with you there," I replied, holding back a yawn and stretching as gently as I could. "I don't know. I just kind of woke up." He looked at me curiously. "You wanna do something today?"

"Sure, KK, 'cauth'e that worked _th'o_ well yeth'terday." I cringed at his words, but he didn't notice because he'd turned to toss the towel back into the bathroom.

"You forget, Sollux, yesterday wouldn't have gone to shit if you hadn't gone off on me about an injury I had nothing to do with," I stated irately, crossing my arms.

"Ah, and that'th' where you're wrong. You did have th'omething to do with it, and you could have prevented it if you'd th'wallowed your damn pride and told me about it in the firth't plath'e, th'o don't give me that malarky."

I snickered at his use of the word "malarky." It sounded childish and really cute coming from him. My enjoyment was cut short when I actually thought about his words. He retreated into the bathroom yet again and I thought about what I was gonna say. "Y-You're—" My voice came out quiet and squeaky, so I cleared my throat and tried again. "You're not still mad about that, right? I mean, we're still friends, aren't we?"

His head appeared in the doorway and he stared at me with the most incredulous expression I'd seen on him in a while. "Yeah, we're th'till friendth', dumbath'. What, did you think I'm juth't gonna th'uddenly hate you becauth'e I th'aid th'ome dick-ish shit to you that may or may not have been true? Dream on. You're not shaking me looth'e that eath'ily. Beth'ideth', I didn't take my medth' yeth'terday, th'o I realize I may have been a bit more of an ath' than usual. Juth't by a little, though," he snorted, removing his presence from the bedroom yet again. His voice came from the doorway, echoed by the magic of bathrooms that manages to amplify every noise a hundredfold. "Conth'idering thith' th'ort of converth'ation ith' what led to your mental breakdown lath't night, I'm going to take initiative and change the th'ubject before we de-eth'calate into blowth' again."

"You're a sassy son of a bitch, you know that?" I deadpanned.

"Of fucking courth'e I know that, KK. I am the Th'ath' Math'ter, goddammit." I broke into laughter, stifling it quicker than I would have liked due to the pain shooting up my side. It wasn't very often that I found things in life worth laughing at, so I took my pleasure where I could. Sollux popped out of the bathroom once more and shot me one of his trademark crooked grins, and I couldn't help but smile back. "But, I gueth' th'inth'e you're th'o hell-bent on leaving the houth'e, I _th'uppose_ I can bring myth'elf to do th'omething with you."

I glanced out the window. "I never said I wanted to leave the house, asswipe, have you looked outside lately? It's raining. The shit are we gonna do?" I shook my head. "I was thinking something more along the lines of a movie marathon."

"I'm gonna th'top you right there, KK. There'th' not a th'nowball'th' chanth'e in hell that I'm gonna watch any of your shitty romcomth' with you."

"We don't have to watch a romcom, shitface," I shouted indignantly.

"Oh, _really?_ Ith' that th'o? Alright then, O Great Math'ter of Movieth', tell me: what _are_ we going to watch?" I opened my mouth to shoot him a quick answer, but soon found I couldn't think of anything to say and instead sat there opening and closing my mouth like a fish out of water. "That'th' what I thought. If you want to watch _any_ movie with me, you have to help me th'et up, I get to pick the genre, _and_ we watch both my movieth' firth't." I grumbled unintelligibly for a bit and eventually muttered something that could have been taken as acceptance of his terms if he so wished; in other words, I was excited as fuck. It had been forever since we'd gotten to have a movie marathon. I managed to climb off the top bunk by myself with two pillows in hand, even though Sollux had been watching me dubiously throughout the entire descent. I flipped him off as I jumped off the last step and reached up to grab my eggplant purple comforter from the mattress. He did the same with his puce one and stuffed two of his pillows under his arms as well.

I jog-sprinted out to the couch and tossed all my shit on it before rushing over to the windows to draw the blinds against the gray morning. Sollux followed more slowly, dropping his bedding on top of mine and going about spreading it out over the sofa. It wasn't long until the room was dark and the couch was a veritable blanket nest. "Alright," I began, walking into the kitchen, "you know the drill." We had a simple rule for movie marathons; we each picked two movies, but we couldn't tell each other what they were. We only said what genre we'd chosen so that the other could pick two to match.

While I put the popcorn in the microwave, he stated possibly the only genre that could have surprised me, aside from romcoms; "Dith'ney cartoonth'." I choked on air and coughed a bit for effect, which I then regretted because my false coughing quickly faded into real coughing and made my side hurt like a motherfucker. I recovered myself and stared at him.

"Hold the fucking phone; you're kidding, right? You have got to be shitting me. We're watching _Disney_ movies? Disney _cartoons?_ Like, kids movies? You're gonna sit through _four_ cartoon movies?" I didn't even try to keep the astonishment out of my tone.

"Yeth', I'm going to th'it through four Dith'ney movieth'." I blinked at him. "What? There'th' nothing wrong with Dith'ney movieth'. Beth'ideth', it'th' been forever th'inth'e I've th'een any."

"I thought you hated Disney movies," I managed eventually.

"Th'ayth' who? I never th'aid that. I juth't don't get a chanth'e to watch them very often." I shook my head, still astounded at his choice, and turned my attention back to the popcorn. Hitting the preset, I walked back into the living room and leaned against the entertainment center.

"Alright, then. Pick your movies, I guess."

"Okay. Unleth' you have a problem with Dith'ney...?" he added hesitantly.

"No, no, I-I'm just... shocked, is all." He grinned and turned to the rack, picking out his movies. He tapped me on the shoulder to let me know I could choose mine while he put his first in. Minutes later, we were settled on the couch, a bowl of popcorn between us and our shoulders pressed together with a blanket wrapped around us. The movie Sollux had chosen was one of our few VHSes, so I immediately dug into the popcorn as he fastforwarded the obsolete previews. The popped kernels were still warm. Warm popcorn was the best.

He and I sank farther into the couch when the movie actually began, and I was pleasantly surprised to hear the introductory song for The Aristocats. About an hour and a half later, he put in his next movie. Once again, he surprised me with Lady and the Tramp 2: Scamp's Adventure. By the time we got to Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, I was half asleep and shamelessly resting with my head on his shoulder, and when The Little Mermaid came to life on the screen, my eyes were closed and only the pain in my side from awkward position kept me awake; I'd fallen part way onto Sollux's lap and was simultaneously leaning against his chest. I didn't even register his arms wrap around me as I faded into unconsciousness.

When I awoke for the third time that day, I found myself resting where I didn't remember falling asleep. I had to admit, though, Sollux's bed was unfairly comfortable. Even more comfortable, however, was the man himself sleeping practically underneath me. I glanced toward the window and instead found my blanket draped over the railing, blocking whatever light there was from the curtainless glass. Turning my head, I looked instead for the alarm clock. **3:48.** I was about to give up on life and just go back to sleep when my stomach growled loudly. _Oh. Right,_ I recalled. _The only thing I've eaten today was half a bowl of popcorn._ I groaned and slid my feet off the bed until they hit the carpet. Stretching carefully as I sat up, I used the edge of the upper bunk to pull myself to my feet. I was about to wake Sollux when I glanced back and found him blinking up at me from the pillow.

"Rise and shine, Sleeping Beauty," I teased. He smirked and I snapped my fingers. "Damn, I should have chosen Sleeping Beauty instead of The Little Mermaid." Sollux snorted in laughter and pushed me forward, climbing out of the bed after me.

"Yeah, becauth'e you would have been awake to watch it," he stated as he walked out of the room.

I stared after him. "What do you mean?" I distinctly remembered watching our last movie, down to the fireflies in the background when Sebastian sang Kiss The Girl.

He told me simply, "You fell ath'leep, KK."

"I... what?" I asked dumbfounded, following him into the kitchen. "But... no, I didn't. I clearly remember watching The Little Mermaid."

"Really? Well, I have to th'ay, my friend, that ith' complete and utter horth'eshit you're trying to feed me, becauth'e you were path'ed out cold, dead to the motherfucking world. If you do remember watching it, it wath'n't from thith' marathon."

"No way, I was totally awake. Triton destroyed Ariel's shrine of human stuff and Ursula double-crossed Ariel and Eric killed Ursula and—"

"KK, let me reiterate; you fell ath'leep. It's none of my buth'ineth'—" _Shit, that's still cute as fuck._ "—if you have the movie memorized, but I can tell you with two hundred perth'ent th'ertainty that you were ath'leep before any of the shit you just mentioned came within twenty minuteth' of happening."

"Lies and fallacy," I declared, effectively ending the argument and deciding with, as Sollux so eloquently put it, two hundred percent certainty that I was fully conscious throughout the duration of the movie and he was just fucking with me.

"Whatever, KK," he chuckled. "Well, anyway, I don't know about you, but I am fucking _th'arving,_ and if there'th' anything I don't feel like doing right now, it'th' cooking. How you feel about take-out?"

"Fuck take-out. Just pour yourself some cereal, you'll survive. Better yet, pour us both some cereal, minus milk, and we can kick some ass in Baulder's Gate while we eat."

"That th'ounds fuckin' th'weet. Go th'et up the game. What do you want?"

"Whatever. Wait, no, not whatever, cereal can go fuck itself. Get the Medley."

"Fuck yeth'." Five minutes later, I'd loaded up our best save in Baulder's Gate: Dark Alliance II. I was Allessia, the Human Cleric, and Sollux was Ysuran, the Moon Elf Necromancer. To say the least, they were our best characters, and we were _Gods_ at what we did. Sollux had supplied us with the Medley, which was basically a huge bowl filled with whatever we could find; various cereals, crackers, chips, pretty much anything that looked good, paired with a two liter bottle of Root Beer.

It was seated on either side of a bowl of cabinet fillers with an open, half-empty bottle of soda resting in my lap, cross-legged in front of a fifty-two inch plasma on full volume while slaughtering goblins that we were found when Feferi, Nepeta, and Kanaya walked through the front door.

"Sollux?" I called around a mouthful of pretzel and dorito.

"Yeah, KK?" my roommate replied, snatching up the Root Beer from my lap and taking a gulp.

I crunched the chips and swallowed before stating calmly, still mostly focused on the Goblin King. "It's Saturday."

"Th'atur...? Well. Shit," he answered, just as coolly.

"What on Earth are you two doing?"

I paused the game and turned around to find the ever-classy Ms. Maryam staring down at us from behind the couch. "Hi, Kanaya!" I waved cheerfully.

"Karkitty!" Within seconds of the loud cry, I found myself tackled against the couch.

I let out a noise akin to a hungry bear being suffocated and hugged my little sister back, subtly adjusting her arms so that they weren't crushing my ribs. "Hey, Nep."

"Well, looks like we're a bit late to the party! Oh well. The sooner we start, the better! I was excited to get started back at Kanaya's!"

"Nith'e to th'ee you, FF." Sollux stood and embraced the short indian girl. She jumped into his arms before he could move. "Oof! Jeez, when are you gonna get a haircut? Not to th'ay that I don't enjoy a mouthful of your hair every time I hug you, but you know." He grinned at her and she grinned back. "It'th' about damn time you guyth' got here, we were wath'ting away without you. KK, fetch my Root Beer, I feel the need to th'elebrate."

"Get it yourself, dickass," I yelled back, a rare smile gracing my lips.

"Aww, such a bad servent! I keep telling you to replace him, Pawlux~!"

"Thanks, Nepeta, good to know I'm loved."

The newly-turned-eighteen-year-old threw her arms around my neck again, choking me as she squealed, "Of course we love you, Karkat!" Kanaya smiled at me and I scowled back from somewhere between the couch cushions; she was standing just as tall and regal as she'd been when she arrived, watching in amusement at our greetings.

"Yes, Karkat, Nepeta's right. Where would we be without our perpetually angry friend?"

"Aren't you just a ray of sunshine," I replied, smirking in spite of myself.

"Same could be said about you, dear," she returned with a wink, turning to Feferi.

"Alright guys, it's already six-ten, let's shape our shit up and ship our asses _out!_ Our reservations are for six-thirty and they'll give our lane away if we're late." Sollux and I grabbed jackets and followed Feferi and the others out the door, leaving me to lock the door behind us.

That's right. It was Nepeta's eighteenth birthday party and she was dragging us out bowling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Review, my loves~


	7. Spaghetti Dinner, Anyone?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: You know, I didn't realize just how completely _done_ I was with HTML coding until I had to do it again. I am so fucking done.
> 
> I finally watched The Little Mermaid. It was adorable :33
> 
> You know what I'm really bad at? Updating on time. Or just update schedules in general, for that matter.
> 
> And here's Chapter Seven. You guys don't even realize how much fucking _effort_ I put out for you. I want reviews, dammit.

"Wow, Karkat, you were really off your game tonight. I was totally expecting to get tackle-pounced by your mad skills!" Nepeta teased me as she followed me inside.

"Yeah, shut up, 'kay? Who's to say I wasn't letting you win as a special present?" I said half-honestly.

She gasped loudly and slapped her hands over her mouth. "Oh, don't say that! I was feeling so proud of myself! You're such a meanie!"

I tossed my jacket on the kitchen counter and turned to give the shocked teen a hug. "Hey, I was just kidding. I _was_ off my game. You won fair and square," I murmured softly into her ear. She humphed at me, but hugged me back all the same.

"You better have been," she grumbled. She was right, of course; I really _had_ been off my game. Under any other circumstances, I could _easily_ have trampled everyone into the ground, but I had to take it easy this time because of my injury. The others didn't know and that was how I intended to keep it. As soon as the truth came out, the questions would follow, questions I couldn't answer without inviting even more, much worse questions. My excuse for the night was that I had let Nepeta win. Luck was on my side as far as timing went, anyway. Any earlier in my healing process and I would have had to sit out, and then this little excursion would definitely have raised some eyebrows.

Sollux and Feferi were next through the door, the former listening intently while the latter chatted his ear off. I didn't bother eavesdropping long enough to figure out what she was talking about so vehemently. Instead, I waited for Kanaya to cross the threshold so I could close the door. Once she was inside, I turned to my roommate and waited for a break in their conversation. "Still not feeling much like cooking, Sollux? Medley's great and all, but it doesn't do much for hunger."

He groaned and rolled his eyes so hard his head followed. _"Fine._ I _gueth'_ I can cook th'omething. What all do you guyth' want?"

"I saw some spaghetti in the cabinet earlier," I offered with a shrug. "That good with everyone?" A chorus of yesses met my ears from the girls and I turned into the kitchen to start a big pot of water on the stove. I couldn't cook worth shit, and given the opportunity, I could probably find a way to burn water, so I left the cooking to Sollux and resigned myself to set up and clean up. Kanaya set her purse on the armchair in the living room and Feferi followed suit with her little handbag. They both then got the tablecloth out of the pantry and spread it over the dining room table while Nepeta got plates, napkins, and silverware from the kitchen. I was setting the stovetop to high and Sollux was getting the two boxes of pasta from the cabinet. The five of us had homemade dinners together so often, courtesy of Sollux, that set up rarely took longer than a couple minutes. As such, we were done before the water even warmed up.

Sollux leaned against the counter, waiting for the water to boil, and Feferi joined him to continue their conversation. I added to the clean up effort going on in the living room. We'd left one hell of a mess after being ushered out of the house so quickly. "You know," I began, picking pieces of Chex Mix out of the rug, "I should be making you guys clean this up by yourself. It wouldn't look so bad in here if we hadn't been rushed out."

"Yes, Karkat, but considering you were the one who _made_ the mess, after all, it is only fair that you help us clean up after you... at the very least," Kanaya rationalized in her normal, snarky way.

"Shut your face, Kanaya, it's not my fault I forgot you were coming today."

"But you see, my dear Vantas, it _is_ your fault that _you_ forgot." I flipped her off and stood, looking around the room for any more signs of college-freshman-filth.

"Alright, we're done here," I announced. "Who's up for a round of Wii Tennis while Captor's cooking?" I heard a humph and a giggle from the kitchen, but ignored it and turned to Kanaya and Nepeta, who simply grinned at me. I couldn't keep the corners of my mouth from quirking up as I set up the Wii. Soon enough, Nepeta had demolished both me and Kanaya, forty-love, and Sollux had finished dinner, so we turned off the system and moved into the dining room.

Dinner was as enjoyable an event as it always was with the girls around. Somehow they always managed to coax a genuine laugh out of me, and I didn't find it hard to be myself around them. Too soon, however, they were gone and I was left with dish duty. Sollux snickered at me while disappearing into our bedroom, but I couldn't muster the willpower to raise a soapy finger in the general direction of his voice. As soon as the door clicked shut, I dried my hands, water still running to keep up appearances, and buried my head in my arms, collapsing against the counter. The sheer amount of energy it took to act like everything was okay was astounding, overwhelming, and I was all but completely spent. I stayed like that for a couple minutes until I heard the door open. I snapped upright and quickly snatched the paper towel I'd used to dry my hands off the tile counter. Holding it to my finger, I cursed under my breath as Sollux walked out.

"What happened to you?" he asked nonchalantly, walking to the fridge and pulling out a water bottle. _Why do we even have water bottles?_ I wondered. _We have a dispenser on the fridge, so it's pretty redundant to keep bottled water in the same fridge._ "KK?" I glanced at him; he had an eyebrow raised in my direction.

"Oh, uh, I nicked my finger on something," I lied. "It's not bleeding, but it hurts like a motherfucker."

"Uh-huh...," he nodded slowly, walking toward me. "Let me th'ee."

"Nah, it's okay. I'm fine." _Shit._

His eyes widened in realization. "You're not fine, are you? It'th' your rib, ith'n't it?" I ignored him and continued washing the dishes. "Dammit, KK, why are you th'o _difficult?"_ He sounded beyond exasperated.

"Just shut up about it, okay?" I muttered, looking away from him. "I'm just tired. It doesn't hurt, I _am_ fine, and not the kind of fine where I say I'm fine when I'm really the exact fucking opposite of fine, the kind of fine where I say I'm fine and _I really am fine._ Strange concept, huh?" He sighed and leaned back against the counter.

"Alright, whatever. If you th'ay you're fine, I gueth' you are." He paused for a minute and stared intently at his water, inspecting the lid like he had to memorize every ridge for his life. "I don't th'ee why it'th' th'uch a big deal to you, honeth'tly."

"I already explained this to you," I replied quietly, turning off the faucet and drying my hands again.

"You alth'o th'aid there wath' th'omething you wanted to tell me." I froze. "Th'omething you haven't been able to th'ay before."

On the outside, I was cool, calm, collected; no different from him. But on the inside, I was a complete and utter mess. I didn't think he'd remember that after lightning started flashing. I blinked away the strange tears threatening my eyes and struck out toward the bedroom. "Just forget about that. It wasn't anything important, just something I blew way out of proportion that doesn't even matter now anyway."

"You made it th'ound like a pretty big deal, KK, and thingth' can only be _th'o_ mith'judged." _You don't know how wrong you are. Things can be the exact opposite of what they seem. You've misjudged me pretty badly yourself, you know._ I didn't answer him and instead braced my hands on either side of the ladder. "Why don't you tell me inth'tead of pulling all thith' cagey, teenage-angth't-nobody-underth'tandth' bullshit?"

"God fucking dammit, Sollux!" I whipped around, yelling defensively and obstinately ignoring the glaring pain my rib punished me with. "I don't want to talk about it is why! I mean, Jesus dick, why don't you leave me the fuck alone about it instead of pressuring me for every fucking detail? Why can't you leave it at that?" I climbed angrily up the few wooden slats before realizing I was wearing jeans and a sweatshirt. "Son of a fuck," I growled, forcing my tired body back into action as I climbed back down. My foot slipped on the middle rung and, for a split second, I was afraid that Sollux's concern was about to be realized. Then I felt strong arms wrap around my waist and steady me, and I remembered that Sollux was still there. My cheeks burned in embarrassment as I stepped down and murmured my gratitude, unable to meet his gaze.

"You okay?" I searched for malice in his tone, for the slightest trace of smug satisfaction, but there was none. There was only concern.

"Yeah. I'm okay." I wasn't okay, really. I mean, physically, sure — but mentally, emotionally, everything was chaos. The one thing I could easily distinguish from the rest of the random shit racing through my brain was, _Sollux was right all along and you're an asshole. You should have listened to him, and now he's standing there, patiently waiting for you to explain yourself, you knew this was coming. Shit. Now what?_ My brain was right. Shit. Now what? I somehow managed to remember what was so important I almost had to introduce my face to the carpet to do and turned to the dresser, yanking it open and pulling out my usual long-sleeved nightshirt and gray sweats.

Taking a deep breath and swallowing thickly, I started to peel off my clothes, hyperconscious of Sollux's presence behind me. Every muscle he moved, every gasp, every sigh, it was like another shot from a semi-automatic with an infinite clip. Only time would tell if I'd been able to dodge the bullets, though I rather feared each one had been fatal.

"Jeth'uth', KK...," he whispered tentatively. "That'th' really... wow." I risked a glance back at him to find him mouth agape marveling at my undesired war paint. The only difference between war and me was that the soldiers actually got a chance to fight back. Sollux looked away, a slight blush tinting his cheeks. "That ekth'plainth' a lot of thingth'." I shuddered against the rain-bitten draft the window let in and quickly pulled on my pajamas. He moved to his bed and I sat down next to him. I hated that it had come to this; which of my secrets do I reveal, my sexuality or my months of abuse? It had been over a year since it started, and I'd borne marks from them for just as long. Even _I_ was surprised I'd managed to hide them for this long.

The other night, I _had_ been about to tell Sollux I was bisexual; then the storm happened and instead I ended up holding him through the night, hiding him from the flashes of light and protecting him from the rumble of the thunder. Then, I'd been determined, sure of myself, although I wouldn't say confident. I think "confident" would have been a bit too exaggerated. But whatever I was then, I wasn't now. Now I was just as scared as he'd been then. Now, my only option to avoid suspicion was to reveal the secret that didn't have words for me to garble, the one that didn't require me talking and saying the wrong thing and trying to atone for it with self-deprecation and the revealing of even more secrets, things I wouldn't realize I'd been keeping from him until I said them out loud. I couldn't do that now.

I'd realized words weren't a thing that was going to happen between us after the first minute, but that didn't mean I'd been expecting to feel his arms around me again. At first, I pulled away. Then I remembered it was Sollux, someone I could trust, and I hugged him back — just as fiercely, just as gently. He didn't pull away, opting instead to hold me tighter as he spoke. There was an urgency in his tone I hadn't been expecting. "KK, thith' th'eemth' like a really ath'hole-ish queth'tion, and it kind of ith', kind of 'cauth'e I'm an ath'hole and kind of 'cauth'e of the question—" I rolled my eyes and he got the message, clearing his throat and continuing. "—pleath'e, pleath'e, _pleath'e_ tell me none of thoth'e are th'elf-inflicted." His voice broke on the last "please."

I managed a wry smile at him. "That wasn't a question, dumbass." He opened his mouth to interject and I added, not allowing him time to speak, "I didn't do this to myself, Sollux."

"Holy fuck." It was all he could seem to manage, judging by how he kept repeating it. He didn't let me go for a couple minutes, but hey, I wasn't complaining. Eventually he untangled his arms and walked silently into the bathroom. I glanced over and saw his forgotten water bottle on the comforter behind me. Smirking, I picked it up and tossed it on my bed, climbing carefully up after it. Sollux soon returned to the room and settled into his bed. "Night, KK."

I smiled to myself. It had been a while since he'd said good night to me. "Night."

He moved around for a minute, rustling sheets and dislodging his pillow. "KK." I didn't react. "Did you take my water?" I snorted and dropped the bottle over the railing. "Ath'hat." I snort-laughed again and rolled onto my left side.

"Good night, Sollux."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Our favorite lisping douchebag had to retreat to the bathroom to compose himself.
> 
> Review, my lovelies.


	8. The Earliest of Birthday Morning Surprises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Still really fucking done with HTML coding, but I think I'm gonna be doing it like this from now on anyway, so meh. That being said, my laptop is really close to being fixed. I got a new hard drive installed, but the assholes at Dell couldn't be bothered to give me a recently updated version of Windows 7 or any drivers, so I can't connect to wifi, I can't play any of my games, I can't even open *.eml files, which is what I use to move what I've already written on my phone to my PC so I can type it out, which is a lot faster. So, needless to say, I'm pretty pissed at Dell, because in order to install the update and drivers, I need be connected to the internet, and I can't connect to wifi without the driver that I need to be connected to the internet for. *sigh* Life. On top of that, I'm at my parents' and they're just as unbearable as ever (I'm gonna leave it at that...), which is definitely hampering the speed in which I can have my laptop fully repaired.
> 
> Really long chapter because why not. This is how I prefer to write, honestly. Not much one for short chapters.
> 
> Oh, because I've gotten some questions about this, "nine hells" is a reference to Icewind Dale (which is possibly one of the best RPGs I've ever played). It's another Baulder's Gate spinoff, like Shadows of Amn or Dark Alliance... I like Black Isle, okay?
> 
> In any case, Chapter Eight! Enjoy!

Even in the fifth week of my rib's healing, despite feeling completely fine and no different than I had two months before, my mornings were starting as early as they'd been when I first got injured. I'd started going back to school, too, although I was impossibly behind in most of my classes. My job at the coffee shop was kaput, which I wasn't particularly all that bothered about. I'd seen neither hide nor hair of Trevor or his gang since the day he'd busted my rib, so I'd dared to hope that he was finally done getting his convoluted revenge on me and would let me live my life already. They were hardly a concern to me, anymore. Instead, I found my thoughts mainly occupied by the night I showed Sollux my scars. I wondered relentlessly what it would have been like if I had told him my sexuality instead, or if I hadn't showed him either. Considering what I'd heard from him on another night, a pleasant occurrence which sadly had yet to be repeated, he thought I was straight. What that night also told me was that he felt something other than friendship for me, physical attraction at the very least.

It left me wondering what I really had to fear in telling him.

Time flew like it does and soon it was the day before my birthday. Sollux was acting jittery and anxious, so I knew he had something planned. But as horrible as he was at pretending nothing was going on, finding out exactly _what_ it was was impossible. His lips were sealed with hot wax and super glue and the information was under lock and key in a dungeon made of obsidian. No matter how sideways I came at the subject, he always managed to see through my ruse and the truth eluded me still. He somehow told me everything I _needed_ to know without telling me what I really _wanted_ to know; don't make plans of my own, wear something light, grab "a th'wimth'uit" — that one had me wondering — and be prepared to go somewhere public. I guessed we were going to a pool, or maybe somewhere with a pool, or even a lake or something where he could have a bunch of people and loud music. Some of my wilder fantasies involved a private thing between me and him that somehow ended up in skinny dipping and sloppy makeouts. Unfortunately, I doubted those desires would come to light and, fun as they were to imagine, I went to bed June 11th with just as little information as I'd woken up with.

Next thing I knew, I was being yelled at to wake up by some heterochromatic-eyed asshole at seven thirty in the morning. "S'lux!" I groaned, slamming my pillow down over my head. My voice came out muffled under the fabric. "Isn't it, like, a universal rule that people get to sleep in 'til _at least_ noon on their birthdays?"

"Not _thith'_ birthday!" he replied unnecessarily loudly. "Get the fuck up, you can th'leep on the way there."

"Sleep on the way _where,_ what the hell are you talking about?" I asked, forcing myself to sit up and wincing at the watery sunlight filtering in through the window. _Why is there a window right in fucking front of my bed?_ I wondered irately.

"I'm talking about how you need to get a move on or they're gonna th'tart without uth'."

"They who?"

He ignored me. "Like I th'aid, you can th'leep in the truck, th'o get your ath' dreth'ed, grab your trunkth', and meet me in the garage in half an hour."

"Am I allowed a shower, Master Of Time Management?" I sneered, pulling myself to the end of the bed.

He replied curtly, walking out the door, "No."

"Gee, thanks, that's great! That doesn't leave time for breakfast, either, you know," I called, climbing down. "But maybe, just maybe, I can find some time in my small allotment to rub garbage under my arms. Think I'd smell bad enough then? Or do I need to carry it around in my pockets, too? Maybe I'll just eat that instead, I mean, who needs a nutritious breakfast when you have garbage to eat? I don't mean junk food, either, I mean literal garbage, like, you know, candy wrappers and milk cartons. If I'm lucky, I might find a rotting banana peel, or sour milk. There might even be some melted chocolate left in those wrappers! Wouldn't that be an absolute treat?" My sarcasm was unfortunately wasted on him because he was no longer in the room. I sighed and changed quickly, ignoring Sollux's advice to "dreth' light" and pulling on a long sleeved shirt and jeans. I quickly brushed my teeth and ran a brush through my untamable hair in the bathroom before returning to the dresser and digging out my gray and red swim trunks and dark gray surf shirt. I tucked them neatly under my arm and made my way out to the garage.

Sollux, who was waiting in the driver's seat with the door open, looked up as I entered and rolled his eyes, shouting, "Took you long enough."

I growled as I climbed in. "Shut the fuck up, it hasn't even been a full half hour." A smirk tugged at his lips.

"Go back to bed, you grumpy douche."

"Oh, I'll _gladly_ return to my bed!" I shot back. "Or at least, I would if my wonderful, nice, warm, comfortable, _not-the-front-seat-of-a-truck_ bed wasn't inside, twenty-plus feet away and counting, and I wasn't in a moving vehicle in the freezing fucking cold with a broken heater at seven fifty-four in the fucking morning _on my birthday._ Not to say that I'd normally give a fuck either way, but I think this should be the one day I'm allowed to sleep through, so this place you're taking me had better be the absolute shit to justify you pulling this bullshit, Captor."

"Jeth'uth' Chrith't, KK, you on your period?" That remark won him a hard punch in the arm. He snickered and rubbed his arm, pouting with mock hurt. "Go back to th'leep. And truth't me, it'll be worth it."

"Yeah, I'm gonna trust the same shithead who dragged me out of bed this goddamn early and still won't tell me where in the Nine Hells we're going." I muttered some more profanities under my breath and eventually settled as comfortably as I could into my seat, leaning my head against the seat belt and closing my eyes against the early morning sun. I dozed and time moved unthinkably fast around me until Sollux parked, at which point I sat up straight and stretched out my legs, glancing at the time on the digital display; **9:22.** Looking around, I saw nothing that I recognized; a massive, wide-open parking lot for an even bigger brick building, a lot of open land, and the occasional road cutting through the grasses. Yawning, I asked calmly, "Sollux?" He hummed in reply and started shuffling through some papers he'd stuffed in the visor. "Where the hell are we?"

"Wait. You'll th'ee th'oon enough, you impatient ath'."

"How 'th'oon' is 'th'oon enough'?"

"That'th' cute, KK, keep it up and I might adopt th'ome of your ridiculous curth'eth' ath' repayment."

"Oh, ha ha, I am so fucking flattered." Sollux found whatever papers he was looking for and we continued to bitch at each other as we exited the car and walked toward a smaller building I hadn't noticed before. Sollux opened the door and I followed him in to find myself in an IHOP. It was practically empty, despite how many cars there were in the parking lot; behind the counter stood a female cashier, I could see the chef in the back, leaning against the wall and checking his phone, I noticed two waitresses chatting in the hall that led to the kitchen, and there was a lonely old-timer sitting at the counter, sipping away at his coffee with a paper in hand. Finally, I turned to the right to find, much to my surprise, Kanaya, Nepeta, Feferi, Gamzee, Jade, and Dave. Grinning, I walked over to them, fist bumping the lattermost listed of the six and waving hello to everybody else before taking my seat. Sollux followed suit with a welcoming smile and a word of greeting before sitting next to me.

"Wow, Sollux. I forgive you for waking me up at the asscrack of dawn. Good on you for pulling this all together."

He smirked at me. "Don't give me that bullshit, KK, th'even thirty ith' hardly early. Beth'ideth', you don't need to thank me yet. You haven't even th'een the beth't of it." I looked at him quizzically, but decided not to pry for the time being. I had a feeling the answer was right next door, so I just let the anticipation build while we ate. A male waiter with a self-confident smile and a bright blonde streak in the middle of his light brown hair came to our table within a couple of minutes of our arrival. "Hello, w-welcome to IHOP. W-What'll it be for ya?" he asked. The stutter in his nasally voice went largely unnoticed. Everyone at the table ordered differently and Sollux and I got the same thing we got every time; an order each of a triple stack of pancakes, his with honey and mine with cherry syrup, and sides of bacon, eggs, and hashbrowns.

I caught Jade and Nepeta eye our dishes in unshielded doubt as they arrived. "Are they even gonna be able to eat all that?" Jade wondered out loud. I shot her a devilish smile and tucked into my meal. She stared in astonishment, slowly eating her own. About forty-five minutes later we were all finished. Sollux and I had cleared our plates, much to Jade's utter disbelief, and it wasn't long until we were exiting the restaurant. Sollux waved goodbye to the others and steered me back to the truck.

"We're leaving?"

"No, you juth't need to grab your th'wimth'uit. Then we'll go in."

"What the fuck even is this place?" I questioned, leaning into the truck to get my surf shirt and trunks.

"Would you th'top ath'king? You'll th'ee in, like, two minuteth'. Shut your mouth already and get your shit together. We have to wait for the otherth' to get back and then we can go in." I groaned and slammed the door shut, walking around to the front of the truck with my swimwear in hand. Leaning against the hood of the vehicle, I studied the building while we were waiting. For whatever brilliant marketing reason, there was no sign above the door, or anywhere for that matter. It was essentially an unmarked building. I did, however, notice an arrow pointing to the left side of the massive brick structure, which led me to believe that the entrance was on the other side for, again, some remarkable marketing reason. Finally, the rest of our party joined us and Sollux allowed me to begin making my way towards the building. He walked beside me, matching me step for step, and the group of six following us chatted amongst themselves while I remained silent. I was too excited to talk, anyway.

I heard a child scream and roaring water as I walked along the side and wondered exactly what the fuck kind of place Sollux was taking me to. When we began to round the building, I tried to glance up and see if I could make out with the sign — I-I mean, make out _what_ it said — but my raven-haired roommate (asshole) hit the back of my head. "Ith' it literally impoth'ible for you to be patient?" he muttered.

"Maybe," I replied under my breath. The word coaxed a smile out of him, but he didn't respond.

As soon as the door came into view, he stopped and asked, "Everybody got what they need?" They all confirmed and I decided to be a courteous fucker and open the door for them. Really, I just wanted to get inside and see what they'd been planning for a week, and the sooner I could get them in, the sooner _I_ could get in. Unfortunately, the size of our group meant I was stuck behind the opaque door while the rest of them squeezed and filed through the open arch. I finally managed to make it in after them and was immediately awestruck at the sheer mass of the structure before me; in the middle of the room, towards the back, was an enormous coil of tubing that stretched from a platform near the ceiling to the deep, glistening pool on the ground level, the latter of which extended out nearly twenty feet in every direction. Various colorful, slightly less impressive slides decorated the edges of the smaller pool. Closer to where I stood was a much bigger pool, approximately fifty feet in length and thirty in width, that was constantly wracked with wave after wave of cool, crystal clear spray. A shallow kiddie pool was tucked into the corner opposite the food court, changing rooms, and lockers, and both sections were separated by their own ropes. It was all blocked off by a wrought iron fence with vertical bars and two gates, one a push-to-open entrance gate and the other a one-way-only rotating exit gate. A kiosk with three windows and three surprisingly short lines stood by the entrance gate.

I turned to Sollux, who had migrated from the front of the group to the back, and stared in completely speechless disbelief. He looked back at me hopefully, and I tried to remember how to talk through the excited haze that was my mind. "You... fucking... water park... _dude."_ He broke into a grin and couldn't help myself from hugging him like the world was ending. "Sollux, this is fucking amazing. Thank you, oh my fucking god." Too soon, I was pulling my arms back to my own side and found myself unable to keep from grinning like a banshee.

"Glad to th'ee you're happy. Birthday treat, we're getting all-day path'eth'," he informed me. I was once again incapable of speech. He just chuckled and turned to say something to Feferi. I was lost in my thoughts as I stood behind him in line, stepping forward whenever I caught movement from in front of me and trying (failing) to stop smiling. Kanaya kept glancing back at me then saying something to Nepeta, who laughed and said something back. Jade and Dave were locked in their own conversation, and Gamzee was listening to and occasionally interjecting in Sollux and Feferi's discussion. I was perfectly content not saying a word, probably because I didn't think I could manage a coherent one if my life depended on it.

Eventually, we were next at the window and I heard Sollux say, "All-day for eight." I glanced up in time to see the woman behind the glass blink in surprise before calculating his price and asking for each person's wrist so that she could put the wristband on. The all-day bands were a dull yellow. The next minute or so went by in a blur and then I was in the changing room, replacing my clothes with swimwear. Sollux, who'd come wearing his trunks and had just had to remove his shirt and shoes to be ready, was waiting for me outside of the tiled room. "Our locker'th' over here, KK," he said when I exited, leading me to locker #413. I put my stuff in it and then, making sure he had the key his the pocket of his swim trunks, slammed the locker closed. "You ready?" I nodded and he turned toward the pools, ducking under the rope. I followed suit and dove after him into the wave pool.

The day went by far too quickly; we'd regrouped around one and gotten lunch, which was good food for a water park food court, and about half-past four, we were all exhausted from swimming and climbing to the top of the slides — the giant spiral-slide was fucking awesome and by far the highlight of everybody's day; the only problem was that it also had the most stairs to climb up. Dave almost fell down one flight and Jade had the time of her life making references to his shitty comic. Sollux rounded everyone up soon after and suggested we move the party to our house. They all agreed and I even convinced him to let me drive home because he'd driven us here, although he'd had to feed me directions because I still didn't know where we were. By quarter-past six, we'd all met up once again at our house and I was shocked out of my mind to see everyone walking in with various wrapped things in various sizes and various shapes. "Oh my fucking god, no, you guys got me presents, too? This is absolutely not happening, take them all back, return them, keep them, whatever, I don't want them. That water park was gift enough."

"Karkat, please be more grateful. Some of us cannot return our presents," Kanaya pointed out.

"Yeah, Karkitty, I got mine special-made for you!" Nepeta added somewhat hesitantly. I shook my head.

"Then keep it, I'm serious guys, I don't want this shit. It's too much."

"Dude, shut the fuck up and just accept our amazing, well-thought out, pricey gifts," Dave interjected.

"No, take it for yourself, whatever it is. Whatever they are. I don't want them. I mean, hauling your asses out there for a fucking water park, not only is that expensive in itself, but that's a lot of time wasted on my behalf. I don't want to—"

_"Karkat."_ All it took was my name from Sollux to get me to stop arguing and accept what everyone got me. Nepeta's gift came first; a perfect 1'x1' cube wrapped in white paper with a black pawprint pattern. I unwrapped it carefully, leaving the paper intact because I knew she would get upset if I ripped it, to reveal a brown cardboard box, complete with mailing label. Looking curiously at her, I took the scissors Sollux offered me and snipped the tape on the edges, lifting the lid and finding two halves of a Styrofoam shell. I cautiously pulled it out and separated the halves. What was resting between them was a gorgeously intricate snowglobe. The inside was sculpted with a detailed duplicate of the first house we'd lived in growing up, complete with our parents and us standing in front of it; a perfect physical representation of one of my favorite pictures taken there. "Oh, Nep," I murmured, turning it over in my hands.

"I remembered how you used to say you wish it would snow when we lived there, so I guess now you can look at that and imagine it's snowing," she said bashfully, a light blush brightening her cheeks. We lived in the southernmost part of a suburb in Williamsburg, Florida until I was nine, and I'd only ever seen snow in movies and read about it in books. I was surprised she'd remembered that, having been only six when we moved to Oklahoma City, and more stunned still that she'd thought to make something like this. I set it gently on the coffee table and stood to give her a hug. "Thank you. I love it," I whispered in her ear. She just smiled at me and I sat back down. Kanaya handed me her gift next — a small, thin rectangle I assumed could only be a DVD.

"Well, I hardly think I will be able to top that, but I hope you like my present either way." I began unwrapping it in response and rather than the expected movie boxshot, I uncovered a delicate silver picture frame. Inside it was a photo of her, Sollux, and me at our high school graduation, his arms around both of our necks and happy smiles brightening our faces. I had two fingers above Sollux's head and Kanaya had the most mischievous sparkle in her eyes. Shortly after this photo was taken, Kanaya's shit-eating grin was explained when she and her best friend Vriska had left me in only my underwear after we all went out swimming. Regardless, that had been one of the best days of my life. I gave Kanaya a heartfelt thank-you and listened with an amused scowl as Dave and Jade fought over who would give me their present first. Feferi ended the argument by placing hers on my lap and the two sat down in embarrassment, Jade conceding to Dave for first present-giving right.

I tore apart the paper on Feferi's gift and thanked her for four new games; Civilization IV: Gold Edition for PC and the entire Jak and Daxter trilogy for PS2. Gamzee somehow managed to get his present in front of me before Strider did, so I smirked at the blond while I opened Makara's gift; it was a pretty big cube of _something_ — the paper crinkled when I pushed against it, so it couldn't have been a box. The paper ripped off easily to reveal a black comforter scattered haphazardly with gray dots. The stitching was purple. He suggested that Sollux and I use it as part of our blanket nests for when we have movie marathons, and I thanked him and immediately received Dave's gift. It came in the shape of a smaller, more tightly wrapped, slightly slimmer rectangle than Kanaya's had, and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that it was a CD. I opened it quickly and wasn't disappointed to find his trademark shitty Sweet-Bro-and-Hella-Jeff-style album art. Opening the case, I found a plain white disk with Hella Jeff's face coming in from the right side. It wasn't hard to tell it was an album of his music, which wasn't as bad as I pretended it was, though it was still pretty bad.

"What do you think?" he asked snarkily, folding his arms behind his head and leaning back in the armchair.

"You little shit," I stated. He raised an eyebrow at me, which was about as much of a reaction as I could hope to get out of the fair-haired coolkid. "You said your gift was expensive. You had me feeling like an ass for wasting your money by not wanting to accept it. And now I get this cruddy junk and—"

"Hey, hey, Karkles—" I won't even get into how he learned of the nickname. "—time is money, and I spent a lot of time on that album, so hold onto it because that shit is fuckin' gold. Beats sicker than a beached whale and hooks as fresh as a sushi dinner." Feferi giggled at his horrible aquatic similes as I rolled my eyes and set the jewel case next to Nepeta's snowglobe. I took Jade's present and pulled away the paper, which yielded a really cool red lava lamp. Yet another thank you passed my lips and my attention turned to Sollux as he began to speak. He'd been silent during most of the exchange, resting his head in his hands in what I guessed was physical tiredness and only perking up when I'd thanked Jade for her present.

"My preth'ent wath' the water park, th'o that'th' all you're getting from me and you better be damn grateful for it." I snort-laughed and he smiled and leaned back in the couch. "Oh, alth'o," he added, a suspicious note of satisfaction in his tone, "the cake in the fridge. I alth'o got you that." Everyone else stood up and made their way to the kitchen, Dave letting out a quiet "hell fucking yes," and I pushed myself to my feet. Before I followed them into the kitchen, I rolled my eyes at Sollux.

"Smug asshole."

He shot me a grin. "And don't you forget it."

Again, I couldn't help but smile back. "You comin'?"

"Nah," he shrugged. "Think I'll th'it it out for now. Th'ave me a pieth'e, though."

"Fuck no," I returned as I walked into the kitchen, vowing silently to give him my own slice if I had to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Review please! ^-^


	9. That Didn't Go According To Plan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: It's finally fucking here, guys. I'm pretty sure that most of you have been anxiously awaiting this chapter. Not this chapter specifically, I mean the chapter in which this certain event takes place. *wonks 5eva*
> 
> Also, I'm getting real tired of your shit, Oklahoma. Namely, research. Bluh. Meanwhile, my laptop's still broken. Uuugh.
> 
> Minor spoiler warning for _The Switch._ For those of you who don't know what an MMORPG is, it's the common acronym for Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game. Some popular ones are Minecraft (MC), World of Warcraft (WoW), League of Legends (LoL), Runescape (RS), Defense of the Ancients (DotA), etc....
> 
> I would just like to say, _I_ was fangirling painfully because of this chapter, so if you guys don't like it, get the fuck out.
> 
> Chapter Nine, enjoy~!

I lay on my stomach on top of my bed, staring blankly as the wax in Jade's lava lamp rose and sank in the oil. Sollux was playing some MMORPG on his laptop, World of Warcraft I think, and cursing violently on occasion. I did nothing but study the lava lamp and listen to Dave's slightly-less-shitty-than-usual album on my PC. It had been around seven when everybody left, full of rich red velvet cake with cream cheese frosting. Sollux had changed quickly into his PJs and gotten his slice of cake after they'd gone, which was now resting next to him on his bed. My war spoils were all put away for the most part; Dave's CD was currently in use, I'd plugged in Jade's lava lamp first thing, Nepeta's snowglobe was resting next to the alarm clock on the dresser across the room, and Kanaya's picture frame was facing up at me from the opposite side of the digital display. Gamzee's comforter was tucked away in a corner of the closet for the time being, and Feferi's games were laying by their respective consoles.

I felt very fortunate, which wasn't a feeling I got often. I had an incredible day swimming with my friends, and my rib didn't even cause me any trouble throughout. Then the greatest friends I could hope to have gave me incredible presents. Finally, I got a big slice of an incredible cake. I normally didn't do anything big for my birthdays; usually the days were spent just sitting at home playing video games with Sollux, or maybe my parents would clear their schedules and take me and Nep on vacation for a couple days. Nothing major, just time spent with family. Nothing like this.

Out of nowhere, I heard Sollux's laptop snap shut and his bed groan as he stood up. I assumed he was just going to take his now empty cake plate into the kitchen, but instead he said, "KK, get up and meet me in the kitchen."

"What?" I asked after him, pushing myself to my hands and knees. I crawled to the edge of the bed just as the door shut behind him. I muttered under my breath as I climbed down the ladder, "Brilliant fucking explanation." When I walked into the kitchen, I found him rummaging through the cabinet above the fridge. "What the hell are you looking for in there? Do we even keep anything in that cabinet?" I asked. I wasn't quite tall enough to reach it, so I didn't think either of us kept anything in there. My eyes widened when, rather than answering, he pulled down two bottles of booze; one half-empty bottle of Jack Daniel's rum and another of unopened Absolut vanilla vodka.

I glanced at him, my eyebrow shooting up. "What in the hell is this?"

"Come on, it'th' your twenty-firth't, did you really think you'd get through the whole day without taking your firth't legal th'ip of alcohol?" My face fell slack and I stared blankly at him.

"Are you shitting me?" He grinned and pulled out two glass cups from another cupboard.

"Abth'olutely not. I th'aid earlier I didn't have anything elth'e for you, but I really juth't didn't want you getting drunk off your ath' becauth'e you can't hold your liquor and making a fool out of yourth'elf in front of everybody elth'e. I mean, I _could_ have done that, and it would have been fucking hilariouth'... but I deth'ided againth't it becauth'e I'm a good perth'on. You should be thanking me. Now, I think you should th'tart with rum and coke and then we can move on to vodka if you're feeling like it."

"Sollux, I don't really wanna..." I trailed off and decided to throw caution to the wind. "Fuck it. Pour me a fuckin' glass," I demanded, taking a seat across the counter at one of the barstools. His grin broadened and he poured two expert glasses of rum and coke on the rocks, getting a can of the latter out of the fridge. "You do that like you've done it before," I commented offhandedly.

"Who'th' to th'ay I haven't?" he shot back. I raised my eyebrows in grudging admiration and accepted the glass he pushed into my hand. Eyeing it dubiously, I glanced back up at Sollux, who nodded encouragingly as he took a sip of his own, and I tipped it gently back against my lips. The cool liquid was chased by a fiery burn as it slid down my throat. My eyes watered as I set down the glass.

"Holy mother _fuck,"_ I muttered, blinking. I'd had the occasional beer over the years, but never hard liquor like that. "That was... interesting."

Sollux smirked at me, downing about three-quarters of his glass. "You get uth'ed to it." I picked up my own, determined to not look completely incompetent, and forced down at least half of it. I tried with all my might to keep from coughing afterward, but I ended up slamming the glass onto the tile counter and spilling a bit as I spluttered and hacked. Somewhere in my coughing fit, Sollux had set down his drink and fallen back against the counter, laughing. I scowled darkly at him and looked away, snatching up my own and taking another tiny sip. It was stronger at the bottom, but that didn't deter me from finishing it. Sollux eventually contained himself and wiped tears of laughter from his eyes as he finished what was left in the glass. He got one of the water bottles from the fridge and tossed it to me; I almost dropped it, and I knew that was the fault of the alcohol. I could feel my coordination was off, nowhere near wasted-hobbling incoordination, but enough to make me waver in my seat.

Sollux drank the last sip of the coke and grabbed the bottles. He tossed the can in the trash and stowed the bottles back in the cabinet. "I think that'th' enough for you for now. How do you feel?" he asked, walking around the counter to me.

"A bit... light-headed, I guess." I took a few gulps of the water. "And uncoordinated. This isn't the first time I've drank, Sollux," I pointed out, screwing the lid on the bottle.

"Yeah, but it _ith'_ the firth't time you've gotten buzzed on hard liquor."

"It really doesn't feel any different," I told him, scooting out of my seat and steadying myself on my feet. I was swaying a lot more than I had in the past, so I figured there might have been some truth to him having said hard liquor gives a different buzz. Sollux didn't seem to be swaying at all, which I found entirely unfair. _Why can that asshole hold his liquor and I can't? Fuckface._ I shook the thought and turned to go back into my room. My roommate followed and I let him pass me to get to his bed before I attempted to climb the ladder to mine. I got to the first rung before stepping back down.

"Well, that's not happening," I informed him quietly. He chuckled and patted the bed next to him. I took the seat, saying, "What am I supposed to do here, watch you play WoW or whatever the fuck it is you were playing earlier?"

"It wath' LoL, ath'wipe, how do you even fuck those up? They don't even look alike," he replied. "And yeah, that'th' exactly what I had in mind." I rolled my eyes at his sarcasm and he smirked. "Alright fine. I wath' juth' gonna tell my teammateth' how shit they are at thith' game then go back into the living room. You wanna watch a movie or th'omething? I'll let you watch a romcom th'inth'e it'th' your birthday, but thith' ith' one-time th'pecial treatment, th'o don't get uth'ed to it." I let a smile grace my features as I braced myself against the rail of the bed.

"Yeah, sure. How does _The Switch_ sound?" I suggested, pulling myself to my feet again.

"Shitty. But whatever, it'th' up to you." I sighed and started towards the closet.

"You really need to get it into your head what good cinema is, Captor." It didn't take long to get Gamzee's comforter out of the casing.

"You firth't," he snarked. I started back towards the living room with the king-sized comforter around my shoulders, but tripped over the plastic it came in and fell hard against the carpet. Sollux burst out laughing and left the room, turning towards the kitchen. I growled and walked out of the bedroom, throwing the blanket on the couch and easily making a comfortable nest out of it. It was thick enough that we wouldn't even need pillows to sit on, so I moved to the rack and pulled out the movie I'd seen a hundred times before, popping it into the DVD player just as Sollux returned with a small bowl of popcorn. He settled himself on the couch and I grabbed the remote, skipping straight to the menu and playing the movie as I got comfortable beside him.

We had gotten to Wally's confession when our hands brushed in the popcorn bowl. Normally, it wouldn't have meant anything, but now the contact sent an electric shock up my arm strong enough to make me yank my hand back. Maybe it was the alcohol. Sollux glanced curiously at me out of the corner of his eye, but didn't say anything about my strange reaction. I leaned back and hoped the fold in the blanket would hide my flaming cheeks from him.

When the movie ended, I put the popcorn bowl in the kitchen and returned the DVD to its case while Sollux folded the blanket and put it back in the closet. The clock on the oven read **8:58.** _It's getting late,_ I noted. _And I think my buzz is wearing off. Fuck, the last thing I feel like being right now is sober._ Checking quickly to make sure Sollux was still in the bedroom, I climbed on top of the counter and opened the cabinet above the fridge, pulling out the rum. Shooting a glance once more at the door, I uncapped it and took a couple of huge swallows that left my throat burning.

I quickly returned the bottle to its home in the cabinet and jumped lightly off the counter, steadying myself against the sudden wave of dizziness. I shook my head lightly and walked back into the bedroom. Sollux was sitting on his bed again with computer in hand, playing Solitaire of all things. He didn't look up as I walked in, and I took a seat next to him again and watched him play the card game. He won within a couple minutes, a couple minutes I'd been using to steel myself for what I was about to do. He closed the laptop and arched his back in a stretch.

"Uh... Sollux?" He hm-ed at me and I swallowed before speaking. "You know, there's something I've, um, been thinking about lately." _Off to an_ amazing _start, keep it up, you fucking idiot, maybe he'll just be too busy laughing at you by the end to care what you have to say,_ I scolded myself. He quirked up an eyebrow and straightened himself. I continued. "And, it's really kind of been bothering me for a while, because it's something I know bothers you because I don't talk about it, and..." I trailed of, mentally kicking myself. _Fuck, this is not going well at all._ I wasn't even sure why I was saying this now. Once again, maybe it was the alcohol. Maybe it was because I couldn't take maintaining a lie to someone who just didn't deserve it. Maybe it was because I was straight fucking _sick_ of lying. I was feeling bold, and though this wasn't in my original plan, the thought was in my mind and it was suddenly the only thing I could think about, the only thing I could focus on.

"KK, can you pleath'e th'tart making th'enth'e?"

"Look, Sollux, this is really fucking hard to say, and I don't want it to... you know what, fuck it, fuck it, fuck _everything,_ just _fuck it!"_ And with that, I brought my hands up to his head, thrust mine forward, and pressed my lips against his.

A few seconds passed when he did nothing, seconds that each felt like their own, individual eternity. A few seconds passed when he did nothing. And then he reacted.

I was expecting Sollux to shove me back like a car was headed straight for me. I was expecting him to recoil faster than a snake about to strike. I was expecting him to freeze until I pulled away then look at me like I was the filthiest piece of trash the world had to offer. I was expecting him to start throwing curses and punches like I was trying to kill him. What I hadn't expected was for him to kiss me back. I hadn't expected to feel his arms snaking around my waist and his lips working against mine. I hadn't expected to find myself pinned against the mattress within seconds of first contact while his tongue teased itself between my lips. I parted them more in pure astonishment than anything else, but he took that as permission to explore the inside of my mouth and plunged right in. I was surprised first to feel my hands find each other on the opposite side of his neck, and more surprised still to feel my tongue on the inside of his teeth.

Suddenly his hands were on either side of my head like mine had been on his hardly a minute before and he was pulling away. My eyes tore open, part in fear and part in hope, and I stared up at him, my mouth still slightly open and a thin trail of spit gleaming between our mouths. He stared back and murmured something so softly I could scarcely make it out; after a couple seconds, I realized he'd said, "Do you have any idea how long I'd been waiting for that?" I swallowed hard yet again as he flicked his tongue out to catch the saliva on the corner of his mouth. He cleared his throat and pushed himself up and off of me. I sat up much more slowly, still overwhelmingly stunned by his reaction. I could still smell the light alcohol on his breath.

"Well then," he began after a moment of silence between us. "Mind if I ath'k what prompted that?"

"Honestly, probably the alcohol," I admitted, unable to look at him. To my surprise, he chuckled.

"Remind me to get you drunk more often."

"Okay," I said, his words jogging my memory, "my turn; what the hell was that?"

"I'm pretty sure you can anth'wer that yourth'elf."

"No, I mean... why did you return the... you know... er, like, why didn't you... oh, fuck this, why did you kiss me back?" _Dear sweet fuck, I actually kissed him,_ I realized with a jolt.

"Becauth'e I wanted to."

"Oh." Another awkward pause electrified the tension in the air. "What now?" I asked, shattering it.

"I don't know." He sighed.

"I'm bi, Sollux."

"Yeth', thank you, KK, I gathered that." Now it was my turn to let out a nervous laugh.

"Um. That doesn't mean... like, just because I'm bi doesn't mean I wanna be with you or anything."

"Ith' that th'o? Becauth'e I'm pretty sure the kith' you juth't gave me th'ayth' otherwith'e."

"You fucking idiot," I muttered. "I'm not going to automatically want to fuck you because I'm half-gay. If I want a relationship with you, it's gonna be because I care about _you,_ not your gender."

He paused. _"Do_ you want a relationship with me?"

"Again with the difficult fucking questions," I growled.

"I'm ath'king for a yeth' or no anth'wer, KK, there'th' nothing difficult about it at all."

I sighed heavily. "Yeah, maybe. I don't know. I'm not gonna pressure you into thinking that you have to or whatever, and I'll still be just your friend if you're okay with... this. Like, okay with me being... how I am."

"I never th'aid I thought I had to, dumbath'. That doeth'n't mean I'm not open to it." My heart did a backflip inside my chest before beginning to beat at my ribs like a starving gorilla trying to knock down bananas from a tree. _Did he just say he's okay with getting into a relationship with me? Holy shitting motherfuck I'm gonna have a heart attack._

"You... wait... _what?"_

"You _do_ want to be with me, don't you? That _ith'_ what you juth't confirmed. You alth'o th'aid that you don't want to pressure me into anything. But if I'm offering, that'th' not really you pressuring me, ith' it? Th'o... I'll ath'k again." _I lied,_ I realized. He paused, turned slightly on the bed to face me. _I'm not going to have a heart attack._ Slowly and quietly, he asked, "Karkat, will you be my boyfriend?" _I'm gonna have a fucking aneurysm._

I think that, even if I could have talked right then, I wouldn't even have been able to think of anything to say. I settled for a nod, tugged my knees to my chest, and muttered some unintelligible gibberish before clearing my throat and trying again. "C-Can I sleep here tonight? I think my knees are shaking too much for me to even stand, let alone climb to the top bunk." He chuckled and stood up to snatch my pillow off the upper bed.

"Sure." Tossing it next to his, he teased, "Need me to get you changed, too, or can you manage that yourth'elf?" I sneered at him and tried to stand up for a total of three seconds before giving up and simply crawling over to the dresser. I tried not to wonder if he was watching me as I undressed and put on my pajamas same as I did every night since he'd first seen my scars. Then I crawled back to his bed and climbed in next to him, somewhere I hadn't expected to be but accepted when he'd pulled back the blanket. I rolled onto my right side and faced into the room because my rib no longer hurt and I was so fucking sick of sleeping on my left side, and it wasn't long until I felt Sollux's long arm sneak around my waist and hold me close against him. _This is way too good to be happening. There is absolutely no fucking way this is happening,_ I decided, waiting for reality to kick back in. I realized it wasn't going to when my new boyfriend's warm breath ruffled the hair near my ear.

"Happy birthday, KK."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Review, my loves! Go forth and share your SolKat feels~ ^o^


	10. Cuddles Are Now A Thing That's Happening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Alright, I have suddenly uploaded [another story](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9502715/1/When-Good-Intentions-Go-Awry) (or at least the first chapter of it) to fanfiction.net, and you all should go read it and at least give me your feedback on the first chapter. I'm not expecting you to want to stick with it necessarily, but whatever, I just wanna know if I should continue or not. Short note because meh. Who even reads these, anyway?
> 
> And seriously, tell me these two are not the cutest babies ever. Asdfjkl. For the record, very little plot headway was made. Mostly, this chapter was just fluff.
> 
> LSU is Louisiana State University, in case you didn't know and/or were too lazy to look it up.
> 
> Chapter Ten (holy shit, already? That was fast), enjoy! cx

I woke up facing Sollux. He'd slid down in the bed during the night and now his head was buried in the crook of my neck. I inhaled deeply, loving that I could now love the scent that rolled off him in waves; it was a combination of sweat and chlorine and some other thing that was so uniquely _Sollux,_ and I couldn't get enough. I lost track of how long I lay beside his sleeping form, his arms still wrapped around my waist and mine folded beneath my head. Eventually, he started shifting and I instantly shut my eyes and relaxed my body. He yawned quietly and let out a little hum of pleasure when he settled back into the bed. Readjusting his grip, he tugged me closer and muttered into my ear, "You don't think that after yearth' of th'leepovers, I'd be able to tell when you were ath'leep or not, do you?"

I let out a wry smile at his words, keeping my eyes closed. "You don't suppose that after years of being an asshole, you'd get sick of it, do you?"

His chest shuddered as he chuckled. "You really are shitty at pretending to th'leep, you know."

My eyes finally flashed open when he pressed a gentle kiss to the side of my head. Embers burned in my cheeks as I stammered out a reply. "I-I didn't want you t-to think I was weird for watching you sleep." My voice cracked when I said "weird."

"I know you're weird, KK. I don't really care, to be honeth't." His arms slid away from me as he stretched. Suddenly, the alarm blared across the room, awakening a lumberjack in my skull and causing Sollux to jump.

"Ugh," I groaned, slamming my face down in the pillow. "You have a morning class today. Why do you have morning classes? How is that not the most sickeningly horrendous concept on the face of the Earth? Oh sweet fucking shit, can you please go shut that off? It's giving me a headache."

He pulled the blanket away and clammored over me. "You are juth't _full_ of complaintth', aren't you? And another thing, that headache ith' more likely the reth'ult of a hangover than the alarm clock."

"Yeah, well, fuck off, 'kay? Either way, something is splitting my fucking brain in half and that loud-ass alarm is hardly an antidote." He snorted and the alarm shut off.

"I can't fucking wait for th'cool to end. I really don't feel much like going to clath' today, either."

"Rnnnng. Then don't," I replied, lifting my head slightly and keeping my eyes closed.

"Jeez, doeth' your head really hurt that bad? You only had one glath', heavily diluted at that."

"Not really," I managed through the fluff. "I had a bit after the movie, too. And that wasn't a small glass, don't kid yourself."

"You're th'uch an idiot, KK," he told me, his voice a lot closer now. I cracked open an eye at him, hating the dawn light that shone through the window, or more specifically, the throbbing frenzy it sent my head into. "Th'coot." I complied with his request and he soon crawled back under the covers with me. "How much ith 'a bit'?"

"More than was in the glass you gave me."

"Let me reiterate; KK, you are _th'uch_ an idiot."

"Shut up and let me sleep, douchedick." I groaned again and dove face-first into my pillow.

"Abth'olutely not. I'll get you th'ome Tylenol or th'omething, but you are not th'leeping all day."

"Do you wake up this early for pleasure, asshat?"

"It'th' a vague possibility," he said, kissing the side of my head again. "I'm gonna take a shower becauth'e I th'mell like pool and B.O. and it'th' not a pleasant th'mell." I was tempted to contradict him, but thought better of it. "If you're ath'leep when I get out, I'm gonna blow an airhorn in your ear."

"No! Fuck! Ow, shitting hell, don't do that, _please!"_

"Hmm, only 'cauth'e you ath'ked th'o nith'ely." And once again, I was alone in the bed.

"Do we even have an airhorn?" I yelled when the door slammed shut. He didn't answer.

I did doze for the next fifteen minutes or so, until the snooze effect on his alarm decided "fuck you" and sent the device screaming electronic obscenities throughout the house. I practically fell out of the bed and crawled to the dresser. Blatantly disregarding life, I ripped the cord from the wall and collapsed against the corner where wood met plaster, hating absolutely fucking everything. The water shut off in the bathroom and Sollux walked out of the bathroom seconds later, nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist.

"Sollux," I whined. He turned to look at me and raised an eyebrow in surprise.

"What are you doing?" he asked slowly. I held up the alarm clock's plug by way of an answer and he just laughed.

"That Tylenol is sounding pretty fucking good right now."

His eyes rolled. "I'll get you th'ome." He returned to the bathroom and called out, "You want one or two?" I couldn't muster more than a "yes," to which he replied, "Two it ith'."

My eyelids had fallen shut again by the time he came back out. He placed the pills in my outstretched hand and I muttered, "I won, Sollux. I fucking won. It was a vicious, bloody battle, but I won."

"What the fuck are you talking about?" he asked, sounding completely bewildered. I held up the power cord again and he burst into laughter, stepping around me and opening one of the drawers. My nose wrinkled at the sensation of the pills going down dry, and Sollux spoke after pulling his clothes out, "You know, I would have gotten you th'ome water if you'd juth't waited."

"Fuck that. Waiting isn't gonna make my head feel better." He sighed and kneeled beside me.

"You're too impatient, KK," he murmured, cupping my jaw in his hands and tentatively placing a gentle kiss on my lips. I sighed happily and didn't try to stop the smile on my face.

"I'm sick of being patient. I waited seven years for you." _Shit._ I'd meant to say "that," not "you." I'd meant to say "that" because I was talking about the kiss, not him. But it came out anyway because, honestly, I _had_ been talking about him, and now that fact was just _out_ there. Instead of a verbal answer, he kissed me again and walked back out of the room. Twenty minutes later, my headache was all but gone and Sollux was curled up next to me in his sweats, having decided against going to class altogether. "Can you even do that?" I asked, hoping he wasn't failing a class on my behalf.

"Eh. Finalth' were last week, and tomorrow ith' the lath't day, th'o I don't th'ee why not. Beth'ideth', I'd rather th'tay home with you," he added, nuzzling his face into my neck. I flushed bright red and he grinned at me for a minute.

Words came tumbling out of my mouth before I could stop them. "I feel like I botched our first kiss," I admitted. _God almighty, that still sounds surreal as all fuck._ "It was spur of the moment in completely the wrong way and we were both a bit tipsy, me admittedly quite a bit more than you, and I was terrified in a way that you shouldn't be when you kiss someone and—"

"Do you want to try again?" he interrupted.

"—it was really such a last-ditch effort and — wait, what? Try again...?"

"Th'inth'e you 'meth'ed up' the firth't one th'o bad. You wanna try again, and get it right thith' time?" Sollux's soft murmur sent a shiver down my spine as he moved his face a bit closer to mine. Once again out of words, I settled for a nod. His parted lips met mine and all the fireworks I hadn't really been expecting exploded around my head. Fingers curled at the hem of my shirt and my heart threatened to beat out of my chest even after he'd pulled away.

"Oh. So that's what it's supposed to feel like," I whispered. Sollux's raspy laugh met my ears as our mouths collided again. Immediately our tongues were wrestling like they'd done the night before and _oh, god, when did I get on top of him?_ Warm, minty breath tore at the few remaining shreds of my sanity and the fingers that had been teasing the hemline of my shirt just seconds ago were now tracing circles in my lower back, skin against skin, and _okay, no, that was definitely not a thing I was okay with._ Just as suddenly as he'd started, he stopped, his hands frozen in place and his head pressing into the pillow enough that we separated.

He gazed up at me for a moment. "Let me know if I'm doing th'omething you're not comfortable with, okay?"

 _Again with the cute pronunciations,_ I thought. _'Come-fert-ah-bull.' Four full syllables._ Then I mulled over his words and whispered back, "You're doing something I'm not comfortable with." The word "comfortable" came out "comph-ter-bull" on my voice. Instantly, his hands were back on the outside of my shirt and he turned his head like he was looking away, although his eyes were still glued to mine.

"Th'orry."

"It's okay." His arms crossed higher up on my back.

"Not really. I don't want to do anything you aren't comfortable with." I kissed the tip of his nose.

"You're really cute when you say that, you know." _No. That absolutely did not just come out of my mouth._

His brow furrowed in confusion. "Th'ay what?"

"'Come-fert-ah-bull.' 'Bithe-ih-nith,' too." _I am really not telling him this right now._

"What?"

"I don't know." I kissed him again. "Things." I burrowed my face into his collarbone before I could say some other stupid thing, but of course that didn't work and I had to add, "You taste good. It's really nice to finally be able to kiss you, too." Now my cheeks were no doubt a bright flaming red which I was more than thankful he couldn't see.

"You know what elth'e is really nith'e?" he murmured softly, one of his hands coming up to stroke my hair.

"Hmm what?"

"Your fath'e. Speth'ifically your lipth'. And your eyeth'. And your noth'e. Alth'o your hair. Mmm, and your voith'e. Can't forget that blush you get when you th'ay th'omething you didn't mean to. Or the way you cringe after it cometh' out of your mouth, like you're th'cared of how I'll react. There are a lot of nith'e thingth' about you, KK." His baseless admiration of my appearance and mannerisms was doing absolutely nothing as far as taking the blush off my cheeks went. It only got worse as he went on. "A lot of thingth' I like. Like how you can alwayth' manage to make me laugh, even when I'm in one of my mood th'wingth'. Or the ridiculouth' th'wearth' you come up with and th'ay like they're the moth't th'eriouth' shit on the planet. Or how you act like a th'elf-th'entered prick when you really couldn't care leth' about yourth'elf, and inth'tead you want the people around you to be happy. Or how you pretend th'ertain thingth' don't affect you and really they cut th'traight to your core. And your th'illy love for shitty romcomth', th'ome of which, _very few,_ actually aren't ath' bad ath' I th'ay they are. And they way you mouth the lineth' of th'ertain th'eneth' in th'peth'ific movieth' becauth'e you've juth't th'een them that many timeth'. I give you a lot of shit for thoth'e thingth', but I really like them, honeth'tly. You wouldn't be you without them."

An embarrassed groan escaped me. "Stop it. Those aren't good things, you dumbass."

"Yeth', they are." Rather than dignifying his statement with a verbal response, I pressed a gentle kiss to the base of his neck. He shuddered lightly and I made a small noise of surprise, kissing the same spot again and eliciting the same reaction. I smirked to myself and kissed higher up on his neck. My actions were rewarded with more ragged exhales I could tell he was making a huge effort to control and a much more erratic hand slipping fingers through my hair. I kissed the soft skin once more and he gasped. "Here, KK, why don't we, um, movummmnnnnggf." His words were cut off when I sank my teeth gently into his neck. More out of curiosity than anything, I ground my hips into his and was almost instantly met with a buck in return. Gently placing a kiss over the shallow bite mark, I chuckled to myself and pushed myself up so that I was basically sitting on his stomach.

Smiling as innocently as I could down at him, I said, "Wanna play a video game?" He lay panting softly for a moment before propping himself up on his elbows.

Face hardly an inch from mine, he growled, "I have no intention of playing any video gameth' today." Then he kissed me again. And again. Over and over until I was straddling his hips again and my chest was pressed down and keeping his pinned. Long, gangly arms wrapped around my neck as he pulled me closer, still determined to memorize the inside of my mouth. I wrestled his tongue just as roughly, sucking and softly biting and 200% determined to win. An idea came to mind and I pulled back only as much as I needed to in order to move my lips to his jawline. Slow, sweet kisses trailed along the edge of it while I held his cheek in one hand, tangling my other in his hair to tilt his head back. I made short work of reintroducing my lips to his now-exposed neck and he let out a low whine in return. The whine tapered off into a violent gasp and a high whimper as my teeth came out to play.

Trying not to think too much about my actions so I wouldn't pussy out, I licked from the base of his neck to just underneath his ear, murmuring when my lips brushed it, _"That_ was a cute little noise." He groaned in reply and I ground my hips down again, quick to be rewarded with yet another, albeit higher whine as he pressed up into me. "You know, I think I'm slightly more okay with having your hands on me now." He didn't hesitate to slide my shirt up to my ribs, his hands holding my waist and the tips of his fingers digging into me. I resumed attending to his neck and his hands splayed out across my back when as soon as my lips made contact. After a few minutes of that, me kissing and suckling on his neck and his fingers alternately clenching and relaxing on my back, I moved my head up and kissed him on the lips. He took the slight reprieve to skim his fingers over my spine. Eventually, they caught on one of my many scars and his eyes flashed open.

"Mmm. You have really pretty eyes." _Maybe it would be better if I just sewed my fucking mouth shut._

He looked into mine with his. "Th'o do you." As he stretched up, we kissed again and he whispered against my lips, "I wanna learn you, KK." My cheeks burned all over again and a small shiver ran down my spine. I could feel him smile as he glided his hands lightly over my skin, letting his fingers hook on my every scar and each uneven stretch of skin on my body that they could. "Who would do thith' to you?" I let out a strangled whine. "Who could ever hurt you?" Another barely-there kiss. "Who would hurt th'omeone as th'weet ath' you, th'omeone who careth' th'o much?" He bit my lower lip so softly. "How could anybody do th'omething th'o horrible to you?"

His words seemed so innocent, just like sweet nothings, but they meant everything to me. I debated for a good minute about whether or not to explain things with Trevor to him. I wanted to. If anyone deserved to know, it was him. But I was so, so scared to, and I'd never admit that. All throughout my internal argument, he was kissing me sweetly and tracing my scars with his fingers and murmuring things like that into my mouth, and as much as I hated to end our first makeout, I knew I had to tell him. "Nnnng, Sollux...?" I whispered, pulling away slightly. He looked up at me.

"Yeth', KK?" His undivided attention wasn't something I was particularly used to, so it took me a moment longer than I would have liked to muster up the courage to say what I had to.

"I think, probably, it's about damn time you got some answers."

"Anth'werth'?"

I nodded and disentangled myself from him, straightening my shirt as I lied down beside him on the bed. "Explanations, moreover." He turned towards me, confusion clouding his eyes, and I began, clearing my throat a little. "About the guys who attack me... or, used to, anyway. They're kind of an unofficial gang, I think. And their 'leader' of sorts is a guy named Trevor." I paused, wondering how best to continue.

Sollux looked thoughtful. "Didn't you have a friend named Trevor th'enior year?" he asked quietly, bringing his hand up to my face and running his thumb back and forth over my cheekbone.

"I... um... I-I don't think 'friend' is the right word for him. Or, was. I mean, in high school, yeah, but after...."

"Oh."

"Um... yeah." I swallowed thickly. "We kept in touch after high school. When he dropped out of LSU because he didn't have the grades to back his sports scholarship, he came back here and asked to move in with me, but he didn't know that we were roommates already and I didn't want to invite a third roommate into our house without asking you, which, honestly, was not a conversation I wanted to have, so I just told him I'd asked you and you said no. He moved in with one of his other friends up here anyway, and we still talked, just now in person again. And then two years ago in September, the twenty-nineth to be exact, he came out to me as gay. He seemed really afraid of even just saying it, so I tried to calm him down by telling him my sexuality. He turned it around and suggested we got together, and I... said yes, so, we got together. Things were okay for a few months, we didn't say anything to anybody, just waiting to see if the thing between us would work out. But there was always something kind of... off about him. He was always looking around the corner, always watching everything around him, really only talking to me when we were alone. He didn't even text me. Really, I think he was just scared. He'd told me his dad was a big homophobe and he didn't know what would happen if his old man found out he had a boyfriend. He told me he was just being cautious. But it always seemed like the wrong kind of caution.

"About a week before Memorial Day last year, he asked me what my plans were for the holiday and got upset when I told him I was gonna have a picnic with you and Nep and my parents. He wanted me to stay with him. He and I both said... some things and then it escalated into this big huge fight and he just. Hit me. That was the start of it. We never really officially broke up, but we didn't talk at all after that and from then on, the guy he'd been living with and a bunch of his other friends created that shitty gang kind of thing that they have now and he'd send them out to tail me after work. I'm not entirely sure why he had them do it, but I think it has something to do with him hating me for my selfishness and choosing my family over him, or maybe he was afraid I would tell people about him being gay. Whatever the reason, it came to be a regular thing. It was him you punched a few weeks ago. That was actually the first time he himself had hit me since this whole thing started. Or... second, I guess. That also was probably the worst attack. You don't know how many times I had to clean myself up in the park bathroom before coming home. Which is probably why you couldn't ever pick me up from work, too, because I would always cut through yards and try to stay off the main roads after the attacks to get to the park. I used to carry cover-up in my pocket, just in case, and let me tell you, the look the cashiers gave me when I bought the shit, oh my god."

I risked a glance at him when I'd finished. His eyes were wide and his hand had long-since frozen on my cheek. I was afraid for a minute that I'd told him too much and it would change everything, too much, nothing, all at the same time. Then his arms were around me again and holding me closer and he was placing kiss after kiss on my cheek, my nose, my lips, jaw, forehead, anywhere he could. "That'th' why, then." The soft whisper met my ears and he kissed my lips again, and again, and again. I simply lay there stunned, completely in shock; pleased shock at that from all the attention I was receiving, but shock all the same. "I promith'e, KK, I won't let him hurt you again. I'll keep you th'afe from now on, okay?" Any other time, I would have gotten angry at him for being made to sound helpless, but now I just nodded as he kissed me again.

"Alth'o, I'm really pith'ed at you."

"What?" My smile slowly fading out of fear.

"You dated th'omeone for eight monthth'." Had I not been so worried, I would have laughed at his attempt at the word "months." Really, he just elongated the "th" sound. "You kept that a th'ecret. And you know, KK," he added, both his tone and his smile reinstilling hope in me, "beth't friendth' don't keep th'ecretth' from each other."

"I know," I whispered, looking away from his chilling dual-tone eyes. "I'm sorry."

"But hey, we're okay now, aren't we?" A soft kiss brought my eyes back to his. "Th'o I gueth' it'th' not really a big deal."

"I-I was just so scared to tell you because—" _So much for never admitting to it._ "—I was afraid you-you'd look at me differently for dating someone who didn't really seem to care even though I think he really did and he's just terrified, but I didn't want you to be afraid of me o-or...." My broken voice faltered and I felt stinging tears in the back of my eyes. _Well, shit. Now I'm a complete pussy. I should just go get my award from the Trophies For the Shittiest People on Earth factory. And on top of it, I think I'm about to cry. What in the sweet almighty taintchaffing fuck is wrong with me?_

"KK, shh. It wath'n't your fault. If I ever th'ee Trevor again, I think I'm gonna punch him juth't for being a shitty pieth'e of shit." At that, both a chuckle and a tear left me. Sollux laughed with me and kissed the tear away, holding me close. "Like I th'aid, KK; I'll protect you from now on, and that includeth' from th'tupid, shitty ath'holeth' like him." Rather than replying and risking a _real_ onslaught of sobs, I buried my face in his neck and let him hold me, trying (failing) to keep the occasional tear from soaking the front of his shirt. The only thing drifting through my mind was the warm, soapy scent of Sollux as I faded into sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love the fluff. I'mma die from feels, guys.
> 
> Review, please~


	11. So Many Days Of Independence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Chapter eleven, So Many Days Of Independence, or the Alternian title, In Which Sollux Is A Complete And Total Badass In Every Way And Karkat Is Afraid For Everything He's Worked For Years To Get; Sollux Has A Low Mood Swing And Karkat Talks Him Up And Him And Sollux Have A Bitch-Off And More Fluff Happens. This took a while because I'd written the first fucking paragraph on my laptop and had no way of getting to it for a few days because I was at my parents' house and it was at my grandma's and I couldn't just rewrite it because I really liked the way I wrote it and I couldn't fully remember it, I just knew I wanted to keep it as is, and I wrote most of this on my older sister's computer, which is running Windows 8 AND CAN I JUST SAY _HOW CONFUSING WINDOWS 8 IS?!_ That is all.
> 
> Those "just"s are reminding me that I really seem to have an issue with that word. I use it way too often. I try to take it out or replace it with something else, but it simply doesn't sound the same. "...it just doesn't sound the same." See? Ugh. #LifeProblems
> 
> Chapter Eleven, god I need to shut up. Enjoy and review, please! ^-^

School was out, I was injuryless, and it had been three whole weeks since Sollux and I became boyfriends — and even now I was having trouble believing it. I wouldn't have thought it of him, but he was a very affectionate lover; always showering me with praise and kisses and compliments, always wanting to be in contact with me, hands or arms or legs brushing when we sat side by side. It made me feel very desired, and it also made me wonder exactly what he'd felt for me before. Not that I really cared. Just knowing that I could now walk into the room and kiss him, or lean against him when I sat down, or curl up beside him at night — we'd been sleeping in the same bed since the first night, and I didn't have any trouble falling asleep when he was by my side — that was plenty enough for me. Now it was Fourth of July and we hadn't done anything except cuddle on the couch all day. Later there was gonna be a fireworks show at the park that we were planning to go to. We weren't meeting anybody there. It was just an _us_ day.

The park was crowded, which wasn't to say I'd been expecting anything else. There was every type of person from the rare elderly couple that could still stand the _boom_ of fireworks seated on a bench to huge families with at least four kids setting up picnic blankets complete with generic wicker basket. Sollux and I were far from the first to arrive, and it was already dark by the time we did, so most of the open spots along the main path were taken.

"Let's walk a bit," I suggested. "Find some place to watch from where the view isn't more obstructed than _oh, fuck, shit, shit, fuck, nope, no, nuh-uh, oh fuck no."_ The comparison I was making was completely forgotten and I nearly tripped trying to get behind Sollux.

"KK, what the shit wath' that?" My heart was pounding long after Trevor disappeared behind a bush. "Th'eriouth'ly, you look like you juth't th'aw a ghoth't." He leaned in and muttered teasingly, "You didn't, did you?"

I shook my head, eyes wide. "Worse. Trevor." Sollux's brow took on a much more serious set.

"Hold on. You mean ath' in the ath'hole who—"

"Yes, I mean as in the-asshole-who, shh!" I said hurriedly. Yes, Trevor. My ex-abusive-boyfriend for which the "ex" only applied to one of the terms.

Sollux followed my gaze. "Where ith' he? I've got a couple of thingth' I'd like to th'ay to him." His cold tone was menacing and merciless. It scared even me.

"Sollux, please don't start anything tonight, okay? I let you get involved in this once before, I'm not going to let you do it again."

"I've been as involved as I could be from the th'tart, even more now. Where ith' he?" he repeated, taking a step toward where I was looking. I reached out and grabbed his arm, trying to yank him back.

"Dammit, Sollux, fuckin' _don't._ I don't want him to—"

"He ith'n't gonna do shit. KK. Lith'ten, 'cauth'e I'm not gonna th'ay thith' again. You're mine. He hurt you. Anyone who toucheth' what'th' mine ith' gonna have hell to pay onth'e I catch wind of it. Got it? Th'o tell me where he went. He hath'n't yet paid hith' dueth'." I wasn't sure what possessed me to point towards the bush, but I regretted it almost immediately. Chasing after him, I pulled on his arm and did the only logical thing that came to mind; beg.

"No, wait, Sollux, don't, please, come on, don't, Sollux!" I clapped my hand over my mouth after practically shouting his name and attracting the attention of a blond jock receiving a worn leather jacket from his father. I tugged Sollux as hard as I could to the right, behind the bush, and swore furiously. "Goddammit this was a really fucking bad idea, why did you drag me over here, now I think he knows I'm here, shit, fucking dicks, and his dad is over there, too, oh balls, this is bad, this is really fucking _nowaitwhereareyougoing?!"_ I hissed violently as my current boyfriend stood and walked away from the visual safety of the bush. He shrugged and kept walking towards my ex-boyfriend.

"Hey. You're Trevor, right?" I froze in place. _Sollux, you fucking idiot, I'm gonna kill you._

"Huh? Oh, yeah. And you have some funky name, uh... Castor, isn't it?"

"Cloth'e. Th'ollukth' Captor, in the flesh. Anyway, I'm glad I caught you. I've been thinking about the offer you made me couple monthth' back and I think I've changed my mind. Doeth' that th'till th'tand?" I couldn't believe my ears. _No way. No fucking way. Sollux isn't asking to join their gang, is he? He wouldn't do that to me. Right? Oh, fuck._

Trevor chuckled. "Can you still throw a deadly right hook?" I peeked my head out from around the bush in an attempt to read Sollux's expression, in an attempt to find some reassurance that he wouldn't hurt me like that, but his poker face was better than usual in the dark.

"Sure, but... that'th' not the only deadly thing I can deliver." His tone, on the other hand, found no hampering in the darkness, and I most definitely recognized a pickup line when I heard one. _Oh, god, no, this is worse, this is so much worse, don't let this be happening. He knows I'm right fucking here and everything, what the fuck is he trying to pull?_

"Oh?" He sounded intrigued, to say the least.

There's a popular saying that actions speak louder than words. It's a statement I'm rather inclined to agree with. Sollux didn't need to say a word. His actions spoke for him, their message as clear as the night sky when he reached out to grab Trevor's face. He screamed at me without ever opening his mouth as another hand snaked around my ex's waist. Trevor's suddenly lusty eyes cut through the darkness as he leaned into Sollux's embrace, and shot violent whispers dripping with blood through my ears. The movements were so fluid and quick, they happened over the span of forever and the same instant all at one, and then just like that, the world fell into deafening silence as Sollux closed the gap.

A firework I never saw crashed in the sky with a much quieter explosion than the warning shots going off in my mind. Rather, it illuminated and silhouetted the image of my boyfriend and my ex-boyfriend sharing a long, languid kiss against the backdrop of a lake shimmering with moonlight. I couldn't look away. I couldn't move. I couldn't _breathe._ I couldn't feel anything, just watched passively as my heart was torn from my chest and shredded before my eyes.

Before the light of the firework had faded from the park, Sollux moved his head away from Trevor's. "Th'ee what you're mith'ing without me?" he asked, louder than I really thought was necessary for his target audience; namely, the man he'd just kissed in full view of his boyfriend. A few heads from his family turned toward them as Trevor nodded numbly and leaned in for another. Sollux pressed a hand to his chest and stopped him. "What are you doing? I'm not going to kith' you. We're in public."

"But you just—" he began, confusion casting a shadow over his features. A sudden look of complete horror overtook it and he whipped around to meet the gaze of his father, a tall, well-built man who was currently staring disgustedly at his son. "Oh, no. No, no, no." Realization clicked in my brain and Trevor and I widened our eyes simultaneously. _He... Sollux just... he just revealed Trevor's sexuality. To his father._ The blond wheeled back around and glared at my boyfriend like he wanted nothing more than to rip his throat out.

"That was intentional, you _dick._ Who fucking told you? It was Vantas, wasn't it, I'm going to kill that fucker—"

Sollux cleared his throat to get Trevor's attention. Leaning down the smallest bit so that his face was just an inch away from Trevor's, he said, loud enough for me to hear, "No, and let'th' get th'omething th'traight, shall we? If you _ever_ th'o much ath' lay a finger on Karkat again, I perth'onally will have you arreth'ted for multiple accountth' of battery. I know for a fact he'th' got the th'carth' to prove it, th'o you could be fath'ing jail for life. I wouldn't rith'k it, if I wath' you. Oh, and by the way..."

He trailed off and straightened up before taking the liberty of introducing Trevor's aghast expression to his fist for the second time, a blow that left the shorter man staggering back. He tripped over his feet and spun mid-air just in time to taste the dirt. With that, Sollux nodded at the blond's father and turned to leave the clearing. I watched long enough to see the man haul his son's ass off the ground by the collar and drag him away in a different direction before leaning back and making sure Sollux couldn't see me hidden behind the bush. He turned towards where I was when he passed, but before he could say anything, I kissed him hard and and grabbed his wrist.

"Whoa, shi— oof!" I cut off his exclamation by pulling him to the ground with me. He slammed heavily onto the grass. "Fuck, KK, what the hell?!" Instead of answering, I pinned his wrists to the grass and crushed our lips together, long and deep and sweet. "KK, what—?" I shooshed him softly.

"You, Sollux Captor, are the biggest asshole I've ever met." I kissed him again. "How fucking dare you," I managed between kisses, "share your wonderful lips... with _that_ abusive fuckass... on my behalf? ...How fucking dare you... find a fucking _way..._ to pull that off?" The effort of keeping my tone steady left me panting by the time I'd finished. I held myself up over him, our breath mingling in the night air.

"Shit, dude, what the fuck are you even talking about?"

"You are the worst person I've ever had the misfortune of caring about so much, what the fuck is wrong with you, why the hell would you do that to me? What did I do so wrong or amazing that made someone like you want to have anything to do with me?"

"Alright, KK, I can't tell if you're upth'et or pleath'ed with me—"

"Yes."

"What?"

I kissed him again and whispered, my voice almost completely drowned out by the explosions in the sky — the fireworks show was in full-swing now, and they just kept coming — "Yes, I fucking am. Thank you. Thank you so much."

Sollux looked beyond baffled until the light of realization dawned in his eyes. "You're welcome, I think. And alth'o, you need to know that I didn't mean any of what I th'aid. I would never be a part of th'omething that hurt you th'o badly." I moved to the side and lay down in the crook of his arm, watching the fireworks as he continued to explain, his voice starting to get frantic. "And I juth't hit on him th'o that he'd try to kith' me. And when I asked him what he wath' mith'ing, I wath' trying to get hith' dad'th' attention. And I th'aid I wouldn't kith' him in public th'o that hith' dad would think he wath' coming onto me, not the other way around. And—"

"I get it. I know."

"Okay." He paused and watched the sky with me. "I did mean what I th'aid afterward, though. If he toucheth' you again, I'm not gonna heth'itate to call the copth'."

"I know. I really appreciate it," I murmured, giving him a kiss on the cheek as another rocket burst in the air.

"You deth'erve better than him, KK. No one deth'erveth' abuth'e, you leth' than anybody."

"I _have_ better than him, in case you haven't noticed," I told him, smiling. _"You,_ on the other hand, I hardly deserve."

"You're right," he agreed. "You deth'erve th'o much better than me, too." _Uh, oh. I know that tone._

"Sollux," I warned.

"Better than th'ome twenty-one year old shitty coder with bipolar who should have th'tarted college three yearth' ago and couldn't becauth'e of it, becauth'e life dealt him a shitty hand and he now hath' to go through trying to cope with it."

"Sollux," I repeated, louder.

"Better than thith' th'kinny-ath' fuck who can't get a damn lith'p he'th' had th'inth'e birth under control no matter how much th'peech therapy he goeth' through, a shitty damn lith'p that he'th' been teath'ed for for juth't ath' long ath' he'th' been going to th'chool for."

"Sollux!"

"Better than a mutated freak with different colored eyeth' who can't do anything right no matter how fucking hard he trieth'. Better than a guy who'th' made every mith'take in hith' life by taking rith'kth' he can't hope will have any poth'ibility of panning out becauth'e _he'th'_ the one taking them and thingth' _never_ work out for himmphf—" The last word of his sentence was smothered by my lips crushing against his.

"Stop it," I begged quietly, my voice cracking under the weight of my unshed tears. "Stop it, please, Sollux, don't do this to yourself. I can't bear to hear it when you get like this. It just makes my heart feel like it's being stabbed and... shit, that was a really bad explanation, but you get the point. I can't take hearing you beat yourself up like that." I hated my weakness and I loathed the tears that fell from my eyes as I said this all to him, but I let them fall because I wanted him to know how much it hurt to see him like this. He hadn't gotten this bad in a while, but then again, he'd been taking his medication pretty steadily for a while, too. I think he'd missed them tonight.

He sighed heavily and closed his eyes. I sniffled in spite of myself and he immediately looked at me. "Oh, shit, KK, I'm th'orry," he murmured hollowly, brushing away the tears on my cheek with one hand. _I don't fucking believe it,_ I thought darkly, _I've been driven to tears twice in the past month, and both times in front of Sollux._ "Really, KK, I'm th'o th'orry, I wath'n't thinking and now... and now... shit. Now I've fucked up again."

I shook my head vigorously, bringing my hand up to rest it over his on my cheek. "No, Sollux, don't. You didn't, I just. I worry about you sometimes is all. A lot, actually. There were some nights back in high school when I'd go to bed not knowing if I'd see you the next day or not because you'd offed yourself over some petty bullshit your fucked-up mind turned into a huge deal. I never slept much those nights."

He looked at me, stunned. "I... didn't know that. Th'o I gueth' when I got pith'ed at you for th'taying up whenever you had teth'tth' or anything..."

"Yeah."

"God, I am th'uch a huge prick."

"Shh, no you're not. You didn't know."

"Yeth', don't argue."

"I'm gonna argue, fuckass. I'm gonna argue until you believe me," I murmured. The fireworks were dying down now.

"I do believe you, KK. I juth't dith'agree."

"Sollux..."

"Shh." With that, he pressed a kiss to my lips and held me closer. The grass was cool through the fabric of my shirt and scratchy through the same material. Sollux was warm and comfortable and his grip around me was gentle and just as warm as the rest of him. Every kiss he placed on me left the skin tingling from his heat. Scarcely minutes later, the fireworks show had ended.

I watched as Sollux stood up and looked around the bush. "There'th' nobody there. I gueth' Trevor'th' family left when they dith'covered hith' little th'ecret. That meanth' we're free to go, unleth'... you'd like to... go for a walk, or th'omething...?"

I nearly choked when I heard myself giggle. Hoping he wouldn't comment on it, I said, "That sounds nice."

He chuckled and threw an arm around my shoulders as we took off down the path. "Let'th' go, then. By the way, that wath' a cute little giggle, KK."

"Shut the fuck up, don't you ever bring that up again."

"You're th'o cute."

"Which part did you miss, the shut the fuck up or the never fucking bring this up again, you piece of shit?"

"That lath't part that you added now."

I shrugged at him, half snarling, half smirking at him. "I might have paraphrased a bit. Just a little," I added, holding up two fingers pinched together. He hugged me tighter and kissed the side of my head.

"Well, I gueth' I mith'ed both partth', th'o you'll juth't have to keep reminding me how cute you are." I said nothing as we walked past the trees. The lake shone as the moonlight hit it and Sollux's eyes gleamed at me. It gave him a very dark, mysterious look that I really lo— liked. That I really liked.

"You're really handsome, Sollux." _Shit. Can that stop happening, please, you know, that thing where I get a big 'fuck you' from the universe in the form of my fucking mouth?_

"You're really cute, KK," he returned.

"Gee, thanks, that makes me feel so good, knowing that I'm fucking adorable."

"Nah. I'd th'ay you're more bloodthirth'ty than adorable," he joked.

"Adorabloodthirsty?" I offered.

"Abth'o-fucking-lutely." As soon as we got to the edge of the lake, I sat down in the scant grass, watching as the water rippled softly at the muddy shore. Sollux took a seat beside me and I leaned my head on his shoulder, picking up pebbles from the path and tossing them towards the moon's reflection. He stopped me at one point and grabbed a rock of his own, counting to three and throwing it at the same time I threw mine. The gesture was sweet and extremely romantic and I just wanted to kiss the shit out of him. Rather than pinning him to the ground again now, I decided to wait at least until we got home. Then we'd get at the very least the privacy to do whatever we wanted, should it escalate far enough.

Eventually, Sollux slipped his hand into mine. It seemed like such an innocent gesture, so innocuous an action — such a little thing that did so fucking much. Oh, what's that, heart? You wanna go see what's at the bottom of the lake? Okay, but you have to beat out of my chest, first. Hey, hey, brain, you wanna sit down for a second and have _one_ solid, normal thought? You can pick through the chaos until you find one you like, if you want. No? Okay, carry on, then. Hi, sweat glands, how you doing? You wanna relax for a little bit, keep all that sweat to yourself? Oh, I guess not. Have fun, then!

"Th'omething wrong, KK?" He looked at me curiously, squeezing my hand. I shook my head before resting on his shoulder again, hoping that if I hid my face in his shirt, he wouldn't see me blush in the moonlight.

"N-No, I wasn't really expecting that is all and I... um."

"You're th'uch a hopeleth' fucking romantic, you idiot." He kissed me softly to lighten the sting of his insult.

I muttered under my breath, "Prick."

He returned immediately, "Douche."

"Fuckass."

"Ath'wipe."

"Shitsponge."

"Bath'tard."

"Bitch."

"Dumbath'."

"Dick."

"Cockth'ucker."

"Not yet," I shot back with a sly wink. He didn't reply, and I grinned at him. "Pussy."

"Fuckfath'e," he grumbled, looking away.

"Once again, Sollux," I said, raising my hand to his cheek and turning his face towards me. Pressing our foreheads together, I finished, "Not yet." His face caught fire and he jerked away. I just laughed, rolling onto my back while he stood up.

"I think it'th' about time we got home, don't you?" he stated, speaking way too quickly for that to be his only reason.

"You're just afraid to see if I'll make good on those offers, aren't you?" He refused to look at me, so I hugged him from behind and stretched onto my tip-toes to whisper in his ear, "You know, we don't have to be at home for it. I'm perfectly okay with the lakesid—"

_"No,_ no, abth'olutely not, a thouth'and timeth' no. It'th' not _your_ cock people could walk out and th'ee." I trailed my fingers over the waistline of his jeans, pouting.

"Aww... I'm sure you don't have anything to be embarrassed about. Besides, I think I could manage taking _all_ of you—"

_"KK!"_

"—so it's not like they would see anything, anyway."

"Alright, shut up, we're going home, right now."

"What? Are you afraid you'll give in?" I taunted him.

He suddenly grabbed my wrist and pulled me towards one of the trees, slamming me back against it before leaning in close and whispering, "Yeth'." I didn't have anything to say to that, so I said nothing as he gave me one short, rough kiss before taking my hand and pulling me down the path after him. I still couldn't think of anything to say, so I let my mind wander and fantasize about his answer to my previous question. What if he hadn't pulled me away? What if he'd simply agreed? Where would we be now?

Hand-in-hand, we walked home silently through the darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Review please~!


	12. Something Else To Make The Shower Steamy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Some of you actually think I have anything better to do in my spare time than write. Seriously. I don't. Just saying. XD Regardless, not the first smut I've written (oh yeah, NSFW warning for this chapter, too), so it shouldn't be _too_ bad, but you know. If this isn't enough to satisfy you, there _will_ be more within the next few chapters, so calm your little butts down and just reread this until they come out.
> 
> Me and my shitty horrible chapter titles. Do you guys look at those? Are they the worst or what?
> 
> Oh, and for convenient reference, Karkat is just a _little_ bit shorter than Sollux in... _that_ department. His minor inequity is made up for by his slightly thicker girth. ;)
> 
> Chapter Twelve, lovethesmut. cx Enjoy!

When we walked through the front door, I wasted no time in slamming him against it and crushing my lips into his. He let out a surprised grunt and I kissed him harder, holding his hips as I drove my tongue into his mouth. When I pulled away, licking my lips, he blinked at me with wide eyes. "KK...?"

"I think you deserve a reward for pulling off such an amazing stunt tonight. Or maybe a punishment for scaring the shit out of me. How does both sound to you?" He blinked again. "Fine, then. Say or don't say whatever the hell you want. I'm going to take a shower. Feel free to join me," I added with a wink, letting my hand drop to his ass and giving it a light pat before walking away. Looking back to see his reaction would have seemed presumptuous. I just hoped it was a good one.

Five minutes later, I stepped into a hot shower, steam already billowing around me in clouds. I'd just put shampoo and conditioner in my hair — I used them both at the same time to keep my showers short — when the door opened. "KK?" He sounded tense.

"M'yes, Sollux?" I replied, letting the hot water cascade over me.

"You—" The terse word came out high and cracked. He cleared his throat before speaking again. "You're really okay with thith', right?" The end of the curtain crinkled a little, causing me to jump, but it didn't move yet.

"More than okay. Are _you_ okay with this?"

"Yeah, sure." There was far too much uncertainty in his voice than I was okay with. The shower curtain rustled again, but I reached out and pinned it to the tiled wall.

"That wasn't a good enough answer. You know, Sollux, the same goes for you as you told me a couple weeks ago; I'm not about to do anything you're not comfortable with. So either you're two-hundred percent willing to do this or it's not happening." I released the curtain when I felt the message sunk in.

"I don't know, KK, yeth', I'm willing to do... _thith',_ whatever the fuck _thith'_ ith' about to be, but I'm... fuck. I'm nervouth' ith' all."

"Shit's gonna be awkward, dude. Let me know if things get too weird for you and I'll back off, okay?" Without answering, he pulled the curtain back a bit and moved in behind me. Making a conscious effort not to look down, I leaned towards him and pecked him on the lips. His arms instantly slid around my shoulders and he deepened the kiss before I had a chance to pull away.

"I think you are th'eriouth'ly undereth'timating the amount of willingneth' I have to do thingth' with you, KK. The issue ith' how much I don't wanna fuck up. Do you even know how terrified I wath' earlier, when I tricked Trevor? Do you even know how fath't my heart wath' rath'ing? Or how about when I kith'ed you the morning after we deth'ided to be boyfriendth', our 'real' firth't kith'? Could you feel my breath catch? I'm th'o much more th'cared about all of thith' than I want to be, I really, really don't want to be th'cared, but I don't want to loth'e you, either, th'o I have to be afraid of fucking up with you becauth'e if I do th'omething th'tupid that maketh' you want to leave me, I don't think I'll ever be okay again. A-And I don't th'ay that to th'treth' you out or anything. I juth't want you to know how much you mean to me."

Suddenly his fingers were tangled in my hair, carefully scrubbing away the shampoo-conditioner mix so that it didn't get in my eyes, and his mouth was at my neck, kissing and biting at the sensitive skin, and one of my favorite fantasies was coming true; perfect drops of water streaming down his skin, mesmerizing me. There would be no short showers here. I let my eyes follow the droplets of water halfway down his body before realizing what it looked like I was looking at. My face flushed bright red and I forced myself not to focus as I snapped my eyes up, hoping he hadn't noticed. Thankfully, he hadn't. He was too busy licking water off my neck. I personally had been too distracted with desire to comprehend what I'd been looking at. A question formed in my head through clouds of delight and I waited until he was done to bring it to attention. "Sollux. What did you think about me before?"

I said when he was done; I really meant when he'd pulled away long enough for me to catch my breath. His teeth now worked against my shoulder, no doubt leaving little marks as he murmured, "You mean when we were juth't friendth'?" A whimpered yes — the fucker laughed at me for it — and he answered finally, "I thought you were amazingly th'exy. And funny. And th'mart. And brave. Pretty much everything I think about you now. The only differenth'e now ith' that I don't have to feel th'trange about wanting to tell you. I wath' alth'o really hoping you weren't an ath'hole towards gayth' like moth't of the cuntwadth' around here, becauth'e I wath' afraid that if you found out about your beth't friend being one, that poth'ition would th'uddenly be open to the public."

He'd straightened up at some point during his answer, and I was stunned into embarrassed silence. Swallowing hard, I muttered to myself, "Is that so...? Hm." My eyebrow quirked at him and I tentatively put my hand on his waist. His cheeks brightened a little, nowhere near the amount I was trying to achieve, and he nodded, which allowed me to grab him a bit more forcefully. "I'm glad you told me that. Honestly, I was a bit confused after I heard you jacking off and moaning my name." Now _that_ brought a blush to his face.

"No. Oh, god. Fucking shit, that'th'... really embarrath'ing." He turned his head a bit and took a step back, leaning against the wall. I took a step forward, very nearly leaning against him.

"I'm not embarrassed. Are you embarrassed? I wasn't, not when it happened, either. Do you remember that I went to take a shower later that night? There's a good reason for that, and let me tell you, the water was far too cold for me to enjoy it."

"Oh." The blush darkened and he glanced back at me, mumbling, "Uh... KK...? While we're on that, er, topic... you haven't... um... looked, yet... have you?"

I laughed softly and kissed him even softer. "No. Have you?"

He shook his head. "Nn-nn. KK, really, I don't wanna fuck up with you and—" A quiet shout left his mouth when I lowered my hand a bit. Grabbing his ass proved a _very_ effective method of shutting him up.

"How's this, then?" I murmured softly, moving my hand around his upper thigh slowly enough that he could stop me if he felt the need. Instead of speaking, he whimpered and pressed harder against the wall. Smirking and willing my heart to slow down, I moved just a bit further and wrapped my fingers torturously slowly around his half-hard member. His eyes widened and rolled up before he closed them, sighing in a way that was far from unhappy. I stroked him slow and long for a while, secretly admiring his fair length and keeping our lips together while he made the most amazing noises into my mouth. Soon I was jerking him faster and leaning into him, chest against wet chest, and whispering into his ear, "May I look now? I'd like to see what I'm working with."

He moaned and nodded in approval, and I kissed just beneath his ear and let my gaze fall to his groin. My vision was greeted with an impressive seven inch hard-on. I kissed his lips, so, so softly biting his lower lip and running my tongue over his teeth. He moaned blissfully and pitched forward, throwing his head back and so nearly slamming his skull into the tile. Water flew from his hair and I rubbed his length just a bit harder, just a bit rougher. He groaned louder and pressed back into the wall. "Nnngh, KK! Fuck, fuck, shit, fuck, Karkat, fuck, god fucking dammit, shit, I'm cloth'e."

"Mmm do that again," I begged. "Say my name again."

"Karkat, KK, shit, don't stop! Fuck!" He let out a ragged moan when the pleasure overtook him and his whole body shook as he came. Streams of white mixed and intermingled with the drops of water on my stomach and was quickly washed away by the spray of the shower. I bit into his neck and stroked him through his orgasm while he clung to me, blunt nails digging into my skin. "Jeth'uth' Chrith't..." I kissed him again and ground into him, no where near sated myself. Although feeling him cum in my hand was incredible in and of itself, it was still nothing compared to my dick pressed against his. "Turn around, KK," he panted.

I shot him a curious glance but followed his command all the same. Then one arm was around my waist and his teeth were deep in my shoulder and suddenly he was returning the favor, the other hand wrapped around my similar length and stroking like I'd done him. It took all my self-control to not slam him into the wall, to just stand there on shaking knees and let him hold me and make me feel good. I'd fantasized about this so many times, fantasized about the noises he'd make and the noises he'd make me make and the way he'd touch me, fantasized about _him,_ but nothing came close to the reality of it.

His name came sharply over my voice and I couldn't help myself but beg for more, more, faster, rougher. Anything, everything he could give me, I wanted it. He readily granted my wish, kissing my shoulder and whispering into my ear about things I couldn't focus on. I was too busy thinking about his hand; the only fingers that had touched me like that were my own, so for someone else to be doing it was a whole new feeling altogether. Definitely not an unwanted feeling, but a different one. He stepped back, pulling me with him as soon as the hot water ran out — I'd forgotten we were even in the shower, despite facing the shower head — and stroked harder as he slid down it.

Before I even noticed we were moving, Sollux was seated behind me, his flaccid length pressed awkwardly against my back — I, in any case, was too out of it to either notice or care — and the tips of my curling toes just out of range of the cold water. My black-haired boyfriend's hand did things to make me lose my mind and my head lolled back on his shoulder, its owner infinitely too far gone to worry about how he looked. Sollux quickly moved the hand from my waist to grab my hair and turn my head, returning it before smiling at his reward; the lust-clouded, half-shut eyes of his boyfriend staring blankly at his own. I knew the image before me had changed, but I couldn't think about anything but the pleasure shooting up my spine long enough to focus.

A deep, desperate kiss was thrown down my throat, and he twisted his hand as it moved down my shaft, sending another thrill of ecstasy through my core. I moaned loud and long enough that the noise registered in _my_ mind, so it must have been noticeable enough for Sollux to realize what had caused a sound so different from the harsh, choppy whines and moans I'd been giving him before. He rotated his hand again on another downstroke and another low keening joined the patter of water from the shower. The few remnant swirls of steam mixed with my sweat and brought my internal heat to a raging boil to rival the fire in my stomach. "Sollux," I moaned, panting and closing my eyes tight to counter the euphoria blinding me. "More, Sollux, please, I'm gon—!" My request-turned-warning was cut short by a rough groan as the tightly-wound coil in my gut snapped, sending waves of pleasure to crash heavily over me until my seed was washing down the drain after his.

A kiss met my lips, long, sweet, and passionate as I panted heavily against it. I kept hearing his name, soft and airy as it echoed through the bathroom, and it took me a while to realize I was the one saying it. _Motherfucker. I don't even realize when I'm making noise._ I'd known that before, but without reason to think about it, the knowledge had been forgotten. Sollux placed yet another kiss on my lips and pushed himself to his feet, reaching around the water spraying down in an attempt to turn it off without getting too wet. He managed it, but only barely. The bathroom quickly became deathly silent. It was a bit ominous before he shattered the illusion by pulling back the curtain loudly. I stood up slowly, dazed still from such a powerful experience.

It wasn't until Sollux wrapped one of our extra-large towels around both me and him that I was able to think clearly. I blinked at him while he dried us slowly, hands roaming everywhere through a towel and his steam-softened lips smiling at me the whole time. When he released me, I started to gather up the clothes I'd grabbed before starting the shower, but Sollux stopped me and shook his head. "I don't fucking think th'o. Naked cuddleth'. Thith' ith' happening. Get your ath' out of here." I yelped in response to him spanking me towards the door.

Rubbing my ass as I left, I grumbled, "Fine, asscunt, no need to get pissy about it. Could've just asked, dickshit."

"Bull."

Less than a minute later, he and I were curled under the covers, our naked bodies tangled together. "Sollux?" I murmured. He hm-ed at me like he does and I added, "Thank you for today."

"Mmm which part?"

"All of it. From the moment I woke up to our shower to now, and I'm sure 'til I fall asleep, too."

"Shh. You don't need to thank me for it. I love being with you. I love being around you. I love doing thingth' with you. You don't need to thank me for it becauth'e I love doing it with you."

My face lit up at how freely he used the word "love," but I didn't say anything about it. Instead, I told him, "But I really appreciate it. Trevor would never have done any of this with me—"

"No. You shut up, right now," he demanded, his face hard and his brow set angrily. _Wow, have I not learned fucking_ anything _about relationships?_ Why _in the sweet almighty taintchaffing fuck would I bring him up? You never, ever bring up the ex, ever. What kind of brain-dead fucking idiot do you have to be, I mean, Jesus fuck._ "Don't compare me to him. Have I ever hit you?"

"No, I was just—"

"Have I _ever_ done anything to hurt you?"

"No, Sollux, but—"

"But what, KK? I am not anything like that th'cum, and I am not even a little bit okay with you making comparith'onth' between me and him."

"Okay," I whispered, his intensity scaring me a bit. "I won't. I'm sorry. I was just using him because it was my first steady relationship, but I won't do it anymore, promise." Instead of acknowledging my apology, he removed himself from the bed and stood up. I cringed and closed my eyes, waiting for the demand to move into my own bed. To my surprise, the red glow behind my eyelids disappeared with a click and I opened my eyes to a dark room. "Sollux?" I called, a note of fear creeping into my tone.

"I'm right here, KK. I wath' juth't turning the light off." The mattress sank under his weight as he joined me again.

"I'm really sorry," I said quietly, my voice breaking. "I didn't mean to—"

"Don't. It'th' okay. I might have overreacted. A little."

"A lot," I corrected lightly, relieved.

"Shut up and go to th'leep, ath'." Smirking, I trailed my fingers from his elbow, where they touched first, to his cheek, using it as a guideline for where to put my lips.

Kissing him slowly, I whispered, "Good night, Sollux." He kissed me back and pulled me close, wrapping his arms around me.

"Night, KK."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not even going to ask you to review. I just. Smut. *painful loud fangirl squeal*


	13. Happy Anniversary! Or… Not…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: I had so much difficulty writing this chapter, and I have absolutely no idea why. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I'm kind of half on vacation 150 miles from home, or I had limited access to a computer and my phone was being the stupid, shitty piece of shit that it is and wouldn't let me open any Google Docs, or that I had to go to a funeral for one of the two people in my family who died within a month of each other, or that I had to deal with my brother because he kind of had a breakdown and started doing some self-harm shit and I'm just too far away to be there for him, or maybe it was all four of those reasons or some combination of them, but this chapter was very hard to finish. Also, probably because first-time writer's block. I honestly don't think I've ever had to deal with writer's block before, although I'm fairly certain I've said that before, so maybe I have. I had to ask my friends what I should do for this chapter. So bad. T-T But I did read a new book yesterday called Proxy (ALL OF YOU GO FIND IT AND READ IT, IT'S SO GOOD, I DIED), and my friends gave me new ideas, so I think I'll be okay. Despite the difficulty I found in writing it, I'm really happy with this chapter. Just the way it turned out, I think.
> 
> I'm going to a Summer camp called Camp Hammer (it's a Christian camp and I'm not religious but I'm going with my cousin whom I rarely get to see so it's worth it) and it's really fun and I actually got a lot of writing done in another story last year during it, so I think it'll be okay. Just don't expect me to have anything to do with the internet from Sunday, 4th to Saturday, 10th.
> 
> More notes. My bro's okay now, in case any of you were worried about him (which some of you were, wow I love you guys). Also, did you guys notice I changed the summary a bit? And I'm not sure if any of you look, but sometimes when I fix a lisp I missed or just a straight up mistake I made (like "how stiffened" in this chap XD), I usually change up the Author's Note a bit, too. One more thing, I'm gonna give a giant, huge, big shoutout to FFF (guest on fanfiction.net), who rarely misses a review which confuses me because you can't follow on guest so I think she just stalks this story 24/7, but I don't care because she always has really sweet, nice things to say and, honestly, leaves some of my favorite reviews and sometimes I read them when I feel sad and then I don't feel sad anymore whatshhIdidn'tsaythat. I'd love to talk to her more, but she always reviews on guest and I can never reply :( So, FFF, if you're reading this, you should feel proud because I always look for your reviews whenever I update and they always make me happy ^-^ (Also, the Tumblr URL you left me broke because of FanFiction so just throw me your username or something and I'll drop on by.)
> 
> AHAHAHAHAHHAHAH I JUST REALIZED, this is a really bad chapter to leave you guys on and I'm laughing so hard about it XDD Ahahahhahaha sucks for you! I am _so_ not sorry.
> 
> *ahem* ...Chapter Thirteen, enjoy and review please! ^-^

"Alright, KK, it'th' about time you got up off your lazy ath' and quit playing video gameth'. Get dreth'ed — nith'e," Sollux barked, exiting the room. "We're doing th'omething tonight."

"Are we going somewhere?" I asked, saving the game of Civ IV I'd been playing. "Because if we are, a little warning would have been nice."

"Well, here'th' your warning now!" he called back. Growling to myself, I walked to the closet. It took a couple minutes to pick out a nice, dark burgundy button-down, and black skinny jeans with a silver wallet chain to go with it. I figured it was a nice enough outfit for wherever we were going, casual and comfortable enough that I wouldn't look overdressed if that were the case and nice enough that it would fit in with a crowd. Just as I was about to change, Sollux yelled from the other room, "Go take a shower, KK."

"Why?"

"Becauth'e I th'aid th'o. Hop to it."

"Fuck you, I don't need a shower!"

"Yeth', you do. Go shower."

"No."

"KK."

"Fuck, fine." I sighed heavily, turning into the bathroom and starting the hot water. _I don't need a shower... do I?_ I wondered, raising my arm and sniffing. I didn't smell horrible, certainly not bad enough to warrant a shower, but I knew better than to argue with Sollux once he'd set his mind on something. Since he was dead set on making me shower, I decided he was going to have to wait for me, too, so I turned the water down a bit so the heat would last longer and resigned myself to a long, self-indulgent shower. Somewhere around half an hour later, Sollux banged on the door and yelled for me to get out, which I figured I probably should in case I made us late for wherever we were going. Walking back into the bedroom with a towel around my waist, feeling very clean and very warm, I found Sollux changing. I followed his idea and dressed myself, and he tugged me close for a long, sweet kiss when we were both clothed.

"Mmm what, you're not going to shower, too?" I asked.

He kissed me again and said, "I doubt there'th' any hot water left after yourth'. Beth'ideth', I don't need one."

"Neither did I," I pointed out.

"Yeth', you did, and I'll ekth'plain why in a minute if you don't get it."

"Don't get what?" Instead of answering, he took my hand and led me into the dining room. On the table in the dim room lay two sets of silverware, two lit candlesticks, and two plates opposite each other, both with thick, juicy tri-tip steaks with mashed potato and broccoli sides. I couldn't help the astonishment in my gaze.

"I didn't want you getting curiouth' and coming out while I wath' cooking," he told me, pulling out the chair behind one of the plates for me. I took the seat and quickly closed my mouth, hoping he hadn't seen it hanging open.

"Sollux, this is... I thought you said we were going out." It was all I could manage.

He chuckled, sitting across the table. "I never th'aid we were going out. I th'aid we were doing th'omething. _You_ deth'ided we were going out."

I had to commend him for being so sly. "Well, I'm glad. Did you just decide to make us a nice dinner tonight, or is there a reason behind it?"

His grin was instantaneous. "Firth't month, KK." I stared back. It was our one month today, which I guessed was a pretty decent milestone, especially considering no one else knew.

"Oh." He stuck out his tongue and lifted up his hands in a heart, to which I snorted and nearly fell out of my chair laughing at. "You are the biggest fucking dork I've ever met," I told him, still laughing softly to myself.

"And proud of it," he replied, winking. I snort laughed again and continued eating. Sollux really was a great cook; he had a natural talent for it, and the food was superb, cooked just the way he knew I liked it and seasoned just as perfectly. It wasn't long before both our plates were cleared. I'd even managed to convince him to let me feed him a forkful of mashed potatoes, which I found cheesy and romantic and he was undeniably sweet for letting me.

"Sit up," I coaxed, hoping he'd indulge me in yet another classic romance move. He leaned forward across the table and I stretched up to meet him, ignoring the door opening for favor of tasting his lips again. Did I ever mention how good he tasted? There was a little spark that was pure Sollux, much like his scent. Something I couldn't quite put my finger on that defined him so perfectly. I let my mind focus on finding that little spark of flavor, not thinking about how he stiffened or about the clack of high heels against the wood floor of the kitchen or the jangling of keys as they were set on the counter.

"Hello, boys! I just thought I would drop by and — oh!" _That_ got my attention. _That sounded like Kanaya,_ I realized. I pulled away and snapped my eyes toward the voice, which was indeed Kanaya's. It took me a minute to sort out exactly what had made the past few seconds feel so wrong. _Kanaya just walked in. Okay. I just kissed Sollux. Okay. Kanaya saw. Okay. So... wait. Kanaya saw. Not okay. Definitely not okay. That is not okay at all, in the slightest. Shit._ "Am I... erm... I'm not interrupting anything, am I?"

"Yeth'," Sollux snapped bluntly. I would have hit him if I didn't think I'd miss without looking away from Kanaya, and that wasn't going to happen.

"No, no, you're not. A-At all," I managed weakly. "But, uh... what—" Hard swallow. "—wh-what _are_ you doing here?"

"I was just dropping by," she told me, her face a bit red, "because I hadn't spoken with either of you since Karkat's birthday and I was wondering how things were going, and I had _assumed_ that you would be doing nothing except destroying each other in video games on a Friday night, but I, um, obviously assumed... i-incorrectly and I... um..." She trailed off. It was one of the few times I'd ever seen her flustered about anything. The only other time was at a party in high school; we were playing Spin-The-Bottle, and her first spin had yielded her best friend Vriska. She told me later it had been her first kiss, as well as the event that later sparked a powerful crush toward the blue-eyed brunette. I neither commented about nor replied to her admission of preference because by then I'd determined and accepted my own attraction for those that shared my gender, though I wasn't really comfortable with it at the time. I never worked up the courage to confide in her, but hey, there's no time like the present, right?

"Honestly, I feel like I'm intruding, I shouldn't have come by unannounced in the first place, a-and I really do think I should be going now," she stated, a note of urgency tainting her tone. Too many thoughts, not one of them good, chased each other around in my head, all demanding attention and none receiving it. My attention was instead trained on her quickly gathering her purse and keys from the counter.

"No, Kanaya, no, wait!" I shouted too quickly, standing up so fast that my chair nearly fell over. Sollux followed suit much more slowly, pushing his chair back in when he stepped away. Realizing how desperate I sounded, I corrected quickly, "I mean, you only just got here, and we've just finished dinner, so why not stay a while?"

She paused and shot me a withering glare. "I don't know, you seemed a bit _busy,_ Karkat, the both of you did. Busy with each other. Not that it's any of my concern exactly what kind of friends you are, but—"

"Shut your fucking mouth!" Sollux snarled, taking a step towards her. She backed away and I watched, stunned. "You can th'ay whatever the hell elth'e you want about me, but when you th'tart th'uggeth'ting that I have any intereth't in KK other than _him,_ I think I need to make it at leath't two hundred perth'ent clear that that ith'n't the cath'e." Another menacing step in her direction found my arms wrapped harshly around his middle, all before I even knew I'd moved.

Yanking him back, I whispered words just as harsh as my actions meant for his ears only. "Don't you lay a finger on her." He steadied himself against the table and I added, my tone softer, "Let me talk to her, okay?" The hint of a snarl still burned on his lips as he nodded. Turning to Kanaya, I was concerned to find her backed into a corner, clutching her rose-pink, leather purse so tightly her knuckles were white. "Kanaya...?" I began, hoping she wouldn't say what I feared she would. She didn't. Instead, she let the unbridled terror in her eyes tell me anything I could need to know. I took her hand and led her into the bedroom, closing the door after us.

She nearly broke down in tears right then and there. "I thought he was going to _hurt_ me!" she choked out, hugging me tightly.

"I wouldn't have let him," I assured her, dropping my voice. "And no matter what he would have done, you know he wouldn't have meant it. I mean, you do know that, right? He hasn't been taking his meds very much lately, and he's starting to worry me. Whatever. Just calm down and let me, I don't know, clear things up I guess? Yeah, that sounds about right. Let me clear things up." She did as I said, sniffling and seating herself on Sollux's bed. I took a seat next to her and began, "That really was an uncalled-for remark, you know. About 'what kind of friends we were.' Really, Kanaya, do you think _either_ of us are the type for 'friends with benefits?' A couple years ago, Sollux — maybe. But now? Nuh-uh. Not with me. Especially not after we've known each other this long. Those things are supposed to be kind of emotionless after all, aren't they? Like a no strings attached kind of thing?" I shook my head, betraying how little importance the question held.

"Anyway, we aren't really... just friends anymore. On my birthday, I might have kind of gotten a little bit wasted. Maybe. Only a tiny bit. But that's not really very fucking relevant except that alcohol makes people fucking stupidly honest and, long story short, I finally worked up some balls and told someone who actually means a damn thing that I'm—" I paused, refusing to let my voice break. "—told him how I really felt about him. At first I was afraid he would turn me away, but then he kissed me back and — wait, _fuck,_ I didn't say that, alright?" The "accidental" slip-up was part in attempt to lighten the mood, which I guess worked, considering the quiet giggle that followed.

"Um... yeah. So, uh, from then on, we kind of worked things out and we're together now. But, please, Kanaya, and I'm really serious about this, please don't tell anyone. Not Nepeta, not-not Vriska, o-or, like, someone I don't know, nobody, not even in confidentiality. I know I can trust you to keep our secret, but you know how people around here are... and I have... a more _involved_ issue with them, but I think I'll be okay on that front from now on. Just so long as we're kept a secret."

She'd been listening in silent fascination, her chin resting in her hand throughout my confession. "You _can_ trust me, Karkat. I wish you'd told me sooner, though, so at the very least I wouldn't be as utterly shocked as I was tonight. I did _not_ think that either of you had any interest in each other, especially considering that you have only had girlfriends in the past."

I hesitated to bring up Trevor, eventually deciding that she didn't need to know. "I'm bi, Kanaya, not gay. Girls are nice, too. But I've had a crush on Sollux nearly as long as you've had one on Vriska, probably longer. I guess I also did a pretty goddamn good job in hiding it. Him, too. I thought he'd never talk to me again after I told him, let alone want to get with me. Surprised the actual fuck out of me."

She suddenly broke out in a grin and threw her arms around me, tugging me into a close hug. "I'm so happy for you." Her voice was unsurprisingly tearful — you wouldn't guess it of her, but she was just as much a sucker for romance as I was. Not necessarily as much as far as romance movies and novels go, but she was a romantic nonetheless.

I hugged her back until she pulled away, smiling at her as we stood up. "Never mind your relationship, I feel that I am intruding in any case. Coming here tonight was a bad idea. I should have called or... _something_ beforehand. That being said, I am going to leave if you don't mind."

"Are you sure?" I asked, trying to clear the air. "We really did finish eating, and I'm not sure what Sollux had planned for the rest of the night, but—"

"Karkat, you said your relationship began on your birthday. Today's the twelfth. That also makes today the anniversary of your first month together. Despite what you may say, I am most definitely not welcome, and if you don't know what Sollux has planned for the evening... well, I doubt it's anything I'm likely to be included in. You should enjoy your night together, and that means that _I_ should be heading back home." She hugged me again and exited the bedroom. I followed her and found Sollux on the couch, looking out the window at nothing. Furrowing my brow in concern, I saw Kanaya out and returned to the living room to sit next to him. He didn't even so much as look at me as I curled up under his arm.

I cleared my throat loudly. "Sollux...?" Still no reaction. "Kanaya knows about us. She's cool with it."

Nothing.

"Sollux?" I repeated, louder. He didn't even so much as tense up, even slightly. "Are you okay?"

Nothing.

"I didn't know she was going to come tonight. I wasn't expecting anyone to. I didn't, like, invite her or—" _Shit, no, stop it. This isn't my fault. This isn't anybody's fault. Kanaya just happened to be there at that moment. We just happened to kiss when she walked in. It's not anybody's fault._ "Sollux?"

Suddenly, he spoke, still looking out the window. "Do you think she hates me?" I stopped. _Oh. I get it._

"No."

"Do you think she's afraid of me?"

"No."

"Do you think—"

"No. Whatever you're about to suggest, no. She doesn't hate you. She's not afraid of you. She's okay with us being together. She already knew about my preference in gender... or, lack thereof," I added, hoping the little white lie would improve his mood, "so I'm sure she doesn't care about yours." It didn't do much by way of mood improvement, so I tried another tack. "Um... okay, this is gonna seem like a really asshole-ish question, and I guess it kind of is, kind of 'cause I'm an asshole and kind of 'cause of the question—" He finally looked at me, the hard line of his mouth breaking into the shadow of a smirk. "—but have you been taking your meds lately?"

His vague smile fell, and the look he gave me could have been anything from offended disgust to suspicious fear — or probably both. "Maybe." I raised an eyebrow at him. "What if I haven't? I'm doing juth't fine without them."

"Really?" I returned, hating how instantaneously the accusation rose in my voice. "Remember earlier, that thing that you said to Kanaya? Excuse me, that you said to _threaten_ her? And you said that mere seconds after being the dorkiest idiot in the world. Or... oh, let's not forget the night of the Fourth, how you went from 'wonderful, affectionate boyfriend' to 'snappy, angry douchebag' at the mention of a name? Ooh, what about just a minute ago, when you went from this sad, lonely lookin' asshole who thought he'd just lost a friend to a snappy, _superior_ douchebag at, again, the mention of a single word?"

"Yeah, fuck off, KK, that had nothing to do with my mental health, you dipshit."

"Do you really think you would have threatened to hurt Kanaya if—"

"Yeth', I really fucking do, becauth'e no one, not her, not fucking anybody, getth' to th'ay that I only want you for—"

"Do you know exactly how little I care? Can you tell just how few shits I give?! I know what you want me for. It does not fucking _matter._ You don't just _do_ that, you don't just threaten people for saying something, you don't hit people or make like you're going to, you can't _do_ those things, and I know you, Sollux, I know that you _wouldn't_ do those things, except that there's some stupid, fucked up part of you that wants to do them, that thinks it's normal to want to hit people, and you're supposed to take these fucking pills so that you don't want to do those things, but you aren't and it's really not okay because you're scaring the people around you and you're scaring _me_ and you need to fucking take those fucking pills because _I'm starting to get really fucking worried about you again!"_ I was completely out of breath and practically screaming by the time I'd finished.

Sollux pushed me onto the far cushion and brought himself to his feet, turning without a word to walk into the bedroom, shutting and, to my surprise and instantaneous terror, locking the door behind him. I leaped over the couch and slammed my whole weight into the door and pounded on it with both of my fists and furiously rattled the knob and yelled at him through the thin layer of wood, screeching until my voice cracked and flat out begging him to open it. Within thirty seconds, the fear had gotten to me and I was left curled against the bottom part of the door, tears of utter hopelessness streaming from my eyes as sob after sob tore from my body. _There's only one fucking thing he would be doing that would require locking the door. One thing that he could be doing that he would need to lock the door in order to keep me from stopping him from doing. He's killing himself in there,_ I thought helplessly, slamming my skull against the door over and over and fucking over, and hugging my knees tighter to my chest with each passing second. _I yelled at him. It's all my fault. He's killing himself and there isn't fucking anything I can do about it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No yeah, still not sorry at all. I hunger for reviews :33
> 
> Also... if anybody's interested, like at all (I'm not gonna get upset if no one does, I just think it would cool), I would absolutely love some fanart for this fic, especially this chapter. I think if I got just one drawing of Sollux making a heart at Karkat with his tongue out, I would die and never ask you guys for anything again (I lied, I'd still probably ask you for reviews and shit). So yeah, if any of you are so inclined, feel free to saunter over to your art program or dredge up that sketchbook of yours or whatever and just kinda... doodle or somethin'. c: Thanks, love you guys, be back in a week!


	14. I Could Definitely Get Used To This

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Whale, guys. I'm sick. I'm not sure what with, though from what I've gathered, I'm fairly certain it's something along the lines of overexertion with just a hint of dehydration. Also I think my computer's fixed? But if someone doesn't get it today (Friday), I have to wait until Monday, and knowing my parents... I'll have my computer back by Monday. But anyway. This shit sucks. Practically constant headaches, just as constant shortness of breath, complete lack of energy (literally, guys, I couldn't even sit up in bed. I tried to drink some water sideways because I couldn't even lean forward and all I ended up accomplishing was dumping about half of it on my face XD), loss of appetite, dizziness, disorientation. It's all bad. So I spent the last three days lying in bed, propped up against a pillow, watching Doctor Who and Hercules. Also waking up at weird hours. Do you know how boring and just awkward it is to wake up at 4 AM? Can't turn on the TV 'cause it's so early, can't reach a light _or_ a book to read, can't text your friends because they're all asleep. Ugh. So, so bad. And weird, really disconcerting fever dreams? Not even gonna get into that. I think that by the end of it, I decided I was a Slitheen (everyone go Google Image search Slitheen, they're so funny looking, they make me laugh a lot cx).
> 
> Update: it's currently 9:23 PM on a balmy Monday night, the twenty third of August. We are coming to day seven of mystery sickness, I am still very much laptopless (although my grandfather's planning to pick it up for me tomorrow), and I am currently back living with my grandparents, which is a damn sight nicer than relying on my parents (I kid you not, they refused to get me water when I couldn't even get out of bed). I have written another very long author's note, so I will leave now and allow you to carry on reading. Oh, did I tell you my phone's breaking?
> 
> I lied, final update: I FUCKING GOT MY COMPUTER BACK. I lost all of my pictures though. And all my Minecraft worlds/the texture pack I've been maintaining for a couple years. *sadbeaks* At least, that's all I've noticed I'm missing. Plus like a hundred hacked Sims: CC objects. *sigh* I don't even know how I'm gonna get the Sims back on here, considering I don't exactly have access to my desktop at the moment. I'm a lot less sick now, though, so there's that. c: And I got a guitar! Oh man. Plus school's starting Wednesday. *cries* Soon, my friends, my update schedule will be much, much worse. I was doing pretty good for a while there.
> 
> Anyway, Chapter Fourteen, enjoy. Fuckin' finally, right?

I had no idea how long I lay crumpled against the door, how long I lay frozen by endless fear and listless regret and the choking fury of helplessness. I couldn't help what I said. I couldn't take it back. I couldn't un-say it. I was honest and now I would pay the price for it. That was just like life. That _would_ be exactly what life decided I deserved. It's just what I knew I deserved. Forever to be punished for something I couldn't stop, punished for mistakes I didn't know were possible. Maybe there was something beyond fate constantly pissing on me. Maybe there _was_ some kind of god out there. Maybe He did consider homosexuality sin like all the fucking pastors in this shitty town preached. Maybe losing the one I needed most, losing someone I'd been waiting for my whole life, maybe _we_ were wrong simply because we shared a gender, and maybe losing him would be fair enough punishment to atone for my "sins."

Maybe that was His decision.

But you know what, I'd never been particularly religious before now, and honestly, I didn't feel much like starting. Because maybe, just fucking maybe, maybe there was no god, maybe this wasn't my punishment for anything, and _just fucking maybe_ there _was_ something I could do about it. My mind made up in an instant, I leapt up, slamming my elbow painfully into the doorknob, and sprinted out the front door. I blinked and suddenly the outside of the bedroom window met my vision. I cursed my height more vehemently than ever when I bounced up and still failed to reach even the sill. I was just an inch short. Fuck height. Unbidden, the memory of the night we took a walk in the park came back and I allowed myself a tiny smile while searching for a small enough pebble.

 _Clack._ I paused. Nothing.

 _Clack._ Something shifted inside. _One more. Just one more. Please._

 _Clack._ The window began to open and I prayed to the god that may or may not be that for once my mistake could be forgiven, that for once, the only one time I knew I deserved it, life would cut me some slack.

Sollux peeked out and glanced down at me, blinking in surprise. "Well. I gueth' doorth' can't th'top you from getting where you wanna be." He had some nerve to be making jokes when I thought he'd been tying his own noose.

"Help me up, fuckass." His eyes practically rolled out of his head as he took a step back and moved some things from in front of the window. A moment later, his silhouette was replaced in the window and long, gangly arms stretched towards me. I locked wrists with him and, ignoring the burning in my muscles, together we heaved my scar-adorned body up and through it. I tumbled into the room, landing on top of him. It was a long time before either of us moved, but I finally summoned some strength and pushed myself onto shaky legs. Looking down, I was both numbingly shocked and beyond relieved to find Sollux propped up on his elbows, dressed in nothing but a gray tee-shirt and darker briefs, perturbed but otherwise completely self-unharmed.

"What even ith' your deal, KK?" he snapped as he stood and walked over to the nightstand. Atop said nightstand lay capped a translucent, orange bottle of prescription medication, two tablets of which were set beside a dixie cup full of water. We stared at each other for a minute, him having stopped when he caught me looking.

He returned the medicine bottle to the drawer and quickly swallowed the pills, casually tossing the crumpled cup towards the wastebasket, and missing, like it was a completely normal thing to do. Really, it was a completely normal thing to. The longer I looked, however, the longer I thought about it, the more I felt like shaking him for it. I didn't trust myself to speak, though, let alone move at that moment.

"You look a bit confuth'ed," he stated nonchalantly, putting the cup where garbage was meant to go. I blinked and _holy, shit, he moved fast, hello._ Suddenly there was a heterochromatic, raven-haired douche standing within a foot of my face. I didn't think; I didn't feel. I just moved. With each second that passed, there was another blow made to his stomach, his shoulder, his chest, his arms, anywhere I could reach. I didn't even notice the tears on my face until after I felt them on my hands. Didn't notice the knot in my throat until I screamed at him.

"You are truly an asshole, Sollux! A right fucking bastard! What the hell is wrong with you?! What the sweet fucking shit is wrong with you?!" My words dissolved into sobs as I collapsed against him, letting his long arms hold me and comfort me. He didn't say anything, though — he just held me. "Why did you lock the door? I thought you were... I-I thought..." I cried harder into his shirt, trailing off when I found I couldn't speak my fear. I didn't even care how pathetic I looked, a grown man sobbing grossly against another grown man. I couldn't have cared less if someone fucking payed me to. The only thing that mattered was that he was okay.

"KK," he said softly, burying his fingers in my hair and stroking it softly. "KK, calm down. Shh... KK, pleath'e." He didn't move. I didn't move. We stood beyond still, two bodies so close they could be one. I finally managed to get ahold of myself enough to let him simply hold me.

That didn't stop my voice from coming out tearful and pathetic when I spoke again. "Why did you lock the door?"

"Becauth'e. Becauth'e I don't know. Becauth'e I wath' gonna make you th'leep on the couch becauth'e I'm a douche like that." I closed my eyes and hugged him tighter. _He wasn't killing himself._ I thought, numb with relief. _He wasn't killing himself. He wasn't killing himself. He was just mad at me. With due right. I'm the asshole. He wasn't killing himself._ "Ith' that what you thought I wath' doing?"

"Son of a fuck. I said that out loud, didn't I?" He mhm-ed at me and I groaned and buried my face deeper into the crook of his neck. "Don't hate me, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I just—"

"How many more timeth' am I gonna have to tell you to shut up before you get the idea and th'tart fucking shutting up?" Sollux's tone was a lot more teasing than I had been expecting. "I don't hate you, KK. I'm not gonna hate you. Ever. You're th'tuck with me for a while, th'o you'd better get uth'ed to it. And that meanth' ekth'pecting me to th'tick around even when before you would have ekth'pected leth'."

"No." My brow furrowed. "No. That's wrong, that sounds wrong. Expect less... I don't expect less of you," I protested, digging my fingers into his back. "I expect a lot of you. I expect more from you than I do from me. I expect that you're gonna do better than what I expect because you're you, because you're Sollux, and... shit. I don't expect less of you. Don't think that." _And_ I was tearing up again.

"Okay," he said quietly, tightening his grip in return. "Can we th'it down? Or, like, lie down or th'omething? My legth' are th'tarting to get tired." I shook my head and gave him a firm "nn-nnh!" and readjusted my arms around him. "Okay." He spoke slowly, as if trying to piece together an explanation to my reaction in his head. Failing, he added, "Why not?"

"Sitting down or like lying down or something means I have to let you go for a few seconds. Letting you go is that thing that's never happening again." To my chagrin, he almost instantly let out a chuckle. "What, you think I'm kidding—?"

"What if I have to take a dump, KK?" I grimaced and let my face fall back into his neck, opting to just stand there and inhale his scent rather than to answer his question. "Or if I'm getting eaten by a shark, would you th'till be holding on to me then? What about if I wath' falling off a cliff or into a vat of ath'id? Where would you be?"

"Where the fuck do you come up with this shit?" I asked incredulously, pulling my face away to look up at him. "There aren't any sharks around for five hundred miles in _any_ direction, unless you count zoos and aquariums, but seriously? And have you looked around lately? We are in Okla-fucking-homa. We're hardly cliff-central. And I'm just gonna. Acid. Really?"

"Really, really," he replied, cocking his head ever so slightly and grinning.

 _"Aaaand_ now you're making Shrek references. Stop talking, I'm revoking your speaking privileges. Just stand there there and look good."

"Don't feel much like th'tanding. How 'bout we lay down?"

"No, I already told you why that's not happening."

"But what if _I_ told _you_ why it _ith',_ becauth'e you wouldn't have to let me go?"

"And why would that be?"

"Becauth'e thith'." Before I had a chance to reply, he turned and literally threw me into his bed, his lanky form flying after mine of course and repaying me for having landed on him when I climbed through the window earlier.

"Sollux! Oww, fuck! Think you could have done that and _not_ crushed me half to fucking death in the midst?" I griped, trying (failing) to roll him off of me.

"Probably," he said snarkily, quickly silencing any answer I might have come up with with a gentle kiss and a nip at my collarbone through a little hole in my button-down. "I'm th'orry for th'caring you."

"You better fucking be, prick. I still think you're an asshole." I growled to myself and turned my head away, feigning more anger towards him than I really felt.

"Damn. That'th' too bad... And you're abth'olutely, two-hundred perth'ent sure there'th' nothing I can do to make it up to you? To... oh, I don't know, change your mind, maybe?" A rougher grating of teeth met my skin. I couldn't stop my gasp. Cold fingertips danced along the holes of skin showing through my dress shirt, little pockets of ice that grew with each microscopic swoosh of a button through fabric. Before I knew what was happening, Sollux's fingers had unbuttoned their way up to my collar and now his lips were warming up the stripe of cold down my chest. A kiss brought his face back to mine and the words he spoke were sent coursing through my veins as easily as he spoke them; "Let me make up your mind, KK. Let me show you how th'orry I am." It was taking all my energy to keep my breathing even, which didn't leave much for an answer.

He found one in my ragged breaths anyway, trailing his teeth along my nipple and down to my belly button. "I know I can be an ath'hole, KK," he murmured with his lips against my skin, his voice sounding impossibly far away and still so close. "I know I do thingth' that pith' you off — often — and I know I'm a handful to deal with becauth'e that'th' juth't how I am th'ometimeth'." As his words stopped, so did the gentle brush of his lips, and just as quickly he was leaning over me, his eyes asking to hold mine with an intensity I couldn't refuse. "You were right. I haven't been taking my medth', and I didn't realize how much it wath' affecting me until you pointed it out. I thought I'd been doing pretty good, honeth'tly. But regardleth', I need to th'tart taking care of myth'elf again before I hurt th'omeone I care about becauth'e of my th'tupid, th'tubborn obth'tinanth'e. Can you help me with that? Help me with making sure I actually take my medication?"

He looked so innocent; childish, almost, with the way his eyes looked so hopefully into mine, a hint of the fear of rejection shadowing them. It was sweet and endearing and filled me with something I couldn't put a name to. I took a minute to let the full of his admission sink in, as well as to let that warm feeling his gaze gave me fill me up, before nodding. He sealed the agreement with a soft kiss and murmured, "Now, ath' for that payment of mine; payment? Repayment, maybe? Or... offering, plain and th'imple. What do you think?" he added, sinking his teeth lightly into my neck. "Ith' thith' advanth'e payment for the job I th'et you? Or an offering of peath'e for my ath'holery earlier? Both work juth't fine for me. Both work in my favor." The smug grin was clearly evident in his voice as he teased the sensitive skin beneath his teeth.

His fingers trailed along my stomach again and sent a shudder up my spine as they tucked my shirt partway beneath me. I hadn't even noticed the short whines and whimpers accompanying it until a deep, rough kiss stopped them. "You make the cuteth't noith'eth'," he told me playfully, kissing me again. "I almost wanna record them, keep 'em for myth'elf and only me to lith'ten to. Maybe I'll play them when th'chool th'tartth' and you're in a clath' and I'm at home, all by myth'elf. All alone. The thingth' I could do with the noith'eth' you make—"

I wanted to stop his plan from formulating any further, because knowing him, he would put something that convoluted into action if it worked in his favor, and it _always_ worked in his favor. That was part of why I shut him up. But mostly it was because I didn't like where he was going with all the school talk. School had a lot of possibilities for someone like Sollux, a lot of opportunities. As for someone like me? Well, not so much. I wasn't sure I was even going next year, for a lot of reasons, but he didn't need to know that and and the sooner we got off the topic of school, the better.

And so his taunting promise ended with my hands gripping his ass. His parted lips froze and his trembling fingers hit a standstill and air itself changed as he became mine. "The things you could do with the noises I make. And yet all it takes is just one touch to bring the possibilities crashing down to nothing as you melt in my hands," I said, making no attempt to hide the satisfaction in my voice. "Who said you got to be on top? I don't like that. Roll over for me." I was half expecting him to laugh in my face, but he instead followed my command without hesitation and rolled over flat on his back. His head turned slightly to the side and he looked out expectantly, as if waiting for further instruction. This _is a side of Sollux I could get used to,_ I thought mischievously.

I saw an opportunity in his openness. I took it.

"Why don't you give me something to look at? I like your shirt and all, but I'm much more interested in what it's covering." Again without the slightest pause, he struggled for a minute with his shirt then tossed it to the floor, laying back now shirtless against the pillow. I was half-tempted to take off my own shirt to even the score, but a year of meticulously making sure my shirt _wouldn't_ come off in front of people had made me more self-conscious than I'd like to admit, so I left mine on. Before he got a similar idea, I leaned forward and let my lips acquaint themselves with his chest. His two-letter nickname for me met my ears in various little cries and gasps as my teeth and tongue teased him — I even left him a nice, big hickey on a really receptive part of his neck, which, unfortunately for him, was rather high up. I smiled to myself as I thought about Sollux shamefully asking to borrow a turtleneck.

Eventually, my mouth worked its way lower to his soft, cottony briefs. I could feel the fabric brush against my cheek and looked up just in time to see him furiously attempting to hide a blush. I simply smiled and brazenly nuzzled against the raising tent, eliciting a loud gasp and a jerk of movement as he propped himself up on his elbows. "KK, what are you—?"

"Ah, ah, ah, Sollux. Lie back down."

"But—"

"I'll stop right now if you don't lie down. And you wouldn't want that, would you?" The support of his elbows was gone before I got even halfway through the second sentence. This power I didn't know I could have over him was quickly going to my head, and I was loving every second of it. I didn't waste any time in sliding his briefs down, pausing only shortly for him to raise his ass high enough that I could get the waistline around it. It wasn't long before he was lying stiffly on the sheets in front of me, very naked, very vulnerable, and very, very hard. Sucking cock hadn't been strictly part of my agenda that night, but hey, I supposed I could be flexible.

I'm pretty sure the noise he made when my lips met the head would be stuck in my mind for a couple days; a squeaky, pathetic little whine blended with a lovely gasp, and broken halfway. The noise was nothing short of perfection, not to mention instant motivation to try for more. It was strange, something so evenly round going so far into my mouth. Kind of like a popsicle, but not cold and with a much smoother texture. And far more salty. Not that it wasn't a good salty. It was definitely a good salty. Had just a little bit of the same spark of flavor I got when kissing him.

After a while, I got used to his length in my mouth and bobbed my head around it, letting the wet heat of my mouth soak into him whenever he slipped just a little bit deeper down my throat. I wasn't _quite_ struggling with him yet, but in this position, it was bound to happen sooner than later, so I pulled away with a hard suck and a loud pop. He whimpered and I met his gaze, snickering. "Oh, don't worry. I'm not done yet. I just need you to move for me." He whimpered again and nodded, still biting his lip.

I climbed over his legs and got on my knees in front of the edge of the bed. "Come on, come sit on the edge." He moved quickly to the side and sat with his legs on either side of me. I had to admit, I was thoroughly enjoying the view. Scooting forward a bit, I stroked him slowly with one hand and looked up for a half-second as I slid my tongue over the slit in the tip. He groaned and leaned back slightly, instinctively bringing a hand to the back of my head. I couldn't help but grin up at him. "Feel free to guide me if you think I need it," I prompted invitingly. "Just putting it out there, I have no clue what I'm doing beyond the basic fucking rules of cocksucking and imagining what I'd like, so if there's anything in particular you'd be interested in having me do," I said, pausing both for dramatic effect and to glide my tongue along the entirety of his length, resulting in a shudder on his behalf, "don't hesitate to help me get there."

With that, I closed my lips over the tip, taking care to keep my teeth out of the mix for now, and slid my mouth down, resuming my steady rhythm from before. Sollux rolled his head back with a low moan and I pulled away just once more. "And stop biting your lip. I want to hear you." With that, I dove right back in, sucking just a little bit faster and just a little bit harder and just a little bit deeper. Apparently I did something right, because his fingers tangled into my hair and the slightest pressure was put on the back of my head when I pushed it forward. I hummed encouragement around him, which resulted in a louder moan and a rougher nudge. Bracing myself, I forced my throat to relax and pushed my head forward until my lips met the soft scratchiness of the black tuft of hair around the base. His length was uncomfortable in the back of my throat, but I chose to ignore it for favor of the pleasure I knew I was giving him.

I didn't realize I'd been holding my breath until I had to pull away to inhale, but I once again ignored the awkwardness of it to continue the job I'd set myself. Not even bothering to pause, I glanced up at Sollux to find him completely lost in bliss; eyes closed, face up, mouth open and breaths coming short and ragged, a few moans and gasps tossed into the mix here and there. Considering my progress well done, I upped the ante a little and unsheathed just the tips of my teeth, biting down hard enough for it to be noticeable but softly enough that it wouldn't hurt. I didn't know if he was a masochist, but experimentation could always come later. As for first-time events, I just wanted them to go smoothly.

He gasped and called out my name, gripping my hair tighter and almost pulling me back. Smiling internally, I moved forward more insistently, giving him a hard suck as I did. He called my name out again in a strangled kind of cry that I took, rightly so, to be a warning. Suddenly the back of my mouth was filled with something tangy and salty and warm, moreso than his length itself. Pulling my head away, I swirled his seed around my mouth a bit, enjoying the unique taste, before swallowing loudly and then sticking my tongue out at him to show off my now empty mouth.

His expression had never been so gorgeous.

Within the span of ten seconds, he'd somehow managed to haul me back onto the bed and get the blanket over both of us. He parted his lips and I was expecting him to start talking; instead he leaned forward and gave me a deep, rough, wonderful kiss. The shocking depravity of his action was strangely arousing, but exhaustion overpowered desire and I just let him kiss me. "I'm so tired, Sollux," I whispered when he paused for air.

"Let'th' go to bed then, okay?" he whispered back. I nodded slowly and he kissed me again. Struggling out of the covers, he crawled to the edge of the bed — still stark naked — and switched the light off. Clamoring back to me, he slid quickly back in place beneath the blanket and slipped an arm underneath me. I curled up against him and pressed a gentle kiss to his chest, the only place I could be bothered to reach at the moment. He bent a little and kissed the top of my head before draping his other hand over my waist. "Good night, KK."

"Night, Sollux. Love you."

I was asleep before the words I'd spoken registered in my mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "...Love you, too."
> 
> Review~!
> 
> And I'm sorry this took so long. I'm not gonna excuses except computer and sickness. Also week of camp, but mostly sickness. But yeah, apology anyway. It'll only get worse from here on out. Also my author's notes are getting longer... I suddenly understand Rage's issue with long intros in his videos XD (Rage as in RageGamingVideos on YouTube, I love him, he's British and does Minecraft stuff and he's lovely).


	15. …Goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: This time, I am sorry.
> 
> Chapter Fifteen, everyone.

"Emotionally-detached" was scarcely a term I'd use to describe myself. "Emotionally-vulnerable," maybe. I wore my heart underneath my sleeve; meaning that, when somebody said something that got under my skin, either in terms of anger, fear, sadness, whatever it may be, I simply lashed out at them and changed the subject. But I always felt what they said. I just kept my reaction well hidden to those I couldn't fully trust.

Which is why I couldn't understand how I didn't really feel anything when he told me. Not at first, anyway. Not for a while.

Somehow, Sollux slept through my phone ringing when I didn't. It was still dark, which meant it had to be obscenely early for anyone to be calling, but I still found this strange compulsion to answer. Afraid they'd hang up before I picked up, I struggled out from under the blanket and snatched up my phone, answering and whispering, "Hold on," before jogging into the living room. I had to unlock the bedroom door to get out.

Finally, I brought the phone to my ear as I sat heavily on the sofa. "Hello?" I asked groggily, realizing I'd been in too much of a hurry to check the caller ID.

 _"Karkat?"_ Now _there_ was a voice I hadn't heard in a while.

"Robert, the fuck are you doing calling me at... whatever the hell time it is? Darktime. Why are you calling me at darktime?"

 _"Can you stop fucking around for half a second and think about why I_ would _be calling you in the middle of the night? It's not exactly a friendly call."_ He sounded far more tired than I did. Cold dread sent a shiver down my spine.

"Something's wrong. Someone's hurt. Who's hurt? Is it bad?"

_"It's bad."_

"How bad?"

 _"You—"_ He stopped when his voice cracked, though from exhaustion or impending tears, I couldn't tell — and I was hoping beyond hope that it wasn't the latter. _"You know Kanaya, don't you? Kanaya Maryam?"_

_No._

"Yeah, I know Kanaya, she's like my best friend," I said hurriedly. "What happened? What happened to her? How bad is it, Rob?"

 _"K-Kanaya Dolorosa Maryam..."_ His voice cracked again, and this time he let it. _"...passed away at two-eighteen this morning."_

_No._

_"I've—"_ He stopped again and took a deep, shuddering breath. _"I've tried to contact her parents, but they're on vacation in Hawaii according to their voicemail, and I can't get through to the number they left. You're listed as an emergency contact, so I thought it would be best if I let you know."_

I'd stopped listening after he told me she was gone. Nothing else he could say really seemed important after that. "How did she—?" _Who said that? That wasn't me, that wasn't my voice... was it?_

 _"There was an accident. A car wreck. She was driving through the intersection of 63rd and North Portland Avenue and a car slammed into hers from the right side. There were four people in the other car, and they all had B.A.C. levels of at least .08. The two people in the front seat also died—"_ Also, what also, why was he saying also? _"—and the two who were sitting in the back are currently in critical condition. Karkat... the driver of the car that hit her was Trevor."_

Here I had thought that this call couldn't have gotten worse. Now that fucker was dead.

_"According to a witness, she had the right of way; her light was green and his was red and he shouldn't have hit her. But he was extremely drunk, B.A.C. .13, and was going at least fifteen miles over the speed limit, and I don't think he could have stopped in time anyway."_

I didn't say anything else. I couldn't. Words weren't even a concept in my mind. I couldn't control my mouth to form shapes. The only thought in my mind was that she wouldn't have died if she'd stayed here. _Hold on, what am I thinking? No. She's not dead. Abso-fucking-lutely not. He has to be wrong. She's not dead. She can't be dead. She isn't dead._

_"Are you still there, Karkat?"_

"Yeah." _Hey, who the fuck keeps saying this shit? 'Cause it isn't me. At least, I don't think it's me. Is it me?_ I wondered.

_"I'm so sorry. I know it can't mean much, but I did everything I could. I tried so hard to keep her with us. It's just that... sometimes, there just isn't anything you can do."_

"I know." _Whatever. I'm just going to let this voice answer him. It seems to be doing a fine fucking job of it._

_"And I'm sorry I woke you up. I would have called later if I'd thought to check the time."_

"I know."

 _"Okay. Try to go back to bed. You sound like you need some sleep,"_ he told me gently.

"Yeah." Just like that, the call was ended. "What an asshole," I said to myself. "That kind of shit's not funny. You can bet your ass I'm gonna give him so much shit for this stupid fucking prank next time I see him. Who even put him on to this?" I walked quietly back into the bedroom and numbly climbed the ladder to my bed, ignoring the strange, tiny puff of dust that rose up when I flopped down on my blanket. I felt weirdly hot, so rather than pulling it back and curling up beneath it, I simply closed my eyes and tried to sleep.

Sleep came frightfully easily.

* * *

_There's a weird darkness everywhere. It feels heavy, like it's not just darkness, like it's darkness and... something else. What else is still undetermined. The thick darkness fills your lungs, making your breaths slow and labored as you wander through the nothingness. Everything is black. Everything except the tiniest pinprick of light shining in the distance. You aim your footsteps towards it, trying hopelessly to maintain your bearings in the choking blackness. Too many times to count, you fall and have to pause to figure out which way is up before you can keep moving. The light is, very slowly, getting closer, it seems._

_Eventually, you make your way over to it. It looks like a window, four panes with two dividers crossing in the middle. You peek through it and your vision is met with an intersection. The signs read "N W 63rd St." and "PORTLAND Ave."_

_A well-maintained '07 silver Volkswagen Passat pulls smoothly up to the crosswalk on 63rd St., waiting for the red light to change. If you were to look through the window, you could just make out an equally well-maintained twenty-two year old woman with a short, outswept black pixie cut and almost black lipstick with a metallic jade green sheen that only she could pull off. Farther down Portland Ave., too far away to be anywhere near her line of sight, a green Chevy Avalanche speeds along the pavement. Inside the cab, the lights are on, you can hear the music from here, and the people in the back seat are standing up and leaning forward into the front. The driver repeatedly takes his hands off the wheel, and the car continually lurches into the empty oncoming lane until he regains control._

_The woman in the other car — someone you think you recognize but can't quite put a name to — slowly accelerates through the crosswalk and into the intersection as her light changes. Too fast, the other car drove up to the intersection. Her light is green. His is red. Something jolts in your heart, but something else tells you you'd rather not try to figure out why. Instead, you watch in enthralled horror as the truck carries on past the streetlight and into the intersection. The screaming of metal against metal meets your ears, along with the screaming of the terrified woman in the silver car._

_The truck slams to a halt faster than you thought was possible. The two men in the back crumple against each other and blood splatters the freshly shattered windshield from the man in the front passenger seat. The driver hangs limply over the steering wheel._

_The silver Volkswagen spins as it skids down the road, the woman inside clutching the wheel for her life. Time slows down and you're allowed to watch in slow motion everything from the crinkling of the metal as the car wraps itself around an electricity pole to the pole itself snapping wires and falling over her car, crushing in the top._

_A lonely brunette with striking blue eyes that cut through the darkness had stopped at the corner to wait for the light to change, and, consequently, she saw whole event. She stares for a moment until the silence broken only by the occasional crackle of electricity bears in on her and she yanks her phone out of her purse, dialing quickly. She speaks frantically into it, craning her neck to get a better view of the wreckage, although what she was saying, you couldn't tell. Everything seemed to be on mute after the violence of what you'd witnessed had played out, anyway. Slowly, the vaguely familiar woman on the sidewalk faded, and then everything around her, from the bloody carnage of the green vehicle to the quiet sense of loss surrounding the silver, faded too._

_The last thing to disappear was the oddly soothing orange light of the somehow unscathed streetlamp illuminating the crushed, battered, and broken Passat, and soon you were left in darkness once more._

* * *

My eyes shot open and I launched upward with a shout, memories of the call from the previous night immediately flooding back. Robert had told me how Kanaya died. That dream, that _nightmare,_ was just my mind piecing it together. It had to be. It _had_ to be. It had to. There was still this unignorable part of me that wanted to forget, that wanted to forever scratch the memory from all existence and pretend it never even happened, both the dream and the two AM phone call.

But I knew it happened. I knew anyway. I knew he wasn't wrong. I knew he wasn't lying. I knew it wasn't some kind of sick, twisted, terrible prank. Kanaya was dead. She was gone. All because I let her leave. She had been killed by my asshole ex-boyfriend, who had killed himself in killing her and brought some other poor bastard down with him. My asshole ex-boyfriend I couldn't even get back at now because he was already dead. Death was too good a punishment for him, too lenient. He killed Kanaya. He killed someone else. He killed _three_ people, himself included. He deserved worse.

Silence prompted my exit from the room. I walked out to find an empty house and a note on the door that said something about needing eggs. _Good,_ I thought. _Eggs sound good for breakfast. How did Kanaya like her eggs? I don't think I ever found out._ I pushed the thought away and dropped myself into the couch, the same exact spot I'd been in when I first heard about her death. The TV went on and Dark Alliance went in and before I knew it, I was staring at a dialogue box that told me my character was dead. My options were "Exit to Menu" or "Load."

Why couldn't I reload last night? Just go back to that point when Kanaya walked in and not kiss Sollux right then and then we all could just hang out and she might sleep over and then Trevor would hit some other car that didn't have Kanaya in it and just kill himself and not her. Where was the load option in life? There had to be one somewhere. Maybe in death there was one. Maybe she had reloaded and things had turned out differently somewhere else, in some other plane of existence, some other timeline. She had loaded her life and she was okay and we were all happy and everything was okay.

But that was somewhere else.

In this life, last night hadn't been reloaded, and she _was_ gone, and _nothing_ was okay. There was no "Load" option. She died and chose "Exit to Menu" and pulled out the memory card and corrupted her save and she _wasn't_ coming back. She just... wasn't coming back.

The door opened quickly, the knob banging loudly into the wall, and some painfully lost part of my heart said, "Kanaya's here!" and I almost believed it for a second. Then I heard the rustle of plastic grocery bags and logic overrode hope and I knew it wasn't her, it was just Sollux coming back with those damned eggs he'd gone to get. I quickly pressed load and started playing again, forcing my attention to stay on killing giant rats in the sewers and not drift or stray to thoughts of Kanaya watching Sollux and me plowing through the sewer like it was hardly even a level and killing the goblin king within a couple of minutes, or of Kanaya and Nepeta and Feferi bursting through the door and dragging us away in the middle of the boss to go bowling for Nep's birthday when my rib was still healing. I refused to allow my thoughts to dwell there and instead focused on — shit, I just died again.

"That'th' not right," Sollux commented, taking a seat so close that our legs were brushing as he rested his head on my shoulder. "You _never_ get killed by a giant rat, not even alone. And the death dialogue hath' obviouth'ly been up long enough to have burned into the plath'ma, which meanth' you've been th'itting here for fuck knowth' how long juth't th'taring at it. Th'omething'th' up. You okay?"

"No," I murmured, letting the controller fall to the floor and shifting so that I could curl up in his arm. He followed my actions and moved accordingly, pulling me up onto his lap and holding me tight against him.

"What happened?"

"Kanaya." He stiffened.

"What about her?" The cold tone in his voice dug right into my heart, and I immediately let out a groan and slammed my head into his chest. I didn't say anything, though. Just like last night, on the phone with Robert. I couldn't.

Something seemed to get through to him. His tone softened and he tucked my head under his chin, adjusting his grip and rocking me back and forth. "What about KN?"

"She's gone." The hollow voice that I guess came out of me was hardly a whisper, a scratchy and forlorn one at that.

"Gone?" he asked, stopping and moving his head to look at me. "What do you mean, gone?" Words failed me again and I shook my head, closing my eyes and falling against him. He seemed so sturdy. So strong. He could have protected her, if she'd been here. She wouldn't have gotten hit if she'd been here. He wouldn't have needed to. "You mean gone," he muttered, resuming his gentle rocking.

Suddenly tears were streaming down my face and I was clinging to Sollux for dear life and sobbing like if I didn't cry, I couldn't breathe. "She's gone," I screamed, the hollow whisper my voice had become forcing its way in and turning my scream to nothingness. "She's gone, she's gone and it's my fault, she's gone and she's not coming back, it's my fault she's gone, why is she gone, where did she go? Why is she gone?"

"I don't know, KK," he murmured, slowly carding his fingers through my hair, or scratching my back soothingly, all the while still rocking me. "I'm th'orry. I'm th'o th'orry." And with that, his voice broke and we sat and rocked together on the couch and Sollux broke down and cried with me. "I'm th'o th'orry, KK. I'm th'o, th'o th'orry." Not another word was exchanged between us for at least another hour, or what felt like one anyway. Just tears soaking each other's shirts and the shaking of sob-wracked bodies and a tangle of limbs that somehow equated to two grown men holding each other and crying violently on a couch that held too many memories.

"I can't do this, Sollux, I can't fucking do it," I sobbed.

Sollux had long since stopped actually crying and now resumed his soothing actions and continued to rock me like a child. "What?" he whispered back.

"I can't do this. Whatever this is. Fucking life. Kanaya. Why the fuck did she die? Fuck. Trevor."

"What'th' he got to do with anything?" he asked, his voice higher in bewilderment.

"He did it. He killed her. It's his fault. And now he's dead, too." I closed my eyes again and buried my face in his shirt. "It's my fault, too."

"KK, what the hell even happened?" _My bad for assuming he knew how she died,_ I thought.

"She was driving home from here," I murmured. "She was driving home and he was fucking drunk and he fucking hit her and they fucking died, him and Kanaya and some other asshole who was in the car with him. And the other two guys that were in his car are probably gonna die, too, and none of it would have fucking happened if I hadn't been a greedy little fuck and tried to make you do some stupid gushy romantic shit right when she walked in, 'cause if I hadn't we all would have just hung out and played video games and she would have slept over and not driven home and that dick wouldn't have fucking hit her when he ran that fucking red light and it's all my fucking fault." Tears streamed openly again as I clung tighter to him.

"It'th' not your fault. No matter what, it'th' not your fault. Don't think that."

"But it is my fault," I murmured quietly.

"No, it ith'n't. I'm sure she wouldn't think it ith', either." He kissed the top of my head and readjusted his arms around me, moving so that more of my weight was on a different part of his lap. "I can't believe she'th' actually gone. She wath' juth't here lath't night. Leth' than twenty-four hourth' ago, she wath' th'tanding in our kitchen. And the lath't thing I th'aid to her... the lath't thing I did wath' threaten her for th'omething she didn't even know about. I never even apologized. After she left, I thought, 'There'th' alwayth' tomorrow, I can alwayth' call to apologize tomorrow,' and now there ith' no tomorrow."

He sniffed and I looked up to see tears streaming silently down his cheeks. One dripped off his chin and landed on my hand. I reached up and wiped away another drop, and another, and brushed away more from his cheek and eyelids. Soon my hand was more wet than dry, soaked in his tears for the friend he ended up losing anyway. "What did she do to deth'erve that, Karkat?" he asked softly, pressing his cheek into my hand and screwing up his eyes tightly against the sob building in his chest. "If anyone deth'erved to die lath't night, it would b—"

"Don't. Sollux. Just... don't."

"Okay." I took my palm off his cheek and moved it instead to his hand, grasping it awkwardly but holding it anyway because I felt like he needed that. He squeezed and I squeezed back, and he held me tighter and buried his face in my hair and sobbed silently against me, shaking and holding my hand tightly. Occasionally, he let out this little whimper, and when he did, I just squeezed his hand again and let him squeeze mine back. After a while, he stopped shaking with his sobs, and a few minutes after that, tears stopped coming entirely and we simply sat on the couch.

"What did you get at the store?" I asked quietly.

"Nothing important," he replied, his voice cracked. "Juth't th'ome shit I wath' gonna make breakfath't with." He stared at the TV for a moment before taking the TV controller off the couch and turning it off. "I gueth' I should have figured th'omething wath' wrong when I woke up and you were ath'leep in your own bed. At firth't I thought maybe you were mad at me, but I kinda toth'ed that thought and tried to keep buth'y with other shit, like breakfast." He hesitated before speaking again. "I called her thith' morning, you know. I called her houth'e and left a meth'age apologizing for last night. She'th' never gonna hear it. She'th' never gonna know I didn't mean the shit I th'aid. She'th' not gonna fucking know."

"Sollux."

"I know. It'th' juth't. It'th' hard to come to termth' with."

"Yeah," I agreed. "It really is. I'm not gonna see her anymore. She's never gonna talk to me again, or drag me off to do some convoluted bullshit with her, like this one time she and Nep kidnapped me and made me go shopping with them. She's not gonna come over and have dinner with us anymore... Oh, shit. Our dinners aren't gonna be the same without her. I wonder if Nepeta or Feferi know yet. Probably not."

"How did you find out, anyway?"

"Robert called last night. I'm surprised you slept through it. Speaking of calls, I should probably call Nep. She's gonna wanna know."

"You go do that. I'm th'till gonna make breakfath't, th'o I'll get on cooking while you call her."

"Yeah, okay." With that, I slid off his lap onto the couch then stood up and walked into the bedroom to grab my phone from where I'd set it on the nightstand the night before. I took a deep breath and quickly dialed Nepeta's phone, sitting down on Sollux's bed as I waited for her to answer.

_"Karkitty! I haven't heard from you in a while, you never call me! What's up?"_

I sighed internally. She sounded like she was in a good mood. I hated to ruin that. "Oh, uh... hey, where are you right now?"

_"I'm just at home, sitting on my bed and doodling."_

"Okay. Uh... s-something happened."

_"Uh, oh. Something bad?"_

"Uhm... yeah, something bad." My voice wavered a bit, so I swallowed the knot building in the back of my throat before telling her. "Kanaya was... she came to visit us, last night. She left at, like, ten. You, uh, y-you remember Rob, right? Robert Baas?"

_"Yeah, but what does he have to do with Kanaya?"_

"He's a doctor, Nep. When Kanaya left last night... there was somebody else on the road. Driving drunk. She pulled into an intersection and he didn't stop at the red light and he broadsided her and... Robert called me this morning. At one in the morning or something. He said that... he told me she passed away."

For a minute, there was nothing. Just silence on the other line. Then out of nowhere came this horrible, screaming cry. The phone made a jumbled crackling noise and the cry came again, farther away sounding. She must have dropped it. Heavy footsteps thudded loud enough that I could hear them through the phone, and I figured my dad had rushed into her room when he heard her.

 _"Nepeta, sweetie, calm down. What's the matter, honey, what's wrong?"_ Instead of answering, she scream-sobbed again. I could see her sitting on her bed, hugging her knees to her chest and screaming into them as she rocked herself, and I hated myself for doing that to her. _"Is this — hello?"_ Suddenly my father's voice was in my ear.

"Hey, Dad."

 _"Karkat? What happened? What did you say to her that would make her cry like this?"_ he asked sternly.

"I'm just... I'm passing on some bad news. Our friend Kanaya died last night."

 _"Oh. That's a real shame,"_ he said, his tone softer.

"Yeah. I wanted to let Nep know because they were... we were _all_ really close." Just as I said that, I looked up and caught sight of Kanaya's birthday present to me; that beautifully intricate silver frame around a glossy photo of her, me, and Sollux, and it almost brought me to tears again. "Look, I gotta go," I added, my voice breaking. "Tell Nep I love her, okay?"

_"Yeah, sure. We'll talk some other time, you and me."_

"Okay. 'Bye, Dad."

_"'Bye, Karkat. I love you."_

"Love you, too." He ended the call and I set the phone gently back on the nightstand. I glanced back at the photo. "'Bye, Kanaya. Love you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Review, I guess? Share your tears. I'll share mine, too. :'(


	16. Such Bittersweet Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Ppppppppllllllllooooooootttttttt... So much plot. o_o I had a great amount of fun writing this chapter. It gave me a lot of good practice writing a way I normally wouldn't, too, and for that I'm glad. And I did quite enjoy coming up with a backstory for Porrim, not to mention Sollux's speech impediments were immense fun to write and that whole last paragraph in the dream with Karkat wasn't added until I'd almost finished, but I'm really happy with the way it turned out. Speaking of Sollux's speech impediments, the "I" rule is that any "I" sound as in "lie" or "in" got stretched, but "I" sounds that were actually long E sounds, like in "earlier," didn't. And my innocent little Karkat baby... Sollux corrupted him within ten minutes of having met him. XD
> 
> Again, blame school for the abnormally long wait. And also I got in a fight with my best friend and it left me feeling like absolute shit for like three days and I didn't do anything then except cry to my boyfriend about what a shitty friend I am, which in turn made me cry harder because I was just using him then as a backboard for all my shitty emotional problems and it was making me feel like a bad girlfriend, too, and it just wasn't a good couple of days that could have easily been avoided but I'm glad happened because I think they needed to. Anyway, now her and I are all better again I think and my incredible boyfriend only ever rarely gets mad at me so him and I are definitely good and I got a huge morale boost from one of my guy friends today because he was just being a great friend and saying super sweet things about how I needed to smile and I got trapped in a bus seat with him today and he spent the whole bus ride talking to me and actually listening to me and letting me cry against him and I just really needed that. So life's better again and I'm getting back into the horrible groove of school and it's all just so exhausting and okay, let's move on with the story because I'm sure all this boring shit about me is just that; boring and uninteresting and you're just here for SolKat.
> 
> GUYS MY FRIEND DREW A FANART (ironically, the same friend I was talking about having fought with last paragraph). If you wanna go see it, check tumblr tag "SolKat (Broken Thoughts) art" and maybe follow me (professor-snap) if you want. That tag's where I'll put all of my fanart for this story. My other friend is drawing me a thing and somebody else just offered to draw me a thing and so much yes, I'm gonna cry, I'm so happy. All I want is for this story to be one of those that can make people happy (wow this is not the chapter to write that on. Or maybe it is? I guess I mean in an overall sense) and for people to be making me fanart means that's a dream I'm very gradually getting closer to achieving and thank you all for sticking with me and reviewing and stuff and I hope more than anything that this story from nowhere brought even a little bit of joy to you at some point because all I really wanna do is make people happy. :) You're all wonderful, amazing people, and I thank you so much for letting me be a part of your life. Cheesy as fuck ranting over with, now let's really move on.
> 
> Chapter Sixteen my friends, read on.

I returned to the kitchen minutes later. Hiding evidence of my most recent tears was no easy feat. Sollux stood in front of the stove, watching two pans and occasionally nudging their contents with a spatula. I walked up behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist, stretching up on my tip-toes to rest my head on his shoulder. He smiled softly and let his head fall gently against mine. No words were said; none were needed. It was nice to just hold him, because so often, he was the one holding me, and now it seemed like he needed the comfort of being held more than I did.

I watched him cook for a bit longer before pressing a quick kiss to his cheek and walking slowly to the dining room table. Soon, I sat with my head against the table, exhaustion from a poor nights' sleep catching up with me. Within seconds, the sharp clank of the aluminum spatula against the cast iron pans faded and I drifted silently into a hazy doze.

* * *

_"Alright, say 'Mississippi!'" you demand._

_"Why-y should I-I?" he replies, prolonging his "I" sounds in the strange way that he does. "Mi-ith'i-ith'i-ippi-i," he murmurs softly to himself._

_You laugh. "That sounds so weird when you say it."_

_"Shut up, wi-ill you! I-It'th' not my-y fault my-y mouth doeth'n't work the way that i-it should!"_

_"Leave him alone already! Can you not see that you're upsetting him?" A young girl speaks from behind you. You turn your head and see none other than the same leadership volunteer, teacher's pet, and Far More Sophisticated Than Is Necessary straight-A student you've been going to school with since fourth grade, miss Kanaya Maryam. Even now it's easy to see that she's trying too hard to break free of her sister's shadow. Porrim Maryam, her older sister of two years, is the perfect student; clean track record, no detentions, no tardies or absences, always does her homework, gets first in her year_ every _year since fourth grade, not to mention she does volunteer community service on the weekends and runs for Student Body President (and wins) whenever the opportunity arises. She's easily the "better" sister of the two, according to the adults._

_Personally, you can't see what Kanaya has to be worried about. Sure, she isn't as good as her sister at some things. She only ever gets second place in top grades at the end of the year, even in the two years her sister went to a different school, and sometimes she can't finish her assignments on time. She's been seen in detention on occasion, and she's also been known to disrupt the rare class period by bursting in five minutes after the bell rings. But nobody's perfect, and this eleven year old Cambodian girl is no exception._

_"I'm not upsetting anybody Kanaya, mind your own business," you shoot sharply at her, turning back to the boy._

_"Yeah, mi-ind your own buth'i-ineth'," he adds._

_You snicker and bury your face against your shoulder. "It sounds funny when you say business, too."_ It's kind of adorable, _you think sheepishly._ Wait, where did that come from?

_"Th'top i-it!"_

_"I'm not making fun of you, you know."_

_He raises an eyebrow at you, cocking his head slightly. "Li-ike hell you aren't."_

_"Hey, you shouldn't say things like 'hell.' It's isn't nice. But yeah, I'm not laughing at you. I think the way you talk is pretty cool, actually."_

_"I-I don't thi-ink that could have been a more blatant li-ie i-if you'd th'ai-id outri-ight, 'I-I'm ly-ying, by-y the way.'"_

_"But I'm not! I like the way you talk."_

_"That'th' alth'o a li-ie. I-I know becauth'e i-it'th' not poth'i-ible to li-ike th'omething, or some_ one, _that th'oundth' thi-ith' th'tupi-id."_

_"That's not true," you murmur shyly. "I think your... what's it called, lithp? I think it's really awesome."_

_"I-It'th' not pronounth'ed 'li-ith'p, dumbath',' i-it'th' pronounth'ed... fuck. I-It_ i-ith' _'li-ith'p,' but you pronounth'e i-it wi-ith an eth' th'ound. I-I can't not li-ith'p i-it, and whoever the hell came up wi-ith that word wath' a th'i-ick, twi-ith'ted bath'tard."_

_"Seriously, you shouldn't curse. And 'eth?' The heck is an 'eth?' Eth. Eth. Oh, ess! I get it. So it's a 'lisp' then?"_

_"Yeah, that'th' it. I-It'th' not cool or funny, i-it'th' really annoying and i-it fuckth' up what I-I th'ay th'o bad that people have trouble underth'tanding me. I-I'm taking th'peech therapy to get i-it under control, but I-I've been i-in i-it for a couple years and i-it doeth'n't th'eem to be helping at all."_

_"No, it's totally cool. I'd love to have a lisp. I guess I can just pretend to have one, like juth't th'tart lith'ping becauth'e I can."_

_"Don't do that, i-it'th' not funny! KN, can you tell hi-im to shut up?" You look at him in confusion until you realize that KN is short for Kanaya._ What's with the two-letter shorthand? _you wonder._

_Looking back, you watch her cross her arms and close her eyes, turning her head in a snobbish manner and stating, "I'm sorry, I can't do that. I'm minding my own buth'i-ineth', remember?" You nearly snort in laughter, because for once, her contemptuous scorn isn't directed at you._

_"God, you're uth'eleth'," he mutters._

_"Don't call her useless!" you snap immediately, whipping back around and glaring at him. "She works harder than anybody and people still ignore her sometimes 'cause of Porrim, 'cause adults are mean and horrible and they don't stop to think about what their kids need. I'm here complementing the way you talk and you're cursing and calling people useless, what if I called_ you _useless because of your stupid speech impediments? You wouldn't like it, would you? So how about you shut the frick up and leave her alone? And speaking of leaving people alone, I don't think I really wanna talk to you anymore, 'cause you're just as mean as all those idiots who forget about Kanaya."_

 _He stares at you as if you'd just done the most ultimately unexpected thing._ Dangit, now he's not gonna wanna be my friend. The frick was I thinking? _you ask yourself harshly. "...You really noticed all that?" Kanaya's soft voice comes from behind you again. You turn to her and feel this ridiculous blush rising on your cheeks._

_"Well... yeah. I mean, i-it's not like it's obvious or anything! I just... I notice — noticed — a lot of things that other people don't think about because... nobody liked me in fourth grade. Or fifth. B-But I have friends now, so it doesn't matter." She smiles quietly at you and walks closer, until she's mere inches away._

_"I think it is wonderful that you notice things like that, but I am highly embarrassed to say that I don't even know your name," she admits, a similar blush rising in her own cheeks._

_"Oh, I'm uh... I'm Karkat. Vantas."_

_"Karkat?" the lisping twelve year old cuts in with a giggle. "The fuck ki-ind of name i-ith' that?"_

_You growl under your breath and sneer at him. "My kind of name, you... you... you ass!"_

_"Oh, look who fi-inally came out of hi-ith' cocooned li-ittle comfort zone," he teases, grinning at you with a face full of metal. Sun glints off his braces as he adds, "Come on, try-y i-it agai-in. Th'wear."_

_You can almost_ taste _the smug superiority rolling off of him in waves. "Why would I do that? I'm not gonna use that kind of language just 'cause you tell me to."_

 _"Fi-ine," he shrugs, taking a step towards you. You don't think anything of it until he gets just as close as Kanaya is. "I-In that cath'e, I-I'll juth't have to_ make you!" _With that, he grins wildly and shoves you back roughly into the empty hallway._

_"Hey, what the fffffrick!" you shout, hopping back to avoid another push. The empty school campus is so ominous; it's just the three of you in the sixth graders' hall. All the teachers are in the lounge or office doing teacher things and now you're here getting pushed around by some kid you don't even know because you didn't want to walk home yet._

_All because you wanted to make at least one friend in this town that had all-but forgotten you._

_All because you wouldn't swear at him._

_It only takes that one thought for your whole mind-set to change, and in that change, you get the idiotic idea to simply do what he tells you to._

_Just as he reaches out to push you again, you manage to stop his hands with yours and knock them away before moving yours to his chest and pushing him back so hard he falls on his butt — you mean, ass. "What the fuck is your problem, you piece of shit?!"_ Holy _damn_ that felt good, _you notice. "What in the hell are you fucking shoving me around for, asshole? Is it fucking_ fun _pushing me?"_

_"Hey, there you go. Now you're th'tarting to fucking get i-it," he tells you from the concrete with a self-satisfied smirk, propping himself up on his elbows._

_You know a few cuss words. Nowhere near enough to maintain the level of cussing you're planning on attaining without beginning to sound repetitive, though. You figure this gives you a perfect opportunity to create some cuss words of your own. "Listen, fuckass, next time you wanna be an assbiting fuckpod,_ kindly _leave me out of it, 'cause the last fucking thing I need is some douchebag fuckhole—"_

_"God, could you stop that?!" Kanaya's normally calm, collected voice bursts out with a fury you wouldn't have expected in a hundred years. "It's bad enough I had to watch you two hitting each other, now you're swearing and you both sound so patronizing and... eugh, just shut up!"_

_"KN—"_

_"Why are you calling me that?"_

_"I-It'th' eath'ier than 'Kanay-ya,'" he offers, shrugging. She growls softly under her breath. The kid stands up and walks over to you again, this time in a much less threatening way. "Name'th' Th'ollukth', by-y the way," he says calmly. "That'th' wi-ith an eth' and an ekth'. And KN, we weren't hi-itting each other." Out of nowhere, Sollux's fist pulls back then flies into the side of your head, knocking you brutally to the ground._

_The last thing you hear before you pass out completely is,_ "That _wath' me hi-itting hi-im."_

* * *

The first conversation I ever had with Kanaya played through my mind while I slept. It also happened to be the first time I met Sollux, who was a skinny, lispy little fuck even back then with a problem making any "I" sound and an undiagnosed emotional disorder. Kanaya was a sweet, soft-spoken girl with medium-brown hair and a desperate desire for acceptance, both from her peers and her parents. Her parents were good folk, really, save for the fact that they revered their older daughter as a perfect child and Kanaya was always the afterthought.

In my opinion, Porrim was a wannabe rebel, stuck-up feminist until her senior year, when she finally caught on and chilled the fuck out. That was the year she got her piercings and, due to her long-standing personal friendship with the superintendent, got away with wearing ridiculously low v-neck dresses and midriff shirts when other girls got stopped for a bra strap showing. That was the year she decided she was the hottest shit on the planet, stopped giving a single shit about her grades, and began going to parties with the popular kids. That was the year not-so-false rumors of her flings with members of the football team, as well as the cheerleaders, quickly flooded the campus. She took them all in her stride, even proving some true when pressured. That was the year I lost any grudging respect I'd built for her.

Kanaya, on the other hand, took her sister's lapse in give-a-fuck as an opportunity to finally beat her. By the end of her sophomore year, the younger Maryam had surpassed her sister at the top of her class, and Porrim almost didn't get to walk, much less graduate with Salutatorian or Valedictorian. Kanaya, on the other hand, worked even harder throughout the next few years and graduated at the top of her class with honors and a satiny Valedictorian sash to complete the look. We went to a pool party later as our first act as non-students, and I found the exact same sash hung from the ceiling, my clothes tied to it and me left nearly naked. She always told me Vriska talked her into that one, but I always got the feeling it was her idea all along.

A gentle thud on the table broke me out of my sleepy daze. Looking up, I found before me a plate containing two pancakes, a few strips of bacon, and of course, a couple of eggs, easy over. Beside the plate rested a fork and knife atop a napkin, and more towards the center of the table was a large creamer cup filled with my favorite cherry syrup. Rather than sitting across from me, Sollux dragged a chair around and took a seat directly next to me. I saw it as the perfect chance to thank him for cooking for me, and did so with a gentle kiss on the cheek. I quickly tucked into my meal and finished just before he did.

When Sollux finished his meal, I took his plate and put them both in the sink, rinsing off the syrup and ketchup so it wouldn't become a thick, sticky, syrupy mess. Looking back, I saw my boyfriend playing my game as Allessia on Dark Alliance. I leaped onto the couch and quickly joined in as Ysuran. "Swap," I murmured. He nodded and we switched controllers so smoothly our characters didn't even stop walking. Forcing myself to focus on the game kept my mind off of other things — off of Kanaya. I couldn't help but feel grateful for the mind-numbing monotony of playing through a game I'd completed so many times I lost count.

At some point, I felt my eyelids drooping and realized I was still tired. When we were in an empty passageway, I paused the game. Sollux looked at me quizzically and I blinked back, murmuring quietly, "I'm so tired. I think I need a nap." His eyebrow furrowed and without hesitation he stood and picked me up, same way he picked me up when he was taking me to the hospital _months_ ago. It was almost enough to make me smile. Rather, I growled, "That doesn't mean I can't walk, fuckass."

He silenced any further protests with a kiss pressed to my forehead and replied, "Shut up and let me carry you." Soon enough, he was setting me lightly on his bed, tucking me in like a fucking seven year old. It was oddly reassuring. I'm not sure why, but as he started to leave, I reached out and grabbed his arm. I think it was that I couldn't bear the thought of being alone.

"Please stay," I whispered. He nodded, and I pushed myself towards the inside of the bed as he lay on top of the blanket, curled beside me.

Nothing was said for a while. It was just me thinking, and looking at him, and admiring everything about him. _What if it had been him last night?_ I wondered. _What if I'd made Kanaya stay here and he left in some blind rage and drove to Feferi's. He would have had to go the same way. He would have had to go through the intersection of 63rd and Portland Avenue. That would have been at the same time she drove through. Trevor would have hit him, and our rusted old piece-of-shit pickup wouldn't stand even half as much of a chance against Trevor's massive-ass truck. It would have torn ours in half like a knife through butter. It would have made Sollux into mincemeat. Trevor probably wouldn't have even stopped. He would have counted it as another point for his revenge against me, somewhere in his alcohol flooded brain, he would have made the connection from Captor to Vantas and he would have reveled in the fact that he'd broken me down further._

"Hey. Are you okay?" Sollux voice sounded quietly in my ear. I wasn't sure why he was asking until his thumb brushed against my cheek. _I must have been crying,_ I thought numbly. _Again._

"No." He nudged himself forward and kissed me, so softly it was like he wasn't even there.

"I'm th'orry."

"What are you sorry about?"

"Everything. The world'th' a th'orry plath'e." I wanted to think about his words, wanted to find the deeper meaning, but I was too tired to think anymore.

Instead, I curled up next to him, me in my pajamas and him in jeans and a tee-shirt, and said the only thing that came to mind; "I love you." _Shit._ I closed my eyes and forced myself not to make excuses for that. I wasn't sure why I said it. I wasn't sure I felt it. But that warmth that I only ever felt with him had to be something, and our relationship wasn't one where you had to be dating for six-plus months before you could tell if you'd be compatible with each other. We'd known each other for years. We were both so fucked up. And we both didn't care. The only thing the two of us had cared about in our friendship was each other, now doubly so with dating. We knew we worked well together. As friends, as lovers — even when it was still weird to think of us as such. I'd felt so strongly for him for so long without return, it still sounded unreal to call him my boyfriend, sounded impossible that I'd achieved something so incredible. _Does that mean it's too early to tell him I love him? If I'm not even entirely comfortable with calling him my boyfriend, does that mean it's weird for me to tell him that? How am even I thinking this? My brain is fucking Jello, I'm too tired for this shit._ I tried to shake the thought. I didn't want to keep figuring out different ways or reasons for me to have fucked up again.

A deep kiss shook me out of my self-inflicted micro-terror, making my eyes shoot open in surprise. I'd been expecting maybe a conciliatory hug and the ever-worrysome, "I think it'th' too early to be th'aying that." Fear was a great manipulator in relationships. You could spend years with nothing but hugs and kisses and still say you're in a happy relationship because saying anything else would upset your partner and you were too afraid to initiate romance beyond that which had already been done. Saying "I love you" was generally considered one of the more major milestones in any relationship. It was generally something that affected your attitude towards each other a hundredfold, even in the smallest way.

It was generally something you didn't say to someone for the first time less than twenty-four hours after a good friend of yours died.

And yet, here we were, me with a tentative, hopeful smile and a more violent blush than I'd ever endured and him with one almost half as bright and a grin nearly twice as wide. My smile grew to rival his when he whispered, "I love you, too, KK." I couldn't think of anything to say in reply, so I just kissed him back.

"I didn't mean to say that," I murmured, my lips still pressed against his. My eyes remained wide open, unblinking and boring into his.

"I had a feeling you didn't. You do mean it though, right?"

"Yeah," I answered, nervousness making my stomach churn. "I do. I really do. I love you a lot. Sometimes you do something or you say something and I just get this warm feeling and everything's good for a bit, and I don't feel bad about smiling then. Like the stars aligned just right and they made time slow down and everything gets really okay for a while. Everything gets... better. All because of you, and this great warm feeling you give me when you do certain things. It doesn't even have to be anything fancy. Just mundane little things; like watching you cook earlier, or when you came and sat by me on the couch this morning. Or the way you looked at me... y-yesterday. After you asked if I could help you with your meds. Just little things."

My voice had gotten more quiet when I brought up yesterday. I couldn't believe that it was just yesterday that we'd — that _I'd_ sucked him off. And while I was busy, while my mouth was full of him, Kanaya was probably being rushed into the back of an ambulance. The perversity of that thought paired with the anxiety I'd gotten telling Sollux I loved him was making me feel sick. I shook my head and forced myself to think of something else; Sollux's medication was first to come to mind.

"Speaking of your meds," I began, looking at him expectantly.

"I took them this morning." There was a slight exasperation to his tone, but also a deep running affection.

"Good." I closed my eyes and rolled over so that I faced the wall. Then I scooted back until I was lying flush against him. He kissed the back of my neck and wrapped an arm loosely around my stomach.

"I love you, KK," he whispered into my ear. "I love you th'o much and I wanted to th'ay that a long time ago but I had to let you th'ay it firth't becauth'e I didn't want to freak you out or anything and—"

"Shut up. I know how you are." He kissed my neck again and I snuggled closer to him. "I'm gonna take a nap."

"Alright. I'll th'tay here with you, okay?"

"Mm-hmm." He held me close and nuzzled his face into my neck. The warmth of his breath was the last thing I felt before sleep overcame me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Review babies~


	17. No Swearing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Wow, okay, it's been a while (overtwomonthsI'msosorryandembarrassedohmygod). For that I apologize. A lot of things have been happening, mostly school related, but I didn't write at all some weekends because, long story short, me and my wonderful boyfriend just had our one-year anniversary, which doesn't sound like much, except that it is because I'm so broken and he doesn't care and we're 3000+ miles away, me in CA, him in RI (which I believe I may have mentioned before?). Also I was supposed to go to my parents' house twice in two consecutive weekends, which was at _most_ a nice opportunity to pick up the last of my shit from there. Mostly school, though. The ever-present grades debacle, you know the drill. It's so much worse with my grandparents as far as their constant questions and actual interest in my life, which sounds kind of sick as far as my familial relationships, but that's to be expected. Anyway.
> 
> HOLY DAMN SOMEBODY DREW ME FANART WITHOUT BEING FORCED TO. GO SEND [KUROSAKE](https://www.fanfiction.net/~kurosake) ALL OF YOUR LOVE. You may either check my fanart [tag](http://professor-snap.tumblr.com/tagged/SolKat-%28Broken-Thoughts%29-art) or go look on [Kurosake's tumblr](http://kurosake01.tumblr.com/tagged/solkat%28broken-thoug%20hts%29art) (it's not the really giant one at top, you have to scroll down to see it). I think I'm just gonna put fanart on a page on my tumblr when I get back home.
> 
> Also I got like the best review I've gotten yet on the last chapter?/? /? So huge shout-out to [BleuFlyinKittensTimesInfinty](https://www.fanfiction.net/~BleuFlyinKittensTimesInfinty) for being amazing and wow. *blush*
> 
> Lastly, I just want to (again again) apologize for the lateness of this chapter, just school and friend issues and other cool things like guitar and I'm teaching myself HTML coding and *insert other lame-ass excuse here* and, all in all, I'm sorry. I want to write, I feel like I've sat here forever trying to think of something to write and just not being able to, so basically, fuck writer's block, fuck school, fuck homework, fuck guitar, fuck coding, fuck the vast majority of my friends (or I'd like to, anyway *wonk*), and fuck fucking everything. I'm so sick of shit. Mostly myself. But you know. Anyway, this is about the span you should be expecting between chapters during the school year. This one was a bit exaggerated, but not entirely unrealistic.
> 
> Chapter Seventeen already, oh my god that seems like a lot. Read on, friends.

The smoke alarm blared through the house, causing me to jerk awake and leap out of bed. Sollux was, obviously, no longer lying beside me, so I imagined only he could be the reason it went off. Hurrying out of the bedroom, I looked in the kitchen to find my assumption proved correct: a flustered Sollux was ferociously beating the air around the alarm with a dish towel whilst simultaneously attempting to do... _something_ with the stove.

"Sollux!" I yelled over the rapid beeps. He turned to me, relief lightening his expression. "What the fuck is going on here?"

"I'll ekth'plain in a th'ec, firth't, come do thith'!" he yelled back, nodding at the towel in his hand. I stared up at alarm mounted on the ceiling. _I can't reach the cabinet above the fridge. What in the sweet almighty taintchaffing fuck makes you think I can reach the fire alarm?_ I thought, giving him a withering glare. He seemed to realize his mistake after I didn't react to move, and the hint of a smirk graced his lips as he amended, "Take the cookie sheet out of the oven, then!" _Now_ that's _something I can do._ I grabbed an oven mitt off the counter and boldly reached into the smoke-clouded oven, feeling for something remotely sheet-like through the thick fabric. Coincidentally, the instant I pulled it out, the smoke alarm stopped and Sollux let out a heavy sigh, dropping his arms and tossing the rag where the mitt had previously lain.

"Thankth', KK," he said, grinning. To anyone else, the smile looked heartfelt. To me, it looked incontestably hollow.

I glanced at the charred lumps on the cookie sheet with a raised eyebrow and asked, "Were they cookies?"

He chuckled. "Uh, yeah, 'were' ith' a good word for them."

My brow crinkled into a much more uneasy frown. "You burnt them." His smile widened but his eyes narrowed.

"Yeah, th'o?" he asked, his voice higher than it should have been.

"You don't burn things. You never burn things." His smile held out for a couple more seconds before he dropped it with a sigh and slouched against the counter.

"Yeah. I know," he muttered. I stepped forward and leaned back beside him.

"You okay?"

"I'm okay."

"You don't look okay."

"Karkat, I'm fine."

A smile tugged at my lips. "I know you say you're fine, but I know you, Sollux, well enough to know that you may _say_ you're fine even when you are the exact fucking opposite of fine." He laughed softly and looked at me. I, in turn, looked up and met his gaze.

"You're th'uch a dork."

"Not as much as you."

"I love you." Now I _really_ broke into a grin.

"And what if _I,"_ I began, only slightly stepping forward as I turned so I could more easily lock my arms around his neck, "said that I love you, too?"

A genuine smile lit up his expression. "You would make me a very happy dork."

"Consider yourself a happy dork, then," I replied, pressing a gentle kiss to his lips.

"Th'orry for the rude awakening," he murmured, holding me tight against him. It suddenly felt like I was the only thing anchoring him to any semblance of normal, and for him to let go would send us both spiraling into oblivion. "I kind of forgot about them."

"What, the cookies, you mean?"

"Ekth'-cookieth', but yeah. Charcoal now."

"It's probably good that I woke up anyway. Now I can enjoy these delicious cookies you made." The look he gave me was pure disbelief. He continued to stare until I slapped his chest lightly and added, "I'm joking, idiot."

"Oh. Oh, of courth'e." I knew he was blushing in embarrassment before I even looked up.

"Let's go sit on the couch. I'm too fucking tired to be standing."

"You juth't th'lept for three hourth', bullshit you're tired." I turned around and grabbed his wrists, dragging him slowly after me as I made my way to the living room.

"Tired as in drowsy, dumbfuck. Don't question me."

"I'll question you all I want, KK, don't tell me what to do," he replied, a teasing smile evident in his voice. I responded by shoving him back on the couch and falling heavily onto him, eliciting a surprised "oof" from my new couch cushion. "Ugh, fine, I won't question you if you're gonna keep falling on me."

"One of two ways I know to shut you up quick," I told him smugly, snuggling against his chest as he wrapped his arm around me again.

"Oh? And what'th' the other one?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?" He sneered and I stretched up and kissed him. "I'll find a third if you don't shut your lispy fucking face and snuggle with me, dammit."

He kissed me back and let slip the tiniest of smiles. "Then why don't you get off me and I'll get uth' a blanket? You can pick a movie to watch, if you'd like." I indulged him and scooted onto the couch, silently mourning the loss of heat as he stood.

"What time is it?"

"Quarter after th'even." Given Sollux's lack of having specified a genre and my opportunistic advantage over the time before ridiculous o'clock, I had Titanic in the DVD player before he even got back. "Oh, you've gotta be shitting me," he groaned, noting the title screen as he tossed the blanket on the couch.

"Your first mistake," I stated, grinning with triumph, "was _not_ telling me I couldn't." Together we spread out the comforter and then I was back in his arms, nuzzling my face against him as the movie played. By the end of it, we were both in tears, which surprised me because Sollux had never cried at this movie in the past, all those times I'd forced him to watch it with me. I felt Kanaya had something to do with it. That _wouldn't_ have surprised me in the slightest. I turned off the TV and just sat with him in silence for some immeasurable amount of time. He yawned and I found my window for conversation.

Before I could say anything, however, he spoke up. "It'th' getting late. We should get to bed." In all honestly, I wasn't particularly all that tired myself, most likely due to my nap, but Sollux was tired and I didn't want to be anywhere but by his side right then, so I nodded and started to get up. He held me back and wrapped the blanket tighter around us, essentially pinning me between the cushions and himself. "Nah-uh. I am _way_ too fucking lazy to bother with moving right now. Th'tay here."

I strained against his grip, grumbling, "It's not like I have much fucking choice in the matter."

"Ekth'actly." Giving up, I growled to myself and stopped struggling. He pressed a kiss to my forehead as pay back for my surrender. "Good boy."

I glared at him. "You wanna fucking try that again?" His infuriating smirk met my words and he kissed me again.

"Maybe."

"Ha-fuckity-fucking-ha." He just rolled his eyes and finally relaxed against me. We lay together for a while more, the gentle whirring of the still-on PS2 filling the silence and our soft breaths warming the air. "I had a dream earlier," I murmured, locking my arms around him.

"Oh?"

"Yeah." I was about to tell him about my nightmare with Kanaya and Trevor when a strange sensation of foreboding came over me. _I can't tell him. Not that,_ I thought with eerie certainty. _Not right now, anyway. Not yet._ That option gone, my other dream came to mind; more of a memory than a dream, in any case. "Remember when we met for the first time?"

"Yeah," he replied, a perverse smile forming. "You didn't curth'e at all before I met you. Then we th'poke and I think I broke you."

"Oh, ha-ha, that's cute, no. Shut the fuck up, that's not what I was talking about."

"Th'ay 'frick.'"

"No."

"Th'ay 'shut the frick up.'"

"Fucking no!"

"Do it."

"God fucking dammit, Sollux, I will not say it, you're such a prick-ass little bitch, I do not need to deal with this shit."

"Yeth', you do. Th'ay it."

"Sollux!" I snapped. "Stop trying to get me to say it, I'm not going to say it, so fuck o—"

"KK, juth't do—"

 _"Gah, shut the frick up, you butthead!"_ As soon as I said it, I slapped my hand over my mouth and turned florid, at the height of embarrassment. "Shoot, I did _not_ mean to say that, gosh darnit — _I-I mean, no, fuck, goddammit, god, fuck, jesus, dick!"_ After my bout of censorship, Sollux erupted into laughter. "God, you complete fucking cockwhore, that was not funny, shut up, it's not my fucking fault, I fucking stopped, didn't I, stop fucking running your stupid fucking shitty goddamn mouth and fucking laughing at me, you bitch-ass fucking asshole-biting dipfuck!"

He ignored me and rolled onto his back, holding his stomach as he shook with giggle after nasally giggle. I took this golden opportunity to shove him off the couch. He was still convulsing with laughter when I stood up and walked into the bedroom, slamming the door behind me. I was half-tempted to lock it, but quickly decided against it in consideration of recent events involving locked doors. Aside from that, the ever common "fuck everything" life motto came to mind, a moral I embraced with open arms, and, as such, I embraced the ladder to the top bunk the exact same way, pausing only to switch off the light.

My asshole of a boyfriend walked in just as I was settling into my bed, intentionally facing the wall. The door closed softly behind him and he didn't move for a few seconds. "KK?"

"The fuck do you want?" I growled. He walked around and peeked through the railing of the bed.

"You're not angry with me, are you?" He sounded like a beaten dog, hopeful and sorry. Rolling over, I looked at what I could see of him through the wooden slats, all multicolored eyes reflecting bits of light in the darkness and eyebrows quirked in an overly optimistic expression.

"Maybe I am, dipshit," I muttered, sounding far more angry than I was.

"KK, don't be mad at me. Pleath'e. I wath' juth't poking a bit of fun at you, I didn't mean it. Pleath'e don't be angry at me, pleath'e, KK, I didn't mean to." His voice had risen to a bitter high as he begged.

I turned to glare at him for a minute before turning back to the wall. "I'm not mad at you, idiot," I sighed, giving into the smile on my lips. "Of course I'm not. How could I be mad at you?" He sank with relief and without hesitation jumped up and over the rail, using his own mattress for leverage, and under the covers with me. "Comfy, shitface?" I asked irritably, feeling his arm press against my back. "Because my face is getting to know this wall pretty damn well."

He chuckled and scooted a bit more towards the railing, allowing me room to roll onto my back. "Better, KK?"

"Much." He grabbed my jaw and placed a gentle kiss on my lips.

"I'm th'orry for teath'ing you."

"Shut up, Sollux."

"But—"

"Nope."

"KK—"

"Shh."

"Fine," he grumbled.

I grinned at him and rolled practically on top of him. "See? Was that so hard, douchedick?" Rather than a verbal response, he jammed his thumbs into either side of my stomach and locked his arms around me, crushing me against him when I tried to get away.

"I love you." I stopped struggling at his words and instead looked at him, meeting our eyes. A tiny flutter rose in my stomach and I kissed him just as softly as he'd done me.

"I love you too. Now let's go to sleep before we embarrass ourselves any more than we've done already."

"I haven't embarrath'ed myth'elf, idiot."

"There's a cookie sheet with, like, twenty lumps of charcoal on it on the counter right now. You were saying?" I added smugly.

He groaned quietly and shoved me off and onto the empty mattress beside him."Good _night."_

I responded with a soft smile and my arms wrapped around his waist. "Night, dumbass."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need to stop starting and ending chapters with Karkat waking up and falling asleep, respectively. It can only happen so many times before I can't come up with unique instances anymore. Of course, I suppose it's a pretty simplistic thing, so after a while, for it to be different each time, it gets a bit unrealistic.
> 
> Review? Sorry it's so short T-T I'm bad at shit during school. I promise the next one will be better, I swear it.


	18. Let's Talk About…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Alright, I am getting back on track. I woke up Saturday the twenty-seventh and just fucking lost my voice for no reason whatsoever, and I'm kind of grounded, but my grandma thinks I'm writing a press release for history, so yay computer time! That being said, I think I've determined a reasonable end for this fic anywhere between chapters 25 and 30. I have the strangest feeling I'll end on 31, but who knows? We'll see, I guess.
> 
> I started off saying both "rad" and "friend" and "th'up?" ironically, like "Yo, that's pretty rad," or "Hello friend I am here," or just a simple "th'up" in reply to a friend's hello. Now they're just parts of my everyday vocabulary. I feel almost like I should be worried. Also the "enclosed porch" at my grandma's house (it's a fucking add-on, who gives a shit) is finished, so I now have an office kind of area, which is nice because desk. c: But also bad because everything I do is completely visible so no... *ahem* _research_ for smut anymore, and I can't write as much as I like or play some Rooster Teeth vid in the background even. Bullshit, honestly. Plain bullshit. On top of that, I now have a fucking _bedtime_ for some reason, which I've never had in the past, and I can't take my laptop upstairs with me, either. And (have I mentioned this?) I think I have bipolar disorder, because I've been alternating violently happy and exhaustively depressed, and feeling each for weeks at a time. I just hope whatever it is doesn't affect my writing too much. Or does, considering one of my characters is bipolar? I don't know.
> 
> So, tell me, dear readers, because I'm curious; do my long author's notes bother you guys? I won't mind cutting them down, I just kind of like keeping you guys updated and I like talking to you. A more informal kind of thing than just review replies because not everybody reviews but I'd still like to let you know that you're all lovely people. cx
> 
> For future reference and current knowledge, my sixteenth birthday occurred on the 4th of this lovely November in the year of 2013, and I can honestly say it was one of the best days I've had in a few years, at least. Like, wow, holy fucking shit I am possibly the luckiest person on the face of the Earth, seriously wow. Okay. Enough mushy shit.
> 
> Chapter Eighteen, lovelies. Read on.

The next week passed without incident, lazy days filled with cuddles on the couch, movies, and late-night hacking in which Sollux somehow obtained money for our simple household while I played video games. It was during this week the thought occurred to me that Sollux and I wouldn't ever have to ask the other to move in with them, because we already lived together. I tried not to read too much into that. Another thought that crossed my mind through our few sexual encounters over the same amount of days was that my dorky boyfriend had yet to go down on me, though I figured that was more of a personal matter and I had no doubt in my mind that he'd confront me about it in his own time. It was hardly a concern when he was balls-deep down my throat and moaning like a fucking pornstar in the living room because we could get away with that.

That matter aside, the main occupant of my brain was Kanaya — or more specifically, her funeral. It wasn't anything particularly grand, a small event meant for her family and close friends only. Robert had finally been able to notify her parents, who'd cut their trip short and come home to witness the burial of their youngest daughter upon receiving the call. Sollux and I attended without question; we were met by my parents and Nepeta, as well as Feferi, Dave, and Jade. Aside from Kanaya's parents and sister, and I think her aunt too, though I didn't know for sure, there was only one other attendee. Admittedly, I had a hard time believing she existed, or that she knew Kanaya at the very least, considering she was the woman I'd seen on the corner in my dream. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I recognized her. I knew her from _somewhere._ The issue I was taking was _where_ I knew her from; somewhere that obviously wasn't just my dream, considering she'd looked familiar then, too.

I had still been trying to figure out who in the hell she was when Sollux leaned over a bit and murmured, "Doeth' she look familiar to you, too?" nodding towards the dark-haired semi-stranger.

"Yeah, but I can't fucking place her and it's irritating the absolute shit out of me."

"Th'ame. I definitely know her, though. I know her name and everything, I juth't can't — oh!" he gasped, snapping quietly. "Vrith'ka! Vrith'ka Th'erket, that'th' who that ith'."

My eyes widened. _Vriska? What's she doing in Oklahoma? I thought she'd moved to like Hollywood or some other glamorous west coast city. It must have been something to do with Kanaya. I don't think she knows anyone else who lives here, save Sollux and me, and she sure as hell wasn't coming to visit us. Huh. She must have come to see Kanaya, just in time to watch her be killed — wait, what the fuck? How do I know if she was watching? That was just some bullshit combination my mind put together to explain things 'cause I naturally connect those two in my mind. She probably wasn't there, dumbass._

"Huh. I wonder what she's doing here," I muttered, more to myself than him.

"I dunno. Wonder how she knew KN died." He shrugged and checked his phone, seemingly forgetting about the strange, sudden appearance of the brunette in Oklahoma City. My attention was, unfortunately, not so easily swayed. I stared at my lap and tried to come up with how she knew about Kanaya's death while Sollux disappeared to where I assumed was the bathroom. He returned just as the small service began, and I neither acknowledged his return nor listened to the local pastor, now completely lost in thought.

The next two weeks passed largely uneventfully, Vriska having yet to so much as cross my mind since the funeral and life moving on without Kanaya, no matter how hard I tried to hang on. She still weighed rather heavily on my mind, and the guilt I associated with myself being the reason for her death weighed even more heavily on my shoulders, but I stood up through my burden and kept on living because the only other option was giving up, and try as I might, I couldn't see Kanaya ever accepting me giving up, much less on her behalf. So I kept going. For her.

I kept up for Sollux, too, though it was a bit more difficult for him. I'd officially decided I definitely wasn't going back to college, and he would _not_ be happy about that. I'd wait as long as I could before letting him know, but he was bound to find out sooner or later and it wasn't gonna be pretty. But when everything around me was all I could hope for from him, it was easily put out of mind.

Friday was very lax at first; Sollux watched TV in the living room and I played computer games in the bedroom. It did bother me on occasion that I hardly contributed shit to our funds, but I managed to hide the irritation with myself enough that I could continue on as normal, with only an additional dull ache of guilt in the darkest part of my thoughts. Eventually, as such repetitive games as The Sims tended to lend reason to, I got bored and hungry and risked a venture out of the bedroom for a snack.

"KK, come here," I heard the instant the door opened. "I wanna talk to you about th'omething." I raised an eyebrow and turned instead towards the living room, where Sollux had apparently just turned off the TV and, rather than seeking me out, jumped at the opportunity to remain seated. Dual toned irises behind glinting lenses now tracked my progress out of our room.

"How worried should I be?" I asked slowly, walking warily into the living room.

"Not worried," he replied, shaking his head with a soft smile. "Daunted, maybe, but I wouldn't th'ay worried."

I took a seat next to him on the couch, putting my arm around the back of it and leaning slightly away from him, glancing apprehensively towards my boyfriend. "Alright, I'm here. What do you want?"

"Bullshit, you're here. Come _here,"_ he added, patting his lap.

"Sollux—"

"KK," he sneered. I rolled my eyes and shifted onto his lap. Last thing I wanted was to drag out his ridiculous sense of entitlement, but I couldn't help but give in every now and then. He rewarded me with a smile and any sliver of regret vanished.

"Fine, I'm _here._ What do you want to talk about?"

A terrifying smirk replaced his previous smile. "Th'ekth'." I froze; again, this was one of those words I would have laughed at under other circumstances. It didn't even sound like 'sex,' it sounded like just like he said it, 'th'ekth'.' I glanced over to find a sickeningly adorable grin brightening Sollux's face and swallowed hard.

"Wh-What about it?" I managed eventually.

He shrugged. "What do you think about it?"

"I, uh..." I was off-put, to say the least. "I'm not sure I like the idea of a dick up my ass, if that's what you're asking," I muttered, unable to meet his gaze.

I wriggled to get comfortable again as his chest moved with his laughter. "That'th' not ekth'actly what I meant, but that workth', too."

"Well what 'ekth'actly' did you mean, then?"

"How comfortable are you with the conth'ept of having th'ekth'?" he asked with another shrug and a shake of his head.

"W-With-With you?" I stammered.

He pulled a face and rolled his eyes. "No, KK, with th'trangerth' — yeth', with me, moron."

"I was just...," I trailed off. Shaking my head, I changed thought processes. "Why?"

"Becauth'e I'm curiouth'."

"Ooh, yeah, that's a good reason Sollux, come on, give me a stupid one, just for laughs."

"Cute, KK. Why the fuck do you think?" _That_ shut me up. "Anth'wer the question."

"I'm not... _uncomfortable_ with the concept. I am, however, very un-fucking-comfortable with this conversation, why are we talking about this?"

"If you don't know, you're an idiot, and you're not an idiot, KK, th'o I'm gueth'ing you know." I groaned at his reply. We then sat there in silence for what felt like an eternity, his words sinking in while I very deliberately avoided visual contact with the eyes I could feel studying me. "Th'o. Would you like to have th'ekth'?"

A particularly unmanly squeak made its way out of my throat. I stuttered viciously in protest and pushed myself as far against the arm of the couch as I could, regardless of how little it was affecting how in-his-lap I was. "Sollux! You don't just... _ask_ that!"

"Well... I juth't _did,_ th'o..." He turned his head from side to side, as though weighing his options. "Yeah. Would you?" I opened my mouth to answer and found myself unable to do anything but whimper pathetically at how awkward I felt, a blush crawling higher up my neck with every passing second. "I'm ath'king for a yeth' or no anth'wer, KK, there shouldn't be anything difficult about thith'."

I couldn't say why it popped into my mind, but I couldn't help the tiny smile that rose to my lips when the memory of him asking me to be his boyfriend surfaced. "Yeah, maybe," I replied quietly, playing along. "I don't know."

"I'm not gonna pressure you into thinking you have to," he stated, a challenge playing in the multicolored eyes I finally brought myself to meet.

"That's my line, dumbass," I whispered, beaming.

"Yeah, but that wouldn't work in your poth'ition, now would it?"

My grin grew. "Shut up."

His eyes narrowed. "Make me."

So I did.

Pushing off the arm of the couch, I trapped his lips with a deep kiss, wrapping one arm around his neck and using the other to keep myself up. He moved me back a bit, which gave me enough leverage to sit up without assistance and lock my other arm over his shoulder. He leaned into the kiss and I felt his arms on either side of me, dislodging them only when I moved to straddle his lap. My new seat gave me a height advantage, which was admittedly rare for me. I pulled my lips away from his and moved them instead to his ear. "Yeah, I'd like to have sex with you, stupid. I mean, honestly, how can I say no to you?" I added in a whisper, biting down gently on his earlobe. He let out a little gasp of surprise and immediately braced his hands on my hips.

"KK!" he huffed, his cheeks rapidly growing redder than mine had. "I-I didn't mean now! I wath' juth't... nngh. KK. Don't-Don't, like, shit, can you juth't... th'it down for a th'econd, or-or th'omething? I-I-I need to... think about thith'."

"Christ, Sollux, the fuck do you think I'm doing?" I asked indignantly, moving off him at the behest of his pleading hands. "I'm not about to pound you into the couch, for fuck's sake." Childish as it felt, I crossed my arms over my chest, snorting, and looked away. Sollux, his breath slightly more labored than usual, sat otherwise quietly, very obviously twiddling his fucking thumbs and waiting for something to happen.

Another awkward silence dragged out. _Every fucking time we try to talk about_ us, _shit gets damn awkward. I hope to God it won't always be like this. Like, will there actually ever be a time in our goddamn relationship when we don't get awkward talking about our goddamn relationship?_ I sighed, which _naturally_ prompted a sigh from my right. Smirking internally, I sighed back, heavier, and was met with another sigh in response. I practically growled the third time, and he growl-sighed back, a smile just evident in his barely-detectable tone. I unfolded my arms and set my right hand on the couch cushion next to me. Another hand quickly clasped it and I turned my gaze to it, rather noticeably scooting over so that I could more easily lean against my boyfriend.

I didn't feel half as uneasy as I had before, so I was perfectly content with sitting and cuddling a bit with Sollux. That was, at least, until he spoke up again; "How'th' nekth't Th'aturday th'ound?"

I paused. "Sollux," I began calmly. "Did you just set a date for sex?"

"Yeah," he said, sounding like it couldn't have been more obvious.

I sighed again. "Are you shitting me right now? Who actually _plans_ sex? Who actually fucking _schedules_ this shit?"

"I do, you prick. Beth'ideth', th'etting a th'peth'ific day for it, eth'pecially the firth't time, taketh' away th'ome of the pressure."

"Bullshit."

"KK, pleath'e, juth't—"

"Seriously, Sollux?"

"Yeah, KK, th'eriouth'ly, alright?!" he shouted, snapping when I'd least expected. He glared ferociously at me, his brow turned down and his hand suddenly tighter on mine. "Becauth'e, and I _know_ you fucking know thith', I _do not want to fuck up with you._ I don't wanna make any mith'taketh' with you. Other people, yeah, sure, you fuck up, you move on, you find th'omebody elth'e. It'th' fucking different with you, becauth'e if I fuck up with you, KK, _there ith'n't th'omebody elth'e._ There'th' only you."

I opened my mouth to interject and was cut off as he continued. "And I'd would much rather th'it through thith' goddamned awkward-ath' converth'ation than fuck up and loth'e you becauth'e I pushed too hard like the th'tupid, th'elfish, complete ath'hole that I am. Th'o you know what, KK? You can at the very leath't humor me, alright? 'Cauth'e _fuck_ if I'm gonna loth'e you over th'omething ath' th'tupid ath' th'ekth' becauth'e I pushed too hard and tried to pressure you into th'omething you didn't wanna do 'cauth'e _I didn't try hard enough!"_

To say I was surprised would be a gross understatement. I watched without a word as the fire drained from his eyes. His grip loosened and his expression relaxed and he looked away with a pathetic sink in his shoulders. "I-I juth't... I juth't meant to..." He shook his head slowly, a gesture that matched the hopelessness in his new tone. "Th'orry. I'm th'orry, KK."

I had to make a physical effort to avoid rolling my eyes. "Shut up." He nodded as I shook my head. "No, I mean it, Sollux. Shut the fuck up. Like, stop. Don't say shit like that. The fuck are you apologizing for, too? I'm the moron who should have guessed that. I'm the fucking retard who, you're right, _knew_ that shit and fucking glanced over it like it didn't mean a damn thing. I ignored it and I-I'm sorry. I shouldn't have. I'm sorry and... and you didn't take your meds today, did you?" I asked in defeat, now turning my head away. A soft ' nn-nn' came from his direction and I laced our fingers together. He responded with a gentle, forlorn squeeze. "Why?"

"'Cauth'e. I didn't take 'em lath't week. Or the week before. 'Cauth'e KN'th' funeral — I didn't, like, by-by the time I'd realized I forgot, we were already there. I gueth' I broke whatever habit I'd been reforming and I've made th'tupid ekth'cuth'eth' to not take them th'inth'e." He hesitated before adding, " I-I didn't mean to—"

"Hush. Go get your meds. Now."

"KK—"

"You heard me."

"But—"

"Nope. Go."

"Karkat!"

 _"Th'ollukth'!"_ I mocked. He finally stood up with a growl, turning to walk into our bedroom. He came out a moment later with a bottle of medication and made his way into the kitchen for a glass of water.

"You're a real ath'hole th'ometimeth', KK, you know that? Fucking both'ing me around, you know what, fuck you."

This time, I _did_ roll my eyes. _I don't need this shit, and he's just being moody 'cause he's an idiot and forgot his medication. Then again, I should have noticed, so I guess it is half my fault, but at the same time, I've got a lot of shit on my plate and I can't go around monitoring him twenty-four, seven._ "Sollux," I said firmly, trying to keep him from adding more.

"It'th' fucking bullshit, you're not the goddamn both' of the houth'ehold, and you have no right to—"

It obviously hadn't worked the first time, so I tried again; "Sollux."

 _"—to interrupt me,_ or ekth'pect me to run around at your whim and do whatever the fuck you tell me to." He paused momentarily to chug down a glass of water after a couple mood stabilizers. "And beth'ideth' that, beth'ideth' ordering me around or complaining about th'omething _elth'e,_ you've hardly th'aid two wordth' to me th'inth'e KN'th' funeral."

The raw honesty of his words hit me so suddenly I felt worse for not having noticed before. "Sollux," I said, the tone of my voice not coming anywhere close to matching my instant regret, "can you _please—"_

"No, I can't, KK. It'th' like I'm not ath' important to you anymore, like I don't mean ath' much ath' I uth'ed to to you. And that really fucking _th'uckth',_ 'cauth'e you mean more to me now than ever, and I hate to think that you don't wanna be in thith' relationship anymore—"

"No," I croaked miserably. _No, no, stop, that's completely wrong, don't say that!_

"—but that'th' almoth't all I've been able to pick up from you lately, ith' that you want out of thith', th'o if how you act ith' how you feel, I can juth't pack up my shit and go th'tay with my parentth' for a bit until I find th'omewhere elth'e to go."

"Sollux, stop that, it's not funny!" I begged, as though anything about how he said it suggested anything even remotely amusing.

He ignored me entirely and kept on. "Becauth'e, you know, KK, for ath' much of an ath'hole ath' you've been to me, you th'till mean the world to me, and I'll th'till do anything to make you happy, even if it leaveth' me alone. Th'o if you wanna break it off with me, all you have to do ith' th'ay th'omething and I'll be out of your hair and you won't have to deal with me anymore. You can go find th'omebody elth'e who will treat you better than I muth't be to deth'erve the shit you're giving me. I can go and you won't have to deal with me anymore," he repeated softly. "You th'ertainly don't th'eem to want to."

I could feel tears welling in my eyes before I even attempted to speak around the growing knot in my throat. "That-That's not true, don't — S-Sollux, I don't wanna get rid of you, really, I don't wanna leave you or a-anything, I just—" _Ran out of excuses,_ I finished silently. _Excuses for what? What an honest to God_ dick _I've been lately? Or maybe I've run out of energy. Maybe I'm tired of reassuring him that I need him without saying it outright. Maybe I'm tired of looking after him. He's a twenty-one year old man. He shouldn't need me to look after him, he shouldn't need looking after. He shouldn't need me to make sure he's taking his goddamn medicine, that's shit for kids. But that's not it. That's really not it. I'm not tired of him. I don't think I could ever get tired of him. I might get a bit fed-up with his constant necessity to be around me sometimes, but in all honesty, the last thing I'd ever want is for him to leave, for him to stop caring._

 _I need him. I need his stupid voice and his stupid laugh and his stupid grin and his stupid, incredible eyes, and his stupid... stupidness! I need everything that_ is _Sollux because it's_ him. "There is no 'somebody else.' Besides you," I quoted quietly, unable once again to meet his eyes, though this time for a completely different reason. "If I fuck up with you, I don't get to move on, I don't get to find somebody else, because if I fuck up with you, there isn't somebody else. I'm not trying to break up with you. Please. I'm really not. You... y-you mean the world to me. Too. I... I hate making you this upset. I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry. I'm stressed out and I'm taking it out on you and that's not fair to you and you sincerely don't deserve that and please believe me, Sollux, I'm so sorry it hurts. I'm not trying to get rid of you, really, I-I _need_ you, I can't lose you now, I can't, I-I can't — n-not now, not so soon after Kanaya, not ever, and I-I just... I'm really fucking sorry and please believe me, Sollux, I can't... fucking... Sollux, I can't lose you, too. I can't. I can't. I—" _Can't._

I looked up and watched through tear-blurred eyes as he turned back towards the kitchen, snatching his keys off the counter and then continuing towards the front door. Just inside the entry hall, he looked back at me and said, "I need a break, KK. I'm going for a drive."

My stomach dropped and I quickly blinked away my tears and looked up to meet his eyes, but he'd already faced away. "Be careful." My voice was loud enough that he could hear and broken enough to send a violent shudder of foreboding down my spine, where it then settled beyond uneasily in my gut. It lent him pause at the door, hand frozen on the doorknob and back still to me. Without a reply, he exited quietly and carefully closed the door after him. "Please," I whispered to myself. "Please be careful."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... maybe it _is_ affecting my writing? Hm. Anyway, review please, loves.


	19. I'd Say He's Doing Well For Himself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Both the good and the bad side of being as psyched as I am to write this chapter is that I want to write it so bad, I started on pencil and paper, while sitting bored out of my mind in Spanish 3 with the worst fucking teacher ever (of all time) no less, so on top of hand-writing this damn thing, I also feel the need to translate it into Spanish as I go, and I have no doubt whatsoever I will at some point write some damn word in Spanish (most likely "and": "y") multiple times. Luckily for me, approximately three-quarters through the first paragraph, we were told to go get our computers, which means I get to type, yay~
> 
> Chapter Nineteen: Read away, friends!

Sollux not returning before sundown left me with a sickening fear churning in my gut and, later, dark hours of sleeplessness punctuated only by nightmares I couldn't remember after they'd wake me up. The frequency with which I found myself in the bathroom, panting over the sink and washing my face with the coldest water I could get out of the faucet, just in the few hours between dusk and dawn, was frightening in its own right. These "dreams" were no better, and every time I finally got to sleep, I'd wake up what seemed like no more than an instant later feeling like someone had tried to suffocate me in my sleep; lightheaded and lost.

Of course I'd tried to call him, but whenever I dialed his number, a phone would ring _in the bedroom_ and some douchebag would pop up on the caller ID ("My KK  <3" was the name listed, whoever the fuck that was, paired with an image of the most pissed-off motherfucker I'd ever seen trying to keep from having his photo taken) _on Sollux's fucking phone._ Of course the idiot hadn't taken it with him, and now I was the one paying for it. Or maybe he was. But I didn't like to think about that.

I checked the clock around dawn, pausing in my vigil of watching the sun rise high enough I could justify getting out of bed — though who I was justifying myself to, I couldn't say. I figured around six I could get away with a phone call without disturbing anyone. Luckily for me, the clock read **5:48,** so I didn't have long to wait. Six on the dot, I dialed the number of the hospital, hoping Robert was already at work. I'd long since revealed our relationship to him, considering he knew about my crush from near the beginning, and if anyone could help me with what to do, it'd be him.

A female voice answered the phone. _"Hello, this is—"_

"Cheryll," I finished for her.

 _"Uh... y-yes, this is Cheryll."_ She sounded unnerved, to say the least. _"May I ask—"_

"It's Karkat."

 _"Oh, Karkat! Are you okay, is anything wrong?"_ Her voice, which previously had been polite and professional, now was full of urgent concern.

"I'm... okay. I guess. but I need to talk to Rob. Is he busy?"

 _"Let me check."_ She muttered unintelligibly to herself for a moment. _"He's not busy at the moment, but he will be soon."_

"Can I talk to him for a bit?"

_"Sure, hold on."_

Oddly cheery — well, for a hospital, anyway — hold music played for a few seconds before my old friend's voice took over. _"'Ello?"_

"Hey, Robert."

 _"Oh, 'ey, Karka', 'ow'sh igoin?"_ I had an eyebrow raised at his radical change in speech until he answered my unasked question. _"Eugch, sorry. Had a pencil in my mouth."_

"Hm," I dismissed, lowering my eyebrow and shaking my head to rid it of the thought.

_"So what's up?"_

"I... have a problem. Kind of. I guess you could say I'm dating a problem, but I don't know if that makes sense."

_"We're talking about Sollux, correct?"_

"Yeah. Um. Last night, we—"

 _"I sincerely hope you're not going to burden me with knowledge of your sex life."_ I winced at the bluntness of his statement.

"No. Kind of. Not really."

 _"Great."_ He seemed unenthusiastic, but I could almost see the teasing smile on his face. He didn't mean any harm by it.

"Rob, seriously," I half-begged.

_"Fine, fine, what is it?"_

"We had an argu— w-we had a fight. He asked me about sex and one thing led to another, fucking _after_ I agreed to it, and he left. He drove off and he-he didn't, he... he didn't come back last night. He left his phone here and I don't know where he went and I can't even turn on the news in case it shows our truck crashed along the side of some goddamn highway with the headline 'Sleep Deprived Driver Found Dead at the Wheel.' I'm freaking the fuck out, Rob, and I don't know what to do, and I can't fucking deal with the thought of losing him, one way or another, so soon after losing Kanaya, much less the possible reality of that, I don't know what to do, I'm losing my fucking mind!"

After a slight hesitation, he asked, _"What exactly did he say to you before he left?"_

"He said, 'I need a break, I'm going for a drive.'"

The line was quiet for a while. I thought for a second that he'd given up on me, but eventually, he sighed softly into the receiver. _"So you don't know where he is, you have no way of contacting him, and you're afraid he might have gone into some drug-induced psychopathic rage and crashed. I hate to say it, kiddo, but you're kinda fucked. Really, honestly, Karkat, and please just listen to me, I think the best advice I can give to you right now is to sit tight. I know that's not what you wanna hear, but think about it; Sollux hasn't left for good. He wouldn't have made it seem like he'd be back if he was leaving. And from what I know, he's a fairly competent driver. I don't think you need to worry about that. I'm sure he'll be back soon."_

I closed my eyes and tried to reason an agreement to what he was saying. _"If he isn't, Karkat, you need to call the police. If he isn't home by tomorrow, something's wrong and you need to file a missing person's report."_ We both got unnervingly quiet after that. Rob cleared his throat and said, _"Now, as I'm sure Cheryll told you, I do have an early appointment today, so I have to go now. But remember what I told you, okay? He'll be back."_

"He said he loved me, Rob. I know I love him. He knows that. What the fuck did I do?"

_"Don't think about it. Things will work out in time. Just be patient, Karkles. Speaking of patient, I need to get ready."_

"Yeah, okay. Thanks, Robert. I mean it," I told him, my heart sinking into my stomach even as the words left my mouth.

_"I know. Call me when he gets back. Cheryll can take a message if I'm busy."_

"Alright. Bye, Rob."

_"Bye, kiddo. Hang tight."_

Click.

"Yeah," I replied to the dead line. "I'll do that."

* * *

It wasn't until around six-thirty in the afternoon that the phone rang again. I'd been following Rob's suggestion and trying to relax, trying to put my possibly physically hurt, possibly no-longer boyfriend out of mind — so of course I'd been playing our family in The Sims 3 all day. I practically jumped out of my skin when the phone rang. All of me said it was Robert; only part of me said he was clueless. The other part... well, I couldn't shake the thought of a different two AM call with the same man that may or may not have similar consequences. Nonetheless, I brought the receiver to my ear without hesitation, knowing whatever he had to say meant more than the digital lie on my computer.

"Hello?"

_"I'm a fucking idiot, KK."_

Never before, not a single one time in my entire _life,_ had I been so goddamn happy as I was right in that moment to hear a certain someone's annoying, nasally, irritating, grating, fucking perfect voice. Without so much as a second thought on the matter, I responded the way anyone would when they'd heard heaven on the phone. _"Where in the sweet almighty taintchaffing fuck have you been, you shitty fuckass cocksucker?!"_

 _"I think the full th'tory can wait 'til later, 'cauth'e, ath' wath' previouth'ly th'tated, I'm a fucking idiot. I need you to come get me. Preferably with money. I drove out to the middle of fuck-all nowhere, I have almoth't no idea where I am, and I uth'ed the last thirty-th'entth' in my pocket pluth' a dime I found on the ground to call you from a payphone becauth'e I don't think that would have bought enough gath' to get me two feet, much leth' home."_ His tone was high and forced, like he was trying to keep from... crying?

 _Oh._ "Um. Okay. Wh-Where are you?"

 _"I'm not entirely sure. I know I'm_ th'omewhere _along highway thirty-five at an Ekth'on gath' th'tation... And the truckth' a couple mileth' back."_

"Great, well, _that's_ something to go by."

 _"It'th' all I've got, KK!"_ he shot in defense. _"I'm the th'tupidest th'ack of shit in ekth'ith'tenth'e 'cauth'e I hardly have a clue where I am, ath'ide from being th'tranded at a fucking_ gath' th'tation _without my wallet, I don't have my phone th'o I had to th'pend the few th'enth' I_ did _have on a payphone call th'o I'd have th'ome chanth'e of talking to you again and making thingth' right before I th'tarve out here, and I made a complete ath' of myself yeth'terday because I'm a pathetic dipshit loth'er with no th'enth'e of when enough is e-fucking-nough, and on top of that, the call'th' about to cut out becauth'e I don't have any change left to put in the goddamn thing. I know you're mad at me and you can yell at me all you want later, but I really need your help right now. Pleath'e, KK! I—"_ The crack in his voice made up my mind.

"Shut up. I'm on my way, alright?"

_"I... yeah. Alright."_

"I'll see you soon. I love you."

Instead of a response, I got a couple clicks and a dial tone. I hoped it was just the payphone shutting him down rather than him hanging up on me.

True to my word, however, the phone was hardly down for a second before I picked it back up, now waiting for someone to answer while I tracked down some jeans. Again, Cheryll answered first and again she transferred me to Robert. _"What's the news, kiddo?"_

"I found him. Or, he found me, anyway. Kinda."

_"Right, I understand completely."_

I growled softly at his sarcasm. "The dick called me from a payphone with the last of his change and told me he's at an Exxon gas station somewhere along highway thirty-five without money, a phone, or gas, the truck's a few miles down the road somewhere, and that I have to go pick him up."

_"I'd say he's doing pretty well for himself, wouldn't you?"_

"I need to borrow your car, jackass," I told him, bracing myself to root through the closet.

 _"What reason do I have for allowing you to do that?"_ he joked.

My answer was a grunted shrug as I pulled on a clean shirt. "'Cause I'm your favorite."

 _"Out of_ whom?" he asked with a hearty chuckle.

"Y-You know... me... uh... Latula?" I replied, checking under the bed for my sneakers.

_"Alright, fair enough. Do you want me to pick you up after work or you gonna swing by and pick it up?"_

"Oh, I'll just come get it myself, Rob," I snarked, straightening up. "You know, if I leave now, I _might_ get there in an hour!"

He laughed again while I pocketed my wallet. _"You know what? I'll take my break in a few and come pick you up. You can drop me back off at the hospital and go get Sollux."_

"Thanks man. I appreciate it," I told him sincerely, snatching up my house keys and walking back into the living room.

_"Don't mention it. I'll be by in ten."_

"See ya then." I clicked off the phone and set it in the cradle before making my way to the garage. After a few minutes, I was finally able to find one of those plastic gas cans. Then I went out front and sat on the step and waited. Eventually, a white Forester pulled up to the curb and some prick rolled down the window.

"Get your ass over here kid, I don't have all day."

"Keep your foot on the pedal, old man, I'm workin' on it," I smirked as I climbed into the passenger seat. Rob checked I was buckled in before getting back on 63rd, heading East.

"So—"

I cut him off with a roll of the eyes and the words, "Yeah, my boyfriend's an asshole."

He paused. "I was gonna ask about the whole sex aspect."

"Oh."

"You gonna tell me about it?"

I shrugged internally. _I can't say I have much to lose by telling him._ "He's so fucking weird about it, man. Like, we've done shit, I've blown him, we've jerked each other off. But he won't go down on me and yesterday he calls me over and is like, 'Th'o, KK, would you like to have th'ekth' with me?' Shit got awkward as balls and the fuck thought I was trying to bang him right then and there and had a goddamn heart attack. Then, of course, just when things start to feel normal again, he goes with some bullshit question, 'How'th' nekth't Th'aturday th'ound?' and an equally bullshit answer, 'Planning it taketh' away th'ome of the pressure.' Then he flips his shit and admits he hasn't been on stabilizers for weeks, and when I told him to go take some, he got pissed _again_ and pointed out that I've been the world's worst boyfriend for just as long as he'd been off meds. Which, I guess, is kind of true... Maybe. Anyway, I tried to apologize and then he went for a quote-unquote 'drive' that ended him up on some godforsaken highway gas station. He slept in the fucking car for Christ's sake. He's such a fucking moron and he does the stupidest shit that I really wish he wouldn't because it worries the hell out of me and if anything happens to him, I'm not gonna forgive myself because it's my job to make sure he takes care of himself."

Robert remained quiet for a full minute after that. Finally, he said, "You have set yourself one hell of a job, you know that?"

"Yeah," I replied softly. "I know. But he's worth it. I don't know what the fuck it is about him, some stupid thing in his idiocy that I can't live without, but he's so worth it."

"You've got it bad, kid."

"No shit. Let's talk about something else."

"Alright. Something else like...?"

"How's Sarah these days?" Sarah was Robert's wife. She was nearly ten years younger than him, but he was an attractive man, despite his age, all dark hair and strong jaw and perpetual, well-kempt scruff, and she obviously like that in a man. She was smart, too, a youthful thirty-some odd year old with waist length flaming red hair and more freckles than a zebra has stripes. Her green eyes could almost rival his in intensity, and they matched perfectly in intelligence. She was a doctor in another part of the city — they'd actually met in med school, for that matter — a decision they'd made so they would never let any possible negative feelings between the two of them interrupt an emergency surgery. Not that they ever fought, but it was rather safe than sorry.

"Well, since you're asking," he told me, a certain pride in his voice as he beamed at the road, "I'm gonna be a father soon."

"Holy shit, dude, congrats!" I exclaimed in surprise, a genuine smile breaking out on my face. "That's great. When's she due?"

"Not for another four and a half months."

"Goddamn, how come you didn't tell me sooner? That's great, man," I repeated.

"In all honesty, we didn't know until recently. She didn't — and really still doesn't — show very much."

"Huh. You'd think, what with you both being doctors and all, that you'd have notice the symptoms sooner."

"You say that like pregnancy is an illness," he laughed. "She didn't react much like expecting mothers usually do, either; hardly any cravings, I think she had morning sickness once? Either way, it wasn't until she started feeling the baby move inside her that we realized she was pregnant."

"Do you know what gender it is?"

"Nope. We've decided to wait until it's born to find out."

"Fair enough," I conceded as he pulled into the parking lot.

When he got out, rather than walking around, I simply crawled across the front seat to the driver's side. Rob stood patiently and waited for me to get settled. "Alright, so," he began in a much more professional tone than he'd spoken with before. "Tank's full, and my car gets a hell of a lot more to the gallon than whatever your piece of shit truck gets—"

"You don't even know what kind of truck I have!" I protested.

"And I'm not likely to, either. I don't even think _you_ know what kind of truck you have, Karkat. Anyway, don't worry about gas, this trip's on me. If you're not home before the hospital closes, I can have Cheryll drop me off, or Sarah can come get me on her way home from work. Call me when you find him." I nodded and he turned towards the hospital. I had started to back out when he paused and added, "And, Karkat?"

"Yeah?" I called out the window.

"Don't be angry with him. People who use mood stabilizers, if they stop without warning, they always say something or do something they'll live to regret."

"I've been dealing with him for years, Rob," I assured him. "He's an asshole _on_ drugs, he's an asshole off. He's still my asshole and I can't stay mad at him, for anything."

"Alright. Hope you find him quick."

"Me, too," I murmured to myself, rolling the window up and maneuvering out of the parking lot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just when I thought I was done with this chapter, I realized I'd skipped over the highway Sollux was on and the gas station he was at (literally, I had "highway ### at a|n XXXXXXXXX gas station" written down as a placeholder). Luckily for me, I knew how to quickly and accurately find those things, as well as calculate variables that would allow them to fit in the story. Unluckily for me, I wrote this in the car halfway to Santa Cruz from buttfuck nowhere Calaveras County. Guess what I don't have~! That's right, internet. Now I also realize I could have _easily_ bullshitted it, you know, "After Sollux told me where he was, dadadadada...," but where's the fun in that? Right again, friend, there isn't any. Fuck that easy shit. I'd rather do it right than easy.
> 
> Hope you enjoy, my friends. Review please~!


	20. This Is No Time To Panic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: I HIT A HUNDRED REVIEWS ON FANFICTION.NET, I AM FREAKING OUT. Okay. So. Tears of utter disbelief and happiness done with (STILL FUCKING WOW), I'm on chapter fucking twenty. I broke 100 reviews in just under 20 chapters, that's (theoretically) five reviews a chapter, and I know a lot more than five people actively read this, but I feel it's still worth mentioning that you all, reviewers or not, have helped me more than I can say in just noting my self-worth, in finding an outlet for when I just can't take my family issues anymore, for when I'm sick of living on the opposite side of the country from my boyfriend, in realizing more of my potential as a writer. I sincerely appreciate all of you, individually and as a whole (and I know this is the kind of shit I should be putting on the last chapter but fuck it it's going here), and you've all helped me so much more than you even know by just so much as clicking my story, let alone reading and honestly enjoying it and by reviewing, and letting me know what I'm doing right or how I can improve. I'm always trying to make my story better for you guys, rereading and looking for mistakes in grammar or typos or misspellings, rewriting bits so that they make more sense, because you guys are worth it and I want to give you my best. I adore all of you and it absolutely makes my day to see that I made even one of you happy. :)
> 
> So, I just went on a two-hundred dollar shopping spree with my badass cousin and my grandma, who funded the whole thing (oh, my shitty sister was there too). I got scarves and earrings and Minecraft graphic tees and Karkat-colored Doc Martins and cute panties and I'm feeling pretty damn good. On top of it, three day weekend! More writing, ye! (Another of those things I said ironically at first... "ye." Whatev. I mean, YOLO, right?) I just wanna lay on my bed with my laptop on the pillow and my headphones on (possibly one of Miranda Cosgrove's only good songs, Headphones On) blasting fucking Eve 6 or Get Well Cards or Macklemore or some shit (I've recently been addicted to OneRepublic's Counting Stars and Capitol Cities's Safe and Sound) and just write, all day. Life sounds good, you know? Just happy right now.
> 
> But you know what I hate, like, really hate, like, beyond words, fucking Lay/Lie tenses; present, past, present participle, fucking past participle, _why do they exist._ The past tense of lie is the present tense of lay and it absolutely kills me, I hate them so much, do not even fucking get me started. I am _so_ glad I have a [reference chart](http://24.media.tumblr.com/b4e518b719ff979a9e6e17f3b6029b84/tumblr_mrcq7sKTPE1rnvzfwo1_500.jpg), because otherwise, I think I'd break something.
> 
> Chapter Twenty, holy fucking shit, off we go. Enjoy, loves!

It was just dusk when I pulled up to an Exxon easily halfway to Dallas on 35. Some grubby kid leaned against the side of the gas station, his knees tucked against the same filthy, mustard yellow tee he'd worn the day before beneath the same black hoodie adorned with a red and blue Gemini symbol across the front, split down the middle by the zipper, all streaked with dirt and oil and god knows what else from the cement slabs surrounding the building. He glanced up hopefully when I pulled into the gas station before his eyes darkened and he looked back down in his lap, tugging his knees closer. I parked a space to the left of him and got out without so much as another glance in my direction from him. It wasn't until I stood directly in front of him that he looked up and recognized me. Leaping to his feet, he threw his arms around me with a strangled sob he _might_ have meant to sound like my name. I couldn't resist locking my arms around him as less-than-silent tears dampened my shirt.

He held on to me for a long time, and I let him because he obviously needed it. The only thing that mattered were tiny "th'orry"s whispered into my ear and bitten-down fingernails digging into my shoulder blades as he clung to me. The one streetlamp for about twenty miles flicking on kicked me back into action. "Come on, Sollux. We gotta go home. Get in the car, I'll be right back." He nodded with a sniffle and we both returned to Robert's car, me for the gas can and him to wait for me. When the can was full, I got back in the Subaru and asked, "Alright, so where's the truck?"

"About two mileth' that way," he said, pointing Eastward. I turned the car around and started down the road when he began explaining, "I notith'ed I wath' low on gath' and deth'ided to get off and look for a gath' th'tation. Of courth'e, I went the wrong way and the engine th'talled juth't when I turned around. I walked back toward the highway to maybe flag down th'ome help or th'omething and right on the other fucking th'ide wath' the Ekth'on. Not that it matterth' anyway, 'cauth'e I didn't know I didn't have my wallet until I got back to the car, and by then it wath' dark."

"What'd you do?" I prompted, keeping one eye on the road and another out for the truck.

"I th'lept in the car. The fuck elth'e am I gonna do, I'm not gonna try pushing the damn thing at night, much leth' by myth'elf on an unfamiliar road. When I woke up, I did try pushing it for a bit and got maybe a half-mile down before giving up and walking back. The douche at the gath' th'tation wouldn't let me uth'e hith' phone becauth'e 'there'th' a payphone right outth'ide, go uth'e that and th'top wath'ting my time, you damn vagabond!'" I snorted at his shitty impression of the gas station clerk. I caught his smile out of the corner of my eye and smiled back as he continued.

"Eventually, after wandering around a while, I found a dime and finally uth'ed that to call you earlier. Th'inth'e then I've juth't been th'at there waiting for you. That plath'e getth' weird traffic, lotth' of carth' in burth'tth' and then nobody for hourth'. Ath' more time path'ed, I got more and more afraid you'd came during one of the buth'y momentth' and mith'ed me and drove on."

"Trust me, dude," I said, finally spotting the truck and pulling over in front of it. "If I was there, you'd know it. Do you honestly think I wouldn't be calling for you?"

He groaned and got out after me. "Really? Pleath'e tell me your joking. You wouldn't actually th'tand there and call my name th'urrounded by a bunch of ath'holeth', would you?"

"Yeah, man. Who gives a shit, we don't know any of them. Why do I care what they think of me looking for my—" I paused in hauling out the gas can and cleared my throat pointedly. "—stranded _friend?"_ I counted myself victorious at the minuscule blush on his cheeks and made my way over to the truck. When I'd finished transferring gas to the tank, I stood up and looked at Sollux. "Okay, you follow me in the truck. I'm gonna drop Rob's truck at his house, so I need you to drive me home."

"Alright." He opened the door slowly, looking hesitant, as though he had something to say that he really didn't want to. I ignored it until he grabbed my elbow as I passed him. "KK. I'm really th'orry. I did th'uch a th'tupid thing and—"

"Hey," I cut him off. "Save it for home. I don't wanna hear it right now." He nodded uncertainly, so I grabbed his hands in mine. "Sollux. Stop it, alright? You made a mistake, it's not a big deal. Everyone makes mistakes. Don't worry about it." He held my gaze for a moment before tearing his away. I answered by stretching up and pressing a slow kiss to his lips. "We have some shit to work through, okay? Save it for home," I repeated. "Until then, all you need to know is that I love you." His expression softened and he kissed me once before I took my hands out of his. "I'll see you at Rob's."

"Alright, KK. I love you."

"Damn right you do!" I joked as I got in the car. I kept his grin in my mind the whole way back.

* * *

Robert was already home when I got to his house, so I dropped off his car and said hi to the both of them, adding a congratulation to Sarah's greeting. Sollux didn't bother getting out of the truck and simply waved at them as I returned to him. The remainder of the journey home was boring, though I did somehow manage to get away with resting my hand over his, poised on the gear shift. He let the action slide with nothing more than the occasional smirk in my direction.

When we pulled in, Sollux somehow transported away from the vehicle and materialized inside the house — materiaported? Transportalized? — while I was left finding somewhere in the garage to put the once again empty gas can. When I finally settled on a location that I was at least half-certain would keep it from falling over and closed the front door after me, Sollux had changed into more comfortable clothes. What he hadn't done was attempt to clean himself off; a smear of oily dirt spanned chin to cheek, and black grease dotted his nose, eyelids, forehead. I shook my head at him.

"You idiot, did you even look in a mirror?"

"Mirror? What for?" Rolling my eyes, I hooked my hand around his wrist and led him into the bathroom. He cursed under his breath when he glanced at the reflective surface.

"Get in the shower, dumbass." He agreed without argument and undressed himself quickly, eyeing me curiously before removing his boxers. I nodded towards the shower while undoing my belt.

"Are you... joining me?" he questioned slowly, pulling back the curtain.

"I could _not,_ if you'd rather I didn't, but good luck getting that shit off on your own."

"I don't mind," he said as he turned on the water. "Juth't ath'king."

"Well, now you know," I replied, shaking my boxers off my ankle and stepping over the edge after him. He was even more filthy nude, grimy and gritty. "God almighty, it's like you took a fucking mud bath, except worse 'cause this shit sticks."

"You juth't gonna th'tand there and comment on it or were you planning on helping me get it off?" I complained for the next maybe ten minutes while we scrubbed at the dirt, silencing myself only when I started cleaning his face. Too much of my concentration was focused on keeping the soap out of his eyes for me to worry about bitching at him.

"There," I stated when I'd finished. "Fucking done. You're paying to have our pipes drained when all that shit clogs them."

"Thankth'," he replied dryly, turning off the shower. "Glad to hear you truth't me with that responsibility."

"On second thought," I sneered teasingly as I pulled a towel off the rack, "never mind. At least I know I'll have the money to pay the guys with." He pulled a face and turned to close the curtain. I draped my towel over his shoulders in silent apology for my harsh remark, feeling guilty for having made such a low jab as I got another. I wrapped it quickly around myself and before I knew what was happening, Sollux clasped the ends together in his fist and yanked me closer, mashing his lips against mine and driving his tongue in my mouth. I let out a soft hum of gratitude and he released me.

"I really mith'ed you, KK."

"Can this wait until I have clothes on?"

"Fine." We dressed in silence and I followed him into the bedroom. He tucked himself into the farthest corner of the mattress before patting the square of fabric beside him. I took the seat without question and he held me close to him, one arm around my shoulders and another sneaking fingers between mine. "Can I beg for forgiveneth' now, or should I wait for th'omething elth'e?" he half-joked.

"You don't have to, you know. I mean, I know why you acted like a prick, which you're only partially excused for, and, honestly, you were right. I have been the absolute shittiest boyfriend for the past two weeks. If anyone should be 'begging for forgiveness,' it should be me."

"KK—"

"I mean it. You thought I didn't want to be with you anymore, for fuck's sake. You hadn't taken your meds for two straight weeks. That's fourteen days I _should_ have noticed and _didn't._ If that doesn't say 'ignorant, selfish dick,' I don't know what does. I've been so wrapped up in my own stupid, shitty self-pity and loathing and guilt that I forgot what I still had that I should have been focusing on, instead of what was gone. I'm the one who should be 'begging forgiveness.' Not the other way around."

He didn't say anything for a while after that. I wasn't expecting him to, either. I just kind of hoped I hadn't fucked more up than was fucked up before. He hadn't yet taken his arms away, so I guess I didn't disgust him too much yet. When he finally did say something, he didn't look at me or squeeze my hand or anything. He just talked. "I drove all the way to Dallath' yeth'terday. I wath' juth't mad at you. I juth't wanted to get out of here for a bit, th'o I picked a direction and drove. Then, I blinked and I wath' in Tekth'ath', and I thought, 'What am I doing here?' I juth't ath'ked myth'elf, over and over again, 'What am I doing? Why am I in Tekth'ath'? What'th' here that I don't have at home?' The only thing I wath' doing wath' running away. And I hate running away, I hate taking the coward'th' way out. I'm th'orry I th'aid all the shit to you that I did, 'cauth'e whether it'th' true or not, I sure ath' hell could have brought it up in a way that didn't end with me almoth't ragequitting our fuckin' relationship, th'o... yeah. I'm th'orry. And I forgive you, too, becauth'e I should be reth'ponth'ible for taking care of myth'elf, and that meanth' taking my medth' on time. I ath'ked you to help, I didn't ath'k you to do it for me, th'o I should be carrying th'ome of my own weight. If—"

"Sollux. I get it."

"Er... yeah." I leaned into him and he kissed the side of my head gently.

"Sollux."

"Hm?"

"I love you."

"I love you, too, KK."

"Sollux?"

"Hmm?"

I wrapped my arms around his chest and murmured, "Are we still on for Saturday?"

"Th'atur...? What — oh, you're a fucking ath'hole."

"Are we?" I persisted.

"Fuck you," he stated, grinning ruefully.

"I think that's the plan," I smirked, grinning right on back.

* * *

The next Friday was just as relaxed as the Friday before had been, so naturally, I was granted a suspicious anxiety that chose to settle right in the center of my chest. Nothing particularly worrisome occurred at first. Sollux played GTA: SA and I sat beside him and watched, for lack of anything better to do. Well, I lay beside him, anyway, my feet stretching over his lap and my head on the arm opposite him. As I watched the gameplay, I couldn't help but wonder why they only let you have girlfriends in this game. CJ is whoever the fuck you wanna make him be, just so long as your characterization doesn't stray too far from the path dictated by the plot. Why couldn't he be into guys if you wanted him to? I mean, banging the occasional dude could hardly detract from the enjoyability of the game, especially if you could choose against it if you so wished, or chose to do so exclusively.

That train of thought led rapidly to what Sollux and I had planned for the next day. I wondered how it would go. One of my biggest fears was that something would go wrong. It wasn't really as though I had anything to be embarrassed about, considering — as far as I knew — it was the first time for both of us, but I still couldn't shake my misgivings. What if I did something wrong and hurt him? Or what if he decided he didn't want to after all but didn't say anything? I sat up and moved so I was sitting straight up. _What if I can't figure out what to do?_ I thought, biting my lip. _What if I flip out and make an ass out of myself? What if he, o-or, what if I — or what if_ we—

"Sollux. Sollux," I said quickly.

"What?" He sounded mildly annoyed.

"Sollux," I repeated louder, quicker, reaching out blindly and trying to grab his arm, trying to find his attention.

"What, KK, what?" he asked, pausing the game and looking at me.

"I thought—" I started, closing my eyes to concentrate on what I was saying. "—I-I-I-I thought you said, you said that, that, that planning it was supposed to, it's supposed to, to, to take away some of the, some o-of the, uh, p-pressure, not, not, not add to it, Sollux, Sollux—" I forgot how to breathe, I couldn't figure out what the words coming out of my mouth meant before I said them, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't—

"I can't breathe," I panted, finally having found his arm and digging my fingers into his bicep. "I can't breathe, Sollux, Sollux, I-I-I can't breathe, I can't, I can't, Sollux—"

His hand found mine instantaneously. "KK, calm down—"

I swallowed quickly, trying to gulp down air and hyperventilating between swallows of nothing. "Sollux, I can't, can't, can't breathe, can't breathe, I can't, I can't—" Swallow. "—can't breathe—"

"KK! Karkat! Calm down! C-Come on, KK, th'low down, okay? Juth't... r-relakth', okay? T-Take a deep breath, th'top and focuth', juth't, breathe, okay? Th'low down. Take a deep breath. Calm down. Take a deep breath, KK. Juth't, relakth'."

I closed my eyes tighter, concentrating on following his directions, concentrating on taking a breath. "Sollux," I choked out.

"I'm right here, KK. Th'low down, I'm right here."

"Sollux—"

"You're okay. I'm right here. You're okay."

"I'm okay," I wheezed. "I'm okay. You're right here. I'm okay." I repeated those two words for a few minutes, interspersed with the occasional confirmation of his location, until my breathing returned to normal. "I'm okay. I'm okay. What the fuck just happened?"

"Uh... I wanna th'ay that wath'... th'ome kind of panic attack? Or, like, uh, a-an anxiety atta— a-are they the th'ame thing?" Shaking his head, he stated more certainly, "One of thoth'e."

"Alright," I affirmed, furious with myself. "That makes sense."

He studied the couch with a set brow for a moment before looking up at me. "Are you actually thith' worked up about tomorrow?"

Similar to his action before, I dismissed his words with a shake of the head, looking away as I answered him. "Don't worry about it."

His hand found my cheek and lightly guided me back towards him, back to those worry-filled dual-colored eyes. "I worry."

"I know. Seriously, it's not a big deal. I'm just overthinking it."

"Overthinking what, ekth'actly?"

"Sollux—"

 _"KK,"_ he sneered. A tiny, wry smirk hit my lips at the familiarity of the tone.

"Just shit. Really, it's nothing."

"You ekth'pect me to believe that after you had a panic attack right nekth't to me," he stated dubiously.

"No, but I figured it was worth a shot. I'm just... afraid I'll fuck up, I guess."

He immediately smirked at me. "Well, you'll fuck _th'omething,_ though I doubt you'll fuck up."

I tried to give him a disapproving stare that inevitably ended in a snort of laughter. "You're an idiot."

"We've been over thith', KK, I'm your idiot."

"God, I hate you," I scoffed, looking away in an attempt to hide my grin.

He used my lapse in attention to clammer onto my lap, nipping quickly at my neck, my jaw, my earlobe, murmuring as he did, "Hmm, no, you don't."

I gasped at the surprise of his teeth against my skin. "I think I do," I grunted through teeth gritted against louder gasps.

"I think," he began as he slipped a hand beneath my chin, aligning our lips and pressing them together, "you don't."

"Maybe—" I'd been about to agree willingly when he let his other hand drop to palm me through my sweats. "Maybe you're right!" I said quickly, letting out another gasp. His smirk met my frown again and with one last instant of pressure from his hand, he returned to his seat from before, snatching up his controller and continuing to play as though nothing had happened. "You...," I breathed, "are the biggest cock-tease."

A split-second grin broke out over his features as he told me, "I won't be tomorrow."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was about to be really short (like only twenty-five hundred words) and then I realized the next chapter would have been even shorter than this one so I figured I'd just kind of drop it in the bottom here and it fits. This chapter has been one hell of a conglomeration of various events. I like it. That said, I will openly admit that I got super light headed and gave myself one hell of a headache acting out Karkat's anxiety attack for the added realism attribute. I'm quite proud of that.
> 
> Don't forget to review, friends!


	21. 2EE YOU 2OON

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: I woke up today to the most delicious looking array of junkfood I've seen in this house in _months;_ a box of full size Nutter Butters as well as minis and Double Stuff Oreos and two bags of my Honey Mustard and Onion Pretzel Piece thingies and a giant bag of Cool Ranch Doritos all displayed impeccably on the rack next to the stove — and opening the fridge revealed even more spoils! Brown Cow Coffee yogurts abound with my lovely chilled Chai tea drinks and Vanilla Chai Odwalla Protein drinks, not to mention a full gallon of milk (which is uncommon for my grandparents, who only buy in half-gallons) and two cartons of Chocolate Malt Ovaltine. My life is so made guys. Fuck yes.
> 
> Bragging aside, I think I got bitten by a spider or something. On my wrist. I fear I may lose my hand. Unfortunate, really, I quite like all my limbs. No more stories. I'm sorry, friends. Goodbye... Seriously though, I did get bitten by something, or like, broke a capillary? Though I think that would be a lot more bruise-like in appearance. It's just this big, puffy bit of skin on my right wrist. Where the hell do these bugs come from? I was fully conscious whenever this occurred, like, how do they just secretly sneak up and just bite me? They must be part of, like, a Special Ops force, get in, get the job done, get the fuck out, and don't get caught. (Sounds like somethin' Sig would say. Jak II, anyone? "Great, kid, great! Now don't get cocky.")
> 
> And now, here it is! All your patience and stick-to-it-iveness (is that a quote from a movie? RvB, maybe, Sarge's voice is stuck in my head on this, though it does seem an older quote than I would know from RvB) is finally paying off with this chapter. This would have been out sooner except I kept having to fix bits and also school again.
> 
> Chapter Twenty-smut — I MEAN TWENTY-ONE. Enjoy ;)

It was a rare feat, even after sleep-pattern-changing broken rib, that I'd wake up before Sollux of my own accord. As if that weren't enough, I somehow managed to climb over his sleeping form without accidentally jamming my knee into his stomach and jerking him awake. It would just be my luck, however, to wake up for no discernible reason before ten on a weekend, a Saturday no less, and only just before at that. And as that thought rose in my mind, another reason to be wary of Saturday was rediscovered as it had been upon waking every day for the past week, a thought which immediately unleashed a legion of highly excited, vicious, bloodthirsty butterflies in my stomach. Or maybe locusts, for how weak my knees got. I decided a walk would calm me down. Changing and grabbing my phone, I quietly left the house and began to set a course through some backyards in my mind until I realized there was no more Trevor to be worried about being attacked by. The thought didn't comfort the fear I felt walking alone on the sidewalk.

Normally, I'd have called Kanaya at a time like this; asked her opinion, her advice. I figured my next best alternative was a fabricated response. At least, I thought so, until I realized I was having a hard time remembering her voice. I tried not to think about her again after that.

I was about halfway home when my phone vibrated.

Sollux: _where are you?_

I quickly tapped out a response: _I went for a walk._

Him: _oh_

Him: _are you comiing back soon?_

Him: _*coming. stupiid ii button_

Him: _*stupiid *i_

Him: _*STUPID_

I couldn't help but chuckle to myself. _Yeah, I'm on my way home now._

Him: _okay. 2EE YOU 2OON, KK 3_

Me: _You're such a doofus._

Me: _2EE YOU 2OON._

He'd admittedly brought a smile to my face with the shitty code he used. Back in middle school, he'd made a stupid joke about how I should always type in all caps because that's how I sounded when I talked, loud and obnoxious. Of course, I'd had to make a joke about his speech capabilities because I wasn't about to let the kid with a lisp make fun of how I spoke. I said he should write all of his Ss as 2s, and when he argued why not 5s, I explained that he garbled S sounds so much that both characters S and 5 were too similar to normal Ss for his use, while 2s were practically the opposite of fives, an attribute I corresponded to the way he said them. We'd given up that method of speech by the time we reached high school, but we would still end our text conversations with a mix of the two, "2EE YOU 2OON." It was an inside joke for us alone.

The double I, on the other hand, was an unrelated fault of his current phone, the I key having cracked in two soon after he'd gotten it and now occasionally inserting an additional I when he typed, which I found hilariously fitting, despite it not occurring until long after he'd fixed the problem verbally. It was a quirky little thing that only he could pull off, even moreso considering our first ever conversation actually revolved around his inability to properly say Is.

Memories of the two of us in school kept a smile as warm as the late morning sun plastered to my face the whole way home.

* * *

Sollux was in the living room when I entered the house, stretched out over the couch with his laptop on his chest. He glanced up for maybe a full second before looking back at his screen. "Hey."

"Yo. What'cha doin'?" I asked, walking around the couch behind him. Just as the screen of his laptop became visible to me, he closed whatever window he'd had open and shut the computer. I didn't say anything, just raised an eyebrow slightly.

"Th'tuff."

"What kind of stuff?"

"Juth't thingth'."

"Things like...?"

"You'll th'ee."

I shrugged. "Alright."

"Follow me," he said, sitting up and leaving his laptop face down on the couch. He gingerly grabbed my hand and led me into our bedroom before sitting on the mattress, going so far as to pull his legs up and cross them. I followed suit and sat cross-legged on a pillow opposite him, our hands now resting in our respective laps. "Th'o." I doubted the single word was what he so obviously had in mind, so I waited patiently for him to begin. "How do you wanna do thith'?" A noise of realization slipped out before I could stop it, and I could feel my face heating up. _No, no!_ I begged silently. _Stop that. We literally haven't done anything yet, fuck this._ I shook my head, at a loss.

"Well. Let'th' th'tart with thith', do you wanna do it now or later?" I blinked at his inquisitive gaze before opening my mouth and emitting some kind of noise that could have been perceived as "now," if one was paying attention. He smiled in what I took to be encouragement and I managed a weak half-smile back. _Shit, this is too much, I think I'm gonna be sick._

"You okay?" he asked softly, leaning forward and placing a hand on my shoulder. I answered immediately with a shake of my head. "KK. Look at me." It took me a minute, but I finally got around to meeting his eyes. My breath caught and sped up at the same time and he rose his eyebrows expectantly. "KK." I think I might have whimpered at some point. "Th'ekth' ith' th'uppoth'ed to be fun. You're th'uppoth'ed to enjoy it. If you're not gonna enjoy it, I'm not gonna make you do th'omething you don't wanna do."

"No, no, I do!" I argued, cracking my voice. "I just... I-I'm just. Uh. Nerves. I'm just nervous is all."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm sure," I dismissed, suddenly finding his blanket very interesting.

His hand moved from my shoulder to my neck, and the simple action snapped my attention back to him. "I mean it. Are you really sure?"

"Yeah, yes-yes. Yeah. I'm sure." I nodded to solidify my point.

"Then... what do you th'ay we th'tart... like..." He trailed off as the hand that had previously warmed the side of my neck now slid down my chest, the other joining it at the bottom of my shirt and closing around the hem. I sighed hopefully, closing my eyes and jerking my head down slightly to let him know it was okay. The mattress shook as he scooted forward and before I knew it, my shirt was off and his lips were at the base of my neck, sucking gently. Before he got too far into that, I was tossing his shirt off the bed after mine and gripping his hips, wrenching him a few inches closer.

Our lips met and I lost myself in him, thinking that no matter how long he was mine, I'd never get enough of him. I did, eventually, decide I wanted something _else_ after a few minutes, so I waited to catch him unaware then yanked upward, sliding my hands back to grab his ass as I balanced him on his knees. Just as he began to say something, I acquainted his chest to my mouth and stole in a gasp the breath he'd been going to use.

My shorter, stockier build meshed beautifully with his leaner one, and I found myself on more than one occasion admiring the way his muscles stretched beneath his skin as I kissed my way down his torso, ever mindful of each spastic shiver when my lips teased the nerves. His hands braced on my shoulders, my knees on either side of his, every move was electric, potent and heady and enough to shake the stress and worry that had been building up for a week.

I wanna say that from there, it went smoothly. If I said that, however, I'd be lying. It wasn't smooth; it was prompting realized too late and awkward over-corrections to make up for it, and skin against skin and quietly murmured "hold on"s while we repositioned ourselves. It wasn't like you saw in movies, dark, close-up scenes with perfectly bronzed skin that reflected the moonlight shining through the window, and shining hair tousled just-so for the cameras — even less so considering the time of day. It was bright enough that every scar that marked my body shimmered, white and pearly, in the sunlight, bright enough that I could see the tiniest indentations between his ribs. His eyes glowed at me when the sun hit them just right, and if my skin wasn't already burning, just a glance from him in a moment like that was enough to set me on fire.

I rolled when he rolled, pressed back when he kissed, nipped at his neck to drag out whimpers of desire, skimmed my fingers over places they shouldn't be. I hadn't even noticed when our pants came off, just one second they were on, the next, I was granted access where I hadn't been before. Then came the hard part; the rest, that was easy, that was intuitive, playing hot and cold against what I knew he liked and what I knew he didn't, reading his body and granting his unspoken wishes. But this, this was difficult, and I knew it'd be better that he was aware I had no idea what I was doing than struggling through on my own and messing up.

"Sollux," I murmured, my voice coming out dry from lack of use. I cleared my throat quietly as I could and he hm-ed at me. "I don't know what to—"

"Shh." And just like that, I was silenced. He pushed me against the blanket with a kiss and a hand on my shoulder and stretched forward, fumbling with something on the bookshelf we had shoved in the corner between the bed and the dresser. He returned to me with a vicious blush and a thin square of plastic clutched to a small bottle. I nodded at him, swallowing hard as I took them from him. He sat back and observed wordlessly as I tore open the small package. I wondered if I should have waited until later, longing internally for the cover of darkness. But I said nothing and rolled the plastic sheath over my length, trying to figure out whether or not the lustful gleam in Sollux's eyes was only my imagination.

Closing my fingers around the lubricant, I looked up at him. "What now?" He took the bottle from me and opened it with one with one hand, using the other to isolate two of my fingers.

Pouring more than I would have thought necessary onto them — then again, what do I know? — he stated with a challenge in his eyes, "Gueth'." I rose to the challenge with a grin, tangling my clean hand in his hair and tugging him on top of me, atoning for the rough action with a far more rough kiss, desperately fighting for command against his opposing tongue. Using the distraction to my advantage, I let my hand trail down his back on its side as a guide, stopping only when I'd found his tightly-furled entrance. I teased my fingers around it, the lube all but removing the resistance of my fingers against his skin.

I kissed him softer, opening eyelids I hadn't realized I'd closed, and asked the question with my eyes boring into his. "Th'lowly," he instructed faintly. Following his directions, I pushed my forefinger in as deep as the first knuckle. Within a few seconds, it was to the second. As I began to move again, he stiffened above me, biting his lip, closing his eyes, and I froze. A consecutive fast shake and nod led me to believe he wanted me to continue, so I did, driving in slower than before and watching him carefully for a signal to stop, whatever it may be. Upon not receiving one by the time I'd sunken completely in, I began to work at him with the digit, sliding in and out.

There was hardly any friction by the time I added the second finger to the mix, my attention once again trained on him and watching for signs of pain as he adjusted to the sudden drop in speed. It was a slow process, getting him used to the fingers, but we both stuck it through. I couldn't tell what he was thinking, but one thought that perpetually flew through my mind was one of utter disbelief. It was still beyond me that what was about to happen, what was _happening,_ was actually happening. Not that I had any complaints in the matter. Sollux looked fucking amazing like this, too, eyes shut tight and mouth half open, a certain ruddy tint in his cheeks and a negligible sheen of sweat on his forehead.

I captured his lips as I began to scissor my fingers. If this was preparation, two fingers alone wasn't gonna prepare him for jack shit. I swallowed his gasp and waited for him to respond to the kiss before pulling away. He turned his gaze longingly down at my mouth and snuck in another quick kiss before letting me sink into the pillow. We lay there wordlessly until I grunted in frustration. "Sollux, I'm fucking clueless, I need a bit more guidance than you're giving me."

"Oh, uh, right, um." Instead of a verbal clue, he flicked his eyes towards my arm and I realized, _yeah, duh, I should probably get my fingers out of his asshole._ As soon as I did, he crawled to my left and lay down, and I wasn't a complete idiot, so I took that as my cue to... er. Situate myself. I pushed his legs apart and settled between them, straightening the blanket out to look for the discarded bottle from before. Finding it, I slathered a lavish amount over my already throbbing cock and capped it again, leaning forward and resting the head so lightly against where he was already wet and open.

"Ready?"

"Mm-hm."

Pushing just inside of him, I waited for the subsequent wave of discomfort to pass before pressing on. As I sheathed myself deeper, he began fidgeting beneath me, squirming and whimpering, and when I pushed myself flush against him, his fists balled around handfuls of blanket. My hands, previously hooked under his knees, now shifted, one gliding down the outside of his thigh to cup his ass and the other grabbing his shoulder and aligning his collarbone with my teeth. His response was a briefly arched back and a low moan of my nickname. I nuzzled my face into his neck and he begged, raw need dominating his tone, "Move, KK, pleath'e, keep going, juth't move—! _Ah!"_

Further commands died in his throat as I bucked into him. From there, any semblance of order was lost; we moved together, keeping time far too poor to qualify as a rhythm. Everything was heat and friction, slow at first but growing steadily into breathless groans and sweat-slick skin on skin, sloppy, uncoordinated thrusts and hip-rolls and kisses. Every time Sollux moaned my name, my full name, mouth touching my ear and voice shaky on his breath, he took out another chunk of whatever it was keeping me sane, chipped away at the already sizable chink in the armor holding me together.

I adjusted my weight on my knees and, in doing so, triggered something in him, moved in a way that caused me to brush something inside him — something that drove him absolutely insane. A harsh cry accented the curl in his toes, blending seamlessly with the shaking in his knees to create a sight and sensation like nothing else. My stomach clenched and even in the midst of it, the thought that _I was fucking my boyfriend_ seemed unreal to me, which of course only made the action that much more attractive. A surge of pleasure throbbed through my core, numbing me to the soreness of repetition in my muscles and enhancing the unfamiliarly tight pressure around my cock and the visual appeal of the skinny heterochromatic before me.

Leaning in again, I kissed and suckled at the loose skin on the side of his neck, moaning his name against his skin and trying to angle my thrusts in a way that invoked the same reaction as my accidental finding before. Upon aiming upward, I got the desired result with the added bonus of his fingers trying to break skin on my thighs. I continued to aim for that spot, mercilessly driving him closer and closer to the edge even with the knowledge that if he was going down, he was gonna throw me off the precipice with him. The hand on his backside slid up to caress him before closing its fingers possessively around his cock, stroking slow and calm, which was like the thunder rolling in after the lightning strike; rough and belated and exciting, and, knowing Sollux, just enough to send him into freefall.

His entire body shook and a low, guttural growl rose from his throat as he came, beads of white raining down over his stomach and my fingers. That visual was what did me in, added to the thick friction inside him and the pain of his blunt nails contacting my skin, just enough to let me know it was all real, all of it together broke me. The momentum was too much for me to stop when I came inside him, the movement working through my orgasm. It took a huge effort to not actually collapse on top of him, my weak, shaking arms left to somehow hold me up. I pulled slowly out of him, leaving a shuddering sigh in my wake.

Sollux rolled on his side. I rested a hand against his cheek and kissed him softly, leaning forward a bit to yank a tissue out of the box that I could clean him up a bit with. Tossing both that and the condom into the wastebasket, I lay down on his arm. He quickly wrapped the other around me and burrowed into my embrace, still panting. I kissed his forehead, licking my lips of the sweat and adjusting my grip on him. He murmured my nickname over and over into my chest, tracing shapes into my bare back with his fingers. I hummed softly, some tune I recognized but couldn't name, and ran my hands through his sex-strewn hair, mussing it up worse and not giving a single shit.

I could honestly say that, in that moment, I was completely satisfied, not a concern on my mind and pleasantly fulfilled in a completely unique way. Sollux, who lay still half dazed and entirely naked against me, muttered something I didn't catch. After a questioning hm, he repeated, "Wath' it worth the wait?"

"You are such an entitled prick," I laughed. "That was beyond worth the wait."

"Mm. Glad you think th'o."

"You're glad I think you're an entitled prick?" I sneered, knowing full-well that wasn't what he meant.

"If it meanth' I get to do that again, I'll be glad about anything you want." _Oh._ He snuggled into me, adding after a soft, contented moan, "You're th'o great, KK. I love you th'o fucking much and I hate that I do, th'ometimeth', but at the th'ame time I really don't 'cauth'e you're th'o good to me and—"

"Shh. I love you, too. Now shut up and sleep it off, 'cause you're fucking fuck-drunk and I'm too goddamn out of it to deal with you."

"Alright." And just like that, without so much as an taunting word, or a teasing glare, the bastard was out cold, clinging hopelessly to me and letting out tiny, happy little sleep noises. _You little shit,_ I insulted silently. _You were supposed to let go of me first._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You'd think after having read literally _so much gay porn,_ that would have been easier to write. Of course not. Second-guessing myself after like practically every fucking sentence, "Is that realistic? Would it really take that long? Would it take longer than that? Should that be slower? Should that hurt more?" On top of that, I sat with them on the bed together for about thirty minutes with a line of red text below reading, "I wanna porn but I don't know how to porn." Fuck me, just write the damn thing and enjoy the sensation of blood rushing elsewhere.
> 
> Regardless, pretty proud of this chapter. Pretty damn proud of myself, for that matter. Review, loves :)


	22. Balls Deep In the Closet…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: _THIS FIC HIT A HUNDRED FOLLOWERS ON FANFICTION.NET. JUST WANTED TO MAKE THAT ANNOUNCEMENT. CARRY ON WITH YOUR LIVES._
> 
> So kind of not a lot of shit's going on right now, except that it kind of is but it feels so natural that it doesn't seem new or out of place? Like, I found this incredible series of BDSM!Slomogar fics by fyeahmavin on tumblr and I think they killed me. My headphones broke. Um. I lost my phone again, 'cause I'm a dumb, and later found it in my backpack, exactly where I told myself it was, looked for it at, and couldn't find mere hours beforehand. I had a stupid fight with someone I care about that may or may not have actually been a fight. The 3DSxL my grandma bought for my birthday that my parents took credit for came and I promptly played Pokemon X for six hours straight. Also I'm a total dork and literally made Miis for almost every character in this fic and I'm ridiculously pleased with how they all turned out and check my [Thigns & Sutff](http://professor-snap.tumblr.com/thigns-and-sutff) page on tumblr if you'd like to see them.
> 
> HA. HAHAHAHA. So yeah I wrote that before shit went down. The calm before the storm, so to speak. If you for whatever reason missed the memo, shit hit the fan so hard the blades broke off. I have been officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder and put on a 10 mg dose of Citalopram. I'd explain what led to this sudden realization on my family's behalf but a story like that is longer than this chapter, so if you really wanna know, shoot me a PM or Skype me at katgirl28888 (y'all have been super sweet already and wow such love) and I'll get around to explaining when I get back to humanity. Thanks to you all for your honest and genuine understanding and shit, and like, wow, I knew you were great and all, but this is just beyond me. Love you guys. Also, I broke my computer like a complete idiot, pulling it out of my backpack and catching _and_ overextending the disk tray on the zipper, so I'm getting that fixed and simultaneously using that as an excuse to _finally_ have the headphone jack fixed. Anyway. Seriously, I have the best fans ever. Of all time. Chapter Twenty-two, loves~

Unlike the surprisingly heavy, snoring twenty-one year old currently wrapped around my chest, I wasn't the least bit tired after screwing him into the mattress. If anything, I was _exhilarated_ — I'd just fucked my boyfriend for the first time. Had sex with Sollux. _Made love_ to the guy I'd been balls-deep in love with for the better part of seven years. There was almost nothing that could have made this feeling better except maybe him being awake to share it with me, but at the same time, him not being conscious definitely had its perks. For instance, it gave me the freedom to admire his features without being mocked, although it was a bit strange to see such a calm expression grace him. He was always focused, or frustrated, or bored, or angry. Or, on occasion, there was a playful venom illuminating his face, quirking the corner of his mouth in a smirk and crinkling the skin around his narrowed eyes, an irresistible challenge gleaming in them.

Oh, the many faces of Sollux. I had to admit, my favorite was probably his expression when he came. If there was anything perfect on this Earth, it was the expression he wore then; pure, unbridled release, sometimes powerful, sometimes not so much, but always blindingly raw. It was an equally incredible feeling to know that I was a massive part of relieving his stress, because for a first year college kid, my boyfriend was _way_ too stressed for his own good.

Another reason I didn't wake him up was because I so rarely got to see him sleep. I imagined that was a "luxury" he received far more often, all things considered. I'd spent enough semi-conscious nights in his arms to know that nighttime wasn't a particularly sleep-conducive environment for him — which wasn't to say that any other environment was, but the time in which most people slept definitely wasn't much better.

So I lay next to him, too restless to sleep, enjoying my situation too much to wake him up, and too worried I'd do just that to struggle out of his vice-like embrace. Naturally, that wouldn't last long. The digital clock I could just make out from my location announced the arrival of three in the afternoon before I realized, the exact same time my stomach did, that I'd yet to eat that day. After debating whether or not Sollux would be interested in a late lunch (early dinner?), I soon decided I didn't care and woke him up anyway, albeit in the nicest way I could with a peck on the lips.

The first thing he did upon waking to a kiss was reveal a toothy grin. "Hey, asshole," I started, his grin only growing wider, "I'm fucking starving, Sollux."

"Well, go make yourth'elf th'ome goddamn food then. Deliciouth' ath' I'm sure my lipth' are, they're hardly gonna feed you. Why the hell are you waking me up anyway?"

"Obviously, I woke you up so motherfucking sweetly so that you'll feel loved enough to go cook for me. So get off your lazy ass and get in the kitchen, dipshit."

"Ha!" he snorted. "Fuck me again and _maybe_ I'll think about it." He detached himself from me as he spoke, going so far as to face outward, towards the room. Grinning fiendishly as I formed a plot, I slid my arms around him and forcibly pulled him against me, digging my teeth into his neck. The yelps he let out, two in quick succession, played wonderfully into my plan.

"Is that a request?" I growled into his ear, smirking and deliberately _not_ waiting for an answer before elaborating. "Request or command," I said, grazing my nails down his side and tangling a single finger in the wiry hairs just above his groin, "I'll be happy to comply." He practically melted in my hands, moaning softly and shuddering even more so as I teased his skin. The two letters of my nickname rose in a groan on his strained breath as I gripped his length. Fisting the shaft slowly, I added, "That is, I'll do what you ask _after_ you cook for me." As soon as the words left my mouth, I removed my hand and slid it up to his chest, toying with a pert nipple while my mouth worked on his neck.

He squirmed at the loss of contact, groans mixed with comments muttered mutinously under his breath before he finally eked out a disheveled, "Fine!" I smiled in victory just as a brilliant idea popped into my head.

"Good. Now, I'm gonna go do something. You stay right here and _don't move,_ got it?"

He huffed. "You're an ath'."

"Yes," I agreed, starting to climb over him. "But I'm _your_ ass. Or, more specifically, _your_ ass is _mine."_ I somehow got away with a harsh swat at his butt through the blanket before slinking far enough away that he couldn't retaliate.

Throwing on the clothes I was wearing before they were so rudely thrown to the floor by a certain, very _eager_ Mr. Captor, I was stopped by his irritated voice as I left the room. "KK, the fuck am I th'uppoth'ed to—?"

"Shut up. I'll be right back. Don't move," I repeated. Leaving the room, I quickly went around the perimeter and closed blinds, shut curtains, basically blocked anywhere that somebody could see inside the house from the outside before returning to my not-so-patiently-waiting boyfriend. "Alright, get up, get out there, and make food." I paused, adding as an afterthought with a tempting smirk, "And... _maybe_ you'll get a reward." The look he gave me was curiosity with just a touch of concern. Just as he reached for his boxers, I grabbed his other wrist and pulled him upright. "Ah, ah, ah. One thing I forgot to mention; no clothes. Get in there, fuckass."

He shot me a smoldering glare. "You've gotta be shitting me."

"Nuh-uh. Now, you have a decision. You can do this the easy way and get a special treat afterward, or you can do this the hard way—" I leaned in close and murmured against his ear. "—and be punished. The choice is yours," I added, exiting the bedroom and taking up residence in a chair at the dining table. I _might_ have been pushing it with the whole punishment thing, but I supposed I'd wait and see just how things developed before passing off the idea entirely. I was certainly interested if he was. A few seconds later, Sollux walked bare-assed into the kitchen, hesitation in his step. "You look good," I complimented off-handedly.

He flipped me off and stepped, at least appearing slightly more sure of himself than he had entering, towards the cabinet, asking, "Alright, th'o what do you want?"

"Eh. I'm feeling like pancakes. What do you think?"

"I think that it'th', like, half-path't three and you should be looking at th'omething more lunch or dinner like, but at the th'ame time, pancaketh' th'ound pretty fucking great. Th'o yeth'." And so he went about making pancakes, dick hanging out and everything from his shoulders up indescribably florid. Paying as much attention to his physique as I was, I didn't notice he'd finished cooking until the plate was in front of me. I also didn't notice he'd added chocolate chips to the batter until I took a bite. I couldn't help but smile at how much effort he put out for me.

"'Er a'r'ly good cook, ye'rdow yat?" I told him, my mouth full of delicious chocolate chip pancake.

 _He_ had the decency to swallow his bite before suggesting, "Let'th' try that again in _English,_ thith' time."

I almost choked, snorting around the food in my mouth. Swallowing, I repeated, albeit more comprehensibly, "You're a really good cook."

"Of fucking courth'e I am, I've been cooking for you for yearth'. Figured at th'ome point, I better learn how, 'cauth'e I sure ath' hell wath'n't gonna eat whatever charcoal you turned out."

"Oh, thanks, dipshit, I give you a fuckin' compliment and you put me down, way to be," I teased. "I guess that's reimbursement for your shitty voice."

He grinned perversely at me. "What are you talking about? My voith'e ith' _gold._ Watch, I'll th'erenade you." He then proceeded to sing — very poorly — Sugar, We're Going Down. I stopped him mid-word with a hand over his mouth.

"No. Sollux, you sing again, I'm gonna kill you." He broke out in giggles, eating and now humming the song. "I was talking about your lisp anyway. But dude, you're more tone deaf than a dying whale."

"Whale noith'eth' are known to be very th'oothing."

 _"You_ aren't."

"Well maybe my whale noith'eth' aren't, but I can think of th'omething elth'e that ith'." He punctuated his statement with waggled eyebrows and a venomous grin.

"You're an idiot," I grinned, smacking him over the back of the head.

"You love me."

"Maybe." He pouted at me. I rolled my eyes and quickly finished the rest of my breakfast. He cleared his plate and was kind enough to pick up both and put them in the sink. While he was washing them, I came up as quietly as I could behind him, wrapping my arms around his torso. I pressed my lips to his back, smiling at the shiver that trembled beneath them. I stretched up, the scratchy fabric of my clothes rubbing against his skin as I held myself against him. "I love you, Sollux," I whispered. He smiled and relaxed, and I leaned against him, keeping him close and regretting that I'd put my clothes back on. A few minutes later, he switched off the water and dried his hands, clingy boyfriend in tow. Realizing he wasn't getting rid of me that easily, I caught his smirk in the reflection in the cabinet above the sink and maintained our closeness as he led me back to the bedroom.

Finally unlatching me from him, he practically ripped off my shirt and shoved me back on the bed, climbing on after me and meeting my lips in a kiss. "Th'o about that reward..." I answered him by jamming my tongue into his mouth and sliding my hands down his back. He smiled against my mouth and moved his fingers down, deftly undoing my jeans and jerking them down, taking my boxers with them. He broke the kiss just long enough to scoot them off, kissing both thighs before moving back up.

"God, you look great right now," he murmured, pressing a long kiss to the edge of my jaw.

"Shut up, you're ruining it," I muttered, my words almost incomprehensible even to me.

"Ruining what?" he snorted, biting my neck harshly.

"Your reward."

The sex was almost better the second time.

* * *

Curling up with him for our second post-fuck cuddle was almost better than the first time. He was all flushed skin and moles and birthmarks I was finding for the first time and thick, hot breath warming my face and sticky, smelly sweat and I couldn't think of anything better. I was sure I couldn't have been much worse, just as gross and breathless as he was, but that didn't stop his hands from roaming up and down my body, or his lips from pressing gentle, feverishly hot kisses wherever they could reach. Before either of us had caught our breath, I turned to him and muttered something along the lines of, "Let's go watch a movie." He grinned in response and found my hand with his, practically rolling off the mattress and dragging me carelessly after him. Partially clothed with king-size comforter in tow, Sollux went about setting up the couch and movie while I got snacks.

"You want anything to drink?" I called, hitting the microwave's popcorn preset.

"Yeah, grab uth' a two-liter."

Scanning the fridge, I replied, "We're outta soda."

"Find th'omething elth'e, then." Five minutes later, we sat side-by-side, a bowl of hot popcorn on my lap and a mug of cocoa per dork. One lame action movie later, it was still only around quarter to seven. Sollux had forced himself to his feet and swapped the movie for GTA IV and quickly moved back to the couch. I stretched out over the length of the couch and set my head in his lap.

It was around an hour later when I sat up. "Hey," I said out of the blue, catching Sollux's attention. He paused the game for a moment and looked at me.

"What'th' up?"

"We should play hide-and-seek."

He laughed and continued his game. "What are we, eight?" My cheeks burned in embarrassment and I returned my head to his lap without another word on the matter. After a few minutes, I caught him glance down at me just moments before he paused again. "Chrith't, you _are_ a child," he decided, shooting me a smile to soften the insult. I sat up in excitement, refusing to let his teasing damper my mood.

"Seriously?" I asked hopefully.

"Duh. I juth't th'aid I would, didn't I?" I grinned and threw my arms around his neck, planting a not-so-neat kiss on his cheek and absolutely refusing to even consider how cliché and cheesy it was. He made a sound of disgust and pushed me away, grinning. "Get off, dumbfath'e!" I leaped up off the couch, paying no mind to the insincere insult.

"You're counting first!" I shouted, grabbing his hand and trying to yank him to his feet. I practically jumped around him as he slowly made his way to a corner. He was right, I even felt like a child, an overly-excited kid waking up early Christmas morning and trying to drag his parents out of bed so he could open presents sooner. I couldn't say exactly _why_ I was so thrilled — he was only just going to play hide-and-seek with me, it wasn't like he'd agreed to _marry_ m—

_Where the fuck did that come from?_

I pushed the thought away. Hide-and-seek, in any case I wouldn't normally have found so exciting, except that this was _Sollux_ and I couldn't remember the last time we'd done something as stupid as play hide-and-seek in the dark.

"Fine," he humored me, still with an air of vague amusement. "I'm only counting to ten. Get your ath' moving and hidden, dipshit." I didn't waste any time in getting to a hiding spot, pausing for scarcely a second only to check he wasn't looking before vaulting into our room and wriggling my way under the bed. With Sollux, it was better to hide low rather than high; had I attempted to hide on the top bunk, what with him being as tall as he is, I'd have been spotted near instantly. He certainly wasn't an idiot or anything, so it's not that hiding _under_ the bed was a brilliant spot by any means, but it at the very least ensured I'd last more than two seconds after he called it. I did, just barely, and then we swapped places and went again. Childish as the game was, it was one of the most fun things I'd done in a while, even moreso after Sollux suggested we take a break for a couple of drinks.

That then was how I found myself, pleasantly buzzed with the slightest rush of adrenaline coursing through my veins, sat with my knees clutched to my chest in the hall closet by the front door, tucked into the corner in the hope that, even if he did peek in, he wouldn't notice me and carry on looking elsewhere. Naturally, that didn't work, though my hiding spot threw him off for a good minute longer than any previous attempt had. He still popped in and shot me a smirk, light from the entry hall gleaming off his glasses. Rather than allowing me to stand, he crossed the small room in two long strides, plonking himself right down next to me.

It wasn't long before he'd pulled me onto his lap, hugging me to him. "Dude, why are we cuddling in a closet?" I asked, somewhat incredulously. "I mean, hell, I'm all for it, but—"

"Shoosh." And that was that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's so flippin' cheesy. Oh well, fucking deal, Karkat's a hopeless romantic and Sollux loves making his boyfriend happy. In regards to possible amends for the shitty terrible near (over?) month long wait for this chapter, I'll be putting out the next one in just a few days, including an explanation as to how it came to be (quite a lovely story) and a possible bonus for my wonderful readers. You guys are great.
> 
> Review, you amazing people you!


	23. We Should Do This Again Sometime

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Yeah so turns out my headphone jack is broken beyond repair. I have my laptop back in my possession though. I press Win-E and Windows Explorer opens to the Computer page and I see "DVD RW Drive (D:)" and I double click it and it says, "Please insert a disk into drive D:." and I'm just like, "NO, IT DOESN'T EXIST, PLEASE INSERT THE ACTUAL FUCKING DRIVE D:!" because there's now just this gaping hole in the side of my laptop where the disk drive used to be. *sad*
> 
> Also, the end of last chapter was supposed to be the first part of this chapter, but I ran out of things to write, so I figured I'd just knock it in there. The lovely explanation behind the first part of this and the last part of the previous chapter is that I drew out a floorplan for their house for lack of anything better to do one day and I showed it to my friend and she's like, "Lemme see it," so I left it with her during math. End of the period, she hands it back to me with cute little drawings of Sollux and Karkat around the house and the caption, "It was missing it's tenants." If you guys wanna see the floorplan, it's under the same [Thigns & Sutff](http://professor-snap.tumblr.com/thigns-and-sutff) link on my tumblr that I gave you last time. I'm quite proud of it. There'll be a neater, digital version up later that actually labels everything in a not shitty way, in case you have any trouble deciphering what's what. Which leads perfectly into how this chapter came to be, Megan, in drawing them around the house, misinterpreted the front closet for the shower. I think you can figure out how that corresponds.
> 
> Lots of smut lately. Should I continue the trend or actually write some plot? Because I _could_ do either. I suppose this is some form of plot. Kind of. That being said, content-wise, I do explain BDSM if you don't know what it is, so don't worry about looking it up if you don't know what it is (though I assume, if you're reading this, you've most likely read enough fanfiction to know what it means).
> 
> Chapter Twenty-Three, ladies and gentleman (I can now say gentleman because I had a guy friend read this. Other than him, I sincerely doubt any guys read this. Hence the singular). Also, longest chapter to date. Very pleased about this. Enjoy~

Sollux had gotten progressively more touchy-feely over the next ten minutes, his hands slipping just under my shirt, his mouth pressing more insistently on the back of my neck. I was more than okay with it, but it seemed the lack of tiredness from before had caught up with me and my eyelids were drooping whether I wanted them to or not. Of course, the hand I suddenly felt at my crotch helped them shoot open again. What it didn't do, however, was clear the sleepy fog covering my mind — or find my thought-to-mouth filter for me before I said something stupid.

"How come you won't blow me?"

I only realized I was the one who'd said that after his teeth froze at my neck. _Alright. What deranged fucking part of me decided that was a reasonable thing to ask, the alcohol, the exhaustion, or the retardation?_

"What." _Whelp. I've dug this hole deep enough. What's the difference of a few more feet, right? Fuck me._

"How come you haven't gone down on me?" I repeated, scooting sideways to look at him. "I've sucked you off so many times by now I've lost count, but you haven't given me a blowjob. I'm not asking you to, if you don't want to. I just wanna know why you haven't."

"I. Uh." He swallowed visibly. "'Cauth'e I'm th'upid about thingth', alright?" He didn't sound as defensive as he did dejected as he looked away. _That was a pretty shit answer._ I supposed I'd tell him as much.

"That was a pretty shit answer."

He turned back and gave me a hard stare. "Fine, then, in cath'e you hadn't notith'ed, KK, I'm not all that good with my mouth. I hardly think I'd be any good th'ucking your cock when I can't th'o much ath' _th'peak_ like a normal perth'on."

I raised an eyebrow and scoffed, settling back against his chest. "You're a fucking moron."

"Would you like me to try?" he asked, his pitch high out of sarcasm and... fear, maybe? Yeah, definitely a touch of that. "'Cauth'e I can if you want me to. But I'll warn you now, I'm gonna feel like shit when you don't come 'cauth'e I'm bad at it." I straightened up and looked at him for a solid thirty seconds before looking away, thinking hard.

Smoothing a hand up his chest as I looked back to him, I curved it around the side of his head and kissed him roughly, the pressure I only just noticed in my boxers deciding for me. Stretching my hand up a little more, I gripped his hair and kissed a tiny line to his ear, murmuring, "I'll help you. If you even need it."

"That'th' gonna do wonderth' for my th'elf-eth'teem," he pointed out dryly.

"I didn't know how to suck dick before I blew you. It's not like I'd ever done it before. I mean, it's not that fucking hard, either, you literally just suck dick." His expression didn't change. I sighed and added, "Think about it this way: would you rather sit here, knowing your boyfriend's horny and not satisfied when there's something you could have done about it and _didn't,_ or would you rather try with a little guidance and know that you caused the sweaty, jizz-covered mess leaning against the wall afterward?" The groan that came out of his throat let me know that my words had done the trick.

I pushed myself to my feet and helped Sollux to his knees, stepping around him once he was steady and knocking my elbows lightly against the wall behind me. He glanced up dubiously and carefully hooked the waistline on my underwear. I shot him a smirk as my half-hard length presented itself just above the cotton. He dragged them down to my knees before tentatively gripping my cock, stroking it slowly and moving his head sideways to get a different view. He looked up at me again and I threatened coldly, the tiniest hint of teasing pervading my tone, "I swear to God, if we find out you're really fucking great at this and you've been depriving me this whole time—"

My words were lost in a groan when the wet heat of his mouth covered me. I shut my eyes tight and pressed my shoulders to the plaster, finding the back of his head with a hand and letting it rest there as he began to move around me. "Fuck." I swallowed and leaned forward, my stomach tightening. "Oh, God." Within a minute, I'd been reduced to a panting jumble of nerves, pleasure shooting up through my gut as his tongue swirled the head. He didn't take me very deep, rather focusing on the what he immediately could. The disconnect at lack of attention to everything else was disconcerting, to say the least, and I attempted to nudge him in the right direction with a tug and a gentle push to the back of his skull.

He picked up the idea quick, pushing his head further and following his mouth with his hand when it slid back. I was nothing but hoarse curses and helpless whimpers, broken phrases begging for him to keep going and disjointed words that made even less sense out loud than they did in my head. I forced my eyes open to admire him — knees indenting the shitty carpet, one hand on my dick, the other on his own, lips sliding over me, back and forth, over and over and _over,_ he'd never looked as good to me as he did in that moment. The sight alone was enough to send a shudder of a feeling I'd learned to associate with him alone straight to my groin, and before I could even warn him, I was coming into the back of his throat, on his lips as he pulled his head away. Strings of off-white hung haphazardly from his mouth to the tip of my cock, disappearing as he stuck his tongue out to lap at them.

The instant I saw that, my legs decided they'd done their work and I found myself sliding down the wall, coming to rest finally with Sollux framed between my knees, my boxers having slipped to my ankles at some point. I panted heavily, trying to catch my breath, and watching listlessly as he licked at something shimmery on his hand. The realization of what it was sent another groan straight through me, and I turned my head away in disbelief. He didn't hesitate to settle between my legs, leaning lightly against my chest. I glared at him.

"Fuck you, I fuckin' hate you. Asshole," I told him harshly, resting my head on his shoulder.

He looked at me with alarm and genuine concern in his gaze. "Fuck. Th'ee, I knew I'd—"

"You could have fucking been doing _that_ this whole goddamn time. I hate you." With that, I buried my face in the crook of his neck, pressing a single, gentle kiss to the back of his shoulder.

He didn't speak again. Remembering vaguely that he had, at some point, began to attend to himself, I peeked up from behind him and saw that he was still straining against the fabric of his boxers. Returning my head to his shoulder, I kissed his shoulder blade again, hoping to distract him as I worked my hand into his pants. Fisting his length, I dealt with him quickly, soaking up each moan like audible candy.

* * *

"Come here, KK." Sollux's command greeted me as I exited the bedroom the next day.

"What's this about?" I asked, walking toward him on the couch. That tone of voice generally meant he had some sexual question on his mind. Figured I may as well be certain, though. "Is this some sex thing?"

He looked at me with a raised eyebrow over his shoulder, closing his laptop partway as I climbed over the back of the couch and crossed my legs, facing him. A single cushion lay forlorn between us.

"Yeah." He answered rather tentatively.

"Alright. I'm fucking sick of being awkward about this shit, I've already fucked you, what do I care? What's up?"

He looked both stunned and amused for a moment before glancing at his laptop. Turning back to me, he asked quietly, "What do you know about BDEth'M?"

I almost couldn't hide the grin threatening to overtake my expression. If he was going with this where I thought he was, I would be very pleased. Outwardly, however, I was curious where he'd take it left to his own devices. "I don't know what that is."

He sighed softly. "Figureth'."

"But I'm guessing you _do._ So. Educate me."

He blinked at me. "Um. Okay. BDEth'M is a kink comprith'ed of three partth'. The firth't part, the B and D bit, th'tandth' for bondage and dith'ipline, the former of which obviouth'ly involveth' reth'traintth', gagth' and blindfoldth', handcuffth' and whatnot, the like. Dith'ipline, however, dealth' moth'tly with, almoth't what you did yeth'terday, rewardth' and punishmentth'.

"The th'econd part, the DEth', ith' dominanth'e and th'ubmission. Bath'ic enough, I think you can figure that one out. Mikth'ed with other kinkth', thith' can prove rather... volatile," he stated uncertainly, seemingly picking his words with the utmost care. He needn't have bothered, considering I'd stopped listening at some point and settled for merely watching him talk. Fantasizing about where else those lips could be at that moment was proving much easier after the previous night.

"The lath't part, Eth'M, ith' th'adomath'ochith'm. Thith' one ith' th'entered moth'tly around pain, and I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that ath'pect, though it doeth' alth'o deal with humiliation, which I'm admittedly far more okay with. Ropeburn doeth'n't neth'eth'arily th'ound all that bad, either." He looked at me expectantly, waiting for a reaction I wouldn't give. I was still lost somewhere in the closet. "You are not even lith'tening to me, are you. I bet if I keep talking in an informative tone of voith'e, you're juth't gonna th'tare at me and pretend to lith'ten to me. Ith' that right?"

"Mm-hmm."

He chuckled. "You're th'uch a prick." With that, he opened his computer back up and continued whatever he was doing.

When I finally noticed he'd stopped talking, I shook my head quickly, mentally kicking myself for not paying enough attention. "Wait, what?"

"Oh, you didn't mith' much, I juth't explained the whole thing and you're gonna have to reth'earch anything you didn't catch yourth'elf becauth'e I'm not repeating it, fuckhole." After a short burst of laughter, I smirked and scooted closer to him.

"I know what BDSM is, idiot. I just wanted to hear you talk about it."

"You weren't doing much lith'tening," he pointed out, sneering at his computer for half a second.

"Not _attentively._ Just for something in the background. Your voice is soothing."

His incredulous glare whipped around to meet my smirk. Staring for a moment, he muttered, "I fucking _hate_ you," before turning back to his screen, hiding his hint of a grin. I beamed back and snuggled up against his shoulder, watching him play Alchemy on Yahoo! Games.

Eventually, I stretched up a bit and whispered, "Y'know, if we do get into this BDSM shit, I'm obviously going to be your dom."

"Th'ayth' who?" he asked indignantly.

"You already bend to my will, it goes without saying."

"Humph. Not true."

"Tell me, Sollux, exactly which parts of BDSM are you interested in?" I slid my hand down his arm as I spoke, locking my fingers around his wrist when I continued. "Is it the bondage? Do you want me to tie you to the bed and watch you squirm when I don't give you the attention you're begging for?" The only response he seemed capable of managing while his eyes widened was a whimper, his game immediately forgotten. "Or maybe you like sub/dom play better. You're definitely submissive enough as is." I punctuated the statement with a biting kiss on his neck, drawing out another pathetic whimper preceded only by his shocked gasp.

"Is it the punishments you're so eager to receive? I'd love to have some way to keep my bad boy in line, you know." His cheeks got, if at all possible, even more red. That's when it clicked for me. "Oh, I get it," I murmured slowly. "You wanna be humiliated, don't you? You wanna be put down and mocked and seen for the pathetic bitch you are, is that right? I wouldn't be surprised if you were getting off on just the sheer embarrassment of these questions. Is that right?" He could barely choke out a stuttered "fuck" before I had his laptop moved to the coffee table and my knees on either side of his, straddling his thighs.

"I'm curious, so, tell me: what were you doing yesterday, Sollux? When I walked in and you instantly hid your computer like you had a secret to keep. What was that, hm?"

He looked away abashedly, pitch too high and reply too quick when he said, "N-Nothing."

I smiled and narrowed my eyes, bringing my hand up from where the nails had been skritching little shapes into the side of his stomach to cup his cheek. He caught himself just in time to keep from leaning into my palm. "Oh, Sollux, you're not disobeying me already, are you?" I asked softly, stroking his cheek with my thumb. "Tsk. I'd hate to have to punish you _this_ early." I dug my nails into his neck as I touched the tip of my nose to his and a harsh gasp tore from his throat just as his frantic hands found my shoulders, pushing me away.

"Shit, KK, th'top." His tone was high and panicky, and I was instantly afraid I'd gone too far. I immediately leaned back, waiting for him to collect his thoughts and attentively watching him for a more obvious sign that I'd fucked up. He eventually formed a clear sentence, muttering in a reserved manner, "KK, if we're gonna... do... _any_ of thith', like, at all, we have to have a th'afeword."

I looked at him curiously for a moment, the thought having not even crossed my mind until he mentioned it. "A safeword," I repeated, tone neutral. "Okay. Did you have one in mind?"

"Kind of. It obviouth'ly hath' to be th'omething we wouldn't normally th'ay, but th'omething we'll be able to remember."

"I like how you're making it seem like I'll ever be using it."

"You might!" he offered meekly.

I rolled my eyes at him. "Yeah, likely."

"Shut up. Anyway, I wath' thinking—"

"I also like how you having already thought of this means you've had this on your mind for a while."

"KK!" he whined. I grinned at him, shrugging as I finally humored him and settling for bracing my hands on his thighs. _"Th'o._ I wath' thinking, unleth' you'd rather uth'e th'omething th'imple like red for th'top and yellow for th'low down, we could uth'e our zodiac th'ignth'."

I cocked my head at him. "Why?"

"I'unno. I figured, hey, we both know 'em, we're not gonna forget 'em any time th'oon, th'o why not? And in my opinion, it'th' better than th'ome generic th'toplight color shit and leth' likely to come up in normal converth'ation."

I chuckled softly. "Alright, but I don't see what about any conversation we're having involving a safeword is gonna be normal." His face brightened slightly. I grinned. "I do like the stop or slow down idea, though. Why don't we make Gemini the slow down and Cancer the stop?"

"Workth' for me." I smirked, glad that we were able to so easily deal with that.

"Now, on the other hand, I believe I've left you with a little... problem," I murmured, grinding my lap into his.

"Nnnnnngh. KK."

"Ah-ah." I dug my fingers into his scalp and turned his head so that my lips were right at his ear. "You are to address me as Karkat only. Understood?"

"Y-Yeth', Karkat."

A shudder ran up my spine. "Good boy." Something similar ran up his. I licked a long stripe up his neck, one hand toying with his hair and the other finding creative new ways to maneuver under into his pants. The poor angle of my hand and light brushes of my fingers were driving him more wild than the mind games we were playing, and those were driving him crazy enough as it was. The noises he made were, in a way, different than anything I'd heard before, and it tripped me out to think every time I got him moaning was better than the previous somehow. I'm sure that was the last thing on his mind, however, when I finally got fed up with the restraints of denim and practically tore apart the zipper.

His moans got sharper, and I almost continued out of sheer habit when he groaned out my nickname — then I remembered my earlier command.

My hand immediately found its way back to open air, coming to rest on my own thigh. He whimpered at the loss of attention, finally opening his eyes when I didn't concentrate it anywhere else. "KK?" he questioned softly, panting. I hardened my glare as much as I could, burgundy eyes meeting red and blue.

"Did I say you could call me KK?" His eyes widened in realization of what he'd done wrong.

"No, but—"

"Then why did you?"

"I-I... um. I, uh—"

"You what?"

"I don't know," he whispered, looking down.

"You don't know," I chided. "Hm." I began to climb off of him, paying no mind to his protests. "I think I'll leave you alone for a while to figure out exactly why you _did."_ Walking towards the room without the slightest trace of regret, I added, "I might be willing to listen to an apology in, oh, I don't know, half an hour? We'll see."

He leapt off the couch, chasing after me without hesitation. "Wait, KK — K-Karkat, wait, you can't juth't—"

"Oh, but Sollux, I can. One more thing, you're not allowed to finish yourself off. You wouldn't want an even harsher punishment, would you?" With that, I turned into the room and shut the door after me, relishing in his forlorn whine from the other side of it. He had his laptop. He'd be fine for now.

Unfortunately for me, in intentionally leaving him with a problem, it appeared I had left myself with one as well, but unlike my flustered boyfriend in the room over, I didn't have anything against resolving my own issue, and quickly settled on our bed to do so, pausing beforehand to lock the door, so as not to be walked in on. Not that it wasn't anything he hadn't seen before, but I had a feeling I'd be just guilty enough to, if he caught me doing exactly what I told him not to, give in to him, and I wasn't about to give in on the first try.

Mere minutes later, I was panting half-against the pillow, slow, heavy breaths mixed with soft whimpers I hoped he couldn't hear. Eventually, I caught my breath and left the room, praying my face wasn't too flushed. Pouring myself a glass of water, I heard footsteps behind me. Turning towards them, I found Sollux with an already embarrassed blush on his cheeks, his head down, and his hands locked together — covering a rather noticeable bulge in the crotch of his jeans.

"May I apologize now?" I smirked and pretended to consider it before nodding. "I-I'm th'orry for dith'obeying you."

I took a sip of my water. "Are you really?"

"Yeth', I really am, K—" He cut himself off. "Karkat."

"I don't know if I believe you, Sollux."

"Karkat, pleath'e, I-I mean it!"

"Are you going to make it up to me?" I asked, taking another drink.

"Yeth', o-of courth'e—"

"How?"

"I... I-I don't know. Any way you'd like me to."

"Good answer," I said smugly, walking around him towards the couch.

He followed a few feet behind me, taking my hand when I offered it and kissing me back as soon as our lips touched. I pulled him down on top of me, into the position I had been over him nearly ten minutes before. I supposed, in a way, I had given in, having released him from his punishment sooner than I'd said I would, but I figured, as long as he was in this mood, I could do whatever I wated to him. An idea popped into my head just as I found the fly on his jeans again, pulling it apart and filling my hands with him. He groaned and let his head fall into the crook of my neck as I palmed him through his underwear.

My smirk widened when I stopped to move him onto the couch, resulting in a pathetic whimper until I slid both jeans and boxers down just enough that his cock hung comfortably out. I wrapped a hand around it, slowly stroking from base to tip before dragging my mouth down to meet it. Kissing along the shaft, I grinned and licked underneath the length of it, closing my lips over the head as soon as they met it. He pressed his head against the arm of the couch, whining when I swirled my tongue around the cock in my mouth.

I worked him down torturously slowly, cupping his balls in one hand and stroking his cock wherever my mouth didn't reach yet. It wasn't long until his knees were shaking, and right when I knew he was close, I pulled away completely, sitting back and watching him writhe uncomfortably. "Karkat," he simpered.

I crawled over him, moving until I sat low on his stomach. Leaning forward, I pressed my lips into his neck and dragged my nails up his side, skimming over his chest while I mumbled, "You're pathetic." His back arched at just my words, and I knew I'd really hit the jackpot with this whole humiliation thing. Biting down quickly, I sat back up and scooted towards his feet, settling on his thighs.

Gripping his painfully hard dick, I fisted the shaft slowly and looked at him straight on. "Don't break eye contact." His eyes unfocused briefly before meeting mine, and he nodded. "Good. What were you doing on the computer yesterday?" He looked vaguely distraught, and far more concerned with my hand than my question. He groaned, both in pleasure and apprehension of answering, and turned his eyebrows up in the most hopeless expression of hope I'd ever seen. I ignored it and stilled my hand. He whined again and I repeated the question, resuming my motions even slower. He whimpered and tried to buck into my fist, closing his eyes. I jerked roughly upward, resulting in a gasp as his eyes shot open. "Don't break eye contact," I repeated, harsher. "Strike one."

He eventually forced his gaze to return to mine. My name came out through gritted teeth when my hand began to work him over again. "Are you going to answer the question?" I asked slowly, smirking as another blush rose in his cheeks.

"Yeth'."

"Then answer: what were you doing on the computer?"

"I wath'... reth'earching." His cheeks burned even brighter, and the instant I rewarded him with a faster stroke, he tore his eyes away from me. Frowning, I pulled my hand away, which brought forth a pitiful sob. "Karkat, pleath'e!"

"Strike two," I ground out, reaching up to grab a fistful of hair. Giving him an empty smile, I warned, my tone sickly sweet, "One more and you're gonna be left here all alone."

He shivered and whispered, "Okay. Th'orry."

"Don't apologize to me. The only one who'll suffer will be you, love." His lips quirked down in a miniscule frown before falling open as I returned my fingers to his dick. "So then. What were you 'researching'?"

"Harneth'eth'." He gasped when I offered his reward.

"Anything else?"

"Ropeth'." Whine. "H-Handcuffth' a—" Gasp. "—a-and th'preaderth'!" The shudder in his moan should have been illegal.

"That it?" I prompted, my voice wavering a bit.

"Gagth'," he answered hurriedly. "That'th' it." His voice was scarcely more than a breathy murmur by now, me fully devoted in my effort to finish him off. My name came high and broken in his throat just as he came.

"Good boy," I whispered in his ear, stroking him through his orgasm. "Very good boy, Sollux." He whimpered. "God, you're gorgeous. You know, I think we should keep the curtains in this room closed. Give you more opportunities to show me what I want." He nodded, finally allowed to close his eyes and doing just that. I pushed his right leg against his left and lay down next to him on the edge of the couch. He pulled his right arm into his chest and curled against me, burrowing his face into my neck.

For a while, it was nothing but heady pants on my collarbone and gentle, calming scratches on Sollux's back through his shirt. I thought I caught a few "I love you so much"s here and there, though I couldn't be certain. He clung to me until the sun began to set, hours upon hours of him keeping me within grasp and sliding in and out of consciousness. I almost felt guilty for having put him through something so taxing, but I soon remembered the look in his eyes when I punished him, when I commanded and reprimanded him, insulted him, and any regret vanished.

Around ten, he finally woke up enough to make coherent conversation, or at the very least, to move to the bed. My stomach grumbled unhappily as I passed the kitchen, but I silently told it to shut up and ignored the hunger. I quickly decided I wouldn't mind all that much going to bed hungry, but oh my needs were severely unfulfilled. A shower was in desperate order, food next on the list, and lastly, use of the bathroom, which, unlike eating, could not wait.

Returning to the bedroom, I found Sollux already under the covers, eyes shut and seemingly asleep. I wondered if he'd even remember walking here himself until he opened his mouth and said, "Come to bed, KK." I smirked and climbed in next to him. He wrapped an arm around my waist and muttered, his lips on the back of my neck, "Remind me to do that again."

"Do what?" I replied, tired mind drawing a blank.

"Today." _Oh._

"Yeah, okay."

"That wath' really great."

"Was it now?" I asked smugly, a smile forming on my lips.

"Mmm. You're fucking incredible."

"Go to bed."

"I love you."

"Love you, too, asshole." He chuckled and relaxed against me, slipping easily back into sleep. It wasn't long until I followed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jesus fuck that was great to write. Nowhere near as difficult as twenty-one and, in my personal opinion, just as, if not more, enjoyable. Twenty-one was honest and slow and sweet and as perfect as they could make it, and this was raw and hot and dirty and goddamn. If you don't understand any of what I wrote in this chapter, I suggest you ask me rather than Google it. Bad things happen when you Google this (though I honestly doubt and of you would mind, considering you're reading this). Also I enjoy explaining things. ^-^
> 
> Speaking of explaining things, somebody asked what Sollux said the SM stood for because his lisp was fucking things up. If you don't know/can't read it, it stands for sadomasochism, a word compounded from sadism and masochism. The former, sadism, is used in regards to someone who enjoys bringing pain or humiliation to another. Masochism's the other side of this coin, the enjoyment of verbal or physical abuse — more often than not, within a reasonable sense, but I've seen some unbelievably sketchy BDSM scenes, so I can say with a fair certainty that that's not always the case. A good Dom, which, of course, Karkat is, will, whilst enjoying the scene, _always_ pay the utmost attention for their safeword(s).
> 
> Review, sweethearts!


	24. College Is Clearly a Mistake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: A horde of wild Plot appears! (Gore, self harm, attempted suicide — content warning)
> 
> So basically, I've been at my parents' house since the twenty-second and I've had dick for internet. Let me just say, fuck that. It got to the point, literally, where I'd attempt to check my email and I'd get this page that said, "ERROR: The requested URL could not be retrieved. The following error was encountered while trying to retrieve the URL: [URL] Connection to [IP] failed. The system returned: _(110) Connection timed out._ The remote host or network may be down. Please try the request again. Your cache administrator is root." Save Yahoo! Mail, Tumblr, and FF, I could get on about anything else, YouTube included. What the fuck, internet.
> 
> Other than that, I've had a lovely time here. I figured out how to hook up my PS3 controller to my laptop so that I can use it with my emulators (WHICH IS FUCKIN' BOSS) and I've been playing Banjo-Kazooie and Banjo-Tooie and Conker's Bad Fur Day (holy fucking shit, those three are the absolute bomb) and Namco Museum and Sonic Adventure and Dead or Alive 2 and Gauntlet Legends and Theme Park and Virtua Fighter and oh man, oh man, old video games, do _not_ even get me started. Also, I nicked some alcohol from my dad and let me just say, beer and late night writing is a thing that needs to happen way more often. I'm one of those giggly drunks (beer also may have been a contributing factor to the length of this AN, but hey, y'know, whatev).
> 
> AND CHRISTMAS, I MEAN, AMIRITE? So. Presents. Let me see. I got, like, a bajillion different things from the Rooster Teeth Store. Their merch makes me so happy, I don't even have any wall space left for posters and I think my entire wardrobe now is RT shirts and hoodies and I just. Yes. I got the blu-ray RvB box set and the Caboose messenger bag and the Sarge beanie (that I've yet to take off since I unwrapped it). Other than that, I FUCKING GOT A NEW PHONE ASKDJFKSLAJF. Fucking fuck, it's about goddamn time, six fucking months after it broke. Christmas man. I mean, for whatever reason, I didn't feel much of the season spirit this year, but hey, free shit, right? Totally. You guys should totally tell me what you got and/or share your pain if you didn't receive very much. If you didn't, I hereby dedicate this chapter to you.
> 
> Also, I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but Eve 6. If you don't love them, I'm sorry, we can't be friends (totally kidding, just fucking talk to me and I'll be your friend). Go listen to all their shit, just check out [RockDeviI's YouTube](http://youtube.com/RockDeviI) because this lovely amazing person has uploaded almost all of their music (all but four songs, I believe) and wow just wow. Also my RL friend Kyle (I say friend. I mean person I've been in the same year as since like third grade that I only like this month started talking to outside of a mutual school project or some other bullshit like that) recently released his music and I swear to God I'm gonna start crying because music guys. If you wanna hear his, check out his [bandcamp](https://killabytemusic.bandcamp.com) page. Also you should buy it if you can because so much yes it's beautiful and just *love*. Or donate to me. For. Um. Reasons. Ha. Haha. Heh.
> 
> THAT IS QUITE ENOUGH ABOUT ME AND MY LIFE. I hereby apologize for the utter shit you're about to read, Chapter Twenty-Four, loves, enjoy and happy holidays, sweethearts!

"Macy's has great Back-to-School deals in our weeklong sale, come in between August eleventh and seventeenth for those last minute back-to-school sales and receive forty to sixty percent off all items storewide!" The ad played in the background while we sat on the couch. Sollux spared it scarcely a glance before groaning and returning his attention to his phone.

"Euch. Th'chool'th' th'tarting back up th'oon. More fuckin' leth'onth', more th'tupid dumbath' profeth'orth' reiterating shit I've already taught myth'elf, fuck it th'oundth' like dickth' already." It had been two days since our first scene. I was already anticipating another, although as the start of school neared, as I was so unpleasantly reminded, I knew there was something I needed to do first.

"I thought you liked dicks," I interjected snarkily, trying to ignore the feeling of my heart sinking into my stomach.

His cheeks gained the slightest tint of red. "Not the point," he muttered. "Man, I th'o do not wanna go th'chool shopping."

"Dude, the hell do you need to shop for?" I asked, sitting up. "Unless you gained three-hundred pounds, it's not like you need new clothes. And for notes and shit, you have a fucking laptop. You're in what, fucking coding and, I don't know, like, minoring in English or something? Big fucking whoop, again, notes on your computer. Who gives a flying shit?" My tone became rather harsh during the end of my remark.

I payed no mind to his slightly raised eyebrows and instead resumed my favorite position, lying stretched out on the couch with my head in his lap, eyes closed and hands set on my belly. He shrugged and let his hands fall to their usual location, one intertwined with mine and the other buried in my hair. I growled a quick "Hey!" when he lifted his leg to prop it up on the coffee table.

"Th'orry," he muttered back, sounding as though he wished he hadn't interacted with me at all.

I hesitated, on the fence about telling him I wasn't going back to school or not. "Fuck," I whispered. "Sollux?"

A few seconds passed in silence. "Yeah?"

"I don't think I'm going back."

"Back where?" he asked cautiously, seemingly afraid he'd set me off if he said the wrong thing. _That should be_ my _concern right now, moron,_ I told him silently.

"Back to college. To DeVry." My eyes were still closed, but I knew he was now knitting his eyebrows together.

"You're not? Why?"

"Because it's a waste," I told him simply, praying he wouldn't ask me to elaborate.

"A wath'te?" _Fuck me._

"Yeah. A fuckin' waste."

"Wath'te of what?" _Fuck me sideways._

"Money. Time. Effort. Fuckin', what else?"

"What are you talking about, KK?"

"College isn't fucking _for me,_ asshole. I go to college and I get looks from the goddamn professors like, 'Shit, this idiot's back.' I go to some useless fucking school and I get shit grades and I don't learn jack shit and I'm worse than anybody else in the class at everything, and then somebody like fucking _you_ comes along and you're brilliant, you said it your goddamn self, they're just going over shit you've already taught yourself. You come in and you're smart and you know everything and the teachers fawn over you and you ace the classes and you're good at everything and I'm just utter shit at it all.

"You fucking come in, Sollux, and you're good at everything. You're good at college, and video games, and coding, and fucking cooking, and cleaning, and the only goddamn motherfucking thing I'm good at is making you happy, and even _then_ I'm bad at it. So, if it's okay with you, I'm not gonna go back to school this year, because it's a waste of the money _you_ earn, and it's a waste of everybody's time, including my own, and it's a waste of the effort I put out to even try and be as good at shit as you are, even knowing I won't be, and you can come home every day, stressed from the bullshit homework you don't need to be stressed about at all because you know every goddamn thing on it, to a fucking blowjob and maybe a quick fuck, and a lazy, worthless sack of shit who doesn't do shit around the house because when I touch shit, I fuck it up somehow, no matter what, and when you touch shit, it's like Jesus motherfucking Christ himself came down from the heavens and blessed the goddamn thing.

"Fuck college, fuck you for asking, fuck me for sucking at everything, and fuck life for dragging me into this stupid bullshit!" Somewhere in that rant, I'd worked myself up to the point of yelling, having simultaneously risen from the couch and stood with my voice raised and my fists clenched to my undeserving boyfriend. By the time I'd finished, I was already stomping around the couch with furious tears burning underneath my eyelids, slamming the bedroom door behind me.

Collapsing on the bed, I lay and stared silently at the underside of the top bunk, wishing the previous, mostly one-sided conversation had never happened, wishing I was smart enough to make it through college on my own, wishing I had the integrity to keep going. Wishing things were different. Wishing I wasn't such a fuck-up.

Sollux scarcely said another word to me that night. Or the night after. Or the next week of nights. He'd knock on the door each afternoon and tell me when lunch and dinner were ready (more silent affairs, courtesy of my prior explosion), and occasionally breakfast if he knew I was up already, and after that, he'd either return to the living room or go to bed, depending on the time of day. I stayed in the kitchen to wash our dishes, on the first night arguing internally if I should sleep in his bed or not. I decided to go about things normally, and deal with whatever situation arose from it whenever said situation arose. The only thing I did differently was that I began to spend about half an hour in the bathroom before bed, "showering." I thanked my lucky stars each night when I returned that Sollux was curled up closer to the wall before I lay down on the outside side of the mattress.

Pushing my luck after a straight week of being all but ignored, I pressed up against him and found his hand with mine. "Sollux," I mumbled, my quiet voice breaking between syllables. His fingers flinched. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you. I feel like a major asshole. I was afraid you'd be mad at me or..." _Or that you'd think I'm just as stupid as I think I am._ "Something. Yeah. Sorry."

A second passed. And then another. And another. Without warning, Sollux jerked his hand out of mine and scooted more insistently towards the wall. He said harshly, "Goodnight, KK."

I turned over with pursed lips and tightly shut eyes. "Night, Sollux."

* * *

It wath' odd enough that I would be able for onth'e to fall ath'leep before KK, and odder th'till that the only reath'on I didn't wath' becauth'e I felt him shake the bed, even if only a little. Immediately, my attention wath' caught and my earth' th'rained to pick up the tinieth't th'ound. I can't th'ay I wath' ekth'pecting that th'ound to come in the form of a whimper. Trying to ignore it, I payed him no mind ath' he climbed out of bed. I ath'umed he wath' going to the bathroom until I heard a rather loud bang from that very room.

I conth'idered going to make sure he wath' okay before remembering, firth'tly, that I wath' pith'ed at him, and realizing, th'econdly, that he probably juth't threw the th'eat down too hard. The bang had a very obviouth'e th'eramic clunk to it. I deth'ided to ignore it and began to relakth' again until I heard glath' shattering. My eyeth' shot open and I inth'tantly rolled out of bed, unfortunately taking the blanket with me and getting th'tuck in it, wath'ting a few th'econdth' I wath' th'uddenly th'ertain were very important. I could almoth't hear KK calling me a moron for having gotten th'tuck.

No — I _could_ hear him yelling "moron." It juth't wath'n't directed at me. Neither wath', "You fucking idiot, look what you've done now, he's gonna kill you, fuck!" The inth'tant I removed the comforter from my ankle, I threw myth'elf towardth' the bathroom door, finding with dith'may that the knob wouldn't turn. Another crash came from the other th'ide, along with a thud ath' th'omething heavy hit the wall. "Fuck, you're so fucking stupid, oh God, oh God, this is what you fucking _deserve,_ asshole!" There wath' clear panic in hith' tone.

"KK!" I shouted, banging on the door with my fith't.

Whatever urgenth'y I felt before wath' multiplied twofold when hith' reply came, tearful and terrified, "Sollux, help."

"KK, I can't, the door'th' locked," I anth'wered back, a particular panic rith'ing in my tone ath' well.

"Fuck, I-I can't unlock it. H-Hold on, let me try." After about thirty agonizing th'econdth' of tiny crieth' and sharp intaketh' of breath and the doorknob knocking looth'ely in the door, he finally unlocked it. I pushed it open and the firth't thing my eyeth' found wath' a long th'mear of blood on the door. Trembling th'o hard I could th'ee my hair shaking in a shard of mirror that remained, I th'ought out KK and found him, whimpering and holding hith' armth' gingerly to hith' cheth't, with hith' head bent down, tearth' th'treaming th'o hard down hith' fath'e I could th'ee each one drip off.

"I fucked up," he th'cream-whith'pered, holding hith' armth' out for me to th'ee; haphazard th'liceth' were th'cattered over them, from juth't above mid-forearm to the ballth' of hith' palmth', bright red blood coating all of it and dripping far more quickly than I wath' even remotely comfortable with from the tipth' of hith' fingerth'. Th'imultaneouth' waveth' of nausea and dizzineth' came over me, and I almoth't loth't my balanth'e when my vision blurred, catching the edge of the counter juth't in time to keep from falling over.

"Fuck." It occurred to me fleetingly that I'd never taken my glath'eth' off before going to bed, but I let the thought th'ink to the bottom of my mind and immediately refocuth'ed on the th'ituation at hand. "Fuck. I, uh — fuck." I wath' reeling, not at all sure what to do. My firth't and moth't clear thought wath' to take him to the hoth'pital, but before I could do that, I had to do th'omething to th'top, or at the very leath't, th'low the bleeding.

The only thing I could do, however, wath' th'tare in horror. It wath'n't long before hith' fear-filled eyeth' met mine, and that finally kicked me into gear. "Fuck, okay," I th'tarted, grabbing hith' upper arm and pulling him toward the th'ink, "what the hell did you _do,_ KK?"

"I didn't mean to, I swear!" hith' defenth'e came, pitch high and th'cratchy in hith' throat and eyeth' turned pleadingly up to me. I turned on the water, finally notith'ing the glath' in the th'ink and immediately turning it back off. I let out a curth'e under my breath, yanking back the shower curtain and turning that fauth'et on inth'tead. "I-I just, I ran into the sink, and the-the soap thing fell and I caught it and threw it back on the sink and it missed and hit the mirror and it just shattered and fell on me, I fucking didn't know it was gonna d-do—" Hith' wordth' caught in a th'ob, the reth't dith'appearing in the th'ame way.

I hadn't th'een the pool of blood on the edge of the counter when I th'et my hand there until I brought up that th'ame hand to run it comfortingly through hith' hair. If he notith'ed I wath' now carding fingerth' th'licked with hith' own blood through hith' dark bedhead, he didn't th'ay anything about it. We th'tood like that until the water ran moth'tly clear, me wanting nothing more than to hold him cloth'e and tell him he'd be okay but too afraid I'd hurt him worth'e to attempt.

I notith'ed KK th'waying before he th'aid anything. Waveringly, he murmured, "Sollux, I'm...," before shock and blood-loth' got the better of him. Carefully locking my armth' around him, I caught him juth't ath' he path'ed out. I th'wore quietly, shutting off the water and half-dragging, half-carrying him to the toilet, th'etting him propped up againth't the tank. Making sure he wouldn't fall over, I left the room and returned with a roll of paper towelth' and my th'ell phone.

I'd made KK give me Robert'th' number after he broke hith' rib, and, even though the threat of Trevor wath' gone now, it wath' comforting to know I could th'till contact him if I needed to. Th'urprith'e, th'urprith'e, gueth' who I needed to call. Th'etting the phone to th'peaker ath' it rang, I th'et about wrapping the paper towelth' around Karkat'th' armth'.

 _"Sollux?"_ A groggy voith'e picked up on the other line. _"Fuck, it's late. This can't be good."_

 _Well, at leath't he knowth' what'th' up,_ I thought. "You're right, there, Robert, we have a th'ituation with KK written all over it." I th'ounded far too calm for the reath'on I wath' calling, far too calm for how chaotic my mind wath'.

_"What's happened?"_

"You th'ee, though I'm sure you already knew thith', KK'th' an idiot. I'm not ekth'actly sure how, but the bathroom mirror broke and the entire thing came down on him, and hith' armth' are pretty fucked up. I'm gonna bring him in, I juth't thought I'd give you a headth' up firth't."

 _"Solid plan,"_ he replied, yawning. _"I appreciate the wake up call, much nicer than a half-dead patient at the door."_

I shuddered at the phrath'e "half-dead," though didn't bother bringing it to hith' attention. "Alright, I'll be off th'oon."

 _"See ya then."_ With that, the call ended. _That wath' rather... macabre. And way too casual for the fact that KK'th' fucking bleeding out, for Chrith't'th' th'ake, fuck, I need to get him to the hoth'pital._ Thankfully, I'd been working on autopilot and both hith' armth' were wrapped with a few layerth' of paper towel. Carefully plath'ing them both on hith' th'tomach, I picked him up and carried him to the truck.

My mind wandered ath' I drove, wondering why he bath'ically threw a tantrum or if the cauth'e wath' me or if he had been crying before he got out of bed or if thith' could have been avoided if I'd juth't forgiven him for being th'treth'ed and taking it out on me. I wondered how many more th'carth' there'd be on hith' armth' now and if thoth'e were the only new oneth' that he'd reth'eived th'inth'e Trevor died. I wondered if he ever mith'ed Trevor at all, or if he wished he hadn't died. I wondered if he'd know if he died before I got him to the hoth'pital. I wondered if he'd mith' me if I died. I wondered how much I'd mith' him.

Before I knew I wath' even there, I wath' already parking and Robert wath' at the car and opening KK'th' th'ide. I quickly got out and walked around to him. "Here, I've got him," I th'aid, grunting under my boyfriend'th' weight. Rob held the door open for uth' and I followed him into the ekth'am room, th'etting KK carefully on the table. Rob went about removing the now moth'tly blood-th'oaked towelth' from KK'th' armth' and I th'at on the little th'tool in the corner, not wanting to watch but unable to tear my eyeth' away.

"Holy shit," he muttered. "What'd you say he did again?"

"I'm not ekth'actly sure, but he th'aid that the mirror shattered and fell on him," I returned quietly, lith'tening to KK'th' cracked voith'e rapidly explaining what had happened in my head. I notith'ed th'omething th'ounded off about it, the more I analyzed it. The heth'itation, the unnatural quickneth' — that wath' a lie. He'd lied to me.

Robert froze, frowning, and looked back at me. "Sollux, some of these lacerations are old. And they're all too deep to be accidents." My mind wath' already pieth'ing it together; the abth'olute rage and loathing in hith' tone when he'd called himth'elf a "lazy, worthless sack of shit" over a week ago, hith' belatedly quiet th'cream of "this is what you fucking _deserve,_ asshole!" The loth't, hopeleth' way he cried, "I fucked up." He really hated himth'elf. He really thought he wath' worthleth'. And becauth'e no one elth'e would, _he_ wath' taking it out on himth'elf.

"You've gotta be fucking kidding me."

* * *

Words played through my mind. Hazy, foggy words I'd heard a million times before.

_"Worthless."_

_"Stupid."_

_"Useless."_

_"Idiot."_

_"Moron."_

The words changed into phrases, sentences, my voice.

_"You worthless fucking moron!"_

_"Why do you even bother?"_

_"You're nothing but a fucking liability!"_

_"Nobody wants you around, they're better off without you."_

_"You should let him move on, let him find someone better than you."_

_Him?_ I wondered briefly. _Who's—_ Sollux.

_"He obviously doesn't want you anymore, let him go."_

_"Let him find someone worth his time, worth his fucking breath. Not some stupid, useless piece of shit like you!"_

Each sentence, each stressed syllable, was paired with a matching memory, a matching burst of pain. Each with a matching spurt of blood and running water, the same carefully concealed blade in the corner of the medicine cabinet — the now _broken_ medicine cabinet, thanks to the last honest insult. It wasn't as though I could have fucked up any worse. I wondered if my stupidity had killed me. I didn't think it'd actually be that bad, death. I wouldn't have to worry about being a burden to Sollux anymore; I wouldn't be a burden to anyone anymore. I couldn't cause the deaths of people I cared about, or people I didn't. No one could hate me. _I_ couldn't hate me.

Suddenly, I realized I still had a body, and cautiously attempted to move each limb as I regained feeling in it. When I tried to move the fingers on my left hand, I found them trapped by something warm. Another hand, maybe? I peeled open my eyes, and sure enough, someone else's fingers were closed around mine. Trailing my gaze along the arm connected to it, I was soon met with a pair of tired, bloodshot eyes — one red, one blue. _Son of a bitch,_ I thought hopelessly, wincing both at the pain I had only just noticed throbbing dully through my arms and at the situation I'd created.

 _He's here. Which means — fuck._ My internal monologue cut itself off when my memories slowly began to fill themselves in.

A razor blade that had seen the light of day far too often.

The simple pain of regret flowing into the sink.

A mirror more broken than my thoughts.

Throbbing, bleeding knuckles.

_"Of course he wouldn't want you, you fucking moron!"_

Gruesome, easy cuts.

Flesh separating between the sharp edges of shattered glass.

Blood, everywhere.

_"KK!"_

Dismay, regret.

_"Sollux, help."_

Tears.

_"I fucked up."_

_Shit, have I fucked up, fuck, fuck, I'm gonna die from this, aren't I?_

_"I didn't mean to, I swear!"_

Lies.

Deceit.

The world faded to black around mismatched eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For anyone actually curious, Sollux does have a job. I don't mention it, but he works for [Rev](http://www.rev.com/services), transcribing audio files and other such whatnot. Just thought I'd say something about that. On another note, this isn't the first time Karkat has thought these things about himself, and I did briefly mention it before, but I didn't go in-depth into it. If you didn't get it from the actual chapter, firstly, okay, my bad, poor writing skills, I apologize, and secondly, the full sentences running through KK's mind when he finally comes to are the things he told himself when he first started cutting, throughout the whole week. That's about it, I think.
> 
> Wait, I lied; if you weren't aware, a scene is what those in the BDSM community call their sessions, in case anyone was confused about that.
> 
> Finally fucking caught up. Now, and I'm talking as though any of you have actually read these, these author's notes _might_ begin to make sense.
> 
> Review, loves!


	25. So Much For Backup

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: So then. We have reached the culmination of seven months of work (no, not the end, just the climax). We've reached the point we were always coming to. Karkat's facing a mirror more broken than his thoughts and everything begins to tie back together.
> 
> If it's not too odd, I'd firstly like to express my concern for how many people resonated with the previous chapter. If you ever find yourself in need of anyone to talk to, please come talk to me, because I'll listen to you, and I won't judge you for anything, and you all deserve to be happy in every capacity and I'd love to be even the smallest factor in bringing that happiness about. Explain your lives to me, explain the problem, I'll help you through it. Skype (katgirl28888), email (either [kcuccia9@gmail.com](mailto:kcuccia9@gmail.com) or [mamacuccia@yahoo.com](mailto:mamacuccia@yahoo.com)), ask on [tumblr](http://professor-snap.tumblr.com), text or call me (+12097682231), [Facebook](https://www.facebook.com/karina.cuccia), or hell, any other way you're comfortable with talking. You're all such wonderful people and I wanna make sure to the best of my ability that each and every one of you are happy and that there's something putting an honest, genuine smile on your face at least once a day.
> 
> In other news, as I'm sure you're aware by now if you read any of my author's notes, this is a mirror for the [same story](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9335392/1/Broken-Thoughts) on Fanfiction.net. It took me three fucking days to upload all of this fic to here because fucking internet, and the entire fucking interim I was just thinking, "Y'know. Man. I sure would love to upload the rest of those chapters. Just as soon as the internet stops _shitting in my mouth!_ Fuckin', shit on my dick, you know?"
> 
> Which reminds me, I noticed the other day just how fucking many mannerisms I've picked up from the Rooster Teeth guys, mostly the Achievement Hunter crew, but Gus and Joel and some other guys too and just what? Hey, I'm not complaining though. I've gotten Michael and Ray's tendency to quietly emphasize certain words in any given sentence, example, "Jack, hitting a _blind hill."_ His voice just gets softer to enunciate and I really like it. I've also gotten Geoff's _____ as dicks and _____ as butts and pretty much the whole crews', though mostly Geoff and Michael's, "hauling anus/buttholes/butts/other butt related word," as well as a multitude of Geoff's rather unique curses and Gavin's British slang. Quite pleased with this slight change in vocabulary and mannerisms.
> 
> Chapter Twenty-Five, my lovelies. Enjoy~

Everything around me was dark, full of shadows and mocking laughter echoing through the corridor I couldn't see, some voices I could place and some I couldn't. One rose above the rest, resonating through me with a terrifying power and coming from everywhere and nowhere all at once. A voice I hadn't heard in months. "Filthy, selfish shit." A voice that held years worth of memories with a tone that reeked of fear to those who knew it well enough, and smug disdain to those who didn't. "Who would ever want you? Who _could?"_ A voice that belonged to someone I used to care about. "You're sick, fucked-up, a freak of nature. Disgusting." A voice now so harsh and grating that used to contain more love than I could remember now. "Worthless faggot _scum."_

Trevor's voice.

I jerked awake, my breath coming in quick gasps. The room was brighter now, and it took me a moment to figure out where I was before remembering I was in the hospital, remembering that Trevor couldn't hurt me anymore. That's what I told myself, anyway. A weight on my stomach and something pressing my hand to the sheets prevented me from sitting up, and looking down, I found Sollux slumped over me, sleeping deeply. I couldn't fathom how long he'd been here that he'd fallen asleep, much less been so exhausted to have fallen asleep on top of me rather than drive home.

And so, as was bound to happen sooner or later in a semi-drugged state with a sleeping twenty-one-year-old on top of me, I relaxed into the bed, staring at the ceiling and simply thinking. Thinking about Sollux, and about whether or not the only reason he was here now was because he felt guilty. Wondering if he even cared about me anymore, or if in one moment of bad judgement, I'd destroyed whatever bond we used to have and wrenched both our friendship and relationship apart, leaving myself to fall prey to self-hatred and having just enough lack of give-a-shit to stop myself from doing something about it. I wondered if he'd stay with me, and I wondered if the only reason why was that he'd be afraid I'd kill myself if he left. I wondered if it mattered.

It felt a bit weird, thinking things like this. Self-harm, suicide; those things had always seemed so far away, things you heard about, knew were around you, but never touched, or saw with your own eyes. And suddenly, here I was, recovering in a hospital bed from what my subconscious was arguing was a blatant attempt on my own life, though my mind was telling me was just an experiment. I hadn't ever thought about it this way, externally almost, passively — objectively. It was always "do, do, do, there's nothing to stop you, nobody cares. Why should they?"

Watching my blood siphon off into the sink had been nice at first. Originally, I was entranced by the mere sight of it. As the swirling red water would disappear, I'd imagine myself going with it, vanishing into the darkness, never to be seen or missed again. I had a lot of blood. I certainly wouldn't feel too bad about washing a bit of it down the drain. I'd sit like that for a bit, the shower on so Sollux wouldn't think anything was wrong — not that he cared, I was sure — until the red stopped coming. Some nights, I'd do it again, so I could watch, mesmerized by the color and the patterns it wove in the crystal clear liquid, and other nights, I wouldn't notice the tears spilling from my eyes until they landed on the fresh cuts.

That only lasted the first few days, however. Pain wasn't something I was afraid of. Up until recently, it had been something I'd grown accustomed to, and more lately, once I'd stopped receiving it daily, I supposed it had become something I missed the familiarity of. I missed my constant bruises and the tiny cuts on my face, and gritty, nasty scrapes on my elbows from hitting the ground so hard. I'd gotten so used to them, for them not to be there felt strange and disconcerting, so I found a way to emulate it.

The residing fear of accidental death quickly vanished in turn, becoming something of the past just like a life without the scars of daily abuse, and wherever it went, it took the calming effect of watching my own loss of blood with it. I'd mutter under my breath as I watched the blade sink into my skin, tell myself the truth no one other than him had the guts to say, tell myself the things I'd always been told — things I'd spent so long hearing, that I wasn't good enough, that I was stupid and useless and not worth a damn thing to anybody, that I'd _never_ be good enough, that even months after I'd stopped hearing it, I couldn't bring myself to forget it. It stuck with me like superglue, toxic vapors being released and rising up with each memory to poison my mind until I believed every last word.

I'd find my motivation to dig the blade into my forearm in the oddly consoling thoughts that nobody wanted me around, that I was a liability to everyone. The harsh, violent words gave me reason to hurt myself, excused me for pretending that everyone I was impeding was taking their secret revenge in a blood sacrifice. If it wasn't for me, Kanaya wouldn't be dead, Sollux wouldn't have some stupid deadbeat to take care of. My family'd be better off, not having to make up for what Sollux couldn't pay for in my wasted college tuition, everyone would be happier without me to take care of. The pain reminded me, made up for the fact, that I was nothing but dead weight.

Always nothing but dead weight.

* * *

I didn't remember falling asleep, but when I woke up again, I was alone. It seemed that Sollux had finally left, left to live his own life with his own friends and not be stuck at the bedside of his hospital-bound, potentially suicidal boyfriend. I felt extremely selfish when a pang of loneliness hit me. _You don't deserve him,_ I told myself, trying without success to push it away. _You don't deserve his presence, or his love, and you definitely fucking don't have any right to make his life miserable by demanding either._ Even so, I found myself looking longingly out the window to my right, imagining what he was doing.

It wasn't as though I wanted him to see me in this state. I was pathetic, more useless than usual. Bandaged arms and dripping IVs of saline and blood, inexplicably stiff hair and bruised fists. The night before, when the mirror shattered, the last thing I'd wanted was for him to find me. It wasn't a call for help. It was a stupid mistake, me watching the color drain from my face, reveling in the pallor that ensued, and out of nowhere, finding myself overcome with a surge of fury that this pitiful creature was what I'd become, what I'd made myself into, and wanting nothing more to do with it. Suddenly, I'd found myself utterly disgusted by who was staring back at me — by _what_ — and in a flash of rage, I'd painfully tightened tendons shredded by the blade of a razor and with my clenched fists destroyed the image reflected in the mirror.

The reality of it was worse than the reflection.

I was almost embarrassed by how hopeful I felt when the door opened. Whipping my head around, I prepared myself to be disappointed by a nurse checking in to record my vitals or something to that nature, but found myself face-to-face with an equally shocked Sollux, regardless. "Shit, you're awake!" he said, not even glancing back as he shut the door. I sat up carefully, trying to avoid ripping out the tube-fed needles in my arms. Speaking of arms, I suddenly found his enclosing me, crushing me against his chest. He pressed me back into the mattress and framed my face in his hands, smoothing back my hair and pressing my ears to the side of my head.

"Oh my God, I fucking love you, th'o much, I th'wear, to God, KK, I'll never be mad at you, for th'tupid shit, ever again, fucking Chrith't." His words were interspersed with chaste, loving kisses rained over my face, which lent me to a fairly sizeable bit of confusion.

"I-I don't u-under—"

"Alth'o, if you even th'o much ath' fucking look at a knife from here on out, ever again, I'm gonna punch your fucking lightth' out. I don't even want you thinking about them." I stared at him with furrowed eyebrows, his hard glare matching mine as he sat down in the chair I only just noticed beside the hospital bed. His hand found mine with practiced ease, and my mind suddenly raced with questions.

Before I could ask a single one, however, he sighed and added a lot more quietly, gesturing at my arms, "I know thoth'e weren't acth'identth'."

_Oh._

I tore my gaze away when he spoke again. "What did you uth'e, anyway?"

After a moment's hesitation, I muttered as incomprehensibly as possible, inspecting the window opposite him, "I broke a razor."

The lack of background noise of any kind, save a soft, steady beeping, made it pretty impossible for him to have not heard me, however, and he replied with a self-aimed kind of disappointment. "Oh, KK," he murmured softly, running his thumb over my knuckle. "You know what'th' coming, don't you." I didn't react. "Why?" I couldn't meet his eye and simply shook my head by way of an answer. "Okay." The word was spoken quietly, carefully, as though he was admonishing a capricious child. I swallowed hard around the unexpected knot in my throat, clenching my fists and finding a hand that had never left in one of my own. He squeezed back, and I furiously ignored the tears that appeared on my cheeks until Sollux brought the hand unoccupied by mine up to brush them away.

It was then that I saw the tears dripping off his own lashes.

In all my years of knowing him, the only time I'd seen him shed a single tear was after somebody close to him died. Other than that, Sollux didn't cry. Sollux _never_ cried, for _anything._ And yet, here he was, salt dripping from his gorgeous eyes because of _me._ I couldn't think straight when a sob wracked his thin frame, my thoughts growing even more scattered when he pulled me into a close embrace. His words came out choked by tears, by fear and concern, "Don't do thith', KK. Pleath'e, pleath'e, don't ever do thith' again. Not to yourth'elf, not to _me._ You almoth't died. I don't know what I'd do if I loth't you."

I didn't know what to do; I couldn't hug him back in case I accidentally yanked some medical apparatus out of my upper extremities, and I couldn't pull together a sensible enough thought to form words, so I just sat there and let him hold me until he stopped shaking. I didn't even register the tears streaming down my own cheeks, or the wetness surrounding my chin on his shoulder, until long after he'd pulled away.

After a long silence in which I felt him watch me while I turned my eyes anywhere but his, I finally met his gaze and asked, "How long have I been out?"

He didn't look at me as he spoke, though his eyes found mine again immediately after. "A few dayth'." I sighed heavily and attempted to bring a hand to my head so I could run it through my hair, only to find that the odd tightness I'd felt around my wrist beforehand, the one I'd payed not even a little mind to, was a handcuff restricting my movement up to a foot away in any direction from the bed frame.

"What the fuck is this?" I questioned loudly, suddenly furious at the audacity of the medical personnel. I sat up and immediately began struggling against my restraints.

"Robert told me it'th' th'tandard hoth'pital proth'edure for th'elf-harm victimth'," Sollux explained, his tone reminiscent of the cautious one he'd used prior to me yelling at him about college. "Ath' a th'ort of th'afe-guard againth't themth'elveth' in cath'e they wake up in the th'ame mood they went under in."

"This is fucking bullshit! What am I gonna do, fucking jump out the wind—?"

"KK, pleath'e, calm down!" he begged, still fairly quiet in comparison to me. His eyes looked frantically back at the hallway. "Come on, juth't relakth', we don't want th'omebody coming in and—"

"No, Sollux, this is complete bullshit! How fucking dare they—"

"Karkat!"

I narrowed my eyes at him and snarled, "I will _not_ sit here unwillingly chained to a goddamn bed like a fucking _animal!_ I am a human being, they don't have any right to tie me down against my—!"

"If you're a human being, then why don't you th'tart treating yourth'elf like one?!" he shouted back. His eyes burned with fear, regret, anger. "Why the fuck do you think you're here in the firth't plath'e? You're cuffed to a bed becauth'e you can't be truth'ted to not hurt yourth'elf if left alone! Nobody _wantth'_ you to hurt yourth'elf, KK!" The fire within him died just as suddenly as it had risen and he looked at me sadly, repeating far more quietly, "Nobody wantth' you to hurt yourth'elf. Th'o why did you?"

I didn't answer. Our eyes met for a fraction of a second before I looked away. I didn't even know where to begin to explain it to him. Without a doubt, if I regaled him with the rationale in my head, he'd scoff and call me stupid. So I didn't. I silently lay back down, turning my head away. We sat in the most disquiet quiet I'd ever witnessed for a while, until I lost track of time and felt my eyelids begin to droop. "I'm really tired, Sollux."

I'd forgotten when his fingers had woven themselves in mine again, so the gentle squeeze he gave me was a bit of a shock. "Go to th'leep, KK," he murmured gently. I closed my eyes and heard unapologetically loud scrapes as he moved the chair closer to the top of the bed. His left hand in mine, he brought his right up to ruffle through my hair, fingertips brushing my scalp and separating oddly matted locks. Within a few minutes, the sensations faded to uncomfortable dreams I wouldn't remember.

* * *

I blinked awake to another empty room. I lay still for a moment, listening vainly to the familiar, quiet voices in the background as I tried to figure out what had woke me, until I realized it must have been said voices. Robert and Sollux were in the hall talking, probably discussing me and if I was depressed or whatever and needed medication. I had no doubt in my mind they'd decide I was, and the former would probably prescribe me some antidepressant with explicit instructions to the latter to make sure I took them. But I didn't want their help. I didn't need it. The last thing I wanted was to be another thing weighing on another person's mind.

Just then, Rob glanced in the room and caught my eye. He gestured towards the door and they both entered, my boyfriend behind my doctor. "Hey, Karkat, how're you doing? I'm glad to see you're—"

"I want out of here." He shot me a glare that screamed, "Really?"

"Karkat, I think you of all people understand how a hospital works—"

"I mean out of these chains."

"Oh. Well in that case, as a doctor, I'm not allowed to—"

"Then how 'bout as a friend?" I pleaded, holding his green eyes. I could see the internal argument he was having in the uncertainty in his gaze before he sighed deeply and walked toward right side of the bed, fishing something out of his pocket as he went.

"I'm pullin' a lot of strings for you, kiddo. If the boss found out about this, friendly or not, I'd be suspended. Don't make me regret it." I ran my fingers gently over the wrists I'd rubbed near-raw on the metal as he unlocked the handcuffs.

"I appreciate it."

"You better." He sat in the chair previously occupied by Sollux, snatching the clipboard from the end of the bed as he rounded it. Glancing it over, he told me, "You're doing good recovery-wise, that's good." Flipping a page back, he slid the pen out from the top and scribbled some doctor shit down. "I think you should know that I've already called your dad, and to be quite frank, Karkat, he's pissed at you. I told him you were going to be discharged in a few days and that for, ahem ahem, _medical reasons,_ no one is allowed to see you. I also told him that this _was_ self-inflicted — don't you even try to argue with me you little shit, I'm a doctor, I know the fuck what I'm talking about," he spliced in when I tried to interject.

"I did not tell him about your sexuality or your relationship, because you're a grown man and that's your own shit to work out with your dad, and I'm not gonna say it for you. I know Kolby, he can be a dick when he wants to, and I'm not about to willingly put myself on the brunt-end of that. So. Now that that's out of the way, let's talk." His tone was soft, but I could see the near threat in his expression. He gave me a long, steady stare and I noticed Sollux back away out of the corner of my eye. _There goes my backup,_ I thought.

"Wanna tell me why?" he began, gesturing to my arms. I shook my head. "Okay, let me rephrase that: tell me why." I swallowed hard.

"'Cause."

"Karkat, I swear to God, if you're gonna be difficult like this, I'm gonna amputate one of your legs in your sleep." I could tell he didn't mean it, but the hardness in his glare didn't dissipate my fear any. I made the mistake of shooting my boyfriend a glance, and Robert, without even looking away, immediately ordered, "Sollux, out." The raven-haired twenty-one-year-old scurried out of the room without so much as a word of protest.

Robert and I sat together in silence, staring at each other and both waiting for the other to make a move first. Said first move came in the form of the older man running a hand through his hair. "What happened, Karkat? I thought you hated self-harm. I thought you thought it was pointless. What happened to that? What made _this_ happen?"

I didn't answer him. Instead, I asked, "What happened to those two people who were in the back of Trevor's truck when he hit Kanaya?"

"They died," he told me quietly.

"Five people, Robert. Five people." I looked down and rotated my left arm palm up. "Almost six."

"H-He's... he hadn't even seen you since he broke your rib, had he? He was dead before you even did this. What could he have _done?"_ The green-eyed doctor looked utterly bewildered.

"He was right, Rob," I said quietly, looking away. I figured Robert at the very least would understand, after having dealt with me and my self-loathing issues that I always changed the topic from, and he was used to the abuse my ex-boyfriend had put me through. He knew the things the asshole said to me, but what he didn't know was how true they rang.

"He was right the whole time. I'm a selfish, worthless piece of shit—"

"That's not—"

"—I fucking yell at Sollux all the time," I continued, ignoring him, "and he doesn't deserve it. I did it last week and I'm pretty sure he fucking hates me now, as he should, because, at home, he's hardly said a word to me since. I don't see why I should bother with being alive anymore when I'm obviously nothing but a burden to anybody, because if I wasn't here, Sollux wouldn't have to take care of my useless ass. Kanaya wouldn't have died, and I wouldn't be a disappointment to my dad like I know I'll be, and _I won't have to hate myself anymore._ I just don't see the point, when I'm so in the way of everybody."

He stared, dumbfounded, before quickly recovering and shaking his head slowly."You're wrong about Sollux," he told me quietly. "Who the hell do you think brought you in in the first place? You know, after you'd passed out from blood loss. You've been in and out, mostly out, of consciousness for almost two days. He hasn't even left the hospital. He hasn't left your side, except for when I was giving you your stitches, and even then, Cheryll had to come in and ask if I wanted the man pacing back and forth in the waiting room at three in the morning to leave. You obviously mean a whole hell of a lot to him, and whether you feel like a burden or not, I doubt he gives a shit about taking care of you. If you want my advice, you need to suck it up and fucking deal with the fact that you're stuck with him, because I don't think he's gonna let you go, no matter what.

"I've heard the shit Trevor's told you, I've heard it all, because you told me. And he's fucking wrong. Not a word of what he's said was truth." Rob wrote some more shit down on his clipboard and stood up before sliding it back in the metal holder at the foot of the bed. "You're twenty-one years old, Karkat. It's about time you grew up. I'm not gonna be around forever to fix your shit and hold your hand, so you better figure it out quick, because the people you surround yourself with obviously want you around, and if you wanna be more selfish than I like to think you're capable of being, then go ahead and try to take yourself away from them."

"Just know that you're loved. By Sollux, by your father. By _me._ I'm sure Kanaya loved you. You had nothing to do with her death, so you can throw that idea out tout suite." He said all this facing away, and paused momentarily to walk to the door. Continuing this trend of not looking at me as he spoke, he added, "Your father's coming to see you tomorrow. Figure your shit out."

His footsteps echoed through the hallway. Aside from myself, the room was empty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pretty sure I frucked something up in this chapter. I just got really distracted writing this, you can probably tell how forced it is towards the end. I blame the distraction on this goddamn song [Bad Apple!!](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kPLxGctIQJE). The fucking English version by Rockleetist and Ashe, Ashe's voice is so goddamn distracting _I'm gonna punch a fucking wall._
> 
> EDIT: _Rewritten~_ Also, I would like it to be known that one of the only reasons I mirrored this story here was so that I could include links in my author's notes and because I could make them separate from the story itself so I could get an accurate word count, and as far as links go, I am abusing this power to the fullest.
> 
> Anyway. Review, lovies~


	26. Fatherly Concerns and Reminiscing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right. So. Things have happened. Again. Most prominent, cutting is now a thing. There's something to be said for it, honestly. It's just so easy. Each one stands for some other nasty thing my grandmother's called me, "demented psychopath," "disgusting," "stupid," "worthless idiot," "moron," "self-centered," "selfish fucker," "lying bitch," to name a few. They're my tally marks. Countless on my left arm, only today am I starting on my right. It's sick, but I like them. Then again, maybe it's more of the concept of death that I like. I'm so sick of living. I hope to maybe finish this story before I go, but if I don't then I apologize.
> 
>  
> 
> _I REWROTE THE END OF THE PREVIOUS CHAPTER, I HIGHLY SUGGEST YOU GO READ IT._
> 
>  
> 
> Chapter Twenty-Six, loves. Sorry it's so short even though it took so long, it shouldn't have except that I couldn't get on a computer for the longest time. Holy shit we're nearing the end. Maybe. Enjoy~

The next day was mostly quiet between Sollux and me. He'd gone home for the first time since I'd been hospital bound and dug up both of our Game Boy Advances, my red and his blue, a system link cable, and a few games, and brought them back with him for us to dick around on. It was just after one in the afternoon when Robert poked his head into the room. A brief smile flashed across his face at the sight of us playing games together before he shook it off and informed me carefully, "Karkat, your father's here."

I paused a moment, the game flung from my mind and replaced with instant concern. "Oh. Uh. Okay. Um. Thanks. Can you ask him to wait a few minutes?" I asked tentatively.

"I'll send him in in ten." With that, the doctor left and Sollux looked at me.

"Do you want me to be in here?"

"I'd rather you weren't," I said, shrugging.

"I gueth' I'll leave, then," he stated, beginning to stand up. I sat up quickly and stopped him with a hand on his knee.

"No. Not yet. Please."

He sat back down without question. "Okay."

He locked our fingers together and the silence between us was absolute for a solid few minutes. Hesitantly, I murmured, "I've gotta tell him."

Sollux blinked at me. "About... uth'?"

"Is that okay?" I asked, nerves getting to me.

"Yeah. I mean, we're gonna have to tell people at th'ome point, no harm in th'tarting now."

"I guess. How do you think he'll take it?"

He sighed, dropping his shoulders. "I dunno, KK. Your dad'th' a good guy, but I can't gueth' how he'll react to th'omething like _thith'."_ He studied me, brushing my cheekbone lightly with the back of his index finger. "You sure you don't want me in here?"

"Yeah. It's gonna be hard e-fucking-nough to tell him anyways. I doubt I'd even be able to speak with you in here. And this is something I have to tell him myself."

"Okay." He squeezed my hand and bent down to kiss my forehead. "I gueth' I'll go get him now, yeah?" I nodded. "You'll be okay?"

"No," I laughed humorlessly. "But I'm gonna have to be, aren't I?"

"You don't have to tell him," he suggested uncertainly. "I mean, you can let me tell him, I'll be right here with you if you want. You know I will."

"I know." A heavy sigh came from the skinny coder.

"You'll be okay," he repeated more certainly, finally rising to his feet. "I love you. Don't forget that. No matter what your dad th'ay'th', I'll th'till be right here." I nodded again with a little hum of agreement. "I love you," he said again, finally going to the door. "I'll... bring your dad in. Or th'end him in. Or th'omething. Whatever."

"Okay." A few minutes passed in silence, nothing but my thoughts to keep me company until the door opened again and my dad appeared in the doorway, enormous hand covering the entirety of the door handle and looking unusually sheepish given his size and personality. Kolby Vantas was an uncommonly large man, feet the size of cinderblocks in his boots and hands like baseball mitts. Looking at us together, the only thing comparable was the unusual color of our eyes — a bright, red-ish brown. Other than that, our name was the sole defining factor in determining father and son. That and the similar growl in our voices, though mine cracked admittedly far more than his ever did.

Sitting crosslegged on the bed, I watched him walk in without a word. He, on the other hand, had no desire to stay silent. "Hey, kid," he muttered, the stench of a parent who had to "have a chat" with their child that they really did _not_ want to have clinging to his every quiet syllable.

"Hi, Dad," I said, the words tumbling from my mouth just as quietly. I stared down into my lap.

"How's it goin'? Well, pretty crappy, I guess," he answered himself, simultaneously branding himself the third person to gesture awkwardly at my cuts rather than address them directly for what they were — the physical manifestation of the haunted mind of a twenty year old kid who'd long since lost the ability to care.

He took the seat previously occupied by Sollux and fumbled with his hands in his lap a few different ways before settling for leaning forward with his elbows on his knees and his arms draped limply between them. "Do you mind if, uh... can I see?"

I turned my bandaged arms up to the light before resting them back on my thighs. "There's nothing to see."

He sat up straight, looking at the bandages with the most pained expression I'd ever seen him wear. "That's not nothing, Karkat."

"It kind of is, but whatever."

"Not whatever, that's—"

 _"Please,"_ I snapped, whipping my head up to glare at him. "Dad. Can we not?"

His sigh met my ears. "Fine. We _will_ talk about this though. Just not right now."

"Thank you," I murmured, looking away again.

"So, what's new?" he said, cheerful tone obviously forced.

"Um. Not much. I... I'm probably not gonna go back to college." He raised an eyebrow, an action I caught and pointedly ignored. "I beat one of the games I got for my birthday the other day. Uh... Sarah's pregnant. Rob's wife. Did you know that?"

He shook his head no. "I didn't. That's great, though. I'll be sure to congratulate her. Robert, too. There's nothing better than becoming a father, y'know?" I didn't know, but I'd sooner let him lose himself in the reminiscence of nostalgia and old memories than tell him that. "Getting to watch your kids as they're growing up, watch them make mistakes and, 'specially in your case, kiddo, _hopefully_ learn from them. When they're little, teaching the little tykes to wobble around on their pudgy legs, teaching 'em to talk and hearing 'em do somethin' other than cry an' scream. I remember for a fact," he added with a smirking grin, "once yer mom and I got you talkin', we had the damnedest time gettin' you to shut up!" Judging by how hard he laughed at this bit of information, he obviously found it funny. I, on the other hand, despite the lack of other people around, looked away in embarrassment.

"Dad!" I groaned, wincing as though Sollux had heard and was off snickering to himself in the corner. I ignored the voice in the back of my head unhelpfully reminding me that Sollux most likely already knew that.

"Oh, hush boy," demanded my father, chuckling softly. "That's still hardly anything. When your kids get older, an' go off an' make their own decisions, goin' out ev'ry night while you as a parent are left hopin' they're actually where they say they're gon' be, actually _with_ who they say they gon' be wit' — then we'll talk. Not that you'd know anything about it, eh, sport? I mean, you wouldn't, would ya? You don't got some kid 'cross the city that ain't nobody in the family knows 'bout, right?" There was a familiar teasing glint in my father's eye that I'd seen too many times in my childhood to count.

I couldn't help but laugh. "No, Dad, I don't. Well... I don't _think_ I do, anyway," I teased back. He laughed right along with me, a deep, baritone guffaw.

When his laugh had dropped to a low chuckle, he asked, "Anything else to report, champ?"

Well.

There it was.

If there was ever a better chance to tell him, it wouldn't be in this conversation. "A-Actually, Dad, I—" _And there goes that_ goddamn _crack in my voice, fuck me. Could I sound any fucking more pathetic, Jesus fuckin' Christ._

"Um. C-Can I tell you something?" The question felt dry in my mouth, bitter and terrifying. I already knew what lay behind it. Disappointment, desperate statements meant only to hide it, or worse, open disgust. It wasn't as though my father had ever expressed repulsion towards gays, at least not in my presence, but he'd never publicly shown them any respect either. Then again, there were very few people of sexualities other than hetero in Oklahoma who were out, so it wasn't as though there had been many opportunities for him to do so.

"Of course, Karkat. Anything you need to tell me, I'm here. That's my job." A flash of gratitude shot through me for not having received an asshole for a dad on top of whatever other shitty cards life dealt me. It quickly vanished when I remembered what I had to tell him.

"Alright. Dad... I'm—" _Bisexual._ The noun rang in my mind, flashing various shades of fear and tantalizing rebellion.

It took my father prompting me with, "You're...?" to realize I hadn't actually said the last word aloud.

"Shit, sorry," I muttered, looking away. "Sorry," I repeated, taking a deep breath. "I'm—" _Bisexual._ "Dad, I'm—" _Bisexual._

 _Fuck._

I could feel my mouth hanging open, expecting a word I couldn't force myself to spit out. It was on the tip of my brain, dying to break out and met with thick, iron bars built up over years of keeping it a secret. It stuck obstinately, bitter in my throat and threatening to, at any moments, dive back down and hide away forever. 

"You're what, Karkat? Pregnant?" He laughed at his own joke, "I guess Sollux is the father, right? Seriously, kid. Spit it out."

"It's not... Dad, I can't just—" It was too late to go back, to not say anything, because now he knew that whatever it was was important. It was now or never, and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that never wasn't an option. "I just gotta...." I shut my eyes tight and let out a quick, huffing breath before tensing my shoulders and announcing rapidly, "Dad, I'm bisexual."

"Oh."

Time froze. I couldn't open my eyes, there was pain shooting up my arms, I forgot to breathe — and then all at once, the world kept spinning. A bird flew by the window, squawking loudly, I rediscovered the wonders of breathing. I realized that the pain in my upper limbs was due to my tightly balled fists simultaneously digging nails in desperate need of a clipping into the balls of my palms and pulling ragged tendons taut underneath wide, healing scars and a clean white bandage.

The instant I loosened my hand, the floodgates were opened.

"I figured it out back in middle school," I said, words coming out of my mouth so quickly I couldn't even make out what I was saying. "Well, I guess I didn't really, but I realized that some guys were just as attractive to me as girls were, and I didn't really accept it until high school, even though I'd known for years before that, but I never told anyone except this one guy Trevor, and only after he told me first, and then me and him—"

"Karkat. Slow down," he told me, voice far more steady than mine. "Take a deep breath, and tell me."

I did what my dad said, taking a few breaths before launching into a story I'd told only twice before. I told him how Trevor never once hit me when we were together, though he often threatened to, and it wasn't until I tried to leave him that he actually did. How Trevor used to send his guys out to tail me after work, to knock me to the ground and beat me sometimes until I blacked out. I told him how, on the rare occasions when somebody had actually called the cops, they'd pull up on the street beside us and roll down their windows to tell them to stop, only to keep driving like they had never even seen me once the jeers of "faggot" met their ears.

"Do you remember Kanaya?" I asked when I'd finished, elaborating, "She died about a month ago."

"Yeah, I remember. Kanaya was a good kid, a real smart girl."

I smiled internally, picturing how she would have taken the compliment. "Did anyone tell you how she died?"

"A car accident, wasn't it?"

"Well... I guess you could put it that way. She had the right of way, her light was green, and—" I had to stop myself from relating what had happened in the dream I'd had after. That was clearly not what had happened, even though I couldn't help but wonder why I'd seen Vriska on the corner _and_ at the funeral, even though she shouldn't have had any way of knowing. "She was hit by Trevor. He was drunk and Rob said an eyewitness reported he was way over the speed limit when they crashed. Him and the front passenger died on impact, and the two guys in the backseat of his truck died later. Kanaya died the same night, around two AM."

My dad paused, thinking hard. I could almost see the cogs turning in his head. Then he... your ex — er, Trevor. He's really gone, then? You don't... augh, this is fucking ridiculous," he interjected, shaking his head. "You don't have to worry about him anymore?"

I shook my head. "No. I actually hadn't seen him except once at the park after he broke my rib."

His eyes widened. _"He broke your rib?"_ he boomed, jumping to his feet so suddenly the chair flew a good foot back before falling over with a loud clang. "Why the _fuck_ didn't anyone tell me? I'd've killed 'im myself!"

"Dad, calm down," I implored. "It wasn't that big a deal, he hadn't even—"

"Wasn't a big deal, _wasn't a big deal?"_ my dad shot back, staring at me a moment before beginning to pace the room. "Jesus Christ, Karkat, you're a Vantas, for fuck's sake. Vantases don't let pricks like him beat the shit out of them, _let them break your rib,_ and then move on and forget about it and say, 'It wasn't a big deal,' because let me tell you, boy, if I was you, I'd have walked right up to that son of a bitch and popped him a good one, right in his smug little face. _Nobody_ gets to treat my boy like that, no matter how little a deal it is, _nobody._ I can't be _lieve_ you just stood by and let that bitch do whatever the hell he wanted to you, Christ, I'd'ave been up and outta there in a hot second, or fightin' right on back, not sittin' on my ass playin' punchin' bag for the sick bastard, fucking shit, kid, what if he'd killed you?

"Can you imagine, how I would'a felt? How your mother would'a felt, or your sister? How heart-broken Nepeta would be if you'd let yourself get killed?" He was still pacing back and forth, though his gaze never turned from me. Mine turned from him, though, at the memory of Nepeta's hopeless wailing when I told her Kanaya had died, at the thought of her wailing over me, instead. "What if you'd killed _yourself,_ Karkat? What's so painful about your life that you think it's okay to hurt everyone like that?"

I shook my head, unable to come up with a viable answer.

"I love you, kid," he sighed, navigating back to his seat. "I love you. Your mom loves you. Your sister loves you. You're my son. There's nothing worse than watching you hurt yourself like this. Nothing. Can you promise me you'll stop?"

I shook my head. "I... I-I can't — y-you're—" I swallowed hard. "You're not... _u-upset_ about my... about me being bi?"

He cocked an eyebrow. "Is that what you think? You are who you are, Karkat, and if you wanna chase guys and girls, then I'm okay with that and I'll support that because I'm not _that_ much of an asshole."

"Holy shit," I breathed, letting out a tiny chuckle and collapsing into myself as I let go of a breath I wasn't aware I'd been holding. "Uh... Dad?"

"Yes?"

"There's something else. I'm... Sollux and I are — we-we're together," I said quickly, wincing in fear of his reaction as I'd done for most of our conversation.

"About time, kid."

My eyes widened. "...Wh-What?"

He chuckled softly, reaching a hand out and ruffling my hair. "I was wondering when that would happen. You know, I had wondered about you. Sollux told his mom he was gay back when the two of you were in high school. You were always so close, so a'course I had my suspicions."

"You... did?" I repeated, dumbfounded.

"A father's going to wonder these things."

"Oh." I silently inspected the blanket after that. "You mean you—"

"It doesn't matter to me, an' it won't matter to anyone else. If they do have a problem wit' the two of ya, they're gonna answer to me."

"I can take care of myself, Dad." He shot me a pointed glare. I blinked in realization. "Oh. Uh. Right. Nevermind."

Continuing on as though I hadn't interrupted, he added, "I don't mean that to say I don't care about you, either. What doesn't matter to me is the kind of ass you're hittin'. What matters t' me is that you're happy. You could be a flaming homosexual with three husbands and the only thing I'd be concerned with is whether or not you were happy in your relationship. Er. Relationships. Safe and happy, Karkat. That's all any parent wants for their kids. Any parent worth half their weight in salt, anyway."

I sighed and looked away. "Thanks, Dad."

He smiled and ruffled my hair again. "Now. You wanna tell me something else, kiddo?"

"What?"

"Why are you doin' this shit? Why are you hurting yourself?"

I looked around the room as though the answer was hidden in the sheetrock. "It wasn't... nothing. It wasn't anything. Stupid. I won't do it anymore."

"Promise?"

"Yeah, I promise."

"Pinky promise?"

I looked at my dad and rose my eyebrow at his outstretched pinky finger. "You're kidding, right?"

"Hell no! This is how we used to settle everything, you gotta pinky promise, kid, just like old times!"

The stare of disbelief on my face soon melted into a smile. As I locked my finger in his, grinning, I could have sworn my dad was a seven year old sometimes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you who weren't aware and/or give a shit, I am no longer with Lucas. I broke up with him and (think of me what you will), I'm now dating a guy at my school, Eric. He's sweet and wonderful and lovely and, I don't know, he makes me feel like I'm more than what I am, that I can make something of myself, which isn't something I've ever thought before. It's because of him that I now have real-world blowjob experience. I may consider changing some things. Maybe. Although, for the most part, I was able to do pretty much exactly what I wrote, so maybe not.
> 
> On the other hand, I don't know what's worse: me "becoming" Karkat insofar as his lack of will to live or move or breathe and self-harm goes, or me having felt this way and _then_ having written it in. I'd be worried except that I don't care anymore. Anyway. Hope you liked the chapter guys.
> 
> And hey, y'know. If I don't end up killing myself, I'm working on getting a GED. Not sure the fuck kind of job I can get with that, but whatever I guess. Review, loves.


	27. Boo!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: The grades deal is sorted out, for the most part, but school is the last thing I want to talk about. Ever.
> 
> I got caught cutting. The school faculty, my friends, and my family now know, and I've moved back in with my parents. My internet is, once again, utter shit.
> 
> My parents were, oddly, not complete assholes about it. For a while, at least. They're still pricks, but they acted more like Karkat's dad than my parents.
> 
> Counseling's weird. I'm not sure how to feel about it.
> 
> Everything's a lie.
> 
> I'm going insane
> 
> Chapter Twenty-Seven.

A week later, having been home for four days, it almost felt as though nothing had changed. My dad called me every day, sometimes my mom, but other than that, there wasn't a lot of difference. Robert had prescribed me, oddly enough, anxiety medication, which I suppose made sense in a way, and I was to be going to some bullshit psychiatrist or counselor or something once a week. Sollux, on the other hand, had decided him actually attending college wasn't necessary and somehow managed to transfer to online classes last minute. And that, of course, was nothing new, after a summer of nothing but the two of us lazing around the house. He was on his computer just as often, swore just the same, talked to himself no more than usual — everything I'd come to expect from living with him. It was a bit quieter due to the lack of video games being played at all hours of the day, but other than that, there was scarcely any difference. I, meanwhile, had spent the few days I'd been home searching job ads online and working on some semblance of a resumé.

To be honest, I didn't have much to put on it. I'd dropped out of the college I'd only just gotten high enough marks in high school to qualify for. I'd only gotten in after having been wait-listed for a couple years, which, though I had somehow managed to keep it to myself, was the reason Sollux and I were in the same year. On top of that, I didn't have much else going for me: very little job experience, abusive past, mentally unstable as defined by the cuts on my arms, no motivation, no skills, no anything. My life wasn't worth the effort I put out. But I stuck it through anyway, for Sollux's sake, because for whatever reason, he seemed to want me around. The explanation behind his desire was beyond me, but I had more sense than to question it — for the time being, anyway.

Regardless, life went on. I had filled a help wanted request at a local restaurant, Beverly's Pancake House, and they were doing interviews the next day. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. Job interviews were not things I had experience in. I couldn't even remember how I'd gotten my job at the coffee shop, though I'm pretty sure some strings had been pulled. And now, considering how useless I'd been in past months, remaining jobless wasn't an option. Not when Sollux had less time to work online now. My plan was essentially to attend the interview and pray.

* * *

That Friday had come with the surprising news of a job. Since then, time moved relentlessly. Everything seemed stagnant until my shift ended and I was driving home, until the TV was off and my boyfriend's mouth was on my dick. Everything seemed to be instant and infinite in the same moment. Therefore, it was no surprise that Halloween creeped up on me — literally. Three days before, Sollux had leaped out of the closet wearing a rather gruesome-looking mask with smears of red-dyed corn syrup on his arms and an outfit consisting of old clothes he'd torn apart. The noise I made was... well, let's just say Sollux didn't stop laughing for, oh, maybe an hour, and leave it at that. Either way, Halloween was up and coming and Sollux had the whole day off of classes, though for what reason, I couldn't fathom; I would have assumed a high-end college wouldn't give a single shit about holidays like Halloween. Christmas, sure, but Halloween? Rather uncommon, if I thought to give it a second thought.

Which I didn't. I was too busy putting together some way to get back at my asshole boyfriend for scaring the shit out of me. It was far from the first time I'd wondered if I could fit in the cabinets above the sink, though it _was_ the first time I'd actually tried. Worked well enough. After squeezing in there, all it took was some of the same red shit he'd had smeared on my neck and face, plus a random contortion of my limbs to make it look like somebody'd murdered me and jammed my body in the cabinet. I'm pretty sure the noise Sollux made upon finding me was worse than the one I'd made two days prior, and if that didn't perk _something_ up, I didn't know what else would. Though I did feel kinda bad for actually scaring him. Spooking him a bit for a laugh was my intention, I hadn't expected it to look so realistic he'd get sick in the sink. Needless to say, I spent the rest of the day catering to his needs.

Waking the next morning had set the holiday upon us. Cotton-fluff cobwebs were set in the eaves on the porch, a giant hairy spider with eight glowing eyes residing in the largest. Sollux, hunkered down under a tarp, hid behind the brick wall just past the front step, ready to leap out at the slightest provocation. I myself was behind the door, waiting with pearly white skin and blood-dripping cliché fangs to spook whoever was brave enough to make it past the stair troll. It wouldn't really have seemed our scene, to give out candy to kids, but two years prior, Nepeta had dropped by around noonish and demanded to know why we didn't so much as have decorations out. She spent the rest of the day helping us hang stupid paper bats and black, purple, and orange crépe paper. All it took was waking up with fond memories for us to not even have to consider doing it again the next year and just _doing_ it.

Since then, Sollux and I had had our house absolutely decked out for Halloween. Decorations from foundation to roof and everywhere in-between. Then the house lights went out and the porch light went on and Sollux dug out the bags of candy he'd bought and filled up one of those bowls with the motion activated zombie hand in the middle with it, and we both got in place and prepared ourselves to scare the shit out of five year olds. With each scream, something in the back of my mind berated me for being an asshole, but I really didn't give a shit. The night was over in a flash and then the candy was gone and the porch light was off and Sollux was riding my cock like a fucking cowgirl in our bed (and moaning like one, too).

Post-fuck cuddles were taking place when I muttered, "You think we should take off the top bunk?" Sollux shrugged and nuzzled his face into my neck.

"I'unno. Why?"

I shrugged back. "'Cause. It's kinda useless now, plus I get a little weirded out having that thing above me at night. Like, what if it fucking falls or something and kills me? Not to mention," I added, my tone softening in a sinister way as I pulled him closer, "you bump your head on it."

His face reddened slightly. "Fine by me. Th'aturday?" I hmm-ed and let him doze for a bit. It hadn't started happening until recently, or maybe I simply hadn't noticed sooner, but he'd began smiling in his sleep. Not like a constant thing, just a little flash of tightened skin and then it was gone. My heart did some stupid little flip whenever I caught one. Then I started smiling and it became one big fucking gay grinning orgy. I kind of liked it.

That Saturday night was the first time for us sleeping where we could see the ceiling in years.

"Come 'ere, KK." The nerdy-couch-potato-calls-newly-awoken-still-very-tired-asshole-over-as-he-exits-their-bedroom-for-the-first-time-that-day scenario played for the umpteenth time the next morning.

"Nnngh," I replied, rubbing my eyes. "The fuck do you want?"

He snorted, but didn't answer until I reached him. He did me a favor and met me around the back of the couch so I didn't have to walk as far, so I forgave him for bugging me by making some vague attempt at actual consciousness. Of course, the next thing he did caused me to snap awake anyway at the sudden terror pierced my mind at his touch — he'd pulled back my sleeves without a word and gripped one wrist in his hand, scrutinizing the healing cuts under two-tone eyes. I tried to jerk back but he just held on.

"I juth't wanna look," he muttered, running the thumb of the hand on my wrist over the closest one. So I stood there, growing exponentially more uncomfortable as each second passed. Then Sollux was pulling me against his chest and wrapping his arms around me and squeezing until I couldn't breathe, asking in a shaky whisper, "Didn't you have enough th'carth'?" I wasn't sure how to answer that. He kissed the top of my head and held me a bit longer, clearly for his sake rather than mine, before letting me go.

"You want breakfath't?" he questioned, pushing past me into the kitchen.

"Uh. Yeah."

"Okay. I'm in the mood for an omelet."

"Sure." I sat at the kitchen table and watched as he went about gathering supplies. "So. Hey. What was that?"

He sighed, but didn't stop. "I don't know. I wath' juth't thinking and you know where _my_ fucking mind goeth'." His voice was briefly muffled as he dug for eggs in the fridge. "Then I couldn't get the thought out of my head and I had to th'ee them, I had to th'ee where you'd hurt yourth'elf and somehow tell myth'elf that it was actually real and not juth't th'ome shitty nightmare. It wath'... that wath' the beth't proof I had."

"Oh."

"Hm."

"...I'm sorry."

"I know."

The kitchen remained silent, aside from the quiet roar of flame in the stove, until Sollux put a hot omelet on the table in front of me, and then the only noise was the clink of metal on polished ceramic. When I'd finished my meal, I stood up and set my plate in the sink, returning to the bedroom hopefully under the pretense of needing to use the bathroom. Which wasn't entirely a lie. The bathroom was where I was headed, in any case. Then again, so was the razor blade wedged between the corner of the shelf in the trash-bag covered medicine cabinet and the thin, sheet metal back of it.

His words had sent me reeling internally, and I'd sat through breakfast trying my hardest to shrink so far into myself I vanished completely. It hadn't worked, so the next best thing was to get some of the stupid regret out of me and down the drain. The realization that I hadn't turned on the shower or even closed the door before I sliced into my skin sent adrenaline rushing through my veins, numbing the pain and allowing me to cut even deeper. _If you hadn't done it in the first place, you wouldn't have upset him, fucking dumbass. Do it again. Punish yourself. You're fucking useless. You better hope he catches you, hope he fucking sees, hope it tears him the fuck apart, because that's the only kind of justification you get for this shit. Watch him hurt. That, and this, that's your punishment. Fucking do it, dickhead._

I held a handful of toilet paper under my wrist as I turned around to lock the door, only to find Sollux in the doorway, staring down at my arm in defeat. My eyes widened. "No, it's not — I-I-I mean, it isn't what... I. I'm sorry," I relented quietly, bowing my head. He said nothing, but crossed the room in two long strides and held me tight again.

As soon as I wished I knew what was going through his mind, he must have read mine. "Don't be th'orry, it'th' not your fault, really, KK, don't — I'm th'orry, I'm — I'm th'orry, I'm th'orry, I didn't mean to, to — I'm th'orry." He didn't even seem to mind the sticky, warm blood I was getting on his shirt. "Juth't — juth't, tell me what I did, okay? Juth't tell me what I did, I won't do it, I'll th'top it, I won't do it if it means you won't do thith'."

I looked up in partial confusion. "You didn't—"

"Yeth', I did. I'm th'o th'orry," he cut me off, adjusting his grip. His voice cracked on the last word and he pressed his lips against the top of my head. "I'm th'orry, KK."

I didn't find my voice until he said th'orry again. "Stop it, okay?" I asked, finally wriggling out of his grip. I felt trapped in his arms, like I couldn't breathe. "You didn't do it, Sollux. It was me, my fault. I did it, so just stop!" I left the bathroom leaving behind a handful of bloodied toilet paper and a crushed-looking boyfriend. How was that for a post-Halloween scare?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm okay. I'm okay now. I fixed myself. I just kind of realized, "This is stupid bullshit and I'm done with it," and now I'm not doing it anymore. Turns out, surprise, surprise, it was all in my fucking head anyway, which I think I kind of knew all along. I've been drinking a lot lately, mostly because my relationship with Eric was rather short-lived (drinking now, actually), and I haven't been taking my meds for like a month, which I think I'm okay with, and I'm okay and everything's okay and, aside from the fact that I'm now single, I'm happy. Thing is, though... I'm really gonna fucking miss him. I already miss him. It really sucks when you're not done loving someone who's done loving you. That sounds really poetic to me, but at the same time, I'm drunk and it's probably not half as profound as I think it is.
> 
> And two weeks later, I'm kind of over him. All it took was having a casual conversation and $45, which I've noticed is a trend, at least so far as conversation goes, with me and the getting-over process with any of my exes. The money was paying back a loan that gave me an excuse to talk to him, and the peculiar, unexpected turn of the phrase, "Have a great day," left my mind rattled and my conscience clear, somehow. Regardless, I'm still okay, not going back to that shit, everything's okay. I've had Eminem and Rihanna's _Monster_ stuck in my head for like a week, but whatever. Everything's _really_ okay, and not even the kind of okay where you say it's okay even when it isn't. Know what I mean? ;) Review loves, and I'm so sorry for the lateness of this chapter. I was clearly working through some shit, as per usual. Shouldn't happen again, though. Only reason it would is cause I'm a lazy asshole, but what else is new, amiright? XD


	28. Welcome Back to Reality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's note: Fucking. Finally.
> 
> So. The most incredible thing happened a couple weeks ago. A fan of this fic added me on Skype about a month prior, and we'd been talking, and then he just kind of confessed his love to me (haha wow that sounds really cliché and not at all like what really happened but okay) after I mentioned in passing that I may or may not have had a small (giant) crush on him that I didn't plan on pursuing for his sake, respectful of his sexuality. But then he did and I think I'm dead because oh my god he's such a sweetheart. He's super badass and cute and he makes me laugh and there's no freakin' way this is really happening. He rarely swears, instead he says stuff like "ship" and "fudge," and he calls me _gorgeous,_ of all things, and he's willing to waste his phone minutes on stupid conversations late at night about artificial flavors and god knows what, and I could extol his virtues for pages, but I won't, for you guy's sake. Not to mention, this is the second time a crush of mine has panned out. I feel powerful. But also a bit overwhelmed, because holy shit, I practically changed this kid's sexuality. Or, at the very least, I'm the exception, and that's a hell of a lot of responsibility. Regardless, I am rapidly falling in love. I got a boyfriend out of this deal, this fic has outlived its usefulness, see ya!
> 
> I'm kidding, of course. I've also started a new fic. I know I said I'd move on to the other HS fic I started next, but this thing fucking started writing itself in my head at like two AM one night and I just sat up like, "Shit. I fucking have to write this down, don't I? Fuck me." Plus the premise of the other one is so cliché and I'm literally the worst kind of Mary Sue, so I'm not really sure I wanna finish (start?) it. So it's a Mavin fic (Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter fandom), Anarchic Attraction on AO3 (is there an RTAH fandom on FF? I know there's an RvB one, but that's not what I'm looking for, and I'd rather not put it in miscellaneous if I don't have to). It's an anarchist dystopia!AU, and I'm really proud of it already.
> 
> Once again, this chapter's infinitely late. At least it's long! All I can say is, life happened. I made the mistake of planning to get it done on Mother's Day, I've recently started getting into speedrunning Jak 3, I went to see my cousin one weekend again, I'm trying to force my parents into getting their shit together and taking me to the DMV so I can get my license, _and school consistently sucks anus._ That aside, we're nearing the end with each new chapter and I'm just getting more and more psyched about it. I already have the last chapter about half written. Can't wait to get there. Logic would follow that I'd find more time to write, but life is merciless and free time plus motivation is harder to come by than ever. Until then, Chapter Twenty-Eight loves! (Special thanks to previously mentioned adorkable boyfriend for helping me upload this.  <3)

Sollux was quieter around me for the next month or so. Not to the extent he'd been the week I began cutting, though reminiscent of it enough to thoroughly freak me out. Which I honestly had no right to be. I was the one who had pushed him away. He simply seemed cautious, if anything. Which he honestly had _every_ right to be. I was the one who'd fucked up. Again.

We chatted about superficial things during meals, things that, though somewhat important, were more likely than not things we wouldn't normally talk about. How his classes were going, for one. _How wath' work?_ another. Stupid, school-friends conversations. I couldn't help but wish he'd just cut the shit and talk to me like he used to, 'cause, to be blunt, I really missed my boyfriend.

It didn't help that I wasn't making much of an effort to fix things either. I'd lay in bed on my off days — Sollux had found the time to remove the top bunk one day while I was at work — and not do anything, thinking about how much time I had left to lie down and do nothing before I had to interact with Sollux again and psyching myself up to actually get up and pass for what had become "normal." I knew that if I didn't do that, I wouldn't so much as respond when he called me out for meals, let alone move.

On the days I did have work, it be an extra hour, give or take, before I was ready to go, and I put out a mediocre effort at best once there. Word at the water-cooler was that the manager wasn't pleased, and I was almost considering applying for other jobs. Part of me wanted to, but there was the constant, nagging feeling that I wouldn't get a new job anyway when I couldn't even keep the one I had. The funds were still coming in, in any case, but now another worry on my fear-riddled mind was where they'd come from when I got fired. Not if. When. And telling Sollux, wow, that wasn't a conversation I wanted to have. Either he'd scream or I'd scream — worst case scenario, we'd _both_ scream — and who knows where that could lead.

Apparently, I was about to find out.

I expected him to cross to the bathroom like he usually did and leave without a word when he walked in Sunday. Holy shit was I wrong. A weight on the end of the bed had me wondering if it was worth wasting the energy to look up and see who I knew was the cause of it. "Can I talk to you for a minute, KK?" I mhm-ed in tenuous approval and cleared my throat at how scratchy it sounded. "Okay. Can you th'it up th'o I don't feel like I'm talking to a blanket?" _You do that anyway,_ I thought, trying to convince my muscles to follow his instructions and succeeding after a few seconds.

"Okay. Um. Th'o, I'm juth't gonna talk for a bit and you can talk after, okay? I juth't. I wanna make sure I th'ay everything and don't forget th'tuff." I nodded, pulling the blanket up even more around my shoulders. "Alright." He took a deep breath, looking anywhere but at me as he spoke. "I'm worried about you, KK. Obviouth'ly with good reath'on, but worried all the th'ame, and I don't know what the fuck I'm meant to do. I've been trying to give you your th'path'e but enough ith' enough and I want to know what'th' going on. No matter what you do, or what you th'ay, you're th'till the moth't important thing in my life and it killth' me to think that you're not talking to me becauth'e of th'omething I did or th'aid, th'o pleath'e tell me what'th' wrong and I'll at leath't try to make it better. There'th' only th'o much I can do before you have to th'tart doing th'omething for yourth'elf, and _that_ th'tartth' with you doing th'omething other than th'itting in here alone."

It wasn't until he finished that he was able to turn his gaze my way. "I want you to be happy, KK. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you don't th'eem very happy. Why not? What can I do to help you?"

I couldn't look him in the eye. It was different for me. All he had to do was ask. I was the one who had to come up with the answers, had to figure out how to explain that I didn't want to move or talk or _breathe_ without sounding like I was telling him I didn't want to be alive anymore. Whether I did or not, that was beside the point. He didn't necessarily need to know that, now did he? When I opened my mouth to reply, nothing of value came out. A stifled sigh. A discordant note that might have been the beginning to an explanation as to why I _couldn't_ answer him. Any amalgamation of words _could_ have come out, making at least the slightest sense, but none _did,_ and I was left shaking my head with no verbal reply, wincing at the expected yelling to ensue. It never came.

"O-Oh," he muttered, disappointment tainting the encouraging smile that rose on his face. "Okay. Will you talk to me though? It'th' okay that you don't wanna talk right now, but will you talk to me at th'ome point?" I shrugged and tilted my head to the side, glancing away instinctively before forcing myself to look back at him. It was all I wanted to shrink into the blanket. Sollux seemed to find my answer acceptable, however, and forced an even wider smile as he scooted up on the bed, pressing a kiss to my forehead before standing up and leaving the room. The door shut resolutely behind him.

* * *

Astonishingly, I'd not yet been fired two and a half weeks later, and less surprisingly, I had yet to break out of my depression. Sollux had tried twice more to get me to talk to him, and both times I had nothing to say beyond the occasional grunt allowing him to continue. It sucked knowing I was hurting him by not talking, but being selfish seemed to be the only thing I was good at, and my mind hated me just enough to keep me from being okay again. Another thing that sucked was Sollux opening the door just enough to stick his head in and ask if I wanted to have Thanksgiving with our parents tomorrow, or if he should make some kind of excuse. That was pathetic in its own right, but there was also the fact that he had to ask.

Since the we'd discovered we were neighbors, all the way back in sixth grade — nearly ten years ago, holy shit had it really been that long? — Sollux's and my family came together and had Thanksgiving dinner together, complete with twenty-five pound Turkey, insane aunts and uncles, cousins of all ages, and widowed, married, and divorced grandparents alike. Robert and his wife and mother were usually there, too. More of Sollux's family was present than mine due to my parents having left a majority of our older family members in Florida, and they excused their presence by saying they were too frail to travel. I got the feeling that nobody really minded, because twenty some-odd combined friends and family members was plenty, thank you.

It was enough in and of itself that my boyfriend was willing to make excuses for how selfish and stupid I was being, but for Sollux to ask if it was something I felt up for doing struck a chord with me, my conscience telling me that what I was doing wasn't okay and I needed to suck it up and stop feeling so sorry for myself, because clearly, my boyfriend, my family, my friends, they all still wanted me around, so I must be worth something. Of course, there was the louder voice of "reason" telling me that I was too stupid to be able to function like a normal person, that I should be dead in some ditch or roadkill for someone else to clean up because all I was good for was being in the way, telling me that nobody really wanted me around and their asking was simply courtesy. Sollux's constant attempts at trying to get me to talk to him, _really_ talk to him and stop the fake conversations and obvious topic changes whenever things got too serious at the dinner table, were helping quiet those thoughts, and it was all I could do to hope that he wouldn't give up, because I knew I couldn't do this by myself. I'd already given up. Now it was up to him to have the strength to pull me away from the edge.

But he was right, regardless. There was only so much he could do before I had to start doing something for myself. So I told him yes, I wanted to go, and began mentally preparing myself for the next day, trying to figure out what it would take to appear okay. It only took the few seconds between a smile breaking out on Sollux's face and the door closing as he began to speak into the phone receiver again to realize that nobody, sans my dad, knew we were dating. Something told me Thanksgiving this year would certainly be interesting.

* * *

My nerves were undeniably shot by the end of the short drive from our house to our destination. Since our parents were directly neighbors, not to mention both they and their kids were close friends, they'd long since removed the fence between their houses and connected their backyards, which allowed for a very long table during family holidays. And, of course, our house was solidly decked out in Thanksgiving decorations, no doubt my mom's doing. I had no trouble imagining my dad grumbling to himself in the antiquated armchair in the living room while my mom whooshed around, pinning up paper turkeys and cheap "Happy Thanksgiving!" banners. She had the eccentric kind of personality that allowed for things like that.

Alnet Vantas, eccentricity included, was, in most if not all senses of the term, a hippie. While she settled down after getting married, I remember she used to tell me and my sister about her protests, peaceful, often loud things that could carry on for days. She lived with her parents in a sort of hippie camp, flower crowns and moccasins abound, and clothes were as optional as showers — about as stereotypical as you could get. Now, in her mid-fifties (a good few years older than my father), she was a small, mousy-haired woman who looked her age plus a few years, with a face that wore a near-constant frown, juxtaposing marvelously with her happy-go-lucky mindset. And though the corners of her mouth naturally turned down with age, she still held one of the brightest smiles I'd seen on anyone when she opened the door to greet Sollux and me about ten feet away from the house.

"Oh, Karkat, sweetie, it's so nice to see you! And Sollux, dear, I've missed you just as much. You never come visit me, either of you, and I just never know where you are anymore!" Her smile shone through in her voice as she gave us hugs.

"I know, Mom, you're right. I haven't seen you in forever," I replied, forcing a smile for her sake that very obviously reached neither my voice nor my eyes. Hence mine didn't meet hers, even as I glanced up to scan her face. She didn't seem to notice. "You're getting so old too, I almost wouldn't have recognized you."

"Oh, don't remind me," she muttered, taking the comment in her stride and shielding her eyes with her forearm in a dramatic fashion as she turned back into the house, a signal the two of us took to follow her. "Your father's always telling me I'm just as gorgeous as I was when we meet. Then he says I haven't aged a day and I just laugh." Sollux chuckled to my right, a half step behind me as my mom led us through the hall to the backyard. I glanced back and his smile, genuine for the only the second time I could think of recently, widened, a reaction that led me to realize I had a smile on my face as well. Leave it to my mom to get me to grin.

I'd almost reached back and grabbed Sollux's hand by the time we got outside, both because the hall was rather poorly lit and I wanted to make sure he stayed with me and because something in me wanted to feel normal again. Like that smile was just the beginning of whatever was gonna fix me. I kind of liked the idea of hope.

"Hey, Kolby, the kids are here!" A familiar voice rang above the general chatter and occasional screech as the younger kids played when we exited the house.

"About damn time, the turkey's almost done!" my dad hollered back.

"Yeah, 'cause you've been cooking it!"

"Well, they didn't need to know that, nice going, Rob. As much as the kid visits, I could have miraculously gained culinary skills, couldn't I?"

"How about y'all stop having y'all's conversation from across the yard and just go over there, why don't ya?!" An older male voice belonging to Sollux's uncle rose over Robert's reply, resulting in a round of laughter amongst those already seated, as well as the ones it was targeting and the three just entering the yard. To the right, my dad threw a football to one of Sollux's cousins and jogged over to us, bracing his hands on his knees and trying to catch his breath once he got here.

"Swear, those tykes find a new way to tire me out every year," he panted.

"It's called getting old, dear," my mom spliced in, smiling.

Dad shook his head and pulled me into a hug, still breathing heavily. "Nice to see you, kid." He extended a hand to Sollux when he pulled away, looking him pointedly in the eye as if to say, _I know your secret now, and you had better be taking care of my son._ "And you, Sollux. You're always just as welcome here."

"Alwayth' nith'e to be here, th'ir," he replied, shaking his hand firmly and almost glaring back as though to ensure him he was.

His jaw was set in a crooked grin, though his eyes never left Sollux. "Alnet, how many times have I told him to call me Kolby?"

The woman responded with her soft, musical laugh. "Too many to count. I think it's about time you gave up."

"Eh," he began, shrugging. "You know me: I never give—"

"Daddy! Daddy, come play with the kids, I wanna say hi to Karkitty!" Nepeta's voice came from where Dad had been before, and I looked over to see her bright red hair bouncing as she jumped in place. She looked so childish, full of laughter and life, just like she did every other year, and it was almost difficult to remember that there was anything wrong at all. It was slow, molasses memories that were anything but sweet, but all at once I remembered there _was_ something wrong, there was everything wrong — I shouldn't have been there. Everyone was so happy and here I was intruding on it. They couldn't have really wanted me there.

"Tell Nep I'll be right back, I gotta use the bathroom first." Mom's eyebrows raised a fraction of an inch, but she agreed regardless and I immediately turned around and entered the dark house, navigating to the bathroom and locking the door.

 _It's just like me to fucking ruin everyone's good time, just fucking like me. What the shitting hell is my problem?_ I asked myself, rummaging through the drawers for something sharp, scissors, an old pocket knife that had no where better to be, hell I'd settle for a nail file. Of course I found nothing there and instead found myself glaring at the mirror, scratching viciously at my arm, trying to feel _something,_ some sensation, emotion, pain, regret, anything but rage, anything but the taste of salt on my tongue and the knot in my throat. The hope from before felt lightyears away, unattainable, a wisp of a memory. All the knock on the door did was send me deeper into myself. I froze, my nails still dug into red-scratched skin and tears dripping aimlessly from my eyes, all the while knowing I had to do something to satisfy whoever was on the other side. Swallowing hard and clearing my throat, I said with as strong a voice I could muster, "Just a minute," hoping they'd return to the party and ask where another bathroom was.

"KK. Let me in." My face crumpled and I felt more pathetic than ever.

"No."

"Pleath'e?"

It wasn't until the door opened that I realized I was the one doing it. He took one glance at my reddened forearms before striding in, closing the door behind him. I stepped backwards to allow him room and immediately sat on the floor, back against the tub, knees tucked to my chest, and ignoring how the shag rug created an uncomfortable ridge between it and the linoleum. He calmly took a seat next to me, sitting in a similar fashion close enough that our arms brushed. I almost wanted to shy away from the contact.

"What'th' wrong?" There was none of the expected exasperation in his tone, none of the boredom I'd been waiting for. Only the same, deep-seated concern he'd had for weeks now. I shrugged. "No. I want an answer thith' time. I'm th'ick of being patient. Tell me what'th' bothering you. _Pleath'e,_ KK. I don't like how nauseouth' I get when you th'ay you're going to the bathroom. Becauth'e th'ay what you will, in my ekth'perienth'e, you're lying."

That wasn't something I _ever_ wanted to hear again, partially because of how blunt it was, but mostly because it was true. "I feel like I'm intruding," I muttered finally, starting attentively at the pattern of the fabric on my knees and picking at a loose string with one hand.

"Intruding on what?" Again where I had expected accusation and shock, there was only curiosity.

"Everyone. This whole... _thing._ Everyone seems so happy, and I'm just the rain cloud over their fucking sunshine. They're having a great time without me, the last thing anyone wants is some asshole intruding on everything, ruining an otherwise great fuckin' time and, and—" My voice caught in my throat and I could feel tears, liquid weakness, welling again in my eyes. "And I was wrong. I shouldn't have come here, I knew they were only asking 'cause that's what they always do, I should have let you go and enjoyed yourself and not taken me with you because I know nobody wants me around and I just wish everyone would realize I know and stop pretending."

He didn't say anything for a long time after that. Then— "Ith' that what you think? That everyone only ath'kth' to th'ee you becauth'e it'th' what'th' ekth'pected of uth'? That it'th' all juth't, like, courteth'y?" No indignation. Just confusion, like he was trying to piece it together in his mind.

"It is though. It's all some inside joke, everyone's sick of me, sick of pretending to like me. They were hoping I'd end up killing myself so they wouldn't have to—"

"Shut up," he snapped. There was the anger. I knew it was only a matter of time before he'd had enough trying to get me to believe a lie. Next he'd just stand up and leave. "Don't you _ever_ th'ay that again. _Nobody_ wantth' you to kill yourth'elf." _...What?_ "Anyone who th'ay'th' otherwith'e ith' a th'tupid pieth'e of shit who ith'n't worth lith'tening to in the firth't plath'e. You're th'uch an important person, KK. Th'o many people like you, th'o many people want you around. If telling you you're wrong ith' what it taketh' to get you to believe me, then you've never been more wrong. I love you, KK, I haven't told you that nearly enough lately. I love you th'o, tho much. Your family loveth' you, and your friendth', and you mean th'o much to everyone around you, I don't underth'tand how you could think for one th'econd you were unwanted."

"It's all a lie, Sollux!" I shot back, my voice louder than I would have liked it to be. I glanced at the frosted window to my left, hoping nobody had heard. "Nobody wants me. All I'm good at is fucking up. I don't want to believe it, I really don't, but I _know_ better."

"Then don't!" he shot back. "If I didn't want you around, would I be th'pending thith' much time trying to convinth'e you otherwith'e? If I didn't care, would I be trying thith' hard?" He didn't give me a chance to answer before he continued. "Believe it or not, KK, and now I know you don't, but you should, 'cauth'e believe it or not, you're the only thing keeping th'ome people together. Eth'pecially me. I don't know what I'd do without you. Life doeth'n't th'eem ath' important without you in it. And if you're not here... who'th' gonna come pick me up from the th'ide of the highway?" There were the beginnings of a truly pitiful smile on his lips as he turned to me. "I need you, Karkat. Who elth'e ith' gonna get my th'upid ath' out of the trouble I get it in, literally the moth't ridiculous fucking thingth'? Who elth'e could I call with the dime I found on the ground that I could count on to pick me up?"

"Your parents" was the logical answer to his rhetorical question, but I hadn't thought logically about this whole ordeal since the beginning. Yet, whatever he'd said had set the cogs turning, and my mind was running a mile a minute, and, for once, everything started to make sense. Thoughts from weeks, months ago, insults I'd hurled at myself, excuses, they all swirled around in my head, creating a whirlwind I was having some trouble deciphering. Luckily, one clear, concise line of thought rose above the chaos. _Why not? Why wouldn't people want me around? Sure, everyone's having fun, and now that I'm here, they're not enjoying themselves any less. They invited me. They really want me around. There's no fuckin' way that everyone's in on this stupid inside joke to just pretend to like me. How fucking ridiculous._

"How can you not th'ee how important you are?" I was so lost in my train of thought I was barely listening. "You're th'o—"

"This is stupid," I blurted. "I mean, this is really fucking stupid. What the hell is wrong with me?" Sollux remained silent during my outburst, and I remained dumbstruck at how ignorant I'd been. "What the fuck, Sollux. I'm an _idiot."_

"KK—" His concerned tone trailed off when he caught the grin on my face.

I turned my head to face him. "I'm so fucking dumb."

"KK, you're not dummmph—" I cut him off with a kiss.

The feeling of his lips was almost unfamiliar to me. My eyes widened as I pulled away. "Fuck. I'm sorry. I've been such a shit, especially to you. You're. You. Shit. You're fucking amazing. I love you, Sollux. Jesus. I'm so stupid."

He blinked a few times. "Uh. You're forgiven? I-I'm not sure what — a-are you okay? Er... okayer?"

"I'm fucking incredible. I'm amazing. I'm more okay than I've been in months. I'm the kind of fine where I say I'm fine and I mean it. Like. For good."

"That'th'... good? I'm a little, uh... unsure."

"Yeah, Sollux. It's good," I told him, smiling and loving the way it felt. "It's really good."

"Good. It'th' good. You're. You're okay. Shit, I can't... wrap my mind around thith'. Part of me wantth' to believe you're okay. Part of me can't."

"I _am_ okay," I insisted, really meaning it. "I can't believe how _stupid_ I've been. I'm really okay." Sollux didn't reply. We sat in silence for a moment until I reached over and grabbed his hand. He looked down at our hands and smiled.

"You're... you're okay. That'th'... fucking amazing." He shot me a toothy half-grin that grew even wider when I smiled back, and I took the opportunity to relearn his mouth. Until a knock fell on the door, anyway. My eyes shot open in concern and my cheeks flushed with guilt while Sollux calmly took control of the situation. "I'll be right out."

"Oh, Sollux? I thought Karkat was still in there." My mom's voice carried through the wooden door.

"No, I think he went back to the party."

"Well, alright then. I'll check out there. Thank you, dear."

"Of courth'e." He turned to me when the click of her heels was farther down the hall, a victorious smirk emerging on his face.

"Shut up," I snorted, slapping the back of his head. He laughed and proceeded to jam his tongue down my throat in a positively obscene way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hypothetically speaking, if I set up a donate button on my blog, would you guys donate to me? Your favoritest author ever? Of all time? I just wanna go to RTX xc And. You know. Be able to buy myself shampoo and clothes and all that shit that my parents are too goddamn lazy to buy me, and pay rent when I move out.
> 
> Also, The Suicide Machines. Specifically, New Girl. _And,_ I found an 8-bit version of Hey! and it's fucking unbearable, 8-bit tracks are the absofuckinglute best, I wish they were easier to make because I'd have an 8-bit version of literally everything. Plus, there are two versions of The Real You, and they're both great, and there's a cover of REM's It's The End Of The World and I just — y'know what, just, The Suicide Machines. All of it. That said, I'm falling in love with a band that no longer exists. *cries softly* I blame THPS.
> 
> I got my driver's permit. That was a fucking nightmare with how useless my parents are. But I'm driving now. Yay. (Not as exciting as I thought it would be.)
> 
> Final thing, the Sims for a lot of these characters are linked in my Thigns & Sutff page on my tumblr, achievement-tooths. This is what I do in my spare time. Make Sims of characters from a gay fanfiction. 'S all good though. And Kolby, Kolby is so fucking perfect, it hurts. So's teen Alnet, I can't take it.
> 
> Shoot me a review if it's not too much trouble, and I apologize for the extreme length of this AN. They'll get smaller once I start maintaining some kind of update schedule (ha) and have less to report.


	29. Leftovers for Days

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, apparently, I was on hiatus. Apparently. To make a long story short, I started like thirteen different projects and only recently finished like a sixteenth of one (which is a milestone, believe me), and I spent at least forty-eight cumulative hours rewatching Red vs. Blue plus the commentary and other bonus features on the DVDs (I have through season 11) and have been reading a _lot_ of RvB fanfiction and I started spending like an hour and a half every day exercising, like jogging and actually doing Dance Dance Revolution instead of just using the controller and doing specific exercises every time something specific was mentioned in any given Achievement Hunter video??? (I'm so fucking sore I hate myself) Not to mention, I just went to camp for two weeks with no access to electronics whatsoever and _way_ more nature than is healthy. And, of course, obligatory near-relapse. I saw a bottle of pills on the ground and found myself disappointed when it turned out to just be ibuprofen. Regardless. Normally I'd excuse the wait on this chapter with "I'm a lazy jackass," but clearly that's not the case, so "I've been busy" will have to do???? I wasn't expecting the entire fucking summer to be so damn... full. (I really didn't shorten that story at all.)
> 
> In other news, I finished the SolKat house in The Sims 3! Check out the pics [here](https://drive.google.com/folderview?id=0Bx2azeNp1qu1bTNueDFYY1Rtcms&usp=sharing), and I'm sure I could figure out how to export the house for anyone who has TS3 as well and wants to download it (the Sims themselves, as well), though I have to warn you, I have all the expansion packs plus a shit load of custom content, though that is mostly clothing. Actually, the world I built the house in was custom (Los Aniegos or something?). I know I have at least one custom piece of furniture. The lighting's a bit wonky in places (the bedroom closet), there was no large round table in any of the expansions and I couldn't find a single damn one in custom, so I had to piece together a bunch of little round ones, and the kitchen was a fucking _nightmare_ to make. The island counters I used are horrible and I hate them. The left edge piece has a different texture, apparently, than the middle, right, and corner pieces. For whatever reason, the left edge piece is corrupted. Instead of loading properly like the rest, it stays as the gray, untextured _shape_ of the island it's meant to be. The texture never loads, you can't Create-A-Style it, you can't fucking nothing, it's just straight up broken. Somehow, I fooled the game into thinking the left edge piece is a middle piece. Don't ask me how I did it. I could not fucking tell you. I probably couldn't do it again. Just accept it as magic and move on.
> 
> That aside, Chapter Twenty-Nine, my friends. Oh man we're so close I'm sorry I'm so lazy. Enjoy~

In order to reduce the risk of my mom returning and finding me and Sollux in the bathroom doing things no "friends" should be doing to each other, I had left the offending room and found my old one. Surprisingly, aside from various half-full cardboard boxes now littering the floor and tucked into corners, or on top of the rather antiquated writing desk and mini-entertainment center, complete with dinosaur television, it had remained largely unchanged since I'd moved out. I sat on the bed and looked at some stupid trinket on my nightstand, some clay thing I'd made in first grade or kindergarten back in Florida that had somehow survived both the move and the fifteen years between then and now. I must have lost track of time looking through my old shit because at some point, I found my mom in the doorway, watching me with a wistful smile on her face. I jumped about a foot in the air when I saw movement out of the corner of my eye.

"Jesus! A bit of warning next time, Mom!" She just laughed and sat on the side of my bed, like she did whenever she needed to talk to me years ago. I'd be under my covers in no mood to talk and she'd walk in and sit on my bed and ruffle my hair and say what she needed to say before leaving. I, being the asshole I was, wouldn't say a word until the next day, at which point I'd mumble an apology and excuse under my breath that she always seemed to hear and the world would be right again. But that was moody-teenage-prick Karkat, not moody-early-twenties-prick Karkat who never got to see his mom anymore, as opposed to living with the woman. So instead of scrambling to lie down awkwardly, facing away from the door and pretending to be asleep, I sat down next to her, watching her nostalgia-glazed eyes study the room.

"It's been so long since you left," she murmured.

"Only a few years. And I always come back, don't I?" She wrapped an arm around my shoulders and tugged me into a tight embrace.

"Your father told me you almost didn't," she stated quietly, giving me a pointed look. "He didn't tell me much else though, except that things were hard for you and that we should give you your space."

I stared at the ground, gaze unwavering while I told her, "I'm over that now."

"Well, good," she replied, a smile in her voice. "It's not fun watching my Karkitty hurt." She had that almost baby-talk tone only a mother can have while kissing me wherever she could. I immediately began struggling to get out of her grasp.

"Mom! _Mom!_ Knock it off, Mom, c'mon!" I couldn't help but groan when she held on tighter. "Moooooom, please!"

"Only cause you asked so nicely," she told me, giving one last squeeze before pushing herself to her feet. "Alright, Karkles—" She ignored my scoff at the nickname. "—I don't wanna know why you're in here instead of outside with everyone else, I definitely don't wanna know what you were doing with Sollux in the bathroom, and—"

"I wasn't — h-how'd you know that?!" I interrupted, shocked indignation pervading my tone.

"I'm a _mom,_ honey. Mothers know these things. On the other hand, I _didn't_ know until you told me just now. Just a hunch." I sputtered at her self-satisfied response, mentally slapping myself for admitting to it in the first place. "Please come out and join us soon, okay sweetie?"

"Uh... y-yeah." _Shit, here's my chance,_ I realized, stomach sinking. "Uh. Mom?" She, of course, was already down the hall. "Mom, wait!"

"Yes, dear?" she replied almost expectantly, stopping and turning around.

"I've been wanting to tell you that... I... uh. Love you," I finished lamely. _Wow, nicely fucking done,_ I scolded myself, almost rolling my eyes. _So much for that._

She smiled, something in her expression telling me she knew more than she was letting on. Rather than declare it, however, she just said, "I love you, too. Now, come out, you still haven't said hello to your sister."

"Uh, yeah. Okay." So I followed her out, finally greeting Nepeta thirty minutes after my arrival, an event rather akin to the greeting she'd given me on her birthday that elicited a laugh from those paying attention. Sollux had reentered the crowd long before me, but it still wasn't hard to pick out his tall, lanky ass from the throng of people, especially as he made his way towards me.

"Hi."

"Hi yourself."

"Aw, did th'omebody get their featherth' ruffled?"

"Shut up, shitprick. I. Uh. I need help." His expression changed from mildly amused to slightly concerned.

"With?"

Taking a deep breath, I told him, checking she wasn't within earshot, "I can't tell my mom."

"About—"

"About us, yeah."

 _"Can't_ ath' in you're incapable of telling her, or _can't_ ath' in telling her will have catath'trophic resultth'?"

"Potentially both? I just, she gave me the perfect opportunity, and I tried, and I just, 'Mom, I gotta tell you something. I love you,' I just, like, fuck me. The look she gave me, it's like she already _knows_ and she's just waiting for me to tell her."

He thought the situation over for a moment. "Maybe... maybe she doeth'. Already know, I mean. You told your dad, and—"

"He said he wasn't going to tell her, that it was something I'd have to do. I mean, I don't know why I'm even having a problem with this. She grew up in, like, the most acceptant culture ever, probably the only reason Dad's okay with it is 'cause of her, like, I really _shouldn't_ be having this problem. But, I am, and... I don't know what to do."

"She might have gueth'ed," he suggested after mulling over the new information. "I mean, my mom knew before I did that I liked you. My beth't advith'e ith' to juth't bite the bullet and go for it, 'cauth'e you might not ever tell her if you don't now and then she'll be _really_ confuth'ed in twenty yearth' when you and I-I-I mean, u-uh, yeah."

Had I not been so distracted by my stomach's vicious rumbling at Robert's yell of, "Turkey's ready!" across the yard to my dad, I might have said something about the way Sollux's cheeks burned when he caught himself, a light blush passable as exertion to those who'd last seen him playing with the little kids, but definitely a blush.

"Let's deal with this after dinner, okay?" I dismissed, practically gravitating toward the table.

"But, KK—" He growled when I ignored him, but followed me to the table all the same.

* * *

After we'd eaten, about half of us were jam packed into the living room while the rest were making use of what little light dusk still offered in the in-ground pool out back of Sollux's parents' house. None of us, save Rob and my dad, really gave a shit about football, so everyone else's conversations were occasionally interrupted by loud yelling directed at the television and chip crumbs flying across the room from the two of them leaping out of their seats after an incredible play, or a turnover to the other team, or a touchdown, or something of that sort. Most of the older folk, my mom included, rolled their eyes at the outburst, or complained that they were trying to have a conversation, but Sollux, his oldest cousin Mituna, Latula, and I all laughed.

The two were engaged in a heated conversation about skate culture and the best skateparks in town, a topic they both found as enthralling as my dad and Rob found football, while Sollux and I laid back with painfully full stomachs and an air of contentment around us. Until I remembered what we'd been talking about before dinner. Getting his attention, I told Sollux I'd be right back and pushed myself to my feet, walking around the massive armchair containing somebody's sleeping family member that had been pushed into the hallway.

I found my mom in the kitchen, preparing desserts as though anybody had any room left to eat them. There would be a _lot_ of leftovers to take home. She jumped as I cleared my throat. Not bothering to even attempt an apologetic smile, I tried to ignore how queasy I felt and rose my voice only enough that it could be heard over the volume of the other room as I asked, "Can I tell you something?"

She leaned in and said into my ear, resting her hand on my shoulder as she began to guide me out of the kitchen, "Of course. Let's go down the hall so we can talk." My heart began thumping in my chest, I could hear the roar of blood in my ears, in the time it took me to actually get up and talk to her, adrenaline had been pumped through my veins in the worst way and I was scared shirtless and painfully nauseous, _God, I shouldn't have eaten so much, shit, no, I can't back down now, I can't, fuck, I should have asked Sollux to come with me, I wish I had,_ no, _no, I shouldn't have, I'm glad I didn't, that would be worse, don't think about it, Karkat, you're okay, or you will be, fuck I can't do this._

Somehow, I managed to follow her down the hallway.

"What's up, honey?" she asked, her knowing smile boring into my brain, shorting it out, keeping me from making proper connections. Her smile fell when I didn't respond, but the damage was done, I couldn't form sentences, I couldn't make _words,_ I couldn't— "Karkat?"

"I'm gay." _Wow._ Wow, _fucking tactful. Fuck. Fix this._ "Er, no! Not completely. I-I'm bisexual, I like girls too! But, I. I. Uh. _Uh."_ And there went words. Anything else I might have said died in my throat, along with my dignity.

Then came the tears. I didn't wanna cry. I didn't wanna cry, in front of my mom, _because_ of what I'd just told her, I didn't want to, but there wasn't a lot I could do about it. I wondered what the scene looked like to anyone else. Somebody glancing around the corner would find a grown man in tears and a much older woman no taller than him at a loss for what to do. Or I'd thought she was, anyway, until she wrapped her arms around me and let me sob my eyes out against her. It was comforting in a really bizarre way, and yet another nostalgia trip. Her hand moved back and forth over my back, patting my shoulder every so often.

"It's okay, Karkat. Let it out."

"I'm fine," I insisted weakly, trying to push away.

She leaned back and looked me in the eye. "Really now?" I shook my head, not trusting words, and wrapped my arms more tightly around her. I proceeded to bury my face in her shoulder and cry my fucking eyes out. To her credit, she didn't stop trying to calm me down, just held me like she always did and tried to quiet my sobs. I was lucky those in the living room couldn't hear me, but I attributed it to the volume of the television. After a bit, I managed to take a deep breath and calm down.

"Do you want to sit down?" I nodded, and she guided me with a hand on my shoulder to my old room while I tried to wipe the remnants of tears off my cheeks. We both sat a while in silence, her hand running calmingly over the back of my shoulder while I tried (failed) to get a grip.

"It's okay, honey," she said finally. She wasn't laughing, which I counted as a plus. At the same time, her tone also different than before, which worried me. It was less... comforting. I hoped it was just her trying to come to terms with this information, but if I'd guessed right and she already knew, which I think she did, I couldn't imagine why she'd need to do that. I tried not to think too hard about it. "I love you no matter what, Karkat. You know that, right? You'll always be my little boy." I kinda snorted at that, part in derision and part in relief. She smiled.

"Uh." Shit. _Come on, brain, get a fucking move on._ "That's... not... all there is to it. I'm also. Uh. Sollux and I are — also. Dating. Um."

"So _that's_ what was going on in the bathroom," she teased, clearly trying to lighten the mood. I wasn't entirely convinced it worked.

I could feel my face heating up. "Mom, no, not-not that. We weren't. Doing. Stuff," I forced out, wishing my voice would stop shaking. "The stuff Dad told you about is — was — still going on. Sollux was just. Helping me. Get over it, I mean." I figured it was better she knew that I _was_ okay than _how_ I'd gotten there.

She put her arm around me. "Tell him I said thanks, will you?" I nodded.

"Alnet!" She perked up at the sound of my father's voice.

"Yes?"

"There's some timer goin' off, shut it off!"

She laughed at that, standing up as she said to me, "Stay here a moment, Karkat." Looking back towards the kitchen, she yelled even as she walked out, "Turn it off yourself, Kolby!"

"Baby, please, you're killin' me!" Her musical laughter filled the hall in her place. I took the time of her absence to really compose myself, so by the time she came back, I was ready to actually talk again.

"How're you doing, honey?" she asked from the doorway.

"I'm okay."

After letting out a little hum of satisfaction, she told me, "That's good. I'm glad to hear it." She walked in and sat next to me again, looping her arms around me and holding me tight. "Sollux was looking for you."

"I should go find him," I said, making no move to do just that. Lucky for me, he found me first. "There you are, KK," he said, relief clear in his voice. "I'm ready to go, th'o...." He let the statement hang, clearly unsure of where to go with it. I could tell he wanted to say more, but didn't want to with my mom in the room. "Come find me when you're done," he finished, tone rather uneasy as he added, "I'll be in the living room."

"What's his deal?" I wondered aloud as he left.

"Oh, I'm sure you'll see." I wasn't sure I liked the knowing tone in her voice _or_ the sparkle in her eye. Both vanished when she changed topic. "I'm so happy you're okay Karkat. I really am. I love you so much, you don't know what it means to know you can be happy again." Her eyes got glassy as she said that, in answer to which I shot her a smile. It only got wider when she smiled back. _"And,_ I'm glad you were able to come to me about this. Does anyone else know?"

"I'm glad you're okay Karkat. I really am. I love you so much, you don't know what it means to know you're okay. And I'm glad you were able to come to me about this. Does anyone else know?"

I thought a moment. "Dad does. Oh, and Robert. He's known since, like, the beginning." She raised an eyebrow with just a hint of a smirk behind it, but didn't comment. "Sollux, of course. And—" My throat caught when I realized I'd been about to say Kanaya. She didn't know. Not anymore. I pointedly ignored the crack in my voice when I continued. "And I think that's it." I sincerely doubted the rest of our friends and family didn't have their suspicions, but I didn't voice the thought.

"Well, alright then," she said with a smile. "Now that I know who _not_ to discuss this aspect of my favorite son with, I should let you get home, huh? Wouldn't want to keep Sollux waiting," she chimed, tone sing-songy as she waggled a finger playfully in my face.

 _"Mom,_ stop!" I begged, face growing steadily more red by the second.

"Alright, alright," she ceded, her smile warm as ever. We got to our feet in almost the exact same way — a mannerism I didn't know I'd picked up from her — and she hugged me tight. I just let the embrace remind me why it was worth it to stay on this Earth. Why it was worth it to live. For her, for dad, for Sollux, and Nepeta, and Robert. For Kanaya.

My mom broke contact and began talking again as she led me down the hall. "I made pumpkin pie and we have plenty of leftovers, so take your pick and I'll pack you two some to take home." I rolled my eyes, a smile rising regardless as I wondered how long we'd be eating Thanksgiving leftovers for. At least Sollux wouldn't be able to bitch about cooking for a while.

True to her word, we were sent home with more than a few plates of leftovers, probably more than our fair share if I was honest. Something told me she just didn't want to keep them around, knowing how my father ate. I witnessed a short conversation between my mom and my aunt 'Rezi before Sollux and I took our leave.

"What were you and Karkles talking about for so long?" she'd asked, her tone both casual and borderline scandalous.

"I don't see that it's any of your business, Terezi," my mom had replied, crossing her arms briefly over her chest. "If he wants to tell you, I'm sure he will."

"Come on, Nettie, I've got a five-to-one bet against Sebastian that he was coming out." She did her best to hide it, but the brief shock that showed on my mom's face was answer enough for 'Rezi. "Yes! Time to make some _cash!"_

With that, she'd turned-tail and searched the crowd in the living room with an unnerving hunger, darting toward her target once she'd caught sight of him. Alnet shook herself out of her surprise and followed meaningfully. "Now, you listen here, 'Rezi — 'Rezi! Terezi! Stop right there!"

All I could do was hope she could get her sister under control, 'cause my stomach was churning at just the thought. Aunt 'Rezi was a gossip. If she knew, _everyone_ would know, soon enough. I tried to push the thought away and distracted myself with other things.

I didn't see my mother again until Sollux was tugging on my sleeve, practically begging to go. I asked what he was so eager about and all he had to do was point at our cousins, who were heatedly making out in the corner behind yet another sleeping uncle of Sollux's. In the scant second I was watching, I saw Mituna's knee wedge itself between Latula's, and I immediately understood why my boyfriend wanted to go home so bad. "If I have to lith'ten to them make out for much longer, I'm gonna loth'e it," he growled, glaring at the carpet at their feet.

Just then, a lecherous moan rose just barely above the volume of commercials and conversations in the living room. "Jeth'uth' Chrith't," he groaned, rolling his eyes so hard his head followed. I let out a short burst of laughter, something that had Sollux grinning in an instant, annoyance forgotten. Shortly after that, she'd found us and piled plates upon plates of food into our arms.

After receiving about thirteen, maybe fourteen thousand hugs, Sollux and I were well on our way home. I glanced back as we pulled out and caught just the briefest glimpse of my parents, my dad's arm over my mom's shoulders and her arm around his waist, standing on the front step and waving at us as we drove into the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're having trouble visualizing Alnet, just imagine an anime mom, all smiles and happiness, just with short, ash brown hair, wrinkles, and none of the unrealistic attractiveness _(psst there's also the Sim I made if you're still having trouble)._ Speaking of which, the Sims _4_ is coming out late September, I'm so excited! I'm trying to download the Create-A-Sim demo but I literally cannot get to the download site at home, the internet's so bad right now, and the school has that _one_ aspect of the Origin site blocked, so that's a no-go. I'll probably get it at the office or something in a couple days. Or today. I got it today. Why does Karkat look Asian. Help.
> 
> Everyone go read my [girlfriend's fic](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2223909), she just started it and it's a bunch of OCs shoved into the Homestuck verse 'cause she doesn't like to write with canon characters but it's good gogogo
> 
> Review please I know I'm terrible but it's almost done and it'll be finished soon and then you won't have to deal with my terrible three month breaks between chapters _again i'm sorry._


	30. Merry Christmas!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two updates within a month of each other? Holy shit, it's like the good old days! You know, back when I'd update biweekly. And then summer started and I gave up.
> 
> School started again, and my schedule isn't miserable. I've been keeping up on my homework for the most part (I missed like half of an econ assignment because I didn't fucking understand, but hey, y'know), so that's good. Meanwhile, I've been able to video chat with my boyfriend a bunch lately and oh my god he's so frickin' cute I just can't handle it. Only about five hundred more dollars and I'll be able to visit him next summer~ I'm pumped as frick.
> 
> On another note (obligatory Sims paragraph), I'm figuring out The Sims 4 Create A Sim, and it's so fucking good. I finally figured out how to make guys look some ethnicity other than Asian without starting with a female and making a male twin after the face has been finished. That, of course, resulted in the idea to make genderbends of _everyone._ I've made about a billion Sims already, ranging from a shitload of Homestuck characters to my headcanon armorless manifestations of the RvB characters. Pics of Karkat and Sollux are on the same link on the [Thigns & Sutff](http://achievement-tooths.tumblr.com/thigns-and-sutff) page on [my Tumblr](http://achievement-tooths.tumblr.com/). ALSO MY GRANDMA OFFERED TO BUY ME THE SIMS 4 HOLY SHIT. I PRE-ORDERED AND GOT THREE BONUS DLC PACKS AND ALSO THE SOUNDTRACK AND HOLY DANG I CAN'T WAIT OH MAN.
> 
> IT'S GREAT, BY THE WAY. I'M PLAYING AS GRIF AND SISTER AND IT'S WONDERFUL I LOVE IT.
> 
> _EDIT:_ Jesus Christ it's like I didn't fucking edit this thing at all I'm so sorry for anyone who read it before I fixed the fifteen thousand spelling mistakes and other grammatical errors.
> 
> CHAPTER THIRTY HYPE! Short chapter, terribly sorry, but if it's any consolation, the next chapter should be the last, and bonus, you all get an epilogue as well! Excite?

The aftermath of Thanksgiving proved to be nothing to worry about, aside from the occasional call from a family member to congratulate us on getting together, thanks to Terezi's gossip. It was hardly a new development, but that certainly didn't stop them. The only person who had a problem with it was Latula, and it wasn't so much a problem with us as it was she was having a difficult time getting used to the idea. She was getting there, though apparently, she'd been the only one who hadn't harbored suspicions, which I wouldn't have guessed initially, though it made more sense the more I thought on it.

Meanwhile, finally broken out of my bullshit depression, I started putting more effort into my job. I thought I was doing good, making a comeback of some kind — though that generally implies I was doing well before, which I certainly wasn't. Just when I thought my pathetic lack of work ethic from before would be overlooked in light of my new outlook, I found myself called into the manager's office when my shift ended one afternoon, shaking hands and all.

"Hello Karkat," she said as I walked in, offering a brief wave. While everyone else wore burgundy polos under the brown Beverly's apron in the color scheme of the restaurant, she wore one in cyan, both to distinguish her as manager and as a personal preference.

"Uh. Hey."

"Take a seat, won't you?"

"Oh, yeah. Okay," I mumbled, taking a seat.

"Don't worry, you're not in trouble." Her tone made me feel like I was back in school, getting sent to the principal's office. "I actually wanted to commend you. When I first hired you here, I had my doubts, naturally, as any employer would of a new hire. I'm sorry to say that I was sorely disappointed by your performance." I tried not to let my annoyance show in the twitch of my eye, but there wasn't much I could do about it. She pretended not to notice and carried on. "However, lately, I've noticed an increase in effort on your part, and that gets me the results I want to see." She flashed me a small smile before adding, "Don't expect a promotion. I won't reward a recovery from mediocrity. Rather, I want to thank you for stepping up and doing what was needed of you. Keep up the good work, Vantas."

I nodded in as polite a manner I could, standing up as she did. I shook her hand and said, "Thank you, Ms. Crocker."

"Oh, please, I'm just Jane. Plain Jane," she told me, grinning and tottering on her feet.

"Jane," I corrected myself, returning the smile.

Things were better at work from then on.

Things were better at home, too. Sollux and I were back to the passive-aggressive romantic crap we were doing before, rude jokes over breakfast, video game cuddles, and rough, hot sex every few nights. It was a good system we had going. Before I knew it, December was upon us and more than halfway through and I found myself wondering what to get Sollux for Christmas. In the past, I'd always get him a game he wanted, or a gift card to Best Buy which I'd then insist on going with him to spend so I could marvel at how cute he was when he got excited over something — wait, cute, what, I didn't say that. Regardless, I felt something more needed to be done this year, considering we were dating and all. Of course, I was at a loss, so I figured catering to his every whim the whole day as well as a new game would have to do.

Christmas was a quiet affair between the two of us. We didn't decorate much. In fact, I think we only had _maybe_ one string of lights buried somewhere in the garage. If we felt up for it, we'd hang them over the front porch, but most years, it was an eccentricity we just didn't care enough about to deal with. The closest we got to a Christmas tree was a chincy little plastic thing, no more than three feet tall, set up on the counter. We'd hang one ornament each, one red, one gold, and call it a day. No pine garlands hung over the doorways, or above the cabinets, there weren't any cheesy Santa posters taped to the wall, nothing my mom would have done. Way we saw it was, it's Christmas, whoopdee-fucking-doo, just do something nice for each other and be done with it.

That being said, I found some time after work to swing by Best Buy to pick up a copy of Assassins Creed IV. I took a trip to my parents while Sollux was at school the next day to wrap it and hung out with them a bit while also helping to wrap some of Nepeta's presents, as well as, to my surprise, receive some of my own. I was given explicit instructions not to open them until Christmas. I also was sent next door to pick some up for Sollux. As for where the fuck I was gonna hide them, well that was another story entirely. I eventually decided that my best bet was to bury them somewhere in the garage and hope no spiders burrowed inside. I had a particular dislike of spiders after a certain bitch dropped a massive one down the back of my shirt in high school. Not fucking okay.

Before I could blink, the day was upon us and I was woken up to a giant breakfast, courtesy of my wonderful boyfriend. He snuggled against my back and kissed my neck and whispered, "You hungry, KK?"

"Yeah, I'm hungry," I muttered, bleary eyed as I squinted at the window.

"I made breakfath't. Come get it."

I mumbled something along the lines of "love you" and rolled off the bed, landing on my hands and knees and immediately searching for pants among the mess of clothes on the ground because it was _fucking freezing._ I could hear Sollux laughing and shot him my middle finger once I finally put on my cozy plaid pajama pants. He laughed again and pulled me close for a kiss before I even got out the door. I let myself sink into it as though I'd never kissed him before.

"Your breakfath't'th' getting cold," he told me quietly.

"Fuck breakfast."

At least the blanket was warm.

* * *

Breakfast was indeed cold by the time we finally left the bedroom. Sollux was still red at that point, and I guess I probably was too, both of us florid with exertion and the aftermath of a good fuck. As it was, Sollux busied himself with reheating our meals while I went back and forth between the garage and the laundry room, moving presents from one place to the other under the guise of doing laundry. Then he was calling me out and I got to actually eat the breakfast. Not that anything Sollux cooked was ever actually bad, but it probably would have been better had I eaten it fresh. Of course, I'd take Sollux over food any day, so it wasn't a bad trade off in my book.

After breakfast, I gathered all the dishes into the sink and offered to wash them. Sollux planted a kiss on the top of my head and excused himself to the bathroom, and as soon as he'd left the room, I darted into the laundry room and began piling presents onto the island counter next to the tree. Before he returned, I moved back in front of the sink and acted like I was still washing dishes. I heard the bathroom door open over the sink and tried to look as innocent as possible.

"Wow. I can't imagine you got me all of theth'e."

"All of what?" I asked turning around. "Holy shit, when'd all these presents get here?! Must've been Santa, huh?" I tried (failed) to hide the smirk on my face.

"Shut the fuck up, KK," he told me, grinning. I couldn't help but smile back. I saw him reach into the pile but I missed whatever he'd set down. Seemed fitting, considering he had no idea which one of these were from me. He crossed the room to me in three strides, myself stepping out to meet him. He laced his fingers in my hair and kissed me hard. "I love you," he murmured, lips hovering above mine and our eyes locked.

I pressed up into his lips before saying, "I love you, too. Now, pick a present, asswipe. Let's not make this an all day production."

He laughed at that and turned towards the pile of gifts, picking up the first one he saw with his name on it and sitting at the barstool to open it. Wasn't from me. He lifted the tissue paper out of the gift bag to uncover a truly hideous scarf from one of his uncles. He held it up pinched between two fingers with a sneer of disgust on his face as he inspected it, which I couldn't help but find fucking hilarious. He smiled at my laughter and dug around for another, handing a different bag to me.

We continued on like this for a half hour or so, each unwrapping our own gifts and marveling at the things our family actually thought we'd wear. At some point, I actually yanked my present to Sollux out of his hands and set it on the counter.

"KK," he whined.

"No, fuck off, open that one last."

I guess I shouldn't have been surprised when he pulled his card out of my hand. "Open thith' one lath't," he sneered, trying not to smile. I punched him in the arm and continued unwrapping presents. We both received about $400 in checks from older family members, and in total we had about a hamper's worth of give away clothes. Sure, the sentiment was appreciated, but who in their right fucking mind would wear a gaudy green and red knit sweater with a pine tree pattern set behind a reindeer made of sown sequins anywhere?

At last, all that remained was our presents for each other. I watched as Sollux opened his and got that childish grin on his face I'm sure he didn't know he made whenever he got a new game. He leaned over and pressed a kiss to my cheek, which I accepted with a grin. "Gimme yours, shithead," I demanded as he pulled away. He stuck out his tongue at me while he reached over all the garbage wrapping paper and boxes and plucked his card from the pile, handing it to me. I was expecting a gift card of some sort, but what I found was so much better. I opened the card and found written in side, "This card is good for three 'romcoms' on movie night." There were three empty squares drawn in below that, and a note: "If they're all Titanic, I will personally beat the shit out of you. Merry Christmas, KK <3"

"You're a fucking nerd, you know that?"

"It's a poth'ibility," he stated smugly. I slapped his arm lightly as I pushed forward to kiss him.

"I love you, asshole."

"Love you too, cockth'ucker."

"I'm a cocksucker, am I?" I grinned, hopping off the barstool and walking slowly toward the couch. "Why don't we test that?"

He looked at me like I'd never suggested sucking him off before, wanting and needy and desperate. He suddenly realized he was going to have to come to me and stood, staggering, off the barstool. "Fuck, yeth'."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brief little cameo by the ever lovely Jane Crocker. Kind of filler, but hey, I needed _something._ If this chapter seems censored at all, it's likely due to the fact that I typed the entire thing at school with my computer facing the teacher. That's not scary or anything. I certainly didn't have the brightness down so I could focus on the reflections ever now and then to keep an eye on him. Don't know _what_ you're talking about.
> 
> The class itself is cool though. Like, think of the worst looking detention you've ever seen in a movie or show, with like, "delinquents" that can get away with pretty much anything, even in class. 'Cause that's the class. Except not detention. I'm the only girl in there. The teacher calls me pumpkin. It makes me happy. ^-^
> 
> Review, lovelies~


	31. I Do? Fuck Yeah, I Do!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Hooooly _shit._ Right, so. I actually have a legitimate excuse this time. It took me too fucking long, but I _finally_ moved out of my parents house and I'm now living with my friend and her parents. I have to work on getting a job soon, 'cause I feel like a lazy freeloader as is. Other things are good. School's getting better. Life's getting better. Boyfriend and me hit six months. I reconciled with an enemy and made a couple new ones. Life moves on, y'know?
> 
> So, that's it. This is the end. The story's over. This long-ass fiction has come to a close (I would also like to say that I've had most of this written for about six months and no way of working on it). There's still the epilogue, of course, but as for actual story, this is it. I hope you all enjoyed reading it, if you've gotten this far, and if not, then what are you still doing here? Either way, as much as this fic gave me, I'm glad it's over. I haven't finished anything I've written before, so this is kind of monumental for me. I learned a lot, met some really interesting, great people, and it's all thanks to Hussie, really. Although, if you really wanna trace it back to the guy who invented the internet, or farther back than that even. Either way, here's the last chapter. Thirty-one, friends. Read on c:

Life was better for me and Sollux since we'd gotten together. Aside from the flares of depression that overwhelmed me for a few months, I was all around happier. No more cutting, no more scars, no more abuse. Well, no new scars, anyway. None since Thanksgiving. No more Trevor to make me want them. Everything was better. Not to mention, we were fucking at least once a week, and I could almost swear that each time was better than the last.

Now was no exception, him on his hands and knees and me kneeling behind him my fingers tangled in his hair and dug into his hips and the obscene, disgusting, _incredible_ sound of his ass slapping against my hips as I thrust into him paired with his whimpers and begs. After a lay like that, it shouldn't be hard to see how I was under the impression, upon exiting our room the following early-February morning, that, at least as far as sex went, Sollux and I had done everything under the sun — everything we wanted to, anyway. Apparently, however, that was not the case, judging by the oddly high-pitched call of "KK" from the couch. "Can you cometh' hera—" He tripped over his words and swore under his breath before correcting himself. "—c-come here a th'ec?" I quickly wiped the smirk off my face and walked around the sofa, plopping myself in my boyfriend's lap. "Oof!"

"What's up?"

"Pleath'e don't do that," he muttered, looking like he was gonna be sick.

"Whoa, hey, you okay?" I asked, a sudden concern in my tone as I prepared myself to stand up. "You're not gonna puke on me, are you?"

He grimaced. "No, I'll be fine."

I shrugged and leaned back into him. "Alright. Did you want something, then?"

"I juth't...." He looked straight forward. "I juth't wanted to hang out with you ith' all."

I rolled my eyes. "Could have just said so, asshole." I reached back and grabbed the TV controller. "Let's play a game."

"Okay," he replied flatly.

I couldn't help but give him a funny look. "Did you wanna do something else?" I asked slowly.

"N-No, this is. Good."

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm— y-yeah, yeah."

I glanced at him. He looked pale and kind of panicked. I couldn't figure out a good reason why though, except that he probably wanted to ask me some embarrassing question and couldn't work up the nerve. Even that didn't make much sense, 'cause he'd never done that in the past. He'd always just come right out and said it.

I tried to shrug it off and stood up, setting up the PS2 and digging around for Baulder's Gate. "One or two?"

He mumbled something that sounded like, "I don't care." I put Dark Alliance II in and returned to his lap with a controller in either hand. He didn't complain that I was in his way, and that was definitely out of character for him, but about half an hour into the game, I managed to push the thought out of my head. That is, until he paused the game and threw his controller down in frustration.

"Alright," I snapped finally, "what the fuck's up with you?"

"I juth't — don't wanna play thith', that'th' all," he grumbled.

"Did you take your m—"

"Yeth'."

"So then why're you being all pissy?"

"I—" He cut himself off.

"Do you think you need a different prescription?" I asked, my tone more sympathetic.

"No!" he answered quickly. He stiffened, his words coming out forced and quick — nervous; "No, i-it'th' not that. It'th'. I juth't. I wanted to, u-uh...." He swallowed hard. "Fuck," he sighed, relaxing his body. "Promith'e me th'omething, okay?" he asked quietly, eyes closed.

I raised an eyebrow at him. He continued without an answer.

"Promith'e me you won't — won't... laugh, at me."

"...What?"

He lifted me off his lap and stood me on the carpet between the coffee table and the couch. One thing I noticed immediately upon his knee hitting the carpet was how well-dressed he was — button down, nice, not-ripped jeans, sleek black converse — while I was wearing nothing but plaid pajama pants and white socks. He let out a sharp breath and and looked up at me. "Alright, look; I'm no good at thith' romanth'e crap, but you really like it, and I really like you, and — no, that'th'—!" He growled to himself and looked away, acting as though he wanted nothing more than to hit himself.

He sighed and collected himself once again before looking back at me. "KK — Karkat — I care about you. Like, a lot. I love you, th'o much, a-and you're the moth't important thing in the world to me, more than anything elth'e, and I wanna be able to make sure you're happy and th'afe all the time, no matter what, and I know I'm not the... _eath'ieth't_ perth'on to get along with, but, hey, you've th'tuck with me thith' long, what'th' — the reth't of your life? I'm willing to put up with whatever sh— wh-whatever you can throw at me, so I hope you can be willing to do the same." His voice faltered and stopped and took a deep breath. "I love you, KK," he whispered in what was clearly not meant to be a whisper. "F—" Clearing his throat softly, he said again, "I love you. I really, really, do. And I know I'm a prick, and a handful, and an asshole, and selfish and rude and more fu— more th'crewed up than a box of th'crewth'. And I-I'm an _idiot,_ in the worth't kind of way, but... you'd make me the happieth't idiot in the world if you would... a-agree to marry me."

I stared stupidly at him, mouth open and body frozen in awe and disbelief. He blinked at me a couple times before his eyes suddenly widened. He frantically patted his pockets, blurting, "Wait, I have a — here!" as he pulled out a dark red, velvet covered box, which he proceeded to attempt to pull open from the hinges. "Dammit, no, it'th'—" When he finally _did_ get it open, the thick gold band it encased was sticking out from the top half. Sollux's face was bright red.

"Oh my God," he muttered, hanging his head in shame and holding it with his right palm, elbow resting on his knee. The silence seemed to radiate throughout the room. "Th'orry. Fuck, I'm th'orry. I shouldn't have ath'ked, I should have known th'omething like thith' would happen."

_Marry_ him. Would I _marry_ Sollux. Would I want to resign myself to another sixty or so years of his stupid bullshit, start some kind of family with this asshole like I'd daydreamed about in high school? Would I wanna put up with his mental disorder and unwitting penchant for the dramatic? Would I wanna deal with all the stupid baggage and shit that came with this fuck for the rest of my life?

"I'm really th'orry, KK, I didn't realize I'd fuck thith' up th'o bad, I don't know _why_ I didn't realize, I alwayth' fuck it up—"

Yeah. Yeah, I fucking would. Because this was what I'd been dreaming of since I met him. I'd just thought always thought I'd be the one to ask before he did. Of course, I'd never thought the situation would have arisen in the first place, but I digress. Either way, the question was on the table, and all that remained was my answer. So before he could feel any worse about his "botched" proposal, I gave it: "Yes."

"I should have known I'd—" All at once, he stilled and stared up at me, dumbfounded. "Wait. What?"

My shaking knees finally gave out and I fell onto them in front of him, taking the opportunity to lock my arms around his neck and hug him close. His arms locked tentatively around my torso, and my voice broke, _shattered,_ as I repeated "yes," over and over again into his ear. "Fuck yes, yes, Sollux, yes, I'll fucking marry you, holy shit."

"You... I. Uh. What? You will?"

"Of course, dumbass."

"Oh."

"Fuck, I think I'm gonna cry. Shit. This is your fault," I choked.

Sollux, who appeared to fighting tears of his own, replied with a breathless laugh. "Me too, KK." Pausing, he added, "God, I can't believe that worked. I can't believe you th'aid _yeth'._ I'm—"

I crushed our lips together just to shut him up. "Well, I did, so believe it, asshole," I said, my lips still touching his. "Fuck, I love you."

He smiled tentatively, as though he still wasn't sure if I was playing him or not. "I love you, too, Karkat." I tightened my arms around him. We knelt on the ground together until our knees started to hurt, and then I held onto him some more. At some point, he pulled away and sat back on the couch before pulling me back onto his lap. My _fiancé's_ lap. _Fiancé,_ I repeated in my head. _Holy shit, that's more surreal than boyfriend was. And fiancé leads to_ husband, _Jesus. Talk about a mindfuck._ My thoughts were broken by Sollux giggling. I cocked my head at him, and he looked at me and laughed harder.

"What's, uh... what's funny there, Sollux?"

"It'th' th'o _you_ to th'wear more while being propoth'ed to. Like, you probably wouldn't have curth'ed onth'e if you were propoth'ing to me, but the other way around and every other word ith' dirty."

I blinked a few times, realizing he was right. Elbowing him in the gut, soliciting a noise similar to the one he made when I fell on him earlier, I growled for him to shut up and wrapped my arms around him. He laughed and turned on the TV and held me just as tight as ever.

Not that we paid any attention whatsoever to the TV.

* * *

Later that day, not a lot had changed. We weren't acting much different around each other, except that I'd called him babe at one point, which irritated him to no end and gave me excellent leverage to piss him off. My stomach rumbled around noon and I spent the five minutes after just trying to convince Sollux to make me something. Finally he agreed, only just so he could get me to quit bugging him. Two grilled cheese sandwiches each and a full stomach later, we were back to cuddling on the couch.

"You know what I don't get?" I asked, nuzzling my face against my _fiancé's_ chest.

"What, KK?"

"Why it's so motherfucking cold in February."

He snorted. "Go put a shirt on, or th'tay here and let me warm you up."

I pressed a kiss to the light stubble on his jaw. "And how do you plan to do that?"

"Oh, I have my wayth'."

I laughed. "No, you don't. I'd be the one doing all the heavy lifting."

"I'll show you th'ome heavy lifting." I laughed again, groaning as I pushed myself off the couch.

"Yeah, fuck this. I'm putting on a shirt." Sollux reached forward to slap my ass as I walked away, smirking to himself as he settled back into the couch and turned his attention to the TV. I stepped around the couch and knocked him lightly on the side of the head, smirking to _my_ self and walking into the bedroom, pointedly ignoring his joking scowl.

The first thing I noticed was how dim it was in our room. The curtain was closed, but usually you could see light flooding in around the edges. I found a shirt that smelled clean on the floor and threw it on before peeking out the window to see why it was so dark. I would have assumed rain, except that I couldn't hear any. "Holy shit," I muttered to myself. "No. Fucking. Way." I grabbed my hoodie from the foot of the bed and zipped it up as I shoved my feet into Sollux's dumb bunny slippers. I went immediately from the bedroom to the front door, ignoring the concerned call of, "KK?" from behind me.

"Holy shit," I said, astonishment plain in my voice.

"KK, what'th' wrong?" He sounded panicked as he half-jogged up behind me. "What'th' going— whoa." The front lawn was covered in at _least_ two inches of snow, and fat flakes were pelting the Earth fast, adding more with every passing second.

"Either we're fucking oblivious, or that happened really fast."

Sollux just blinked. "It'th'... th'nowing. In _Oklahoma._ I don't. I don't. What."

"We're probably fucking oblivious." I turned around and shoved him inside.

"Hey, what—"

"Snow clothes. Go, tschh, move." He snorted and grabbed my wrists, now leading me into our bedroom. We dug around for proper snow clothes for about ten minutes before realizing we probably didn't have any, on account of how (in)frequently it snowed here, so we settled instead for about thirteen layers of anything potentially water resistant and ran outside wearing that. We dicked around together for about half an hour, looking like kids at an amusement park. It wasn't long before a snowball war was initiated via a snowball to the face, courtesy of Sollux. He quickly ended up with a couple of haggard snowballs stuck to his shirt as well as a handful of snow down his back, and before I knew what was happening, I was being shoved to the ground, tufts of fresh powder flying up in windless flurries around me.

My fiancé ended up on all fours, kneeling over me. He had a grin on his face like he'd never been so happy in his life, and it was all I wanted to do to share that happiness with him. Not that I was aware, but a beaming smile had spread over my face as well, and it took less than a second to decide to kiss him outside and damn the consequences. He was my fiancé, for fuck's sake, if I wanted to kiss the fucker, you can be damn sure I was gonna kiss him. So I did. It wasn't even a particularly long kiss — it wasn't sexual in any way, and not passionate like you would expect a "passionate kiss" to be — it was the most brief touch of our lips we could get away with that somehow managed to convey all the love we had for each other. It was our smiles connecting and our silent "I love you"s and the fact that we were still grinning afterward, because there was no where either of us would rather be than right next to each other.

No matter what bullshit life sent our way, I knew we'd come out of it stronger; my abuse, Kanaya's death, even the knowledge that I'd once thought my life miserable enough to end it — it was all I could say now was that I was so glad I didn't. If I had, I would have missed this. I would have missed my boyfriend proposing to me. I would have missed playing in the snow like a child with my fiancé. I would have missed the rest of my life, with nothing to show for it. Instead, I made the best decision of my life — I kept fighting. Because I'll tell you what: Karkat Vantas does _not_ go down without a fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something I forgot to say ever ago that I want to say now, I'm not going to continue that other HS fic I uploaded here. I might remove it, might not. Let me know what you think, if anything. I'm not going to write it because I started it so long ago that I'm not _really_ sure where I was going with it, even though I kind of do. I don't have an ending and the whole story is ridiculously clichéd and my character was the _worst_ kind of Mary Sue. It's just not worth writing.
> 
> Oh man. I know I said I was glad this is over but I don't wanna let it go. I just. Don't. Review, lovelies.


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